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#Post#: 156--------------------------------------------------
I need some advices about her.
DIR By: Admin
Date: June 13, 2013, 6:24 am
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This might get long...
I'm bisexual, and a closeted one. When I was young, I thought I
was gay. I was attracted to men physically. But I never really
liked the fact that I was gay. I found it hard to socialize with
guys when I came to high school (about 13 in my country). The
closest guys I ever had have always been my seatmates. However,
when I came to high school, I slowly started to fall in love
with girls mentally.
I met her (let's call her Anna) when I was at first year. Her
friend told me that she had a crush on me at like the second
week. It was... very awkward. Nevertheless, before the end of
the schoolyear, we became friends. I never really thought that
she might still like me however.
Now here's the other things that happened in the first years
that still bugs me. There's this another girl (let's call her
Mary) which I assumed has a crush on me... until she came to
realize that Im a closeted gay... And Mary's that girl that has
the more friends, so guess what? She could have talked about me
to her friends. (I know this might have happened because when I
was in second year, I found my classmates talking about another
handsome gay guy). Because of that, I assume that I may have a
gay reputation in my school.
Another reason why I assume this is we had a beauty pageant in
our classroom at a christmas party. Both Anna and Mary were on
it. So in the question and answer round, the contestants were
able to make their own questions, and the other contestants
would answer it through the fish-bowl method. The question that
the Anna had picked was: "What would you pick, a handsome gay or
an ugly straight guy?" She said she would pick the handsome gay
because she might be able to change him. Guess what to who made
that question? Mary did, I know this because I saw her smiling
and talking with her friend when she picked the question.
At second year, when me and my clique were talking about past
events, we came to talk about that Anna had a crush on me. Anna
denied it saying that I was only actually her dream guy, being
smart and all. She said that in spite of the crystal memory that
her friend told me that I was her crush. Nevertheless, that sort
of cleared me of any thoughts that she might still like me.
Then came the third year. She and her friend straightforwardly
said that I was handsome o.O And that they would like for me to
dance them at prom. Now this was not done in any seducing sort
of way. Well... I really forgot how they did it. It was like how
an aunt greets her nephews and nieces when they havent meet for
a long time and that the aunt would say you've grown more
handsome. That sort of way I think. Then Anna started going with
me to the canteen. Well that was in the first weeks of third
year. She later gone with her friend and sometimes took me when
her friend was unavailable... We've also grown somewhat
"professionally" closer since we had many projects together at
the end of the schoolyear.
Also, in that year. She and another of our friend came to my
house and discovered that I had two gay fathers. My fathers
arent in any way a couple, just friends. It was totally okay for
her and our friend. Anna said that I didnt know how much she was
wanting to discover a family like mine. Anna's a KPOP fan who
reads KPOP fanfics. If you've been reading fan fictions, you may
or may have not been introduced to the weird concept of having
characters having sex... It's weird. And the weirder thing is
that Anna is fascinated on gay KPOP fan fics... o.o
I started liking her when one day we came to her house for a
project. We had a project and when it was over, my group members
and I started leaving. I was the last one left to leave. She
didnt decide to just leave me and wait for the bus alone even
though I told her to and even though it was raining and even
though she just gone through some cold. She even told me that it
was the way someone should treat a visitor and not like the way
I did to her she she visited me. It was in a funny sort of way,
which doesnt make it offensive. We like... waited for fifteen
mintues for the bus. It was fun talking to her. I will never
forget that day. Right now, I would die just for that to happen
again.
This is getting too long...
So let me get to my point.
1.) She might like me. I dont know why. Once, me and my female
friend were talking, then she came in to say that she dreamed
that I was her boyfriend. She laughed, I didnt... My friend was
leaving so she leaved, then the two of us just followed her. It
was as if no one responded to her.
2.) I like her. I often think about her. Once, I found myself
crying in public thinking about her when the time comes that I
have to leave her and she becomes just another memory. I feel
sad when she's with another guy, and this another guy is my
friend. I feel mad at me when I make her angry. Those stuff...
And the fact that I can talk to her about my parents is just...
it's as if she's perfect.
3.) Here's my main point her... Im afraid to make a move.
Because...
a.) My assumed gay reputation.
b.) Im afraid to be committed. We became together... then what?
I have to be there for her. And i find this awkward for me, I
dont know why.
c.) I love her but I dont know how I will show it. It's all
mental. That's what have happened to everyone I've loved. I love
my parents but that is because I have to as a son, nothing more.
I just love them, but I really cant show it. I dont really know
why I cant show that i love someone.
d.) Im not brave enough to ask her.
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