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#Post#: 130--------------------------------------------------
The Mayonnaise
By: Sila Date: March 10, 2015, 12:21 pm
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It was a day like any other, that March 8th of 2015. The sun
shone too brightly for my weak little eyes and so I, as usual,
was spending the day inside eating muffins and drinking
Poweradeİ. The zero calorie variety, as it were; I had little
tolerance for the thick starchy texture of the regular drink. I
had just finished a small stakes poker tourney, being eliminated
just outside of the bubble for a loss of $2.20 and pride.
Mom enters the house begins to request that I do things that
require me to leave the computer, and a small fire rolls of my
shoulders in my rage. She knows that I don't do things on
Sundays... or the other days. I calm my nerves with a bite of
muffin -one of those bites where the muffin is too thick and too
plentiful, and it coats the whole inside of your mouth with
muffin- and get up and grab my keys.
Looking back, I could not say if IT had been there. The sun
was bright, and I had stumbled blindly from my porch to my car,
weary that my purple and red pajamas may be seen by our
neighbors. I get in my beloved black Prius, that had been
resting in the sun, and flop my arms backwards and bask in the
overheated car for a few minutes. Only when I came to the
realization that every moment I wasted relaxing in my vehicle
could be spent on the computer watching Netflix did I place the
key in the ignition and quickly speed to my destination.
Mom needed groceries. Milk, eggs, frozen broccoli, baking
yeast, a pineapple, and few other things to be sure. Of course,
none of these objects were Mayonnaise. We rarely ate Mayonnaise,
as I was a vegetarian, and what do you put Mayonnaise on that
isn't meat? I MEAN, COME ON?!
I return home with the objects and freeze in place. I nearly
drop the two bags of groceries right then, because before me -at
a distance of perhaps 11 feet- is a small jar of Mayonnaise on
the rail guard of my porch. I look around frantically for the
perpetrator of this mayostrosity, but there is no one to be
seen. The neighbor's houses appear vacant, and the distant sound
of a dog barking matches the beat of my frantic heart.
I run around the house to the back door, hoping the
Mayonnaise had not seen me. I throw it open, tossing the
groceries upon the counter and frantically sprint past my mom to
my room. I could not tell her what I had seen, it would only
make her afraid.
I gasp in relief that Mouse has yet to be disconnected for
being afk, and sit down to quickly warn the others.
"OMG" I announce, gathering their attention. Whatever
pedantic things obsessed them at the moment would have to wait.
"THERE IS A JAR OF MAYONNAISE ON MY PORCH AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW
IT GOT THERE." I can almost feel their panic, their pity. They
know I am doomed. "NO ONE EATS MAYONNAISE IN MY HOUSE."
They frantically talk among themselves, but offer no wisdom.
I am forced to conclude that there is only one thing I can do,
and that is to wait. I dreadfully fear that my mom may discover
the Mayonnaise and bring it inside, but there is nothing I can
do to prevent it. Alerting her to the Mayonnaise would only
tempt her. A full day passes like this, until my mom does the
inevitable and takes IT inside. Fearing it's odd nature, we
place in among our food bank donation and try to forget about
IT.
But some part of me knows... that the Mayonnaise will strike
again. It is free now to prey on another family, taking victim
after victim until it finds its way back to me. I must be
prepared.
[size=14pt]Without the Mayonnaise's command, the restless
condiments will become an even greater threat to humanity. Taste
must be maintained. There must always be... a Mayo King.
The Food Bank was merely a setback!" -The Mayonnaise
Associates of the Silent, turn your eyes to your refrigerators
and observe!
Today our world's destruction has been averted in defiance of
Mayo itself.
Mayonnaise has been defeated by our brave comrades on the porch
of Mouse's house.
Mayo was sent here to judge the fate of our world.
It found a planet whose races had deviated from the titan's
condiments. A planet where not everything has gone according to
plan.
Cold Mayonnaise deemed our world not worth saving. Cold Mayo,
however, does not account for the power of free will!
It's up to each of us to prove this is a world worth saving!
That our foods...our foods are worth eating!"[/size]
#Post#: 131--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Mayonnaise
By: Alvarik Date: March 10, 2015, 1:34 pm
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But mouse....mayo is actaully really good. The real enemy is
horse radish.
MY NAME IS ALVARIK AND I AM A WRONG
#Post#: 133--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Mayonnaise
By: Yumna Date: March 10, 2015, 5:44 pm
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I'm crying so hard from this. :'( 10/10 definitely should be on
the New York Time's Best Sellers List.
#Post#: 134--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Mayonnaise
By: Sila Date: March 10, 2015, 10:26 pm
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The Mayo is gone, but it remains in my thoughts. A thick, white
substance covering my mind, shielding it from the peace I used
to know. It suffocates me.
The sun rises on the second day since The Appearance. I jolt
awake, hands rushes to my face to ensure that am not, in fact,
Mayonnaise. With a sigh of relief, I rolls out of bed and get on
my computer. I follow my routine: Check Facebook, start up Wow,
open Pandora, Check The Silent foru- I stop in my tracks, mouse
frozen on my screen in fear.
Before me is a banner add, and what it contains I almost can't
comprehend.
[right]
HTML http://www.fromvalskitchen.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/MiracleWhipContestCouponBanner.jpg[/right]
[size=18pt]NO! NO NOT HERE, NO PLEASE!
I close the browser as fast as I can. The music from Pandora
continues to play after the last window has closed, and a bead
of cold sweat rolls down my face as I listen to the Lyrics. "I
always feel like... somebodies watching me." And then silence. I
dare not move, dare not make a sound. I do indeed feel a great
and evil presence watching me.
I do not know how long I stayed there and dare not make a sound,
but the stars came out and danced about before I turned around.
My screen went dark, my laptop entering sleep mode and I began
to weep. For there, on the mirror that was now my screen, was a
jar of Mayonnaise on the shelf behind me.
I stand from my chair, knocking it to the floor in my haste, and
whip around. Nothing, the Mayo is gone.
Exhaustion and fear over take me, and I rush to my bed and pull
the covers over my head. I dare not even leave a foot exposed,
as everyone knows Monsters are able to get you if you are not
entirely under the blankets. Luckily, I was still in my pajamas,
as I had not left the room the entire day.
It takes a while, but the soft sound of the wind and rain and
happy people who certainly have nothing to do with Mayo
edventually lulls me to sleep.
I am surrounded by white walls, a white floor, and a white
ceiling. There is no sound, no sign of an escape, just endless,
twisting walls. I take a step, my foot sinking into the white
substance with a squishy sound. My breaths come sharp and
frantic as I realize where I am. The Mayomaze.
Indeed this labyrinth had haunted me since I was young, but now
it was different. Now the danger felt real. The presence of
Mayo's cold gaze was vivid and painful. I try to run, but each
step takes me deeper into the Mayo. I grab the walls for
support, but Mayonnaise hands grap back, drawing me into the
gooey texture of the room. I open my mouth to scream, and
Mayonnaise rushes in.
I wake up with a jolt, my pillow in my mouth. I nearly giggle
with relief. It had only been a dream, Mayonnaise was not real.
I spit out the pillow and get up, get dressed, and exit my room.
And there it is. There it is on the counter. Its true form
revealed.
HTML http://oi60.tinypic.com/2ytyceo.jpg
Mayonnaise.
Real Mayonnaise.
Hell Man's Real Mayonnaise.
MAYONNAISE OF THE DEVIL HIMSELF.
WE ARE ALL DOOMED
#Post#: 135--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Mayonnaise
By: Helmmholtz Date: March 10, 2015, 10:29 pm
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I'm only slightly turned on reading all this Mayo fanfic
#Post#: 136--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Mayonnaise
By: Aleifr Date: March 10, 2015, 10:46 pm
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I've always eaten the tips of artichoke leaves with mayo. So
there are non meaty things you can eat it with.
And the story has me cracking up. I hope this isn't the end of
the mayo chronicles.
#Post#: 169--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Mayonnaise
By: Helmmholtz Date: March 15, 2015, 1:36 pm
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Was just at a Mexican supermarket an found these
HTML https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CAKKIfHU8AALud5.jpg
#Post#: 170--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Mayonnaise
By: Aleifr Date: March 15, 2015, 3:28 pm
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Man we could have used that at the party last night. I heard
Mayo is an aphrodisiac for Blood Elves.
#Post#: 190--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Mayonnaise
By: NelWhiz1 Date: March 20, 2015, 10:48 am
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Dost Thou need thy mayo? :o
#Post#: 239--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Mayonnaise
By: Mayonnaise Date: April 9, 2015, 3:19 pm
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[shadow=red,left]I am patient. I bide my time.[/shadow]
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