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#Post#: 7781--------------------------------------------------
Grammar Corrections
By: Jynnx Date: March 18, 2012, 10:07 am
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BIG NOTE ON SUGGESTIONS
You may note how much I say 'suggestion' because I know they are
suggestions. If you don't take the suggestion and correct the
error another way, thats fine with me. As long as it gets
corrected =D Any non-error fixing suggestions are also JUST
suggestions. If you consider it, thats more than good enough
for me.
BIG NOTE ON COMMAS: I highlight the word before a new comma
green so that it is more easily noticed. The green word itself
is not changed, just a new comma is after it.
MISC CORRECTIONS/SUGGESTIONS
New game - when the yellow text about selecting abilities comes
up, you have (down-right) to describe where to mouse over the
abilities - we typically use (bottom-right) instead. But people
will get it either way!
#Post#: 7783--------------------------------------------------
SUGGESTED FIX #1 - PHODOM SKILLS
By: Jynnx Date: March 18, 2012, 11:07 am
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AVATAR -
[current] Phodom strenghtens his body and increases his blood
flow giving him extra strength attributes for 10 seconds.
[suggested correction] Phodom strengthens his blood flow giving
him extra strength for 10 seconds.
[?????] is strength supposed to be Strength?
OFFENSIVE ROAR -
[current] A powerful roar that increases Phodom and his allies'
morale and attack damages by 33% for 10 seconds.
[suggested correction] A powerful roar that increases Phodom's
and his allies' morale and attack damage by 33% for 10 seconds.
SOUL BURN - not a big one, so you can get away without fixing
it, but the sentence that starts with Fire Demon should start
with The Fire Demon instead.
IMPACT FLARE -
[current] Phodom charges his weapon with the element of fire an
opponent damaging and stunning for 3 seconds and giving it
Stagger for 6 seconds.
[suggested correction] Phodom charges his weapon with the
element of fire, damaging and stunning an enemy for 3 seconds
and giving it Stagger for 6 seconds.
AURA OF FIRE - the first 'sentence' of the current version is
not technically a sentence... you don't have to use 'emanates'
but you need a verb right there to make it a real sentence.
[current] A permanent aura of extreme heat around Phodom that
deals damage to enemies around. [...]
[suggested correction] A permanent aura of extreme heat emanates
from Phodom, dealing damage to nearby enemies.
FIRE ELEMENT - SUGGESTION Fire Elemental
FLAME EXPLOSION -
[current] [...] damaging and stunning enemies around for 10
seconds. [...]
[suggested correction] [...] damaging and stunning nearby
enemies for 10 seconds. [...]
COLOSSAL SLAM - (its the ground that is trembling- blame us
insane English people with our bass ackwords language)
[current] With power and magic, Phodom slams the floor trembling
the ground in a wide area.
[suggested correction] With power and magic, Phodom slams the
ground, making it tremble in a wide area.
GROUND ZERO - technically there should be a , after decimation
but I doubt anyone will notice other than me.
HEAVEN'S BLESS - SUGGESTION Heaven's Blessing (this one
really threw me off lol)
PHOENIX COMBO - Again I have a suggestion, but if you don't want
to use it, here is regular correction:
[current] With great force and bombardment from his hammer sends
Phodom and his target slowly to the sky while hitting the foe
rapidly, dealing damage to it 12 times. Then slams the enemy
[...]
[suggested correction] The great force and bombardment from his
hammer sends Phodom and his target slowly to the sky while
hitting the foe rapidly, dealing damage to it 12 times. Then
Phodom slams the enemy [...]
SUGGESTION Phodom hits the enemy 12 times with such force from
his hammer that it raises both Phodom and the target slowly to
the sky. Then Phodom slams the enemy [...]
CHAOTIC RIFT - SUGGESTION change 'the unfortunate creatures'
to 'any unfortunate creatures'
[current] Opens a Chaotic Rift causing gigantic damage around
Phodom burning his foes alive. If the unfortunate creatures
survive this devastating explosion their attack damages are
minimized to nearly zero for 10 seconds.
[suggested correction] Opens a Chaotic Rift causing gigantic
damage around Phodom, burning his foes alive. If the unfortunate
creatures survive this devastating explosion, their attack
damage is minimized to nearly zero for 10 seconds.
#Post#: 7785--------------------------------------------------
SUGGESTED FIX #2 - FRADZ SKILLS
By: Jynnx Date: March 18, 2012, 12:03 pm
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Note: I am note sure, but Fradz's might be Fradz' instead, since
the Z sounds like S it may have same apostrophe rules, but I am
really not sure, so I'm using Fradz's.
SWORD DANCE - note: nice word choice with neurotransmitters =D
note 2: how much attack speed bonus does he get anyway? This
could be uber, or could be trash, depending on how big the bonus
is!!! note 3: verb tenses need to match - yes English sucks.
[current] Speeds up Fradz's neurotransmitters, increasing his
attack speed and making his blades flashes of metal for 5
seconds. As a side effect, his muscles get tired and decreases
his movement speed by 50% and increasing damage received by 33%.
[suggested correction]Speeds up Fradz's neurotransmitters,
increasing his attack speed and making his blades flashes of
metal for 5 seconds. As a side effect, his muscles get tired,
decreasing his movement speed by 50%, and increasing damage
received by 33%.
SUGGESTION: Speeds up Fradz's neurotransmitters, increasing his
attack speed and turning his blades into flashes of metal for 5
seconds. [...]
THUNDER - (if you change verb tense so there is no -ing in the
first half of sentence (before the ,) the rest of the long
sentence can still fit into one sentence - hard to describe
why...)
[current] Summons a thunderbolt electrifying his foe, damaging
and making the victim shaky which reduces it's attack and
movement speed by 25% for 10 seconds. [...]
[suggested correction] Summons a thunderbolt to electrify his
foe, damaging and making the victim shaky which reduces it's
attack and movement speed by 25% for 10 seconds.[...]
INVISIBLE STRIKE - first one is technically not a real sentence
(English teacher would say What makes Fradz invisible? has to do
with subject and verb matching...)
[current] Makes Fradz invisible for 20 seconds boosting his
movement speed by 50%. [...]
[suggested correction] Fradz becomes invisible for 20 seconds,
boosting his movement speed by 50%. [...]
LIGHTNING MASTERY - second sentence is really super duper long.
Its so long I'm not even sure if it needs it (matching subjects
and verbs and pulling out parenthetical phrases and such got too
much for me!) but suggesting:
[current] [...] pure energy upon targets with such force[...]
[suggested correction] [...] pure energy. This energy has
enough force [...]
and sorry, no I am not typing out that whole sentence, its like
a paragraph long!!!
ENERGY BALL -
[current] Fradz transform [...]
[suggested correction] Fradz transforms [...]
FLASH STRIKE - not sure if its a suggestion or a regular grammar
correct, but...
[current] Fradz runs on a lighting hitting 5 enemies [...]
[suggested correction] Fradz runs on a lightning bolt, hitting 5
enemies [...]
ELECTRO SHELL -
[current] [...] This shield increases their armor by 5 and deals
damage to enemies that attacks them.
[suggested correction] [...] This shield increases their armor
by 5 and deals damage to enemies that attack them.
TELEPORT STRIKE - first 'sentence' not really a sentence. You
could add 'This ability is' to the beginning, but that seems
elementary compared to the rest of the text in this campaign. My
suggestion:
[current] An upgraded version of Flash Strike ability. This time
Fradz uses everything he can offer to become as fast as
lightning itself, [...]
[suggested correction] Being an upgraded version of the Flash
Strike ability, this time Fradz uses everything he can offer.
He becomes as fast as lightning itself, [...]
LIGHTNING ORB -
[current] Creates a Lightning Orb to a selected place [...]
[suggested correction] Creates a Lightning Orb at a selected
place [...]
SUGGESTION Change 'a selected place' to 'the specified location'
which is closer to what warcraft 3 normally uses.
#Post#: 7789--------------------------------------------------
SUGGESTED FIX #3 - GALEOTH SKILLS
By: Jynnx Date: March 18, 2012, 1:51 pm
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FREEZE -
[current] Targeted enemy is freezed for the following 5 seconds
[...]
[suggested correction] Targeted enemy is frozen for the
following 5 seconds [...]
SUGGESTION Target enemy is frozen for 5 seconds [...]
BONE CHILLER - suggested way to fit it into warcraft 3 style
writing, but made normal correction in case you don't like
suggestion
[current] Freezes enemies around Galeoth making damage over time
for 3 seconds. Also disables their basic attacks and movement
and giving them Brittle for 3 seconds.
[suggested correction] Freezes enemies around Galeoth making
them take damage over time for 3 seconds. Also disables their
basic attacks and movement and gives them Brittle for 3 seconds.
SUGGESTION Galeoth freezes nearby enemies, damaging them,
disabling their basic attacks and movement, and giving them
Brittle for 3 seconds.
SEAL OF RESURRECTION - changed quite a bit, doesn't need this
exact phrasing, but its all kinds of wrong ::)
[current] Places a powerful seal to a target character [...] all
his health and mana are full plus his cooldowns are reseted.
[suggested correction] Places a powerful seal on a target
character [...] his health and mana are completely restored, and
all of his cooldowns have been reset.
ICY BARRAGE -
[current] Basic attacks of Galeoth will slow opponents by 25%
for 5 seconds and has a 10% chance to stun for 1 second. In
addition increases Galeoth's attack range by 25%.
[suggested correction] Basic attacks of Galeoth will slow
opponents by 25% for 5 seconds and have a 10% chance to stun for
1 second. Galeoth's attack range is also increased by 25%.
PIERCING SHARD - SUGGESTION
[current] [...] Piercing Shard does extra damage the further its
cast away.
[suggested correction] [...] Piercing Shard's damage increases
with increased range.
MAGICAL HAMMER -
[current] [...] When hit, deals damage to it [...]
[suggested correction] [...] When it hits, it deals damage to
the target [...]
ICE ELEMENT - SUGGESTION Ice Elemental
MESMERIZING ICE CRYSTAL -
[current] Summons a Mesmerizing Ice Crystal that forces nearby
enemies attacking itself. Enemies who attacks the crystal will
receive damage back. The crystal also increases characters hit
point regenerations.
[suggested correction] Summons a Mesmerizing Ice Crystal that
forces nearby enemies to attack themselves. Enemies who attack
the crystal will receive damage back. The crystal also increases
characters' hit point regeneration.
CHILL OF THE FROST MASTER -
[current] Galeoth creates a powerful icy nova around him, [...]
[suggested correction] Galeoth creates a powerful icy nova
around himself, [...]
FROZEN FANG - ? ? ? says 'stuns them for 3 seconds and gives
them Bleed both for 6 seconds' should 'both' be taken out? it
makes it sound like both bleed and stun for 6 seconds but it
says stun for 3 - or am I missing what it is there for?
SUGGESTION change 'to a selected area' to 'to the selected
location' to match my other suggestion(s).
GLACIAL ARMOR -
[current] Creates a Glacial Armor to a friendly unit [...] Melee
attacks to a unit [...] and slows attackers.
[suggested correction] Creates a Glacial Armor on a friendly
unit [...] A unit [...] and slows melee attackers.
FROZEN PARADISE - SUGGESTION a little thing, but I think
'duration' works better than 'time' for both times 'time' is
used.
FROZEN STORM -
[current] [...] After 10 seconds has passed [...]
[suggested correction] [...] After 10 seconds have passed [...]
NORTHREND WINDS - the details of this ability are in white, not
yellow
#Post#: 7791--------------------------------------------------
SUGGESTED FIX #4 - PACKS, STARTING ITEMS & DIFFICULTY
By: Jynnx Date: March 18, 2012, 2:34 pm
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PHODOM PACKS / ITEMS
AVENGER -
[current] This pack is great for anyone who like to fight [...]
[suggested correction] This pack is great for anyone who likes
to fight [...]
POWER HAMMER - (note the space before the parenthesis)
[current] Gives +1 Atk Damage per 2 charge(up to [...]
[suggested correction] Gives +1 Atk Damage per 2 charges (up to
[...]
AEGIS SHIELD - (note the space before the parenthesis)
[current] [...] 10 charges(up to a maximum of 600 magic damage.
[...] Also gives permanently 10 armor.
[suggested correction] [...] 10 charges (up to a maximum of 600
magic damage). [...] Also gives 10 armor permanently.
AMILY PICTURE - change to Family Picture :P
FRADZ PACKS / ITEMS
SWORD OF HASTE - add space before parenthesis.
ADVENTURER - think there are 2 spaces between pack and who
[current] This is a good pack who like [...]
[suggested correction] This is a good pack for those who like
[...]
GALEOTH PACKS / ITEMS
ICE CRYSTAL - (note the space before the parenthesis)
[current] Gives +5 magic damage per 1 charges(up to [...]
[suggested correction] Gives +5 magic damage per 1 charge (up to
[...]
DIFFICULTY LEVELS
CHILD'S PLAY -
[current] This difficulty is for the ones that want to see how
the story goes and doesn't have the patience to play the game
itself. [...]
[suggested correction] This difficulty is for those who want to
see how the story goes and don't have the patience to play the
game itself. [...]
NORMAL -
[current] Normal difficulty is good if you have already
knowledge [...]
[suggested correction] Normal difficulty is good if you already
have knowledge [...]
HARD -
[current] Hard difficulty are for those [...]
[suggested correction] Hard difficulty is for those [...]
HARDCORE - (in the yellow section on the bottom)
[current] Lives are disabled from the game, but some abilities,
items and similar can resurrect.
[suggested correction] Lives are disabled from the game, but
some abilities, items and similar effects can resurrect.
#Post#: 7792--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grammar Corrections
By: Jynnx Date: March 18, 2012, 2:36 pm
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Ok, thats all I saw from the start up portion of the game. And
by the way, I did not notice any errors in the first cinematic,
or the starting yellow text for the first quest. And if someone
can point me to this 'book' for the background or whatever it
was, I'll be happy to check that out.
#Post#: 7795--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grammar Corrections
By: Shinokyofu Date: March 18, 2012, 4:17 pm
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Man, you're awesome, i think restarting the game that much times
help a lot too ;D.
Question: why is "the ones that..." wrong? "those who" IS a lot
better, but just wanting to know.
#Post#: 7798--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grammar Corrections
By: Killa Date: March 18, 2012, 5:41 pm
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Thanks for correcting these, I'm sure it drove some people
insane when reading it. I never got a chance to correct any of
these because the descriptions was always changing.
#Post#: 7801--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grammar Corrections
By: Jynnx Date: March 18, 2012, 6:23 pm
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Killa - always changing descriptions? well that sounds like an
editor's nightmare! And I must thank you also, its the first
cinematic that got my interest enough to get into The Chosen
Ones. I figured if he put that much work into just the first
one, and theres seeeeecret ones too?!?! That got my interest!
And that first cinematic had no errors that I saw (even payed
close attention for errors on my second time watching!). And
with no errors my mind concentrates on the plot! (Otherwise all
I think is 'well that wasn't right' and I stop paying attention
to the rest lmao!)
Shinokyofu - And 'the ones that' vs. 'those who' ('that' should
be changed to 'who' either way)- Its hard to describe, but if
you write a paper, you must use 'one' instead of he/she
them/they etc. If you have been using he/she them/they then
you should stay away from 'one' to keep the same format type.
Unless you are talking about people who aren't there... For
example, both George and Sally dispose of trash properly. George
might say to Sally, "The ones who throw trash on the street
should be put in jail!" But he would also say "Those who throw
trash where it belongs should be commended!" because it is
something they both do. Or if you're talking about a soldier
when there are no soldiers present 'Its the ones who sacrificed
their lives that should be praised'. I'm not sure if this is a
rule or just standard practice to be honest.
P.S. I stink at knowing when to use 'who' or 'whom', but 'whom'
seems to be used less and less often, and I would not be
surprised to find that we no longer use it at all in a few more
years. If anyone knows the proper usage for 'whom' please jump
in!!
#Post#: 7802--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grammar Corrections
By: doomlord Date: March 18, 2012, 6:37 pm
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'Whom' is used as a replacement for 'who' in formal English,
especially as an object of a verb or prep. For example: The
fugitive shot the policeman. He survived the wound -> The
fugitive shot the policeman whom survived the wound.
I remember learning so. If I'm wrong then correct me.
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