DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Sneaky Jack Productions
HTML https://sneakyjack.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: General Discussion
*****************************************************
#Post#: 41--------------------------------------------------
Old Folk Remedy
By: Pooface Date: March 19, 2011, 1:23 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I came up with this idea while skiing. It's weird as hell, and
probably very heavily inspired by that stella video I showed you
guys, but I couldn't get it out of my head, so I just wrote it
up. If you have any ideas about the ending, lemme know.
Fade in on Sam and Austin sitting on the couch playing video
games. They do this by waving the controllers around and
pressing any and every button.
Austin: Hit the unicorn! Hit it!
Sam: Look out for the rain barrels!
Austin: More Russians going for the hatbox!
Sam: No, it’s gonna smack!
Sam and Austin: Shiiiiiit!
Sam: Aw, game over. Man, that was intense.
Austin: Yeah, I forgot all about that bear in the corner.
Austin lets out a wet, guttural sound, then coughs.
Sam: Okay man, seriously. You’ve been making that noise for the
past hour and I have had just about enough. What is up with it?
Austin: I don’t know, it just started yesterday.
Sam: Well, my uncle’s a doctor. Let me have a look.
Austin: Okay.
Sam leans in and presses his ear to Austin’s chest. He hums to
himself, taps Austin on the back three times, and breathes on
the spot where he was listening, then listens some more. His
expression grows more and more concerned as time goes on, while
Austin keeps the same completely blasé expression throughout.
Finally, Sam sits back up.
Sam: Well, I’ve got bad news for you, bro.
Austin: Hit me with it straight, dog. I’m ready.
Sam: Well, it’s your vascular system. It’s not vasculating.
Austin adopts a look of sheer terror and slowly turns to the
side.
Austin: (whispering) Oh nooooooo.
Sam: Dude, it’s okay. My grandmama taught me an ancient
Belo-Russo-Hungaro-Polish remedy for this sort of thing. Let’s
go to the kitchen.
Austin: Oooookay!
Sam and Austin shuffle awkwardly from out behind the table, and
continue in exactly the same manner up the stairs and into the
kitchen.
Sam: All right big boy, you just sit it down right there and I
will gather the ingredients for a big honking pitcher of steamy
stew. Just relax and think about something pleasant.
Austin: Sure thing!
Austin sits at the kitchen table, and we see he is thinking
about Jack drinking from a glass of water. This brings a huge
grin to Austin’s face. Meanwhile, Sam goes to the fridge.
Sam: Let’s see here...we get some squash, some milk, some
chocolate, some buttah...
Austin is now thinking about Jack swaying from side to side with
an intense expression on his face, provoking a bewildered
reaction from Austin. Cut back to Sam.
Sam: ...we got soy sauce, we got beef, we got tortellini, we
gotta da pizza, we got vodka, we got more vodka...
In Austin’s head, Jack is dancing shirtlessly and provocatively,
prompting Austin to have something resembling a seizure. Cut
back to Sam. At this point the ingredients Sam is pulling out of
the fridge have pretty much nothing to do with what he’s saying.
Sam: ...we got pepper, we got comic books, we got Peter Frampton
Comes Alive, we got this, we got that, we got this, we got that,
we got this, we got that...
Cut to all the ingredients strewn across the table. The camera
pans over them then comes to rest on Sam.
Sam: Okay, we’re ready!
Austin shoots to his feet, a big stupid grin on his face.
Austin: Super!
Sam: But I’m gonna need your help, buddy. (He turns to the
camera, which moves closer to him) Let’s make some
steeeeewwwwwww!
Montage: Shot of pasta being vigorously stirred in a bowl, pull
back to see Sam staring at the camera with a look of intense
rage as he stirs. Shot of Austin sloshing the milk carton around
next to his head then sniffing it. Shot of Sam and Austin
standing facing each other. Sam hits Austin on the head with a
bell pepper, which makes Austin clutch his head. Then Sam hands
the pepper to Austin, who in turn hits Sam on the head. They
both look at it, nod, and throw it into a pot. Shot of soy sauce
being poured over a newspaper. Shot of Sam turning a pot in a
circle while chanting. Close-up of Austin licking a package of
butter, then giving a very creepy smile. Et cetera.
Sam spoons out a bit of brownish liquid from a pot and slurps it
while Austin watches carefully.
Sam: It’s ready.
Sam pours some of the liquid in the bowl and puts it in the
microwave. He sets the time for 3:33. Sam starts speaking in
tongues. Cut rapidly between him as his chanting grows in
intensity, Austin whose eyes grow wider and wider, and the stew
as it microwaves. Soon random noises like helicopter blades,
screams, and a horse whinnying intrude on the soundtrack. There
is a flash, and then a shot of the microwave finishing cooking.
Sam: Here we go!
Austin: I just saw a goat with three heads!
Sam reaches in and pulls out the bowl, then turns to Austin with
it.
Sam: Hope you’re hungry for some wordenhoffplaskybru!
Austin sits down at the table where a place has been set for him
as Sam sets the bowl of stew down.
Austin: Oh, I’m gonna spoon this right down into my gullet,
believe you me!
Sam: (chuckling) Oh, you rogue.
The doorbell rings. Sam’s head instantly snaps to look.
Sam: I’ll get it.
He goes to the door and answers it to find Jack there.
Jack: ‘sup, slut.
Sam: Hey duuude! Come on in.
Sam and Jack walk into the kitchen while Austin hurriedly spoons
stew into his mouth.
Jack: What you eating? Smells good.
Sam: Well, see, Austin had a bit of a problem. (puts a hand to
the side of his mouth and stage whispers): It was his vascular
system.
Jack fails at stifling a giggle.
Jack: Tee hee!
Austin: (embarrassed) Oh, come on you guys!
Sam: Anyway, my dear old neena from Europe told me about this
folk remedy for it, so we cooked him up some
wordenhoffplaskybru, and he’ll be right as rain in no time.
Sam smiles at Austin, who smiles and nods with a big “uh-huh”,
spilling some stew from his mouth.
Jack: Oh, wordenhoffplaskybru? We just learned how to make that
in my cooking class!
Austin: No waaaay!
Jack: Yeah dude. So how much wax did you use?
Sam: Regular amount, about a cup.
Jack: Tight. And what about green tea?
Austin stops mid-slurp, then slowly sets the spoon down.
Austin: I don’t think we put any green tea in it.
Austin looks at Sam, whose face has now taken on a look of
terror.
Sam: We didn’t... we must have forgotten to...
Jack puts a hand to his mouth in astonishment. Austin looks back
and forth between the two, confused.
Austin: What? What’s wrong?
Jack: (Very quietly) Without the purifying nature of the tea,
the stew is...
Sam: ...cursed.
Rapid cuts between all three, accompanied by DUM DUM DUM-type
noises. Cut to a wide shot of all three in the kitchen.
Sam: (Screaming) What have I dooooone?
Austin: Noooooo!
Jack: Guys, just calm down.
Austin: And I just got over a curse last week, too!
Sam: They’ll take away my baking rights FOREVER!
Jack: Look, we can just make some tea and have him drink it!
Then it could mix with the stew in his stomach and he’ll be
fine.
Austin: You think that’ll work?
Jack: Right now (rack focus to a close-up on his face as he
turns to the camera) it’s the only chance we’ve got.
Close-up of pressing the button to start the water heater,
followed by close-up of the light turning on. Reverse shot of
Sam, Jack, and Austin bent over and staring intently at the
heater.
Sam: Come on, come on...
Austin: You can do it baby. Pop it off for daddy.
Jack: DO IT YOU FAT WHORE! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
The heater turns off, the water inside boiling. The tea is
poured, Splenda is added, and Austin sips from the proffered mug
as Sam and Jack watch him with their hands on their hips.
Austin: Aaaahhhh...
Jack claps Sam on the back.
Jack: See guys. If we put our heads together, there’s no jam we
can’t get out of.
Sam: You said it, pal!
The three share a hearty laugh, which is broken off by Austin
suddenly shouting out “Lawdy lawdy!” He blinks, then looks down
at the tea, a bewildered expression on his face.
Sam: Huh. That wasn’t supposed to happen.
Jack: Sam, what kind of tea did you give him?
Sam reaches sheepishly behind him to grab a box off the counter.
Sam: Well, I only have the one type-
Jack snatches the box from his hand and reads the label.
Jack: (furiously) Decaf Earl Grey?! You stupid, stupid, stupid!
Sam: What? It’s basically green tea, right?
Jack: The whole point of the green tea in the recipe is so the
ancient mysticism of the Orient can counteract the cursed
heritage of Eastern Europe. But you just served an American a
glass of British tea brewed in America.
Sam: Oh... so what happens now?
Jack: What do you think is gonna happen?
Sam and Jack both turn to where Austin is standing. Now he’s
wearing a frilly dress and twirling a parasol.
Austin: (in a Southern lady’s accent) I do declare, gentlemen.
Sam goes “humph.” Jack shrugs.
*****************************************************