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#Post#: 32--------------------------------------------------
The Finer things
By: bening97 Date: January 29, 2011, 6:28 pm
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This is my bathroom show, The Finer Things. The entirety of this
conversation takes place in two bathroom stalls.
Episode 1:
Setting: Dani enters the bathroom and looks furtively to see if
anyone is there. Someone occupies one of the stalls, so Dani
scampers to the toilet and closes the door quickly, pulls down
her pants, and starts her business.
Austin: Hey, uh, who’s over there?
Silence
Austin: I know this is awkward, but I can’t go unless I know
who’s next to me. Security issues, it’s a long story.
(whistles) I can see your feet (pause).
I’m going to keep talking even if you don’t tell me.
Dani: It’s Dani.
Austin: Austin. Nice to meet you (extends hand from under the
stall, hoping for a hand shake)
Dani: (just stares at the hand in disgust and confusion. Almost
backs away from it without responding)
Austin: No? (looks at hand, rolls eyes, as if she was the weird
one) well, it’s a pleasure to meet you Dani. Is that short for
Danielle?
Dani: Look, you’re very nice, but I can’t talk while I’m going
to the bathroom.
Austin: Oh. Ok. I’m Sorry. (disheartened and disappointed)
Both sit in an awkward silence. Dani finally looks relaxed and
the sound of her peeing is audible. Austin looks so
uncomfortable, almost trapped in the stall. He taps, fidgets
with his leg hair, plays with the plunger.
Dani is finished and looks for the toilet paper, but there isn’t
any.
Dani: hey, sorry, can I have some toilet paper? There isn’t any
over here.
Austin: I thought we weren’t speaking.
Dani: (rolls eyes and forces niceness) Come on, please? I only
need a little bit (sticks hand under the stall).
Austin: whoa there Dani, reaching one’s hand under the stall is
SOOOOO awkward. I should ignore you.
Dani: You have to be joking, you can’t leave me here stranded.
Austin: oh my, this tp is so refreshing: the white silk of
salvation cleansing my dirty bottom. But, dear me, it seems
there’s only a little left. (hands her a square). Here, from the
bottom of my heart.
Dani: (she takes it and looks at it) I can’t believe this.
Austin: Make it count!
Dani: What do you want?
Austin: What?
Dani: Do you want money?
Austin: Wha- well, um – we could just talk?
Dani: You want me to talk to you?
Austin: (bursts out in self-conscious explanation) OK, I suffer
from Lonely Pooper Syndrome, I can’t poop unless I talk to
someone, and I’ve been holding this for an two weeks, and you’re
the first person who’s sat here long enough, so for the love of
god and all that is holy, please talk to me.
Dani: Oh wow, uhm, what about?
Austin: (Groaning) The weather’s really nice.
Dani: Isn’t it raining?
Austin: (groan) uggh
(crescendo)
Dani: OK, well, my name’s Dani. I live in the 330’s. I’m from
Omaha, Nebraska.
A: good.
D: I’m an english major and was the editor of my high school
paper.
A: uh huh
D: (grasping for things to talk about) uh I worked at a
Coldstone creamery this summer, and now I hate ice cream.
A: Keep it going!
D: Well, my dad’s a big game hunter. Our entire house is filled
with dead animals. Every year since I was in seventh grade he’s
give me a mounted deer head for my birthday.
A: GOOD LORD, HERE IT COMES! (cacophonous pooping sound)
D: When I eat M&M’s, I sort them by colors and then eat them so
that they make a pyramid. I’m not OCD or anything, it’s just
something I’ve always done, but green HAS to be on top or else I
won’t eat them.
A: (deep breathes) I think that’s all.
D: I had and still have a terrible fear of Aladdin. The scene
with the creepy old man in jail and that ghost cat gave me night
terrors. Even therapy wasn’t able to rid me of Jafar. One guy
thought it may have been a symptom of sexual abuse and acute
paranoia, but that scene is way too scary for a kids mov-
A: woah woah woah let’s hold up here for a second.
D: Wow, got a little carried away there. I guess I had a lot
more built up than I thought.
A: (Sighs) I know what you mean
D: really, you’re one of the few people who have actually sat
and listened. Thanks.
Austin has wiped and has stood up buttoning his pants.
A: No, Dani, Thank you! You’ve been very helpful(closes the
door)
Oh, you’ll be needing this too. (slides roll under the door)
D: Wait, did you steal my toilet paper?
A: How else would I have gotten you to talk to me? Well, gotta
go, see ya round, Dani
D: (angry)You were holding me hostage!?! you got to be kidding
me! Don’t you dare leave, I’m not finished with you!
Bathroom door closes
D: (sighs) He didn’t even wash his hands…
#Post#: 33--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Finer things
By: Pooface Date: January 29, 2011, 7:24 pm
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I like it. SO MUCH.
But take out the last line, and then have her tell that to him
as one of the first lines of the next episode.
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