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#Post#: 128--------------------------------------------------
What Makes The Warlus Smile
DIR By: High Captain Song
Date: July 28, 2023, 8:09 pm
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-- Within the Market Square, a crossroads for all the main
avenues of the Caravanserai --
It is not unheard of for the Skald of Kassau to tutor other
Singers in the art of their caste. It is, however, a rare thing
outside of the Caste meets at the various fairs, where Master
Skalds and Singers are expected to lend an ear to those less
skilled and offer advice on how they might improve. Presuming
they might improve.
He is engaged in such instruction now, but shaking his head at
one particularly slow-witted but handsome lad for whom innuendo
is his preferred method of entering a Free Woman's boudoir while
her Mate is away.
"No, no, no. You pause BEFORE you say "stunt." Because then
people will think you are going to say.... something rude. And
they will laugh when you do not! We play on their expectations
to make them laugh, for the unexpected is what often times makes
people laugh."
So it has come to this. Explaining the concept of jokes to a man
with no sense of humor.
I unshoulder my cittern and tune the instrument, seeing a dull
expression in the apprentice bard's eyes that, were it a
whetstone, might immediately blunt any blade pressed against it
and run it for all time. "Perhaps if I were to give an example
of the sort of song where timing is everything? Hopefully you
might all learn something form this. If only about anatomy."
I start strumming out a lively tune for the better part of an
ehn. A small crowd gathers and the other bards helpfully begin
to clap out a beat and get the people going along with it before
I begin to sing.
Strange things have been done
By the midnight sun,
And the story books are full.
But the strangest tale
Concerns the male
Magnificent walrus bull.
I know it’s rude.
Quite common and crude.
Perhaps even grossly unkind.
But at first glance, at least,
This ponderous beast
Is as ugly in front as behind!
Wouldn’t you like to know?
Wouldn’t you like to know?
Wouldn’t you like to know
What makes the Walrus smile?
The crowd and the bards seem a little confused as to where this
song is going, save for some passing Torvaldsmen, who have heard
this tune before and are enjoying it immensely.
Look once again.
Take a second look, then,
You’ll see he’s not ugly or vile.
There’s a hint of a grin
On his blubbery chin.
And his eyes have a sly secret smile.
How can this be?
This clandestine glee?
That exudes from the walrus like music?
For he knows deep inside,
Beneath blubber and hide,
Is a splendid contrivance, the Oosik.
Oh, Wouldn’t you like to know?
Wouldn’t you like to know?
Wouldn’t you like to know
What makes the Walrus smile?
An Oosik, you say?
And as quite well you may.
I’ll explain if you keep it between us.
In simplest truth
(Though rather uncouth)
The oosik’s the bone of his penis.
Now the size alone,
Of this walrus bone
Is enough to inspire envious thinking.
But it’s also a fact,
Documented and backed,
That there is no softening or shrinking.
Oh, Wouldn’t you like to know?
Wouldn’t you like to know?
Wouldn’t you like to know
What makes the Walrus smile?
These lyrics bring understanding and much laughter from the
Northmen, who know of the walrus and the folk remedy that the
ground up oosik might act as a cure for impotence. Not that
there is any truth to the folk remedy or that any of them ever
had need of such a potion. No, no, no.
I lean over conspiratorially for the next verse, as I strum the
cittern, glancing around as I sing as if revealing a great
secret.
This bit is why,
The smile is so sly,
And the walrus is rightfully proud.
For no matter how frigid,
He always stays rigid.
(Gods, why was Man not so endowed?)
That gets a bit of laughter and cheers, especially from the
wanton slavegirls. I do stop playing to hold up a hand in the
traditional signal for silence before I continue.
Added to this
Is a smile you might miss.
And the bull is entitled to bow.
The one to outsmile
The bull by a mile?
The freshly serviced walrus cow!
There is much slapping and shoulders and feminine giggling from
the wanton slavegirls (though this is redundant) enjoying the
show. I take my bows and gather up the coins that are thrown,
though I had not intended for this to be a paid performance.
"I hope you lads have profited from this instruction as much as
I have. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a voyage to prepare
for."
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