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#Post#: 469--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stories.. more banter fra the pub..
By: George Date: February 1, 2011, 8:08 am
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Well you all!!!!! While mg and I have been slavin' away getting
a birthday tea ready, writing out all the invites etc. etc.
george has been casting doubts on our invite list. Shame on you
george! You should know that you were at the bottom ops. top of
the list, cos you promised to bring the floor show which worries
me a bit ...
I've been to great expense - I say great expense - to get a
harpist up to Shetland this weekend to play but he's a bit late
because he said he was on the ferry and had to share with some
geezer who kept threatening him in the night because he was
a-snoring!!!! I wonder who that could be????
I've bought in a case of drinks....
I've left the TURKEY behind!!!!!!!
Ah well. Egg butties made by the Alkies with their purple
varnished finger nails and boil in the bag stovies will have to
do tonight then george........
Igor. He's putting summat in the watter!! I mean he's still
perched up on the light. Or......has George brought back
something sinister from Paisley? We did say da shed was like the
'Tardis'. Maybe bod is his glam assistant (she does seem to know
a lot about a lot).
Ere right, werris everyone. Av gonnan got mesen all dun up and
cumin ere t get blathered and there aynt nur one ere. Wes grub
and wes all this booze yuv promised. Av gonnun brought some fine
Country Manor fizzy wine, yer nur the one thats bin doin rounds
furra long time. Av put me best strappy top on so I ope I durnt
get nithered letter.
Let the party begin, well it would if there was anyone here,
stop planning your holiday benjiesmum and gerrondown ere.
Ooh, can people please type quietly. I've got a virtual hangover
after dancing all night and having the odd tipple. <or was it
topple?> I was wearing me little glittery number - you know, the
lurex mini skirt and the sequinned boob tube - and me strappy
sandals. Bod 'n' me 'n' benji and all the girls, well, we never
sat down, dancin' round our handbags until dawn.. Mhay turned up
through the night as she'd started to get over her cold and
George told her a wee snifter would sort her out. So he took off
his socks and waved them under her nose..
MG's a bit of an animal on those drums, isn't he??!! And Davids
a whizz on keyboards. Didn't realise George was such a good
crooner. And those dark good looks Alky and her twin were
droolin'.. Or maybe that was because they'd laughed so much
their false teeth shot across the room and flew out the door.
Talking of flying, Cap'n Allen was going to fly Fred Asparagus
in to Eshaness International Airport but unfortunately he'd
misjudged the weather and they had to divert to Reykjavik.
The guys had a great time too. That Mal is some mover and was
never off the dancefloor - move over John Travolta - and Pat and
mrgluss were excellent as the go-go dancers on top of the
tables. Specialk and heimdal did a good job of serving
everyone. Thought heimdal looked very fetching <and carrying> in
his frilly pinny. Great that everyone was there, too many to
mention, so crammed in it reminded us of the old days in the
Booth. And when the boys threw the birthday girls up in the air
and they got stuck on the ceiling, tangled in the lights, and
then the Northmavine fire boys and coastguard had to come and
rescue them.. Whit a night...
Hi George,
Your head still throbbin' ? Thought so.
Here you are, this'll clear your heid........
o ma heid, it's fair throbbin wa aw da drums dat MG wis
bashin.... a did notice last night dat bod got aff wae dat igor,
think they were in da peat shed, just wait till her sister benji
finds oot, but she'll no find oot frae me my lips are
sealed......... it's wis a good idea tae invite da local
constabulary as efter a bit o pestering frae mally they
eventualy gave in and gave him a lift home......... I think dat
I maybe hud a wee bit to much o da drink, cause I think I wis
chatting up alky een her twin alkopop....god I feel really
rough...
Ere right George worrayer on abowt me goin in tut peat shed wi
that Igor, thought yud grass me up did yer. Its true enough Igor
tried t cop off wi me and told me t get mesen down tut shed but
when a got there e were already givin benj a birthday kiss, well
I just legged it back in tut pub. I'll deck me sister wenna
catch up wiyer.
You ask Fiona, shis me alibi cos we wos dancing all night like
she said, round us andbags, her wi lurex skirt and boob tube and
me wi me leather cat suit, them blurks thought we wos well fit.
Ere MG av told yer before that picture were teken in me rebel
days, am well refined now, gorra looella bag from armani other
day so am dead classy now. Your istory when a see you fur
showing that, will afta dig one of your olduns owt, now that
will mekem laff
Benjiesmums very qwiert, wer are u sister..
I just came in to do a bit of housekeeping. Whit a stoor. Da
whole place is mockit.
Thank God benjie's birthday only comes once a year.
Scrivvens whits this....looks like a pile o' manged cats....why
it's Igor sookin oot o' his bottle,
If we don't start behavin' in here the Mods. will chuck us oot.
Hang on a minute, that Fifi wis makin' a reet exhibition o'
hersel wi bod on Sunday night. What went on in da peat shed, Big
'G' only knows !!!!
hello all, i'm a bit miffed wa dat queenie o oor's, I went tae
great expence een bought an alder tree fur ma garden, aw da wie
frae paisley toon, so I gave ma auld mate prince harry a wee
phone een telt him i wanted his grannie da old queenie tae come
up fur da planting ceremony, even telt him dat i could even pit
her up in da spare bedroom [ fur a small fee ] he telt me dat da
queenie said dat a wis only an auld commoner een she wisna
interested..the bl*****g cheeky wummin dat she is, een me paying
aw da taxes aw they years. a wis fair disappointed in
her......................................prince philip said he
wid come if i gave him an intro ta alky as he liked dem a bit
rough.. but i telt him dat a really didna like da greeks so dat
ruled him oot.......
You wis a bit hasty on yer ceremony................... benjies
uncle knows Phil da Greek ! Was in da forces wi im. He might hae
put a word in wi Queenie for ye.
ahah.. MG if only I had thought o you I micht o realized dat you
were da man ta get it oganized as you seem to be well connected.
wa bits o wire nay doot....... anyway it's to late, as i'm gaun
ta get myself doon ta buckingham palace ta dae a bit o
protesting aboot da auld queenie refering ta me as jist an auld
commoner...... it fair hurt my feelings efter me fighting fur da
king een country back in da dim past... ah wis very nearly
killed in da suez campaign ......................... when i fell
in da canal ... but i managed ta get oot o it when one o da boys
shouted dat wan o dem big nile crocs wis coming ta get
me..............
Which yin wis it George? We'll get him at playtime.............
da big fat wan on da right hand side wae da wellie-boot hinging
oot his jaw's.....................................i'm gonna gie
him whit fir...
Yikes! Ye see what happens when two men star bletherin'
together! George, the only connection mg has with royalty is
when a corgi bit his ankle once.
My uncle * "practice bombed" a boat that Phil the Geek was in
off Malta many years ago and then went for a drink with him
later on.....Royal connections ...
* but he did teach Adam Faith to fly a helicopter!! Just thought
I'd throw that one in.
I bet your uncle had to pay for da drinks... I dont think dat da
royals carry any money wa dem....
Neither does my uncle!!!!!
Thanks for reading this wee story..
george..
#Post#: 473--------------------------------------------------
Re: Storys from a virtual pub in shetland. george lost his teeth
again..
By: George Date: February 3, 2011, 12:38 am
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hello Alky, how are you this fine day......oh your a a wee bit
nackered are you,, been in da peat shed wae
mg......again......gis a pint o your best or i'll tell benji and
you know whit a temper she his..she is liable ta gie you a skelp
ower da heed....... a see david is up ta his tricks again... he
knows i'm feart o COO'S een he pit his flock... or is it herd...
in da field ootside da magnies thinking it wid keep me oot o
here.... but he forgot It's a virtual pub een I just clicked da
moose een it takes me right in da door...
Mornin George
Just tocht I would have a virtual dander ower to da Magnies...
Oh no, whits that I've stood in... arghhh blasted coos!!!
I reckon we could hiv them as steak for the pub denners though.
Champion..
good morning to you Pat....
it's a really nice day init.. Pat could I give you a wee bit o
advice... thought dat bikini your wearing on dis fine day... it
really doe's set oot your profile.......... but it's spoilt wae
da yellow wellies your wearing at da bottom bit [ your feet ]
noo wis dat no a bit tactful georgie boy .....................
aye Pat, I think your ald mates benji and bod are likely aff tae
da RSPB .............................. Scaring a da birds nay
doot..............
George, you cheer me up no end, Set off my profile - yup, an
he's a beauty noo adays virtual or otherwise..
Wrong G!!!!! I've been busy cleaning the back ends of my tups
today!!!! They are having their hair cut on Saturday ready for
the showing season so they'll not recognise each other after
that, and there will be all hell breaking lose in the shed on
Saturday night. So, I've cut their fringes off today so they can
see each other before the rest of the wool comes off and maybe
they'll stay friends. Bod'll be "wurkin" to keep those twa lads
of hers full of food. They're growin' boys!!!!
Ere George worrayer on abowt, there's nowt wrong wi me car, av
never needed breckdown cover.
Av bin lerrowta wuck early cos I were meckin a nuisance of mesen
and frightenin customers, am goin out wi sum muckers furra drink
and a birra food, theres a pub quiz on an all so I wont get
blathered cos were gonna win, right.
I arnt bin tut RSPB me sister lives too far away, neer mind us
frightening birds worra bowt you wit false teeth then, gerrum
super glued thell be reet, durnt purrum back in yer gob till
thiv dried else yer gums will get glued an all and yer wurnt be
able t cum in ere furra drink or t ave a friendly chat. Ere
right tharra be peaceful.
Hope yer wash yer ands before yer gunna meck dinner.!!!!
sister..
Watch and learn bod!!!!!!
Well, everybody seems to have gone away to their beds early
tonight. Just caught up with allen on "Link the Photo" but he
never seems to get into the pub. Can't says as I blame him with
all the rowdiness that seems to erupt when certain folk arrive.
Bod's gone out for the night with her mates so there's just me
and dog here tonight. I've got a good bottle of Normandy cider
that someone at school bought me back from France in exchange
for me letting one of my staff go off with all the little
darlings on their annual assault on the French. It's quite nice
too and I'd share it but there isn't anyone to share it with.
Now George if your teeth start giving you any pain over the
Easter weekend Alkys cousin has come up specially from the
infirmary to give you a wee jag!!!!! She's here all over the
Easter break and will be keeping a watchful eye on you.
Come on now George open wide for nice Nurse!!!
George........George..........come back George.........
hello alky, see the pubs empty again... I held an EAGM with
myself een took a vote the eyes won it the voting wis eyes 1
nays 0... so alcopop een igor are sacked as o noo..... wee canna
employ da bar staff een no hiv any customers, can we... they kin
sleep in da peat shed until they get themself sorted oot wa
another job, we will give dem a week then there oot in the
cauld... ...cheer up alky nay need ta greet. your still got your
job... provided dat you do certain favours fur me.. ie .. keep
da fire topped up, een gie da place a lick o paint, een smarten
yourself up, and last.. greet da punters wa a nice smile.. but
keep yer lips shut, we dont want tae frighten any more away with
half yer teeth missing.......
Ere George mind if I pull up a chair, worraya on abowt calling
other people wiyowt teeth, it weren't that long ago that yours
were brurk. Yuv gorram back now av yer. Nowt wus than suckin on
yer food. That reminds me did you ear about the tramp that went
in tut pub and ask furra cocktail stick, Barman asked what fur,
tramp said "cos someones bin sick outside and I want t eat the
bits" A second tramp kem in and sed "canna av a straw", Barman
asked wot fur. Tramp sed "cos someones bin sick outside and me
mates ad all the bits"
Ere George mind if I pull up a chair, worraya on abowt calling
other people wiyowt teeth, it weren't that long ago that yours
were brurk. Yuv gorram back now av yer. Nowt wus than suckin on
yer food. That reminds me did you ear about the tramp that went
in tut pub and ask furra cocktail stick, Barman asked what fur,
tramp said "cos someones bin sick outside and I want t eat the
bits" A second tramp kem in and sed "canna av a straw", Barman
asked wot fur. Tramp sed "cos someones bin sick outside and me
mates ad all the bits"
your well sick sick sick sick....tut.tut.tut...een here was I in
da middle o my dinner as well...shame on you bod he.he.
Worraya ad furt dinner then George, neeps and tatties. Me ant
ubby is goin furra Chinese letter, am well ungry cos ees watchin
football fust before we gur so av gorra wet till 7. Me stomach
thinks me throats cut. Berral be driving cos eel wanna drink sur
I'll afta av a curk or summat.
George I think people should be more sensitive at tea time.
She's a case my sister. She should still be out "wurkin" not
pubbing it, what with two lads waiting at home with their little
mouths open waiting for their tea shame on her!!!!
A Yorkshire joke from Sandra [aka Bod]
A couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen of their home
somewhere in Yorkshire.
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the
husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work
top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'
Hello George,
Have just been on your website, very impressed, some lovely
pictures. Theres a picture of a very handsome man with all his
teeth in, any idea who it is then. Sorry the weather isn't good
up there today, been glorious here in sunny York got loads done
in da peerie garden, looks reet neat and tidy now. Loads of lady
cows abowt.
Bod I've lost ma teeth again, help..
[IMG]
HTML http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l207/georgeg_photo/otherthings/warp3-1.jpg[/img]
Hope you enjoyed the banter, and no doubt you will have bother
understanding Bods yorkshire lingo.. but its all fun..
george..
#Post#: 477--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stories.. Da magnie gets a few surprizes..
By: George Date: February 4, 2011, 2:27 am
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Hello. Alky, sorry i've not been in for a few days, i'm afraid I
was a wee bit low in spirits the last couple o days, never mind
I thought I would call in and see you ... you always make me
smile, and today you look really pretty, I take it you took my
advice and went back to the plastic surgeon ...... he's done a
wonderful job with your face, all your bits seem to be in the
right place this time ................. Or are you wearing a
mask ... he.he.he...... oh dinna start the watter works again,
you know it disna work with me..
Alky...I think you should keep the mask on it might help to
entice da customer's back in da door.. you know of course that
there is only aboot four or five regulars come in here, yet the
pub's had ower 4.674 visiter's it's truly amazing
init.........................cheer's
Aye this is da stuff tae gie em.
It may be a virtual reality pub, but there's nae reality in
here. Just honest to goodness madness and mayhem.
It's a bit early in the morning to have a cider so I'll have a
coffee and a piece of cake if Alky will be so kind as to put the
pot on. Those fingernails are revolting Alky - bright orange
ones this week. Yuk!
I've got a bit to do today - boring things like washing and
cleaning my car ready for going back to work on Monday.
Bod's gone missing too. She's had nothing to say for a few days.
I expect those twa laddies of hers are keeping her busy "wurkin"
again.
I see you've been to Canada too George. I've been once to
Ontario too in 1975. It was, as you say a lovely country. So
very clean. I went to an old fashioned pioneer village that was
brilliant and then up into the wilds. It is such an enormous
country. I also went to Niagara and went under the falls. Did
you??
We were going to emigrate there in the 60s. We'd got clearance
from Canada House and everything and as a child, I remember
being so excited. But it wasn't to be. My mum's parents kicked
up a fuss. So that was the end of that.
Hello Alky we hiv had a complaint aboot your fingernails ...
they frightened wan o da customers, so smarten yourself up a bit
or your oot o here pronto......... dont start greeting again I
wis only joking .................................... Benji, to
answer your questions.. yes we were staying in the travel-lodge
in Niagara .. but we didna go on the maid o the mist, and I got
stung wae a wasp walking back tae the hotel, everyone thought it
was quite funny except me ..... we then stayed in Kingston, then
back to Niagara and crossed the bridge to the states.
going in the duty free shop was quite hilarious, my sister in
law was black affronted with what we bought .. he.he.he....we
did cross the river on the chair lift thing.. it was fun..
Hello Alky we hiv had a complaint aboot your fingernail's...
they frightened wan o da customers, so smarten yourself up a bit
or your oot o here pronto.........dont start greeting again I
wis only joking....................................Benji, to
answer your question's yes we were staying in the travel-lodge
in Niagara..but we didna go on the maid o the mist, and I got
stung wae a wasp walking back tae the hotel, everyone thought it
was quite funny except me.....we then stayed in Kingston then
back to Niagara and crossed the bridge to the states. going in
the duty free shop was quite hilarious, my sister in law was
black affronted with what we bought..he.he.he....we did cross
the river on the chair lift thing..it was fun..Hello Alky we hiv
had a complaint aboot your fingernail's... they frightened wan o
da customers, so smarten yourself up a bit or your oot o here
pronto.........dont start greeting again I wis only
joking....................................Benji, to answer your
question's yes we were staying in the travel-lodge in
Niagara..but we didna go on the maid o the mist, and I got stung
wae a wasp walking back tae the hotel, everyone thought it was
quite funny except me.....we then stayed in Kingston then back
to Niagara and crossed the bridge to the states. going in the
duty free shop was quite hilarious, my sister in law was black
affronted with what we bought..he.he.he....we did cross the
river on the chair lift thing..it was fun..
Hello MG..
If I'm not mistaken I could swear that it's Alkys love child
....................................... her oldest one, she has
a few o them in the basement with her auld mother, that one must
have escaped ........ you could have waited till after nine to
show it, cause at this time o day the bairns are aboot, and you
dont want to be held responible if they hae
nightmares........and pee da bed..etc.etc.....
Well hello George just popped in for a bit of a breather after
swallow watching in the field.
Wots going on here then. Nail varnish bottles all over the
floor... cotton wool ... nail polish remover in a puddle next to
the fire... there'll be an explosion in here if you're not
careful. No Alky you can't put black nail varnish on tonight
you'll frighten the customers away. Where are the nails on your
right hand gone.... they fell off!!!! They were false ones!!!!!
Yikes!!! Well where did they go???? In the stovies ... you
dropped them in the stovies ... not all of them ... some went in
the neeps and tatties ......
oh no!!!!! And you served it to that coach load that's just
left for the ferry ...... but gave some to George too because he
wanted to take some home...... oh dear oh dear....we'd better
get your cousin nurse to deal with him then...
If you fancy a wee cup of what you like, then try out the
virtual coffee machine..
1. Click on the link.. Wait for minute for the coffee machine
to load!
2. Put the coin in the vending machine.
3. Choose your drink.
4. Click on the cup when its ready.
5 Click on open.
Enjoy..
Don't forget to click on "open !!!
HTML http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf
Well I tried it even though I hate the stuff, so wots that there
munkeee sayin at th'end. Carnt yer find one that as got summat a
bit more potent, mebe you could purrit int Da Magnies and we
could have 24 hour drinkin, we wouldn,t afta purrup wi Alky
then.
Er, can you lend us a coin George, I came out without my
purse.....
Theres a munkkeee in the machine. I think it must have escaped
from specialk, I think she should be told.
Seeing what I have seen, I'll stick to WATER OUT OF THE TAP!!!!!
Hello all..
God's sake it's foo o tourists da night.. canadians, welsh,
ruskees, even some english folk [ even some twitcher's ] ....
I see that Alky's recovered frae her wee trip up tae north roe
wae me... I felt a wee bit sorry for her when I kiddied her on
dat I hud run oot o petrol ..and telt her tae get oot and shove
da car fur aboot a quarter o a mile .... well you have to
ecconomise some way, when petrol is £1.45 a litre ........
and Bod see dat wifie in da corner smoking a pipe, well that's
Mavis, think her last name is Grind... he.he.he..... I see that
Benji his let MG oot for a wee bevvy.. Big mistake Benji, cause
I saw him stagger inta da peat shed wae a bottle o whiskey
followed by CC your cousin ...... oh dont you worry aboot him,
he's past it anyway, but CC I think she's gonna get arty-crafty
wae him ......... anyway, I'm off home tae get myself my wee cup
o hot chocolate .. If you can believe me...
I'd avoid the hot choc. george. The munkee is still in the
machine!!!!! Have a couple of real drinks instead! Down the
hatch!
Helloooo Alky..
That soup you gave me the other day wis absolutely revolting,
when I got to the bottom o the bowl whit did I
find................................. fingernails... your've
been cutting your nails again haven't you ...........well a doot
you'll be going on a wee hygiene course ASAP ........... and
whit did we tell you aboot wearing some nice cloths eh .........
so get they dungarees off and get into something a bit
more..sexy.. like a smart wee mini-skirt ta entice da punters
back ............ on second thoughts I suppose it widna matter
whit you wore, cause it wid take a miracle ta improve your
looks..... greeting again ..... tell you whit, let's play a wee
trick on the punters tonight, you hiv the night off and get your
mum to stand in fur you ........... that would scare da living
daylights oot o them .... but mind and keep the chain on her in
case she escapes .... we dont want to start a panic do we..
Wots happened here today then, george, and where are all the
punters?
Came in for a wee drink before I hit my pit, and the place is
deserted. Ouch! Just tripped over something whats this???
Chains ..... attached to the bar. But they've been gnawed right
through by the looks of it .... great big teeth marks
everywhere!!!!!!!
Yikes there's a trail of nastee looking green stuff leading to
the cellar door. Better creep up...slowly
Yikes! Aaahhhhh!!! Who are you then..... Mavis? M.M.M.aavis who.
Grind? Oh that's the noise your teeth make when yer biting
through chains ......Yikes!!!!!!! George ..... where are
you????? Alky? Are you down there in the cellar??????
You don't have to be mad in here... but it sure helps!!
Ere yer all barkin, does that there MG ave nowt berra t do that
play ont furtobucket
Benj - you're just bossy, I'm sad because you med me kill me
slug
Help me George help me.
Hope you all enjoyed reading this, its a wee bit mad, but Its
men't to entertain..
george..
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