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#Post#: 672--------------------------------------------------
Dr. Spenser's Office
By: GGJ5 Date: June 4, 2013, 6:39 pm
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Dr. Jacob Spenser keeps his office a bit busier than most others
in his field. While it is neat and everything has a place, it is
also open and filled with various objects, art work, and
furniture, partially to make it feel more warm than clinical,
and partially because he simply liked it that way. He also saw
the way it helped to distract some patients from their anxiety
regarding therapy or psychiatric examination.
On the wall behind his simple wooden desk and chair hang his
many credentials: degrees marking him as an M. D., D. O., and
PhD in psychology, a Master's in psychological therapy (which
really only happened because of his PhD efforts) and his medical
license. Scattered throughout the office are pictures of his
family: Christmastime family portraits, a wedding photo, and on
his desk are two pictures; one of his daughter, Erin, and a
separate one of his wife, Mandi. They face outward, so that
visitors easily can see them.
Books line the walls and the furniture: In jam-packed
bookshelves, on table tops, on the top of the desk itself, and
sometimes, when things were messy, in the plush chairs he often
used during talks with his patients. Amid the books rest various
knick-knacks-- some from former patients, some gifts from his
family, some things he'd picked up himself as potential
therapeutic tools.
#Post#: 673--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dr. Spenser's Office
By: Mascii Date: June 4, 2013, 9:19 pm
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Yukito Ramsey
HTML http://imageshack.us/a/img580/3699/c802b4a7a3bfd24c0b244d0.jpg
It had only been yesterday since he'd taken the trek to Dr.
Spenser's office, intending to bring his 'diary' for him to read
through and see how he had been progressing through the social
anxiety exercises he'd been given. But that had been yesterday's
adventure. Getting stuck in the elevator with Jessica had been
quite a unique experience, but in the aftermath he hadn't had
the opportunity to accomplish what he'd meant to - talk to Dr.
Spenser about his night-terrors.
He didn't have a backpack to cling to, or a notebook to toy with
to keep his hands busy, so Yukito found his fingers drawn to the
bronze skeleton keys on the necklace he wore around his neck
absentmindedly. He was still a bit leery of taking the elevator
after yesterday, and he wasn't pressed for time, so he decided
to take the stairs all the way up. He was fine until around the
seventh floor, and had to slow down a bit. Yukito wondered if he
should have called ahead or let Dr. Spenser know he was coming
by today, so he just hoped that he had a little free time to
talk. He doubted he would take long..they spent most of their
sessions with Dr. Spenser trying in vain to prompt some sort of
conversation out of him. The truth was, Yukito didn't feel
comfortable around Dr. Spenser necessarily, but that didn't mean
he disliked the doctor. Dr. Spenser probably assumed that Yukito
hated him or something, but that was far from the truth. He just
had such a hard time talking to doctors... all doctors.
Yukito paused in front of the doorway to Dr. Spenser's office,
his eyes trailing down the hallway toward where he knew Hal's
office was. There was a part of him that had always known Hal
didn't tell him the whole truth, of course. But recently, Yukito
had found it harder and harder to trust blindly in what he was
told by Hal. Honestly speaking if it wasn't for the Spensers'
and for Reese, Yukito wouldn't have questioned it as much as he
had. But was it normal for a father to keep such a tight rein on
his son? Was it normal for him to feel so isolated all the time,
so removed? Memory loss or not, shouldn't he feel comfortable
enough to embrace his father without fear? And then there was
the matter of the newspaper clippings, which he had foolishly
entrusted to Erin. Why had he even opened that can of worms up
to her?
And then he'd forced her - unknowingly or not - to see one of
his episodes. The ones that he and Hal hated to talk about. He'd
pushed her away, screamed at her, frightened her to the point of
tears. There was nothing he could say to take that back. Yukito
let out a sigh, knocking on the door. That night he had only
hoped to rid himself of yet another of his fears - water. If he
could swim, that was a step forward, right? He could conquer
that fear, without the help of a doctor or a pill or a surgery.
That was all he had hoped for - one victory in the war against
his own mind. But what he'd received instead was something quite
different.
"Dr. Spenser?" he said, his voice rising in tone until it almost
sounded like a child's. Yukito hated to admit it, but his voice
lightened to an even quieter volume when he was around any of
the staff at the Academy, and he couldn't help it. As though
someone was choking his vocal chords and restraining their
movement, he physically was incapable of speaking more loudly.
He wanted to appear cool and confident, to show that he 'had it
together'. But it was hard, when he felt caught in an icy grip
all the time. Why wasn't it hard when he was around Erin, or
Reese, or Natalie?
"I...I wanted to talk to you yesterday, but things were a bit
crazy..." he said, still standing in the doorway, his eyes
lowering to the ground as he tugged at the fabric of his black
jacket, feeling the over-sized buttons catching on his
fingernail. "Sorry," he added, unsure why he was apologizing. He
licked his lips, trying to buy himself a second. "It's about the
nightmares... Um..is now not a good time? Because I can come
back later?" Despite the offer, his tone betrayed the hope that
Jacob would allow him to sit down anyways, and not make him
gather the courage to return again. Please, if I don't tell you
now, I might not have the strength to tomorrow.. More than
anything, he wanted to get this over with.
#Post#: 677--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dr. Spenser's Office
By: GGJ5 Date: June 4, 2013, 10:15 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Jacob Spenser
With a lull in scheduled appointments, Jacob Spenser had some
time to reorganize files, loading them into the computer and
checking to be sure they were all properly encrypted. He reread
each one as he refiled and encrypted each one. It was a good
reminder to see the progress in each child, and if there was no
progress, he could better focus on the areas that held them
back. Most had progress, though. Even if it was only a little
for some of them, progress was progress and it was definitely
something for which he was grateful.
A knock at his door made Jacob pause, though not so much in
surprise. "The door's open," he called. Sometimes one of the
students would stop by, willingly, to share something in
particular that couldn't wait for a session. Sometimes they were
kids that didn't even have regular recurring sessions. However,
what did surprise him was which student had come by this time.
"Dr. Spenser?" came Yukito's voice, layered with his usual
uncertainty and low-level anxiety it usually got around him and
the other faculty. He'd noticed that very early on, though,
again, it wasn't something he hadn't seen before. If a child or
teenager felt uncomfortable around adults, it showed. And with
all things considered, including Yukito's living environment, it
didn't surprise him that he found himself intimidated by adults.
After all, the one he lived with was exceptionally overbearing.
"What can I do for you, Yukito?" He typed in a code on his
computer as he replied to Yukito, closing out the filing program
for now.
"I...I wanted to talk to you yesterday, but things were a bit
crazy..." he said, still standing in the doorway, fidgeting a
little. "Sorry."
"Oh, I understand. There wasn't any way you could have avoided
that incident, unless you decided to hike up a dozen flights of
stairs on a regular basis." Which, all things considered, is
probably what he did today, Jacob thought to himself.
"It's about the nightmares... Um..is now not a good time?
Because I can come back later?"
JAcob closed the lid of his computer. "No, no, you're welcome to
come in now." He clearly was worried about sharing. Jacob knew
if he didn't get it out now, he'd probably never get it out
again. And that would be very unhealthy. Gesturing to one of the
overstuffed chairs, Jacob moved from behind his desk and sat
down across from him. "I'll be glad to listen. What about the
nightmares?"
#Post#: 680--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dr. Spenser's Office
By: Mascii Date: June 4, 2013, 10:51 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Yukito Ramsey
"The door's open," came Dr. Spenser's voice. He didn't say
anything about it being busy or to wait, so Yukito placed his
hand on the doorknob.
"Dr. Spenser?" he breathed as he opened the door slowly. He
found the man at his desk and still typing, looking quite
preoccupied. Entering Dr. Spenser's office felt more like
walking into someone's house more than anything, and Yukito was
never sure how he felt about that. It was certainly more
comfortable and certainly more interesting than Hal's office,
but it still felt like he was intruding somehow. Like it was a
place he was only passing through, where he didn't belong.
"What can I do for you, Yukito?"
"I...I wanted to talk to you yesterday, but things were a bit
crazy..." he said, still standing in the doorway, still toying
with the necklace in his hands. He pressed the handle of the key
between his thumb and index finger, holding it and then
releasing so as to leave a slight, pink impression on his
fingertips. "Sorry."
"Oh, I understand. There wasn't any way you could have avoided
that incident, unless you decided to hike up a dozen flights of
stairs on a regular basis."
He tried to give a little smile at that, but his mouth gave firm
protest, and he only managed to look more uncomfortable as Dr.
Spenser hit too close to home. It sort of irritated him, how
much Dr. Spenser could manage from just a few scraps of
information. He knew his own file in the man's computer was
quite extensive on itself, and he hadn't told a quarter of what
he could tell.
"It's about the nightmares... Um..is now not a good time?
Because I can come back later?"
Dr. Spenser closed the lid of his computer, the gesture telling
Yukito that he would have his full attention. It was something
he couldn't remember Hal doing. Had he? Did Hal ever shut his
computer down to give Yukito his full attention? Whether he did
or not, Yukito felt the same kind of piercing through his body
when either of them looked at him. The look of someone who wants
to understand you more than you want them to understand. "No,
no, you're welcome to come in now."
Yukito nodded, a little too deeply, a little too much like the
bows he tried to do at home, and muttered a "Thanks", as he sat
down. Dr. Spenser sat down across from him, removing the barrier
of the desk between them. Usually, Yukito would try to force his
posture into something more at ease, slouching and stretching
his legs, trying to fake himself into thinking he wasn't as
uncomfortable as he truly was. But today he remained sitting up
erect, his hands holding onto his knees, palms starting to sweat
already. "I'll be glad to listen. What about the nightmares?"
"Ummm...well. I had another episode the other day..but..it was
different this time, somehow." There was no way he was going to
let it slip to Dr. Spenser that he had snuck out with his
daughter to go swimming in the middle of the night. He couldn't
imagine a universe where saying that would be okay. Yukito
shifted in his seat, setting his jaw as he glanced down at his
hands, then back up at Dr. Spenser. "It's hard to explain, but
it was different. I was awake, this time, from the start. I
still lost control, and I still lashed out.." His brow furrowed.
He couldn't put into words how disappointed he'd been to slip
like that in front of Erin. "But this time, I understood
something.." He bit his lip. It had taken weeks for Dr. Spenser
to get him to explain the details of the 'nightmare' that Yukito
had experienced most nights since before he could remember. He
really hadn't wanted to tell him, afraid that his suspicions
were true. The closer he got to the shadow of a man in his
dream, the more he looked like Yukito himself. There had been a
time when he thought the man in the dream was himself, merely a
reflection of his own self-hatred, and he was sure that that was
what Dr. Spenser would see in him. A duality that continued a
horrific cycle of loathing and negativity. But now he knew a bit
better. He clutched his knees tighter, looking up into Dr.
Spenser's face. "It was a memory, Dr. Spenser. It was a memory
of a man I used to know, before I came to live with Hal. Before
the surgery..."
Though it should have been a simple thing to say, it left Yukito
feeling much more breathless than coming up all those flights of
stairs had been. When he'd said it to Erin, she hadn't seemed
surprised at first, so he knew he had to clarify. "I
was....when...."
He swallowed, his jaw tightening. Stupid. You can't even say it
out loud? How pathetic. You came all this way, you're taking up
his time, and you can't even put it plainly. The inner voice
berated him mercilessly as he stared at the floor, holding his
breath until he was ready. "I was... attacked." He could look up
at Dr. Spenser, feeling a burn of shame across his face. Coming
here was stupid. What if he asked details? Yukito wouldn't be
able to give them. What if he didn't believe him? Yukito wasn't
even sure himself, right? It could have been a mistake.
But somehow, he knew it wasn't. He knew it wasn't because his
chest had never hurt this badly before, as when he said it
aloud. It made too much sense not to be true, even his logical
side had to argue there. Yukito sniffed roughly, looking down at
his hands for a moment.
#Post#: 683--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dr. Spenser's Office
By: GGJ5 Date: June 5, 2013, 10:15 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Jacob Spenser
"I'll be glad to listen," Jacob said as Yukito sat down
nervously across from him. He was clearly much more serious
about what he had to say than anything Jacob tried to pull from
him. Of course, this was the boy's first time taking initiative,
and that probably made all the difference. "What about the
nightmares?"
He had his own theories about these nightmares. But sharing
these with Yukito would plant seeds in his mind, and if Jacob's
theories were wrong, then Yukito would have an even more time
coming to terms with the nightmares. So he'd kept most of his
opinions on the matter out of it, and focused the majority of
the subject on helping Yukito to cope with the dreams in the
first place. And now, he waited.
"Ummm...well. I had another episode the other day..but..it was
different this time, somehow." Yukito shifted in his seat,
clearly uncomfortable. He looked down, then up again, hands
anxious to stay busy. It wasn't his usual behavior at all. "It's
hard to explain, but it was different. I was awake, this time,
from the start. I still lost control, and I still lashed out.."
Jacob gave a little nod, to let him know he was listening, but
Yukito continued anyway, after a moment. He seemed to be buried
in his own thoughts. Thankfully, he verbalized them. "But this
time, I understood something.."
"What was it that you understood, Yukito?" Jacob asked after a
moment passed. He was sure they were so, so close to a
breakthrough for the boy, but Yukito had to come to terms with
it himself. He couldn't spoonfeed him the solutions to his
problems, as much as he wished he could. So much of his own
healing relied on Yukito himself.
"It was a memory, Dr. Spenser. It was a memory of a man I used
to know, before I came to live with Hal. Before the surgery..."
Jacob nodded again, wanting to encourage him to continue, but
not wanting to break what he felt was a very delicate train of
thought.
Yukito continued, voice leaden in hesitation. "I
was....when...." There was an internal struggling, Jacob noted.
That much, however internal, was evident. Yukito's expression
was pained, and it was as though his own body didn't want him to
get the words out. But still, after a time, he managed. He
managed. "I was... attacked."
The words were as leaden as Yukito's voice, falling from his
mouth like iron weights hitting the floor. The words landed at
Jacob's feet with a thud, waiting to be acknowledged. He had to
acknowledge very, very carefully. The moment had never been so
timely, so delicate as a spider's web before. "Thank you for
sharing that," came his quiet, genuine response. His voice still
soft, not wanting to disturb the leaden words of Yukito's
admission, "Can you explain that to me?"
#Post#: 684--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dr. Spenser's Office
By: Mascii Date: June 6, 2013, 1:39 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Yukito Ramsey
"Ummm...well. I had another episode the other day..but..it was
different this time, somehow. It's hard to explain, but it was
different. I was awake, this time, from the start. I still lost
control, and I still lashed out.." He glanced up and saw Dr.
Spenser giving him a nod, encouraging him to continue. Yukito
looked around, fidgeting nervously in a way he had only seen
Erin do at times. "But this time, I understood something.."
He faltered for a moment, trying to set his jaw and force
himself onward. "What was it that you understood, Yukito?" Dr.
Spenser asked, gently prodding him. Yukito knew that he was just
trying to be helpful, but it only made him more nervous,
reminding him who it was that he was confessing to.
"It was a memory, Dr. Spenser. It was a memory of a man I used
to know, before I came to live with Hal. Before the surgery..."
"I was....when...." A critical moment passed. He stared down,
his heart thumping in his chest and begging him to escape. The
fight or flight syndrome, some people called it. You could get
out now. You could just run and tell him not to worry about it.
But the logical part of his brain fought back, knowing that he
had already said too much to back out now. He had no choice but
to move forward. His throat was dry, and he felt ashamed to
admit it aloud to anybody. He hated himself for discovering it,
for having this secret that he was forced to share. He hated the
man who had done it to him.
"I was... attacked." The words were so simple, but they meant so
much to Yukito. His voice was heavy and his face burned with
that same shame, waiting for the judgment from Dr. Spenser,
waiting for him to question him further. He could brush it off
as Yukito being dramatic, as him trying to seek attention, for
him trying to top the others in his horrible back-story. And
Yukito would be unable to prove a thing. He felt his eyes begin
to sting and burn, and his throat became one thick, dry lump of
pain. He closed his eyes, waiting for Dr. Spenser's reply.
"Thank you for sharing that," came the answer at last. Yukito
could hear the caution in Dr. Spenser's voice, but it wasn't an
accusatory reply by any means. Yukito's clenched fist relaxed at
his side, the now-limp hand lying there half-open as though he
was holding some perfect, invisible cure.
"Can you explain that to me?"
Yukito's eyes closed again, and he sniffed, rubbing at his cheek
to cover up the fact that he was wiping away tears. He didn't
want to cry. He refused to cry. But his chest was hurting so
much, he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold back. "Just
like always, I...I was lying in my bed. It was..like a futon on
the floor, just beneath the window. I'm lying there, watching
the light beneath my door, when he comes in. He was talking
really quietly to me, and he shut the door after he came in,
and...he...said not to tell kaa-..my mother...and..." Yukito
felt his voice tearing violently at his throat with each
syllable that passed through his lips, and he kept having to
swallow and pause. His eyes remained shut, his expression pained
and twitching with emotion as he continued to wall up against
the tears. His hand came to rest on his own stomach, delicately
hovering until it brushed against the fabric of his brown tank
top. "He...he pinned me down. I couldn't move." At some point,
Yukito had begun to rock back and forth on the couch. Forward.
Back. Forward. Back. He paused, wiping furiously at his face to
rid it of the salty liquid that had managed to escape, sniffling
again. For the moment, he was back to being that little boy. "He
didn't stay for long. I..."
“Just wanted to say I missed you while I was gone...
Shhh...You're cuter when you're crying. I always make you
cry...”
The tears started to fall, then. There was no stopping them.
Yukito's entire body racked violently with painful sobs, and he
leaned forward and buried his face in his hands, breaking down
entirely. What had he done to end up in that situation? Who had
been the man, who had held such a power over him without
demanding a single word? Why had he not screamed, fought, tried
to get away? Why hadn't he said anything to anyone?
What had he done to deserve it?
#Post#: 687--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dr. Spenser's Office
By: GGJ5 Date: June 6, 2013, 7:19 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Jacob Spenser
"Thank you for sharing that," Jacob replied gingerly, keeping an
eye on Yukito. He was very fragile there, in front of him,
letting himself be vulnerable for his own sake. It probably
wasn't illogical to believe this was one of the toughest things
Yukito had had to make himself do in quite a long time.
Gently, Jacob pressed, "Can you explain that to me?"
For a moment, Yukito seemed to be on a mental edge. Shifting and
sniffing as though trying his best to avoid the emotions he
felt, he avoided answering for just a moment. Then, slowly, he
started. The scene he described was a familiar one, but this
time, the details were more clear, somehow. Or Yukito was simply
communicating clearer. Or both. Whichever it was, Jacob was
grateful for the change. He listened carefully. "Just like
always, I...I was lying in my bed. It was..like a futon on the
floor, just beneath the window. I'm lying there, watching the
light beneath my door, when he comes in. He was talking really
quietly to me, and he shut the door after he came in,
and...he...said not to tell kaa-..my mother...and..." His eyes
were shut tight, like he was visualizing the images he
described. Jacob prepared himself to see Yukito through one of
his 'episodes.' The dream was the primary trigger, after all.
Yukito continued, no warning signs as of yet. Just,
unfortunately, fear. He was moving, clearly unsettled, clearly
scared, but interrupting now would be much worse. Yukito had to
walk through this, as much as he wished he didn't have to. He
described the images more, and with one hand, he gesture
hesitantly towards himself, hovering his outstretched palm close
to his stomach. "He...he pinned me down. I couldn't move." He
paused, furiously trying to eradicate the tears that he'd been
taught were a sign of weakness and not of humanity. "He didn't
stay for long. I..."
And then he couldn't hold back any more. The dam of stoicism
he'd attempted to build and hold caved, and the flood of pain
and memories exploded. The explosion sent Yukito into racking
cries as the boy tried to bury himself in his hands, seeming to
shrink into himself where he sat.
Quietly, Jacob got up from his chair and walked to the other
side of the room for a moment. He pulled out one of the bottles
of water from the mini fridge in the corner and walked, softly,
back to Yukito. "Here's some water," he said patiently, setting
it down within Yukito's reach. Then, he returned to his chair
and thought, letting Yukito come to terms with what he'd just
revealed to himself, and to Jacob.
After a moment, he said, still keeping his voice at that same
quiet, delicate level, "Yukito, it sounds very much to me like
you were sexually assaulted. And I'm so, so sorry." He paused.
"Please listen... you did not do anything to deserve or earn
that kind of treatment. You are not the guilty party, despite
whatever your feelings tell you. Feelings are fickle; facts are
trustworthy, and facts claim you as innocent. Do you understand
that?"
"Yukito... there are some good things we can get from this,
though. All right? You can recover from it. Many statistics say
that as many as one out of thirty men have been hurt in similar
ways, so you are not alone. We can talk about ways you can
recover from this, Yukito, if you'd like... or we can wait, if
you've had enough for today. There isn't a rush."
#Post#: 694--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dr. Spenser's Office
By: Mascii Date: June 10, 2013, 2:56 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Yukito Ramsey
He knew better than to break down in front of someone. He knew
that once he started, it would probably be too difficult to
stop. He knew that it was a breakdown of the protective wall he
had set up around his heart and mind, that had been there for
years. He knew that there was a limit to how much people would
care. Yukito knew this, but he couldn't stop the sobs that made
his body ache. Just thinking of the naive, vulnerable child he
had been at that time made him want to scream and cry. Bent
over, his face covered by both hands, he cried as hard as he
could, trying to wash away the heavy weight of the wordless
thoughts trapped in his head even now.
He heard Jacob getting up, and for one paranoid moment his whole
body went on alert, afraid that Jacob would come over to lay a
-he would think - comforting hand on his shoulder, setting off
another trigger. Yukito's wings gave an audible creak of
warning, but luckily, Dr. Spenser was only going to get him a
bottle of water. Yukito saw him set it on the table in front of
him through the gap in his fingertips, the man careful to keep
his distance. Once he realized that Dr. Spenser wasn't going to
attempt to comfort him physically, he felt a trace of guilt and
longing simultaneously - wishing he hadn't had to shut himself
off so completely, and wishing someone could embrace him in a
comforting way. At this point, he was a time-bomb, a nuisance, a
dilemma to be examined and dealt with. Because of what one man
had done to him when he was a boy, he could never have a normal
relationship, he would always have this one fact hovering over
him, like a fungus that just grew in potency and importance the
more he tried to neglect it.
"Yukito, it sounds very much to me like you were sexually
assaulted. And I'm so, so sorry." Yukito felt his whole body
tremble at the definitive words. His knees were shaking, and so
were his hands, but he couldn't make them stop. "Please
listen... you did not do anything to deserve or earn that kind
of treatment. You are not the guilty party, despite whatever
your feelings tell you. Feelings are fickle; facts are
trustworthy, and facts claim you as innocent. Do you understand
that?"
He let out a scoff, rubbing his eyes, "And what 'facts' are
those? I don't remember who I was then. I could have done
anything. Provoked him, maybe."
'You're cuter when you cry..."
Yukito nearly jumped when he heard Dr. Spenser speak again,
pulled from his mental train of thought. "Yukito... there are
some good things we can get from this, though. All right? You
can recover from it. Many statistics say that as many as one out
of thirty men have been hurt in similar ways, so you are not
alone. We can talk about ways you can recover from this, Yukito,
if you'd like... or we can wait, if you've had enough for today.
There isn't a rush."
On this, Yukito pondered for a long time, silence hitting them
so hard he could have sworn he heard a clock ticking away
somewhere. It reminded him that he was taking up more and more
of Dr. Spenser's time, and that combined with the fear he felt
made him want to run out of the door now. Anywhere would be
fine, as long as he could breathe and sit silently, away from
anyone. But there was no telling if he would ever have the
strength to face Dr. Spenser again after this, much less on this
topic. Maybe he would tell Hal, and Hal would pull him away from
Dr. Spenser.
"Are there--..Could I really 'recover'?" He frowned,
disbelieving. It wasn't like he was trying to fend off a silly
dream. Not anymore. And it wasn't as if those methods had been
working, anyways. Yukito started to move, to pull his knees up
on the couch and curl up in a defensive posture again, but he
refused to allow himself. He felt awkward and exposed, so he
stared at the bright red of the couch he was sitting on . A
thought struck him quite suddenly, then, and he looked up at Dr.
Spenser, unable to mask the glimmer of hope in his eyes.
"W-would I be able to...? Well...it's like..." he gestured
hopelessly, unable to find any words in the language he wanted.
"That's the reason, right? That I can't hug anyone or get close
to them, and why I can't even go swimming with my friends or
sleep over at their house. That's why I get the attacks, and why
I'm so afraid. Would that...could that be fixed?" His tone rose
at the end, unsure if he would believe the answer, even if he
got the one he desperately wished for.
"And...I suppose you have to tell Hal.." he said, sounded
defeated by the realization. There was no telling how his father
would react to such news. He had been good the last few days,
not letting it slip to his father that anything had changed when
to Yukito's eyes...everything had changed. There was the
horrible, disgusting realization of what had happened in the
past, but there was also a delirium associated with the fact
that this was something he could hopefully, one day, understand.
And perhaps even cope with. There was a reason, a real reason,
not just a theory or a faulty wiring in his brain. It was a
relief, and it was a nightmare. Having Hal know about it just
seemed to complicate those matters.
#Post#: 710--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dr. Spenser's Office
By: GGJ5 Date: June 12, 2013, 8:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Jacob Spenser
"Please listen... you did not do anything to deserve or earn
that kind of treatment. You are not the guilty party, despite
whatever your feelings tell you. Feelings are fickle; facts are
trustworthy, and facts claim you as innocent. Do you understand
that?"
He let out a scoff, rubbing his eyes. "And what 'facts' are
those? I don't remember who I was then. I could have done
anything. Provoked him, maybe."
Jacob shook his head. "Think about it this way: if you treated
me poorly, and I decided to retaliate by breaking into your home
and stealing your most important valuables, wouldn't I still be
punishable for my actions? Even if you'd 'provoked' this person,
that does not entitle another human being to wrong you this way.
No matter what you can or can't remember, nothing you could do
could earn that treatment. And I am sure you don't believe me
right now, but it's a truth that we can work on believing over
time."
He let the silence hover over them for a few minutes, then
started again, as gently as he could, "Yukito... there are some
good things we can get from this, though. All right? You can
recover from it. Many statistics say that as many as one out of
thirty men have been hurt in similar ways, so you are not alone.
We can talk about ways you can recover from this, Yukito, if
you'd like... or we can wait, if you've had enough for today.
There isn't a rush."
For a while, Yukito was silent. Thinking. It hadn't taken Dr.
Spenser long to learn that when Yukito was silent this way, it
was because he was very carefully considering things. And so, he
waited patiently through the silence. Then, after enough time
had passed for him to ponder it, Yukito spoke what was on his
mind. "Are there--..Could I really 'recover'?"
"Most definitely. Now, that doesn't mean it will be quick, or
easy, but it is most definitely possible for you, if we work for
it." He didn't want Yukito to get the idea that there was some
type of instant cure, a little pill he could take to somehow
erase the fears, the memories, and the reactions associated with
it. This was just one stepping stone; they had such a long road
to go down. And he would always remember, now. That was
something Jacob couldn't fix, no matter how much he wished he
could. No one should have to live with such memories.
"W-would I be able to...? Well...it's like..." Yukito fumbled
over his words as JAcob waited for him to find what he was
looking for. "That's the reason, right? That I can't hug anyone
or get close to them, and why I can't even go swimming with my
friends or sleep over at their house. That's why I get the
attacks, and why I'm so afraid. Would that...could that be
fixed?"
It might have been the only time Jacob had heard that note in
Yukito's voice; that tone of desperate hope. He needed it to
happen. Jacob gave a little nod. "Yes, I think that's why you
have those struggles... and while I wish we could erase the
memory for you, we can work with the coping of it, since we know
its source now. I'll do whatever I can to help you do those
things you listed, the things you want to do so badly. Because
they're things you really should get to experience, and I want
those things for you, too. It'll take time, though... " That was
the news he didn't like to deliver. Medicine didn't work so well
for things like abuse. There was no magical pill for it, and
there probably never would be. It was the tragic flaw of the
human mind.
"And...I suppose you have to tell Hal.." Yukito said, voice now
heavy. It sounded... regretful.
"Nope," Jacob answered quickly, tersely. "I practice strict
patient confidentiality. I am under no legal obligation to
volunteer anything we've discussed." He paused, having to
deliver a small, but ugly truth. "However.... since Dr. Ramsey
is your guardian, I would be obligated to give him any
information that he asked for regarding your sessions...." He
lowered his voice a bit. "Let's not prompt him to ask, all
right?"
Jacob was quiet for a moment then, debating internally whether
to ask his next question or not. It was something that he'd
suspected, gleaning from how Hal ran his medical affairs, and
even just business meetings in general.... and how Yukito
acted-- Jacob suspected it wasn't all completely tied to the
boy's mysterious past. But if he didn't ask, Jacob wasn't sure
he'd ever know.... "Yukito... do you feel safe? In your home, do
you feel like you are in a safe place?"
#Post#: 715--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dr. Spenser's Office
By: Mascii Date: June 15, 2013, 5:08 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Yukito Ramsey
He let out a scoff, rubbing his eyes. "And what 'facts' are
those? I don't remember who I was then. I could have done
anything. Provoked him, maybe." The crying had made his tongue
loose, and he presented Dr. Spenser with the idea that had been
nagging him for weeks now. It had brought him to a place where
he felt like he couldn't go out with his friends anymore in
public. The wondering between his own guilt and innocence had
made it difficult for him to hold a conversation without feeling
judged at every little thing.
"Think about it this way: if you treated me poorly, and I
decided to retaliate by breaking into your home and stealing
your most important valuables, wouldn't I still be punishable
for my actions? Even if you'd 'provoked' this person, that does
not entitle another human being to wrong you this way. No matter
what you can or can't remember, nothing you could do could earn
that treatment. And I am sure you don't believe me right now,
but it's a truth that we can work on believing over time."
Yukito paused at that, truly trying to consider it. Dr.
Spenser's last comment rested wrong in his gut - he didn't like
the overly-sensitive feeling he got when Dr. Spenser tried to
deflect sometimes. But the root of it was, he had a point.
Yukito kept repeating the man's earlier words in his head, until
they became a sort of mantra or prayer. Feelings are fickle;
facts are trustworthy, and facts claim you as innocent.
The silence waded in again, until Dr. Spenser decided to break
it gently, as if trying to soothe an injured animal out of its
cage, "Yukito... there are some good things we can get from
this, though. All right? You can recover from it. Many
statistics say that as many as one out of thirty men have been
hurt in similar ways, so you are not alone. We can talk about
ways you can recover from this, Yukito, if you'd like... or we
can wait, if you've had enough for today. There isn't a rush."
He considered his options for a long moment, grateful that Dr.
Spenser waited for him. He was about an inch away from taking
him up on the offer to wait and put it off, but he couldn't
guarantee that he would see the doctor ever again after today.
By his own power or someone else's. At long last, he managed,
"Are there--..Could I really 'recover'?"
"Most definitely. Now, that doesn't mean it will be quick, or
easy, but it is most definitely possible for you, if we work for
it." He was sure Dr. Spenser had no idea what those words meant
to him. Most definitely. Definitely possible for you. He wanted
to cry all over again, from sheer relief at even the single word
'definitely'. It had never seemed like an important or remotely
beautiful word to him before, but now he could appreciate it. A
smile snuck its way across his lips, then, something he was
surprised at. He couldn't stop the smile, it just forced its way
onto his face and was determined to stay there, for as long as
he insisted on staying his tears. He raised his hand to his
mouth, covering it for a long moment as he tried to rein in his
emotions once again. After awhile, he managed to return to
normal, though the sparkle of hope still gleamed in his eyes.
"W-would I be able to...? Well...it's like..." Yukito clumsily
managed his way through his thoughts, his words speeding up and
starting to run together in barely subdued excitement. "That's
the reason, right? That I can't hug anyone or get close to them,
and why I can't even go swimming with my friends or sleep over
at their house. That's why I get the attacks, and why I'm so
afraid. Would that...could that be fixed?"
Dr. Spenser gave a little nod. "Yes, I think that's why you have
those struggles... and while I wish we could erase the memory
for you, we can work with the coping of it, since we know its
source now. I'll do whatever I can to help you do those things
you listed, the things you want to do so badly. Because they're
things you really should get to experience, and I want those
things for you, too. It'll take time, though... "
He nodded, that smile trying to steal its way back. "I
understand," he murmured, and he meant it. He knew well by now
that no road would be an easy one for him. Everything he wanted
to acquire had to be fought for, either silently or with
screams. But Yukito wanted to fight for this. In his mind's eye,
he imagined a day he could fully join his friends, to truly be
with them in a way they would understand... But what about his
father? Would the day ever come that he could accept, or even
give, and embrace with his father? What would Hal have to say
about today's discussion? "And...I suppose you have to tell
Hal.." Yukito said, voice now heavy. He knew that therapists
weren't supposed to blab about their sessions to other people,
but he assumed that the all-powerful Dr. Ramsey had exercised
his influence in every area of Yukito's life. When it came to
Yukito, he liked nothing kept secret, except their own feelings.
"Nope," came the quick, insistent reply, almost as though he
heard Yukito's thoughts and had been personally insulted. "I
practice strict patient confidentiality. I am under no legal
obligation to volunteer anything we've discussed." Yukito
couldn't hide his slight surprise at this, nor his relief.
"However.... since Dr. Ramsey is your guardian, I would be
obligated to give him any information that he asked for
regarding your sessions...." Yukito looked up to meet Dr.
Spenser's eyes for a moment. There it was - the loophole that
Hal would find. A little fear gripped his chest, then. How would
he explain it to Hal, if he found out? Would he ask directly
about it, or would it just hide under the surface, along with
everything else? Would he think, or treat Yukito differently
once he knew? What if he already knew? Yukito gave a nod of
understanding, accepting his fate, whatever it should turn out
to be. Dr. Spenser lowered his voice a bit. "Let's not prompt
him to ask, all right?"
A pause, then. If it hadn't been for the newspaper article,
Yukito would have thought it impossible to hide anything from
Hal utterly, but now...now there was at least a chance of
putting it off, if nothing else. He gave another nod.
"Yukito... do you feel safe? In your home, do you feel like you
are in a safe place?"
The question would have seemed so out-of-place, but Yukito
understood its implications from their previous topic. He
shifted in his seat, his fingers tracing a word on the fabric of
the couch with a smooth movement. It was a character, from his
other, banned language. He didn't remember where he'd learned
it, but he knew what it meant. Death. For almost a full minute,
his attention was almost wholly focused on recreating it on Dr.
Spenser's couch. Death followed him everywhere in his past,
wherever he looked. The death of the woman Hal claimed was
Yukito's mother, and his own sister. The death of his real
mother, which he had discovered. The death of his innocence,
which Erin had unknowingly prompted him to bring to the surface.
The death of his memories, which he wished more than anything to
retrieve. The smell of death, which sometimes followed Hal home,
which Yukito was sure was only something he could sense.
He wasn't sure what to tell Dr. Spenser. Did he feel he was in a
safe place?
"Hal wouldn't hurt me," he said at long last, each word slowed
and careful. His mind's eye flashed back to the latest
'episode', where Hal had shoved Yukito into the wall, bruising
his back. He couldn't help replaying the moment, not of impact,
but of the aftermath, when Hal had apologized, promptly helping
Yukito to cover up the injury.
"No, it's not okay. I hurt you, son. And that is simply
unacceptable. It will not happen again."
Yukito retraced the character, over and over and over again, his
lips pressing tightly together.
"He just gets over-protective sometimes." There was more he
wanted to say, more things he wanted advice on from Dr. Spenser,
but he wasn't even sure how to word what it was he sensed from
Hal yet. He worried that bringing a friend home, as he had
brought Erin home, would prompt more than the verbal abuse he
had flung at her. He worried that one day, it would come to
something physical, and he would be powerless to stay his
father's temper. It wouldn't be directed at Yukito, of course.
But he would have to stand by and watch it anyways, and that was
even worse.
He inhaled sharply, standing up and readjusting his jacket.
Yukito felt weak from crying, but he had to go home at some
point. "I should go," he said, wiping at his face again and
hoping his previous tears didn't still show too badly. "Thank
you for seeing me, Dr. Spenser."
You gave me a hope today that I've been wishing for, for years.
I don't know if you could tell, but..that's the truth.
"I'll keep doing the journal questions, like you asked," he
said, his voice dropping back into its normal, controlled tone
whenever he was around the doctor. For a moment, he stood there
awkwardly, then gave a little parting nod and went to the door.
He was halfway through the doorway when he stopped, and turned
back to Dr. Spenser, before adding, Dr. Spenser, I know it
doesn't make much sense, but..." He started to nod, a slow smile
coming across his face as he met the doctor's eyes. "I'm glad
that I remembered." I know it's probably not possible, but I
wish I could remember everything. Deciding he had taken up
enough of the man's time, he closed the door behind him, letting
out a sigh of relief. He had done it. He'd done something today
that he didn't think himself capable of. It wasn't everything he
could have hoped for, but it was something.
The part that hurt most was that he couldn't even tell anybody.
But that had to be okay for now. There was always tomorrow to
look forward to.
Yukito is done here.
*****************************************************