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#Post#: 462--------------------------------------------------
Dr. Spenser/Yukito - The Invisible Wall
By: Mascii Date: May 6, 2013, 1:05 am
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GG: “Yukito?" Dr. Spenser poked his head around the corner of
his office door. "You can come in now. You didn't have to wait,
actually."
M: Yukito merely gave a curt little nod, slipping quietly into
Dr. Spenser's office and closing the door after himself.
GG: Jacob sat down in a simplified plush chair, gesturing to an
identical one for Yukito to use. "I know you're not looking
forward to talking with me, but I want you to know that I have
your best interest in mind. I want to talk with you so that we
can work together to help you be as healthy as possible, inside
and out."
M: "Yeah," he said, trying to give a little smile as his sat
down. Yukito attempted to make himself feel more comfortable,
but only managed to feel ill at ease in the office.
GG: Jacob echoed the smile, opening a program on his tablet
that held Yukito's files."So, let's hear from you first... how
do you feel you've been doing? Things like sleeping patterns,
friendships, eating habits, academics... .anything else you'd
like to add."
M: He shifted a bit nervously, looking down at his shoes.
"Pretty much the same as before, actually..." He let out a weary
sigh, quietly adding, "The nightmares haven't stopped.."
GG: "No changes? You seem to be making friendships from what I
see on campus. but you don't feel it's changed. Is that right?"
He tapped some notes onto his tablet. "I don't think the dreams
will stop until we can find its significance, Yukito. It's
buried in your memories, I'm sure, and we can work on that, but
I'm sorry to say it could take a very, very long while. Do you
remember what we suggested you do when you wake up from one of
those dreams?"
M:Yukito just shrugged, his lips working, but nothing coming out
as he started to draw shapes on the fabric of the chair's arm.
GG: "Yukito. Words, please. Do you remember those? We can review
them if you need to."
M: Yukito made a face at Jacob's words. They sounded like an
adult speaking to a child. 'Okay, so I lost my childhood years.
My brain is too stupid to remember them. But that doesn't mean
I'm still a CHILD.'
"I don't remember."
He poked again at the chair's fabric. "Nothing helps, anyways.
I'm still not myself when I wake up."
GG: "We can't stop them yet. The best for now is to learn to
recover from them."
M: Yukito merely gave a nod, trying to swallow down the lump
that was forming in his throat.
GG: "Do you want to talk about coping with them, or something
else?"
M: Yukito could only shrug.
GG: Keeping his urge to sigh under good check, Jacob mimicked
Yukito's disinterested posture. Yukito didn't want to be
interested or interesting."Words are all right to use here. No
one else will hear what you have to say."
M: Yukito stared more intently at his hand, drawing the same
figure over and over again on the armchair, silent for almost a
full minute before speaking. "It bothers me. That I can't
control my own mind or body. It's like someone else just takes
over, and I forget myself completely."
GG: "During the dreams, and afterwards?" He paused, waiting for
an answer. "Any other times?"
M: "Mostly afterwards, I think. There's this...this - moment -
....where I can't remember where I'm at. I'll...I'll push people
and scream things...I hate for people I care about to see those
kinds of things..."
GG: "Have you been able to talk to a person who witnessed an
episode about them?"
M: "Well, it's just Hal who sees them, mostly. And he doesn't
like to talk about them. He seems angry whenever I try to speak
with him." Yukito frowned, now digging his fingernail into the
chair, then moving his hands away and towards his lap, trying to
keep them still. "I HAVE been trying," he emphasized, the tone
of his voice defensive.
GG: Jacob's eyes focused on his tablet for several seconds,
though his fingers typed at a much slower pace. Then, at
Yukito's defensive words, he looked up. "Oh, I know. You just
made me think... it's odd that he should be angered by your
episodes. Maybe he could benefit from some sessions of his own?"
He offered a smile, an attempt of humor to clear the air.
M: Yukito let out a scoff, then, almost a chuckle. "As if he
would. He hates being examined even more than I do."
GG: "And yet, he examines you in front of many strangers on a
regular basis. Do you notice any corrolation between the dreams
and the demonstrations?"
M: "No. They've come whether or not we have demonstrations. One
time, it happened when I hadn't been taken to a demonstration
for a month. Although..."
Yukito paused, foregoing the stiff posture and drawing his
knees up to his chest, ignoring the fact that he probably
shouldn't have his shoes on the furniture.
GG: "Although?"
M: "It's always when I'm really tired, I guess? Like..if I'm
super sleepy. And I notice I never wake up alone. There's always
someone there. Usually it's Hal, but once or twice it's been
Reese." Yukito hugged his knees a litle tighter, his voice
dropping, 'So I don't stay at his place any more."
GG: Jacob nodded. "It's actually very normal for the worst
nightmares to come when you're very tired." He paused, typing a
quote from Yukito. "It's telling that someone is always there. I
think that's probably the key to your dreams, actually... It's
likely the trigger, the presence of another. How did Reese
respond?"
M: Yukito shrugged at that, "How Reese always responds, I guess.
He tries to be supportive, if he can, and wants me to talk about
it. But I didn't want to talk to him about it. We avoid the
subject now, and it's dropped. I don't even know if Reese
remembers it. I kind of hope he doesn't."
GG: "Why didn't you want to talk it out with Reese?"
M: It took Yukito a long time to respond to this, as well. He
shifted multiple times in his seat, pondering the right words
for it. "I think he'll get angry about it, too."
GG: "The way Hal does?"
M: He responded with only another nod.
GG: For a few moments, Jacob was very quiet. Then, he asked
quietly, "Can you describe to me the way Hal reacts when you
have an episode?"
M: Yukito stuck his tongue into his cheek, biting down on it a
little. Perhaps he shouldn't have mentioned Hal's reaction. It
seemed like too complicated, too difficult a road to go down and
try to explain to someone who hadn't been there. "He acts really
strange. Like...nothing I say is right. If I apologize, he snaps
at me, and says 'it's not for you to fix'. And it makes no
sense, but...the problem is in MY head, right? So it's not like
a broken bone that he can go in and set back in place. And...I
dunno. He seems on edge. Then he starts acting kind of...I
dunno. Nice? Like too nice.."
GG: Jacob gave a little nod, continuing his notes. "That sounds
frightfully accurate to his character. Though I highly doubt
Reese would react the same way... Do you think he really would?"
M: Yukito frowned, now questioning himself. Maybe he'd been too
quick to assume with Reese. But still.. "I still don't think
it's Reese's business."
GG: Another nod. Jacob set the tablet aside for a moment. "All
right." He paused, letting Yukito have a chance to think about
his own words. "Would it be all right with you if I shared my
thoughts now?"
M: Yukito shrugged, as if to say 'I can't stop you'.
GG: "Yukito, it's very important that you're listening to me.
Right now, I can't tell if you are or not." He waited for words.
M: He frowned at that, then mumbled, "I'm listening."
GG: "Thank you. Really." Jacob offered a smile. "Now, I think
firstly that your dream is triggered by the presence of someone
while you are sleeping. It's why someone is alwyas present when
you wake. And I also think it's because at some point, your
sleep was severely disturbed in a way that imprinted your
subconscience, which is why you do not feel like yourself when
you're woken up. Your memories are hiding it, like... a
dissasociation tactic. Only the presence of another triggers it,
and you can't disossicate any more."
"Any questions?"
M: Yukito's frown only deepened. "What do I do?"
He was determined to make his voice sound entirely sincere,
and he finally looked up at Dr. Spenser, instantly regretting it
and looking away again, swallowing hard.
GG: "Well... there are a few things. Firstly, until or unless
your memories decide to divulge that information to you, it will
be a very slow process to stop the dreams altogether."
"However, I want you to keep working with those coping
mechanisms we talked about. And I want to talk about your fears
of Reese's anger...."
M: Yukito shifted in his seat again, tapping the heel of his
tennis shoe against the floor in a rhythm
GG: "Correct me if I am wrong.... but I think you worry about
how many of your friends would react if you shared the hard
parts with them. and that's a very common fear. However, I think
yours is especially acute, tied with the dreams and the things
you can't quite recall. you feel a sense of isolation, of
emptiness...? Maybe even more powerfully around certain people?"
M: Yukito didn't move to answer, continuing to tap his heel on
the ground. He really did try to think back, to press the
question to himself. Was that really true? Or was it something
he saw because of what others said?
"Everyone tells me that," he said at last.
GG: "What do you think about that?"
M: "I don't know if it's true because everyone says it is, or
not." He paused, wrinkling his nose. "Did that make sense?"
GG: "It does...." He paused, then continued. "However, as an
outsider, an observer, I see evidence that it is true, and that
your peers have noticed it."
M: "Is it a fear, though, if it's true? Or is it just a truth no
one else wants to acknowledge?" his snapped a little at that,
and the irritation came through in his voice.
GG: "It is true that you feel isolated and empty at times... I
should have clarified. I believe it's also likely that you
struggle trusting others with your fears... you worry they will
react the way your father does. Or that they may think poorly of
you."
M: "That's what am I saying. What if it's not some psycho fear,
but truth? What if they WILL think poorly of me? What if it's
better that I not go there?"
He sat back, crossing his arms, struggling to calm himself back
down to the lukewarm shield of earlier. It wasn't really
working.
GG: "Fear isn't 'psycho.'"
M: "It is if I find myself hanging out of a second story window,
delusional, and unable to even realize where I am, screaming in
another language at everyone." he pointed out grouchily,
referencing back to the episode that had finally gotten Hal to
consent to these 'sessions' in the first place.
M: "I broke my arm then."
GG: "No. It's not. I've spent several years studying what is and
is not 'psycho', and to be frank, because that's what seems to
click with you, I have to say I know a bit more about what is
'psycho' and what's not. Now, to answer your question... it's
not 'psycho.' A big part of it is anxiety. Anxiety over the
memory your mind is hiding, over the thoughts of others turning
against you, of being alone. It's anxiety coming from many
different factors. And I'd like to work with you to narrow down
those factors. To decrease the anxiety, and hopefully over time,
the nightmares."
M: Reluctantly, he sat back again, his arms still crossed on his
chest. Half-consciously, his right hand gripped his left elbow a
little more tightly, his lips pressed together in a thin line.
GG: "You don't like that idea."
M: "I don't like it, but that doesn't mean I don't need it.
Right?" His voice was clipped, but he was starting to give in a
little more. He knew it would only make things more difficult to
get angry.
GG: "Yukito, it's not a punishment. I want to see you free from
those fears, just like you do. It's my goal to see you set free
from them. But yes, that does mean having to do hard things. I'm
sorry. I wish it was easy to peel away fears, but they latch on
like leeches, and removal usually hurts. But it's better than
letting the fears leach your life away."
M: Yukito sat there for a moment, his expression softening.
'Letting the fears leach your life away'. It was kind of a nice
phrase. Maybe a little musical. After a moment, he mentally
shook himself, glancing up into Dr. Spenser's face. He saw
honesty there, he sometimes even believed that Dr. Spenser
really was on HIS side, and not just a paid analyzer. He let out
a little "Mm," sound in agreement, looking down again.
GG: "I'm going to assume that's agreement, but tell me if I'm
wrong.... I have some suggestions for you to work on getting rid
of the fears related to your friends. And I know you won't like
them.... but I really want you to try. It will be tough, but in
the long run, I really believe you will feel much more at rest."
M: Yukito let out a wearied sigh. "...Fine. I'll try."
"What do I have to do? Like, a journal entry, or a little 'Hi,
my name is Yukito, I'm a weirdo' or something?" his sarcastic
tone was unmistakeable, although there was an air of serious
concern underneath.
GG: Again, he nodded. "All right. Firstly, I am going to ask
that you keep a worry journal. And by that I mean, keep in one
place a spot where you can write down your fears." He skipped a
beat. "And calling yourself names doesn't help. You are at a
place where /everyone/ is a bit weird."
M: "It's not the same, though."
GG: "Of course not. But critisizing yourself for your
differences won't help anything."
M: He remained silent at that.
GG: "Secondly, you'll need to look at your worries after a week
or two and decide which are solvable and which are unsolvable.
M: Yukito worked his lips, disbelieving that there was anything
he could label as 'solvable' of the things he thought of first.
GG: "Then, I want you to write WHO worries you. Who says things
that worry you, do things that worry you.... And you must decide
which people around you give you the most anxiety. We can work
together to create a plan to spend less time with those people
Or if you want, you can do that yourself. As long as you have a
plan.."
M: He nodded. He was unsure what that was supposed to mean, or
how he could list all the people that caused him concern in some
fashion. But he had to give it a shot, right? That was what this
was all for.
GG: "Next, I would like for you to make an opposite list. It
will be shorter, but that's normal. I want you to make a list of
people you can trust. It can be just three or four people. All
right?"
"People you can go to when you are feeling anxious."
M: Yukito stared at the floor again, boring a hole into it with
his eyes. He could think of two. MAYBE two. People he didn't
want to bother with all of this, but whom he couldn't seem to
stay away from. One of those people, he couldn't write their
name down knowing that it would ever be read. "What if there
isn't anyone?"
GG: "Then find one person. Make that your priority... to find
one person this week who you can go to when you are anxious. I
can promise you that at least one person on this campus can do
that for you."
M: He stopped, considering, then sat forward in his chair,
leaning towards Dr. Spenser, a solemn look on his face. "What if
I go to that person, but I shouldn't?"
GG: "Why shouldn't you?"
M: Yukito froze, then sat back. "I just shouldn't."
GG: Jacob frowned. "All right.... then I will say this: Do it
anyway. Because, on the other hand, you /shouldn't/ bear fears
alone. And you /should/ find that one person. At least one."
M: He nodded, slowly, trying to relax."Anything else?"
GG: "One more thing....I am asking that you make one more list
in that same worry journal... make a list of when people tell
you positive things about yourself. Record how those thoughts
make you feel, who said them, if they're also on your 'trusted
people' list, if they should be added... things like that."
M: "Like...anytime someone makes a compliment?" He tried to
think of the last time that had happened. Had it been after that
image he'd posted? He somehow managed to shrink back into the
seat a little more.
GG: Jacob nodded. "Like that. Or encouragement. Or anything that
made you feel better when they said it."
M: "Does it have to make me feel 'better'?"
GG: "As opposed to feeling worse about yourself, yes."
M: Yukito considered this, unsure how to explain how rare it was
that the attention - even positive - failed to make him feel
'better', if he were to use that word. But all he could say was,
"Okay."
"I have a lot of homework."
GG: Jacob raised his eyebrows in a knowing gesture. "Of course.
I've taken enough of your time."
He stood and opened up the door for Yukito. "I hope it wasn't
too miserable an experience." He sincerely meant it, too.
M: Yukito nodded, dipping his head low in a sort of half-bow as
he exited, "Thank you for your time," he said mechanically,
relieved that their time was done.
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