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#Post#: 390--------------------------------------------------
Verochka's Diary
By: MissM Date: April 28, 2013, 7:30 pm
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Verochka never used to keep a diary until she traveled to
America and saw all the gorgeous ones on sale. She promptly
decided that she would get a plain one, and decorate it herself.
She ended up spinning her silk into fine thread and binding
several sheafs of paper together, resulting in a diary that
looked like a small novel. That was when she was 13 or so. She
didn't use it much between the ages of 13 and almost 15, but
after Gottfried (her ex bf and best friend) died, she started
keeping first a weekly, then almost daily diary. Several of the
pages have been torn out and covered in dress designs that she
came up with while writing, but it is still mostly empty. The
cover is made out of cardboard that she covered in her silk. She
is very proud of having made it, and carries it with her
constantly, along with a pen and a few colored pencils. It is so
important to her that she won't even let her parents see it, nor
her boyfriend, and she doesn't speak about it to others, even
when they ask.
Her writing is usually neat and orderly, although occasionally
she'll have bursts of German or Russian in the margins if she
goes back to add notes about something.
If she's really upset about something, her entry will be in all
German/Russian, depending on what mood she's in and what she
feels like (will 'translate').
#Post#: 414--------------------------------------------------
Entry something or other... first since interview at Academy
By: MissM Date: April 30, 2013, 10:18 pm
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Man, Hal Ramsey's a pain! Although I have to give him points
for managing to worm the fact that I have a liver that will
process anything and protect me from poisons out of me. That's
such a well kept secret that sometimes even *I* forget it. But
he started on my damn fingers and wouldn't stop probing, dear
lord.
And the physical. Grußgott! It's like I don't have a
half-competent physician myself!
But other than those two bothersome things, the interview went
quite well. He even told me I could start on Monday! Although
that only gives me a few days to pack up at home and move
over... Not that my parents will mind, but I think Sebastian
will.... And I think that the schedule here will drive me nuts
for a week or two, but I'll manage. As long as I can still
take... what do they call it here? Home Equity? Sewing class?
Hah. As if it's about the home...
They might not appreciate that attitude. God. People here...
I mean, I know it's an international school, but do they have to
be so BRITISH? Gah. I like tea, but damn it's strong...
I'm excited for Halloween...
#Post#: 446--------------------------------------------------
Entry 2 post interview
By: MissM Date: May 5, 2013, 3:33 pm
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Good lord, why to people always play the politics game?!!?
I am bloody sick of it. Truly, I am. Although Chevy may have
been right, I might not ever be able to get rid of my past...
Well, at least I'll be able to not be a politician. That is my
main aim, in coming here. To start myself up as a dress-maker...
I hope it works out. I really, really do. I may have trouble
with my temper, and how I react, but I'm working on that, I
really am! Everyone here seems pretty happy, too, and I wonder
if its all a front or if I'm just not allowed to see them upset
yet.
Why does everything have to be so damn complicated? I mean... I
dunno. I just want to make dresses for people, and see them be
happy. I'm an artist on the inside—happiness is beauty, and
beauty is only gained if you are happy with who you are on the
inside and out.
I did decide, after Gottfried died, to be a happier, more
outgoing person like he always said I should be. But now that
I'm trying, it seems like no one wants me to, or thinks I'm
putting up a front. I promise to god I am not. That would be
like bowing to my parents wish of politics. I can't lie unless
I'm angry, anyway. It's just not who I am. Except I have to lie,
to Sebastian, all the time, and it hurts. I need to be able to
tell him everything if I want to really trust him. If I want to
really have his trust, too, there needs to be nothing kept
secret between us. But I'm afraid it will only drive him away
like I did Gottfried. And I can't loose Sebastian. I can't. That
WOULD ruin me, I'm afraid. Totally and entirely ruin me.
He's my hero, to be sure. I... I think I actually love him. Not
the puppy love that every half-aware teenager claims is love.
That ship sailed and I still wanted him around, I still wanted
to share everything with him, and I still wanted to hang out
with him, even when I was angry at him, even when he did things
I didn't agree with. So maybe this is it for real. I can't lose
him. Maybe I'll ask dad for help with this. Mom would freak out,
probably try to get rid of him. But dad should know what to do.
He did, after all, meet mom and marry her, surely he can talk
her round.
And Gottfried...what about Gottfried? I mean, he did dump me,
but... I would maybe have said yes, if he'd still been around...
I don't know anymore. But he isn't around, and didn't he say to
be happy? I guess I'll always wonder what would have happened
with him, but... he's gone, so I have to move on. I don't know
how well I will manage, though. I miss him so much.
At least I still have Sebastian. He is something I have no
intention of losing, ever. I hope he doesn't mind so much that
I'm leaving so fast... I hope he doesn't think I'm leaving HIM.
That I couldn't stand. I just have to watch my temper more
around him, I guess. There's not much I can do other than that.
He seems to be suffering from the opinion that I might not
always want him around. Also that he has to take care of me.
It would be nice if he could see how badly I just want him to be
with me, so I can take care of him. Because he's tortured and
scared of something, and I want to make that go away. But what
if telling him about my... other enhancements, what if that
makes him think that he can't be with me? I don't want to keep
secrets, because it's killing me, but what if telling him makes
him run, like it did Gottfried? I can't loose him, and this is
killing me.
Why couldn't my parents have just left my body alone? Why did
they have to do this? I wish I could just... UGH.
I feel so awful all the time for having to lie... and it hasn't
been getting any better at all. I cannot do this much longer,
diary. Something is going to have to give. I guess I have to
talk to my parents about that one, too....
And that's another thing. Why must my parents try and force me
into politics? They know I've never been much for it, and it's
not like they've made it look appealing. Or feel appealing. They
think that paying off my friends is any better than assigning me
a guard? It ruins all my relationships.
I guess they're just trying to help, but... they're not.
God, I need to talk to them about this... I can't stand not
knowing what I'm going to end up doing. I want so badly, to just
be a normal person, with a normal career... Why can't they see
that?
I'm probably going to talk to them about it tonight, after
dinner... And Sebastian... well, I have to talk to him before I
leave anyway... But what should I tell him?
I hate this feeling of incompetence. I hate it. It makes me feel
worthless and stupid. I just want to have fun in life, and make
pretty things. Is that so much to ask?
And what about my citizenship? How am I supposed to choose?
Really? I can't do this anymore. I can't be torn between two
places, two people, two... I can't be two people at once.
But why do I have to choose????? This is killing me. Not knowing
what to do... Not knowing what will happen... Is this what life
is about, suffering through not knowing the future? Because if
it is, that sucks. Entirely too much.
How am I supposed to choose what I like best? There are so many
different things to consider... I just don't know what I am
supposed to do, not anymore. If the academy works out.... well,
if I like the academy, I think I'll stay. Even if the classes
aren't the best, they can't suck, not entirely. Or they wouldn't
be offered at the school...
I guess I'm just putting off what I need to do, which is tell
people things and decide who I really want to be.
Diary, I hate being this conflicted..... Hopefully tomorrow
things will get straightened out. I need to talk to Sebastian
anyway, about taking care of my spiders...
Which brings up another point, what the heck am I going to do
with them? I hate to admit that my parents are right, but they
really don't serve much of a purpose other than to give me
something to talk about. And I can do that without having them.
I will miss them, though. They know so many of my secrets...
although I guess since they can't talk, that's one thing that
they'll keep to themselves.
I did hear something from Hal about starting a Spider Arena, so
maybe I'll donate them to his cause. He'll take care of them.
#Post#: 537--------------------------------------------------
Entry 3
By: MissM Date: May 24, 2013, 6:17 pm
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Well... I guess I'm seamstress for this big thing with Chevy.
What with his dad out of the picture, I've been asked by Phoenix
to make Chevy a few dresses... well, ok. More than a few. But
given how happy it'll make him, I'll be glad to do something
like that for him.
I hope I'll be able to keep it a secret. And I hope that at some
point, someone somewhere will offer me help oh my god there are
so many dresses to make....
#Post#: 649--------------------------------------------------
Entry 4
By: MissM Date: June 1, 2013, 8:55 pm
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It gets LONELY when you've got an apartment all to yourself that
is both bigger and quieter than you like it to be. And it might
sound stuck up or bratty but I tried to get my parents to get me
a smaller place and they said no, which pisses me off. I don't
NEED so much space, even when I'm doing dresses... all I wanted
was a bedroom and a bathroom and a kitchen and a place to sit.
Oh well. I guess when I move out I'll get what I want. And I
guess having a little more room isn't a BAD thing... I just wish
mom and dad would listen to me. But no... not until I decide my
nationality...
Speaking of which, I feel myself drifting farther away from my
Russian roots... Ivanov helped that, a lot, but at the same
time, am I supposed to just forget the Russian I know? I can't,
I'd never be able to speak with my mom... but there wouldn't be
much use for Russian, if I chose German heritage....
And vice versa... God I hate having to choose!
On a slightly happier note, Sebastian is coming to visit this
weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so excited. It feels like years since I've seen him, even
though it's only been a few weeks. And he gets to come see Erin
play!! I'm excited for that as well. And it's a date-date, too,
which means that I MIGHT get him out of his shirt. For once. I'm
seriously starting to wonder if he has some scar that he doesn't
want to talk about or something.
I'm ready to move forwards with our relationship, even if he
isn't... And I guess it's time to say so... I'll just have to
find a good way to do it...
#Post#: 809--------------------------------------------------
Entry 5
By: MissM Date: October 3, 2013, 6:59 pm
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Well, things so far:
--Sebastian seems to hate my guts for wanting an education at a
place where even with my enhancements, I am considered 'normal'
(as much as anyone can be, at least)
--I am about to pass out from the exhaustion of keeping on top
of my studies and making that wardrobe for Chevy's thing,
because it has to be secret.
--Serina might be helping me with the load of stuff I have to
sew but damn, she is driving me insane. Not helping me sleep at
night.
--I am still fighting with my parents about going into politics,
though they seem to have calmed down about it a lot since I got
here.
I guess life isn't so bad, apart from sleep deprivation and not
being on good terms with Sebastian... Although I did take Lilith
up on her offer to help with the sewing. I need someone on my
team who won't drive me insane.
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