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#Post#: 583--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: May 28, 2013, 3:33 pm
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Entry 011
I'm an idiot.
I had decided that, despite Dr. Spenser saying that I should
trust my 'person', I should keep Erin as far out of this as
possible. I don't know what tomorrow may bring, and to string
her along without being able to promise her anything but my own
selfish feelings seems so wrong.
But it hurts a lot to ignore someone who cares about you, even
if you know they shouldn't care about you at all.
And it hurts even more to see them hurting, and knowing you're
the cause of it. If only things could have been simpler. If I
was just a little more normal, I'm sure things would have been
different.
Corzen asked me yesterday if I cared about Erin. Somehow, I felt
infuriated at him for even asking such a thing. Of course I care
about her. She's always been there for me, and she's dealt with
so much crap from me already. She's talented and beautiful, and
she's easier to be around than most people.
I don't think it's just caring about her. It's more than that.
But it's best if I just bury it, right? She shouldn't have to
worry about the complicated relationship between Hal and I, or
my past. I get the feeling that things are just going to get
much more complicated from here, and she shouldn't get dragged
into all that. But it's hard. Really hard. Especially when new
people come in and there's a spark between them that I'm sure
Erin and I will never have. They talk so easily, and she gets
the attention and the appreciation she deserves. Someone who
isn't afraid to hug her, and can tell her that he wants to.
Someone who can talk about silly things with her and joke and
compliment her. It hurts to see a better version of the person
who wished yourself to be.
And because I am not half of that person, I did some stupid
things. I went back to that same bar, the one with the open-mic
night, and got plastered, and who knows what I did that night.
But Chevy isn't going to tell me. He would rather blab it to the
whole school. Sure, he had to take a lot of the heat for what
happened, but what was I supposed to do? If I can't remember
what happened, why is it my fault? He claims that we kissed. In
all honesty, when I heard that, I had to vomit. It's nothing
personal against Chevy, but there's just no way. Could even my
drunken self have gone that far? And having Erin find out, like
that. For me to find out, like that. It was a low blow. I didn't
ask for any of this. I just wish everyone would forget I even
existed. If I was just gone, it would be so much better,
wouldn't it?
My head still hurts. Ugh.
So I'm fairly certain I've burnt any remnants of a possible
friendship with either Erin or Chevy. And probably others, too.
When they hear how stupid I've shown myself.
D***.
I keep getting text messages from guys I've never even met,
wanting to 'hang out'. Just kill me now. KILL ME NOW.
#Post#: 609--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: May 31, 2013, 5:43 am
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Entry 012
Things have calmed down a little bit, at least for me.
I'm determined to keep moving forward, even if my feet are
bleeding beneath me. And it helps, somehow, to hear from Erin
that she forgives me for turning her away and deliberately
ignoring her when she asked me to stay.
I still think that I made the best choice I knew how to do in
the situation. But I'm not denying that I don't know very much,
especially not handling this sort of thing. I think, though,
that she understands that we can't be anymore than friends. On
this, I am going to be stead-fast.
I need Erin, a lot. There are times I really wish I could just
pull her next to me and sit there with her, doing anything or
nothing at all. And I know it would make me feel better. But it
isn't right to pull her into this...whatever it is that is my
life. Something is wrong. Hal is acting weirder than usual. I
think it's in a positive way, but I don't know how long his
patience will last.
I think he was really hurt by what I said during the New York
trip. I was feeling kind of down so I said things that I
shouldn't have, and I think it really hurt him. But I can't take
it back now, can I? He's started being interested in what I'm
doing, like my music or talking with my friends. And even though
I sense that he means it well, it's really freaking annoying, to
be honest. But he's also backed off a lot. I'm not interrogated
if I come in later, and when he has business trips out of town,
he doesn't call as much anymore.
I feel like he is making a very sincere effort. And it makes it
painful to watch, because I don't know how to reciprocate. I
just...I don't know.
But adding Erin to the mix would only complicate matters, and I
know it.
Oh, I also had a project from Dr. Spenser. Since he's evaluated
social anxiety, he's given me a sort of project/homework, a
survey to give 3-5 people about their social interactions. I
have the information for it, I just have to compile it together
now. I'll be putting it in my next entry.
Also. I do not exactly have the 'positive things others say
about me', but I have received some messages on my tumblr
account that I thought I should write in. It's not all of them,
of course. But...it's something.
"Your logic is really weird."
"Don't pretend to ignorant."
"i have a problem with the way you keep saying that you ‘care’
when you made it really clear that you dont. if THATs how you
show someone you care about them then i really pity the person
you decide you want to marry. "
"if i thought you cared i would ask you to stop hurting yourself
and hurting the people that just want to be with you"
"THIS is not her happy. And you are a twisted human being if you
think that it is. She has been miserable the past couple of days
and you are only feeding that. "
And some more...optimistic?...ones that I received more
recently.
"You seem to be trying to be the strong, silent type-or maybe
you ARE the strong, silent type- but often those types need
someone special to confide in, more so than anyone else. I feel
like you need to hurry up and decide on who that person is going
to be before you shut off all your ability to trust in other
people."
You are always so pensive and distant- brilliant, but distant
all the same. Maybe I should chalk it up to your photographer,
but somehow those photos made you seem approachable. The ones of
you at the breakfast table, those are my favorite. You're
beautiful, in the most genuine and complete sense, and I only
fully understood that when I got to see you laugh.
You have a stunning smile, Yukito.
I heard you singing in the courtyard today. You have a lovely
voice.
You have a nice ***.
"You make me smile more!"
"You may be Tesla Coil to others, but you'll always be Beautiful
to me. :) Don't let them get you down. They'll get over it and
move on. ~♥"
"I miss you! You're beautiful! ~♥"
"but seriously. you just need to learn to go to people when you
need them. i know you don’t trust me, but you can still talk to
me :p because, even if you don’t understand it, i love you just
as much as i love everyone else, and you can’t change that by
doing stupid things. you just can’t :)"
"Look, I know my opinion doesn’t mean ****… just know that there
are people that care about you, no matter how much you push them
away. "
"You are not useless."
"i like it when ur happy ^_^"
"Hey, Yukito, I just really, really wanted to thank you for last
night. That was the first time in a long time that I haven't
been completely terrified to go to sleep..."
I will have to keep fighting to hold my head up high. I have a
lot of exams coming up soon, but I would like to think that I am
not entirely alone in the world. Somewhere out there, I think
there are people whose lives I could touch, if the opportunity
arose. I hate to think that I am sitting in my own head without
the courage to speak to anyone my true thoughts. It's like
caging up an animal in my skull, and I'm so weary of it. I've
tried ignoring it, I've tried keeping it to myself. I've tried
trying to lose myself. Life is difficult. I don't know what to
think anymore.
But I think it's time to tell Dr. Spenser about what Erin
brought back.
I think I'll tell him when I go to take in the journal entries
he requested. Maybe he will have time for a few moments..
#Post#: 716--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: June 15, 2013, 5:36 pm
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Entry 013
I just got back from Dr. Spenser's office. I told him. Not
everything, but enough.
God, I'm crying again already. What the hell.
I'm finally feeling a little bit of hope. It feels like
forbidden territory, but I'm pretty much beyond caring on that
front. I want to see Dr. Spenser again, but I don't know if I'll
be able to. If Hal finds out about today, he may transfer me to
another psychologist. If Hal doesn't find out, it might become
too awkward to talk to Dr. Spenser. But I want to make it work
if I can. I don't want to have to explain it again, if I can
help it. At least, not yet.
I wasn't able to tell him the other day because of the whole
elevator debacle, but I went to talk to him today, and it was
such a relief.
Maybe, now that the memories are re-surfacing, I can find a way
to get past them.
The idea is just...
I don't even have the English I want right now.
Now I have to go practice some music for awhile. Trent and Erin
invited me to stand in as a bassist for their band. I'm going to
keep it as a temporary thing for now, because I don't know what
Hal is going to say about it, but I want to at least help them
with this new show they have coming up. It's a big deal, and I
want to support as much as I can.
Also, Lilith says that she wants to come watch us play. :)
Things are looking brighter.
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