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#Post#: 126--------------------------------------------------
Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: March 31, 2013, 2:29 pm
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The simplest way to explain Yukito's diary is that it looks like
a Death Note, only not.
A simple black book, about the size of a composition notebook,
with nothing written on the cover. The edges are frayed, and
some of the pages have been ripped and taped back in. He keeps
the diary tucked underneath his mattress, along with three other
notebooks with categorized lyric notes.
#Post#: 127--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: March 31, 2013, 2:30 pm
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Entry 001
I don’t like the feeling of waiting for someone to come home.
It’s a feeling that makes me anxious, like something I’m afraid
of happening, is about to become a reality.
An empty house seems like a safe place, but once it starts to
feel too safe, it’s best to leave it behind, isn’t it?
I think so.
Luckily for me, Reese’s house isn’t so far. I like his house. It
reminds me of the Weasley’s house from the Harry Potter books, a
little bit. That kind of crazy-but-happy feeling. He has an old
playhouse he built when he was a kid, and it has couches and
wifi and everything now. It’s actually more like a garage or an
elaborate shed now. He calls it his ‘base’ and says that when he
got older and got his Enhancement, he padded the walls so that
he could relax. Sometimes I wonder if my intruding in on him
takes away what he wants, which is some quiet from his
Enhancement, but I can’t stay home all the time. I’m quite weak
sometimes, but I’m trying.
I can’t even say my true feelings. But am I even supposed to?
Perhaps honesty is not always the best policy. I’ll just have to
continue forward in the hopes of a breath someday, just hoping
it is a breath that is not before a plunge.
#Post#: 128--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: March 31, 2013, 2:30 pm
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Entry 002
FUCKING REESE.
I THINK HE’S SENDING PHOTOS OF ME TO THE BLONDE BIRD GUY.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE EVEN DOING?
I went home.
#Post#: 139--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: March 31, 2013, 8:14 pm
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Entry 003
another day that was too quiet. i was pissed at reese yesterday,
about the photo things, so i left. hal won't be back until
around tuesday from his business trip, so i'm all alone at the
house. no one really likes to come over, so i'm not expecting
anybody. however, someone did show up.
mae-chan, the cat that came before. i think she belongs to one
of hte neighbors, but she doesn't have a collar or anything.
odd, but i was glad for her company. she is very loving, and
rubs up against my hand if i try to ignore her for even a few
minutes. i've never seen a cat that was so loving, but it's
soothing to sit and pet her for half an hour straight.
what an exciting life i lead. haha..
reese never called. he's messaged me on tumblr, but that's to be
expected.
natalie has started taking people's anonymous messages from
people, talking about their crushes and asking for advice. i
sent her one, though i'm a little ashamed to admit it. she told
me, not knowing it was me, and not knowing who i was talking
about, that i should not be so subtle, and express how i feel.
isn't it strange, that the answer was so obvious, but i didn't
want to admit it to myself? maybe it's possible. but what is the
first step, when you don't even know your own feelings?
i will sit here, and pet mae-chan, and think about it.
#Post#: 150--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: April 1, 2013, 8:38 pm
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Entry 004
Monday night. Hal comes back pretty early in the morning
tomorrow, I'll probably already be in school.
There is a girl who goes to our school that was able to discuss
books with me, and every time I am sent messages online,
something about it makes me happy in a very simple way. I don't
feel I can tell them as much, but I'm feeling more at ease as
these people close in on me, in a casual way. As if it is
natural, even though it is not. I understand Reese's feelings
when he often says how he likes how the Enhancements made him
the same as everyone else, even though our Enhancements are
different.
A friend invited me to watch zombie movies with her this
weekend. It feels pretty good. I was afraid to ask her, at
first. I don't know why I was worried. But I wanted to ask her.
Somehow, it wasn't needed. Now, I want to find a way to ask her
to come to my house, instead of hers. It isn't about being alone
with her, but about being fair. Does that make sense? I don't
want her to be the only one being kind.
Maechan also returned again. I hope she doesn't come back when
Hal is here. He doesn't seem to like animals. But I hope Maechan
returns to keep me company. She is sleeping at my feet very
soundly, and I can hear the crickets outside the window. Every
time they chirp, her ear twitches. It's adorable. She makes me
feel at ease.
I'm still feeling apprehensive lately, like something is being
held in the air. I don't want to be specific, even here, but I
also don't have words for it myself yet. I feel very twisted
inside, like a knot that's been tied too tightly and gotten wet,
it can't come undone. Luckily, there is someone I feel I can be
honest to. Even though I haven't figured out my own feelings
yet, I can take Natalie's advice and try not to be so subtle all
the time - at least with myself. And I am beginning to think it
better and more natural to go to the side of someone you feel
comfortable with, instead of trying hard to fit in with someone
who makes you feel apprehensive.
My soul is tired from silence.
#Post#: 157--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: April 7, 2013, 12:02 am
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Entry 005
Reese just told me that everyone who sent in a vote about the
photoshoot thing said that I should do it.
Well, we don’t live forever, do we?
That is what I think.
Especially lately, I have been very hesitant on things, and I
hold back. but if it creates happiness for others, I don’t know
if I should say no.
Also, I will not say it aloud, but it bothers me that my friends
have so many photos from their childhood years, and I have none.
I have asked Hal about them again, but there are only photos
from during or after my Enhancement. And all my memories are
either gone or in a deep haze.
What if, like Phoenix, I have only looked like this since my
surgeries? What if who I was before is lost forever, and I would
not know a record of it if I saw it?
What if tomorrow, the same thing happens again, and I lose
myself and the “me” of today? I want proof that I existed. Even
if to the others, it seems like a photograph, to me it is proof
of the “me” of today. I want that “me” to appear strong, and
happy, and to show that he has friends, and a future.
Even if that “me” is gone tomorrow, I want proof of that. So I
will do the photoshoots, and I will not tell Hal about them.
Entry 006
I took a shower today and found the smudged remnants of
Natalie’s art on my neck. It was a design for the photoshoot.
She was very good at the photos, and she did her best to make me
relax. I was very poor as a model, but she was very patient with
me. At times, she was quite annoying and pushy, but I think if
she hadn’t been, I would have backed out. You can tell she
really loves art and everything involved in it.
At one point, however, I almost threw up. It was right after we
got to Natalie’s house, and she had taken a few photos of me in
different clothing. Then, she suggested I take the brace off and
do a few shirtless photos. I’m technically not allowed to take
it off at anytime unless Hal is there, so I was a little
reluctant, but I decided to go for it anyways. She tried a few
of me against this wall, then said she wanted to draw on some
tattoos. I didn’t really want to, but I decided to go for it
anyways. It would have been weird to tell her, ‘don’t touch me”
without reason, right?
The neck was fine, oddly enough. But once she started on a bit
of calligraphy-like writing on my collarbone, her hand touched
my stomach. It felt worse than having the stomach flu, I was
seriously afraid I was going to vomit all over her studio. I
reacted too violently, I think. Next thing I knew, I had shoved
Natalie away from me and flew back against the wall. My wings
came out without my willing them to again, and knocked over a
bunch of things. Natalie had fallen to the ground, and I didn’t
know what to say to her after that, except, “I’m sorry.”
She just made a joke about some people being ticklish.
I’m not ticklish.
Well, I don’t think. I guess I don’t know, do I?
Anyways, after that, she left me alone for awhile and cleaned
up. I was surprised when she told me she wanted to try again.
This time, she was careful to only touch me with the tip of the
pen, and that was okay. She had to change the script a bit to
cover up the way I smudged the ink, unfortunately.
Even after all of her efforts, however, I did not enjoy seeing
most of the photos from that hour. I wanted to look at those
photos later, and be proud of myself for the accomplishment.
However, with the memories of my reaction and awkwardness in
mind, the photos served only as a reminder of my own weaknesses.
Natalie had put so much effort into the photos, but I had to
tell her not to post most of those ones. I hope she puts them
away, but a part of me also doesn’t want her to delete them…I
don’t know.
My chest feels constricted, and getting air is getting harder.
After she posted the photos, there was a very good reaction
among my classmates. They seemed to enjoy them, and I hope
Natalie has the change to take more photos of our other
classmates. I think they will appreciate her time and efforts,
and be better able to reciprocate those efforts.
My turn playing the normal kid is over, I suppose. But it was
fun.
#Post#: 159--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: April 7, 2013, 9:35 pm
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Entry 007
I had my first kiss tonight.
It feels very strange to write it out, plain and simple. We were
just sitting together, and she'd been hugging me for the last
several minutes. I liked it, but it was a little difficult to
breathe. Like the nervousness before a big speech, or before
taking the leap off the ledge. I said to her, "The movie is over
now," and she said, "Okay," and I said, "You're still hugging
me." I asked her if it was uncomfortable, and she said no.
And then she kissed me, on the cheek.
And I asked if I could kiss her back. It was my first kiss.
I should have asked if it was her first kiss, too. Damn it.
She wanted to know if I liked her. The words were right on the
tip of my tongue, "Yes, Erin. I like you. A lot."
But I did not have the courage to say them. Even as she was
saying them.
"Please don't be afraid." was what she told me, and those words
rang in my ears all night long. I wanted to say those words with
her, with fervor and with feeling. I meant them.
But how do you say, "I don't want to tell Hal about us, because
I don't know what he'll do?" She saw the newspaper clip. And
she's seen how Hal is...he called in and checked in on me
tonight, and I lied to him, with Erin sitting right next to me.
I still live in fear of the man I live with, and I can't make
Erin a target, or a bribe. And I certainly can't risk her
becoming a victim.
But I still kissed her again. I'm a horrible person for it, but
a part of me doesn't care. It seems so simple, from the outside
looking in. But I fear for her safety. Even if no one saw us,
even if Hal couldn't tell I was lying, it still makes me worry
that something will happen to her overnight.
I'm too weak. While my body is still owned by Hal Ramsey,
there's no chance for me to be free. What if Hal sees her as a
threat and has her removed? It would be so easy. Just a check-up
surgery, with no risks...and then something goes wrong. It's not
easy to walk away from this. He's put his whole life into these
experiments, and whether I like it or not, I'm at the center of
them. As much as Erin encourages, as much as she says I am my
own person...I'm not. My body belongs to Hal Ramsey. And
naively, Erin says she doesn't care, that she still wants to be
there with me.
I'm too weak.
I don't want to be alone, either. She held me tonight, and I
felt like I was going to cry. I felt like I had truly begun to
be accepted, and that things were going to be alright. It's
different from Natalie. I'll always love Natalie, and her spunky
spirit and her screw-the-world mentality. But Natalie is an
untouchable, an idea. Erin was real. She was authentic, and she
was in my arms. I felt her, small and warm and wanting me to be
there.
But there's so much she doesn't know. She doesn't know that my
first waking memory after my surgery was of being tied to the
hospital bed, screaming to be released. Of the terrifying
realization that I couldn't communicate, that no one could
understand me, and I couldn't move. That no where was my home,
and no one was my home. I never want to realize that again, and
I would rather die before letting her arrive at that
realization, either.
"Yukito...." she said, "I wonder if he's afraid of /you/
somehow. Like if he doesn't watch you like a hawk, you'll make
your discoveries... like you did... and, I dunno, rise against
him somehow. Because he knows you're capable. He knows you're
smart, and stubborn, and that you work hard for what you want.
And he knows all that... and he probably knows that that can be
used against him somehow."
What an odd thing to say. I'm scared of Hal more than anything I
can put a name to. But he's still my guardian, and he still
looks out for me. What am I to do? I had to be careful holding
her hand as I walked her back home in the dark. I made her
promise not to tell anyone but Natalie.
I'm so weak.
But I still care for her. I can't stop that anymore.
I think I have to tell Hal, someway or another.
I just hope that this doesn't all go wrong.
(P.S. Her kiss was very nice.)
#Post#: 216--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: April 14, 2013, 3:05 am
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Entry 008
You know what? I agree with Clarence 100%.
Erin deserves better. I’m just the warped kid with the broken
brain, the weak body, and even a non-functioning Enhancement.
I know I’m a failure. I know that.
But it still hurts. It hurts so bad I want to scream.
And today all that failure was just confirmed again and again,
and rubbed in my face.
Hal was back from his trip the last few days, and he’s started
noticing things. There WAS some leftover sweets from the movie
night. There was some of Natalie’s artwork hanging up in my
room. He saw the bowl for Maechan’s food outside my window. I
don’t know if he put it all together yet, or if there is even
something to put all together. But either way, it started a
fight over me locking my door. I’d been in my room for a few
hours, and he wasn’t happy. So he ripped the lock off, and the
handle, too.
I actually cried. Like a two year old, I cried when I saw that
gaping hole in the door, like someone had just crushed my hand
into dust. I don’t know why, but the sight of that open door
sent me back into one of my worst nightmares, and there was only
that door to hold it at bay. I screamed at Hal, and he berated
me like the child I am.
My grades are dropping. I’m still too heavy for the wings. He
owns me. He owns everyone at the school. That’s why they’re
there. Not to be friends with me or have influence over me. And
if I toe that line, they can be removed. And no more concerts.
No more after-school activities.
And I can’t even be trusted to have a fucking door handle.
I want to shoot myself in the head.
It’s much better if they all just forget about me.
#Post#: 353--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: April 25, 2013, 10:26 am
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Entry 009
It hurts to smile now. But I’ve got to keep going.
I was woken up at 3am by Hal saying that we were going on a trip
to New York.
I was so tired. But I got up and got ready, and I was on a plane
just a few hours later. Craziness. We were in New York from
Thursday until Sunday night/Monday morning, and I had to go
directly back to school the next day, so I’m really tired out
right now. I might finish this entry and take a nap.
But first. I did a very stupid thing. I was kind of out of it
and excited to get back home. I was using my phone at the
airport to connect to everyone else, and someone asked me to
post an image of myself at my most… alluring. I tried, but it
fell flat, of course. I could not expect much more than that
from myself, but I wanted to try, you know? But it didn’t work.
But oh, well. We continued on like normal, until Phoenix asked
me to try again. I did, and this time, I really tried my
hardest. I was feeling dizzy and sleepy from some pain meds, but
I was also dizzy from all the activity that I could take part
in, despite being miles away from everyone. I was very happy to
take part in their conversation, even if it was only in a small
way. So I snuck off, locked myself in a room, and I put all of
myself in that image, and posted it. It got a strong reaction.
A quite strong reaction. My inbox was flooded in comments, some
of which I posted, some of which I just couldn’t. My hands
actually started to shake, as if I had received a threatening
letter. Most of the comments sounded like they weren’t for me,
but for someone else. If my name hadn’t been mentioned, I would
have thought they were sent by accident. I really mean that.
It didn’t sound like it was me at all they were talking about.
And I instantly started to regret the photo. It had seemed like
a silly, ridiculous thing, before, trying to be sexy or
something, even just playing at it was amusing. But now I was
being taken as something more serious than the Yukito they know,
and I didn’t know how to react to that.
I still don’t know how…
I regretted it even more later this morning, when Erin had an
obviously negative reaction. I think I could have brushed it off
if she had been shallow about it, but it affected her deeply,
too. It wasn’t just a silly game of pretend, like I had hoped it
would be. Seeing me like that must have been a disappointment
for her. I imagine she said things like, “Who is this?” and
“He’s so full of himself.”
And I have nothing to say in my defense, because no one made me
do it. And all of them reacted in a way that was most like
themselves. I was the only one playing pretend.
But it’s too late to take it down, now. It’s been saved and
reposted it, and there’s no stopping it. Hal might even hear
about it, but that doesn’t bother me so much as knowing that
people have been looking at me all day like I’m a totally
different person. “Who is here? Who is that person? He is the
sort of person to do things like that?”
There were five letters shoved into my locker this morning.
Heart shaped letters and ones with a really strong perfume on
them, as if it was Valentine’s Day or something. I read them,
but each of them feels like they are written for this other
person, the one I posted about. There is no mention of the
Yukito I wanted to be there. Just this cocky, self-indulgent
person that took over for just an instant. That is not the
impression I wanted to leave
I can feel them watching me, and all I can do is be silent,
because no one made me do it. I had wanted to post that photo,
at that time. But I should have let it slide, like usual, and
avoided it. Then no one would be walking around me so strangely.
Even my friends were strange at lunch, and no one joked about it
or laughed like usual. So I made an excuse and went to go eat on
the rooftop on my own.
I had kind of hoped Erin or Reese would come, but neither of
them did.
I just got back from New York, from being alone so much of the
time, and it’s as if I came back a complete foreigner, a
stranger.
I just want things the way they were, with everyone laughing and
making ridiculous comments. I want to read them all, and breathe
them in, along with my friends. I want to be almost-invisible
again.
It hurts to smile now. But I’ve got to keep going.
No one is going to pat me on the back and fix it all.
Entry 010
She messaged again last night, right after Erin’s photoshoot was
posted.
I wanted to enjoy the photos. Not disturb everything. Why is it
so hard for me to have just one normal day? I just don’t know
anymore.
“I’ve seen you when no one else has. And someday, you’ll see me,
too.”
The words make me sick to my stomach. I got this feeling like
deja vu when she sent the messages. I know it’s the same person
who left all those love notes in my locker. There’s nothing
dirty or threatening written in them, in actuality. But it’s
still disturbing to me. My hands shook too much to write this
entry last night, even.
Why is it always me? Why must I be afraid of everything?
I’m determined to not make it all about me. It should have been
Erin’s photoshoot’s night. I don’t want her to wake up and find
her page covered in my weak attempts at covering up the fact
that I’m scared shitless. I want her to wake up and see how
beautiful she can be, and that’s she special, with or without
me.
I’m tired of bringing everybody down. I should be able to stand
on my own two feet. I’m a teenager, but I’m almost an adult now,
right? I should be able to handle it.
I AM able to handle it. I’m sure.
But it’s so unsettling. How can I be so bold as to post photos
of myself online, when I know she’s watching, and probably
saving them to her computer right now? How can I talk about my
fears, when she’s probably reading it? How can I respond to
messages, when I never know if it’s actually her? Am I indulging
her? Am I making it worse by ignoring her?
Everyone tried to be supportive, but they only brought attention
to it. I can feel their thoughts as if I had just stolen Reese's
power 'Yukito got a stalker. What has he been doing to call on
THAT attention? So full of himself.'..
I don’t know what to do. But I sure as hell can’t talk to any
official about it, like Syd said. That would be the LAST thing I
could do.
Imagine if Hal found out about it. I’d never be allowed out of
the house again, I just know it. Even more restrictions would be
placed on me, and I’m already suffocating slowly here.
I just want to sit with my friends, and laugh without fear. Why
can’t I even do that?
Dear anonymous admirer,
you’ve really got me this time. I don’t know what to do, and
you’ve made me scared to sleep at night.
And you’ve sealed my lips with it, as well.
How cruel of you.
All I can do is try to ignore it, and hope she goes away.
Meanwhile, I must be very careful not to send the wrong messages
out that may provoke her. Then, in a way, it would be my fault,
wouldn’t it? And I don’t want it to be my fault.
…i must learn to be brave.
#Post#: 438--------------------------------------------------
Re: Yukito Ramsey's Diary
By: Mascii Date: May 4, 2013, 7:18 pm
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Entry 010
I had one of our scheduled visits to Dr. Spenser's office today.
It was exhausting, as usual, and he gave me homework, as if it's
a class or something. I didn't mention my "stalker" to him,
although I probably should have. Mostly we just talked about my
nightmares, and how to deal with them. I know he's got this
whole list thing sorted out where I have to focus on something
that calms me down, and so on. But what if it doesn't help? What
if one day I just don't wake up from that other person I am? I
know. Melodramatic, right?
But anyways. I have to write this s*** down before I forget.
-Worry/fears journal - write what concerns me
-After a week, look and find out what they are and what is
solvable/unsolvable
-WHO worries me - who causes the most anxiety
-List 2 or 3 people whom I can trust
-Positive things others say about me
Well, I can already say that my worries about 1) not waking up
2) making people worry unnecessarily, or getting too involved 3)
eh...being..exposed, I guess it is? Not just physically. That's
a start, right? I don't know if anyone in particular causes me
any more or less anxiety or worry. I could say Erin does,
sometimes. But that's because Erin always pushes people around
her. She doesn't know it, but she can be intimidating to me.
Clarence and the Silas guy, because I never know what to expect
from them. Phoenix and Chevy, although I don't know why. I guess
because, like Reese, they tend to try and probe me. I feel
watched around them, in a way I don't understand. That's a lot
of guys, isn't it? I don't know..this whole thing is weird.
People I can trust...
I asked him about this one. I told him that there was someone I
could go to when I'm anxious, but that I shouldn't. Obviously,
he wanted to know more, but what could I say? I couldn't tell
him that, other than Reese, the only other person I've felt
capable of going to has been his own daughter.
Things would get too complicated, right?
Not to mention, Dr. Spenser doesn't know about the newspaper
clipping that I gave Erin. I should never have given it to her.
I should have kept Erin out of all of this.
Positive comments? This one is going to be difficult. Even if
someone says something 'nice' about me, I don't know if I can
honestly say it makes me feel better. 'Not worse' might be more
accurate? I'm not sure. I can't figure it out.
What kind of things have others said to me that made me feel
good about myself?
My mind draws a blank, even though I have this feeling that it's
happened before. Is it wrong that it doesn't stand out to me in
perfect clarity, that it slipped my memory, even though it was
important?
I don't know.
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