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#Post#: 2371--------------------------------------------------
How to decline a contribution to dinner
DIR By: TychaBrahe
Date: March 28, 2012, 4:53 pm
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This is going to be a bit weird.
I am an atheist of Jewish origin. Next month is Passover, one
of the most important celebrations in the Jewish calendar.
Religiously, it's not as important as a few others, but
culturally, it's the one that most Jews participate in. Even
though I never go to synagogue, and as I said, I no longer
believe in God, I still look forward to and eagerly celebrate
this holiday. In fact, my stepbrother's and his wife and I are
organizing a seder (traditional celebratory dinner) for their
family and my friends.
None of my guests are Jewish. My family has always been big on
including gentiles in our seders. (In fact, when it's a leap
year in the Jewish calendar, and Passover doesn't coincide with
Holy Week, one of our regular guests is an Episcopalian priest.)
Two of my guests are Christians and one is Hindu.
One of the Christian guests has offered to bring something. I
need to decline for several reasons. First, while the family
doesn't keep kosher, we sort of lean that way in the seder. For
example, since the main course is meat, no dairy is served. A
rabbi wouldn't dine with us, but breaking a fundamental rule of
the kosher law would bother most of the Jews in attendance.
Second, this woman is a vegetarian. The observance of Passover
means that certain foods cannot be eaten. The big one is
anything with leavening. No bread or any flour is consumed for
the week. Orthodox Jews will discard these items prior to the
holiday. Conservative Jews put them away from other items, and
their rabbi arranges to sell the food to a gentile for the
duration of the holiday. Eastern European Jews extend this ban
to anything that cannot be immediately cooked, so beans, which
must be soaked, are not kosher for Passover. This friend lives
and dies by soy and tofu, neither of which can be consumed or
even brought into the home.
However, this friend is from a Southern and Baptist family. The
concept of bringing something to share for celebrations was key
to her upbringing. In the past she has brought food to share
just when she was coming over to help me with a project. (I'm
of the mind that if you are kind enough to help me paint a room,
*I* will feed *you* out of overwhelming gratitude. She showed
up to paint with a plate of brownies.)
I need a way to tell her that she doesn't have to (and in fact
can't) bring anything without sounding like we're rejecting her
offer to help or that we're declaring her food unfit to eat.
(Which it absolutely isn't, except at this particular time and
place.)
#Post#: 2374--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to decline a contribution to dinner
DIR By: stars afire
Date: March 28, 2012, 5:10 pm
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Can you ask her to pick up a bottle of Kosher wine? That's my
usual Seder contribution.
#Post#: 2375--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to decline a contribution to dinner
DIR By: BuddyCat
Date: March 28, 2012, 5:20 pm
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I don't see anything rude about explaining that the food must be
kosher or it can't come into the house, and explaining that
soy/tofu is not kosher. Really, at this stage the idea of
keeping kosher is known by the general population, not just
observant Jews. Either direct her to something simple (cut up
vegetable dish with salsa instead of ranch dip?) or send her for
kosher wine, like stars said.
#Post#: 2384--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to decline a contribution to dinner
DIR By: Swan Swan H
Date: March 29, 2012, 7:37 am
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--- Quote from: BuddyCat link ---
>
> I don't see anything rude about explaining that the food must
be kosher or it can't come into the house, and explaining that
soy/tofu is not kosher. Really, at this stage the idea of
keeping kosher is known by the general population, not just
observant Jews. Either direct her to something simple (cut up
vegetable dish with salsa instead of ranch dip?) or send her for
kosher wine, like stars said.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree. Just explain as you have here, I am sure she will
understand. And if she doesn't... well, I am not sure I'd want
her to come to a dinner in my house.
#Post#: 2398--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to decline a contribution to dinner
DIR By: aventurine
Date: March 29, 2012, 10:58 pm
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Speaking as someone from your friend's culture, she'd probably
rather you let her know. As you pointed out, she's being polite
in the way she's used to, so meet her there and give her some
guidelines in how best to do that in this particular instance.
Whether that's bringing a kosher contribution or just sitting
this one out, just let her know.
#Post#: 2403--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to decline a contribution to dinner
DIR By: Jabberwock
Date: March 30, 2012, 7:56 pm
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I would explain that there are rather strict rules about what
can and can't be served, so you have everything taken care of.
There's nothing wrong with acknowledging how generous and
thoughtful she's been in the past about bringing food to share,
but that the specific rules around passover mean that you can't
allow outside food into the house during this time period.
Can you think of anything that she could make, perhaps pick one
of your recipes and ask if she'd like to make that? Or if she's
a close friend, perhaps you could let her know that if she
wanted to come over a bit early and help with the preparations
that you'd appreciate the hand. That way she'd feel like she was
contributing, but she wouldn't be bringing any outside food
over.
#Post#: 2457--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to decline a contribution to dinner
DIR By: WinesWellWithOthers
Date: March 31, 2012, 4:45 pm
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I think the best way to go is just lay it out for her. If she
really pushes the issue about bringing something kosher wine
isn't a bad suggestion. Or is there something she could bring
for the table... flowers?
#Post#: 2468--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to decline a contribution to dinner
DIR By: G-Lady
Date: April 1, 2012, 11:04 am
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--- Quote from: aventurine link ---
>
> Speaking as someone from your friend's culture, she'd probably
rather you let her know. As you pointed out, she's being polite
in the way she's used to, so meet her there and give her some
guidelines in how best to do that in this particular instance.
Whether that's bringing a kosher contribution or just sitting
this one out, just let her know.
>
--- End Quote ---
Also a "Suthuner". Definitely go with this.
And I really like stars afire's suggestion for wine. Just makes
sure she knows to look for the phrase "Kosher for Passover."
She shouldn't have much trouble finding a suitable wine,
especially in Chicago.
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