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#Post#: 1748--------------------------------------------------
The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: wolfnrose
Date: March 14, 2012, 1:13 pm
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We've scheduled a BBQ-type gathering at my house for early
Summer, including some coworkers, friends who happen to be
clergy/deacons, and... apparently a few polyamorist/polygamists.
When we invited "bring your family!" we were mildly surprised
when one of our friends asked whether "both of her husbands"
would be welcomed. She's our friend, and of course we're
inclined to say she should certainly bring HER family, however
she defines that. We have gay friends and certainly don't tell
them to leave their same-sex spouse at home!
That said, we can imagine our more "religious" (aka judgemental)
friends being offended, or even repercussions from coworkers
seeing we associate with "social rebels" so to speak... So, do
we "warn" the bigots (either of who will also attend, and/or
that we won't appreciate them sermonizing), or gently suggest to
our friend that we love her but maybe this isn't the time to
come out to our other friends, or just let things go as they
will and watch the possible explosion? It's our house and our
party, darnit, but know others aren't as open minded as we
are... help?
-W&R
#Post#: 1752--------------------------------------------------
Re: The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: G-Lady
Date: March 14, 2012, 1:39 pm
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I don't really think you can do either. Bigots will be bigots
and there's no sense in riling them up over something that may
or may not come up in conversation. I think that's asking for
them to make a big stink and feeds the bigotry. (For example, I
didn't tell any of my uber-religious family members that members
of my bridal party or the Cap'n family are pagan. No sense in
setting anyone up for a shunning or am attempt at conversion.)
Your friends who are poly likely already have experience dealing
with people who strongly disagree with them. They also probably
have a plan or strategy on how to deal with meet & greet
situations - such as introducing the legal spouse as such and
the 2nd spouse as a roommate or dear friend, or just introducing
themselves by name who live at ____, leaving off relationship
details. Friends of mine who are in a poly living situation
typically go with one of these. Friends of mine who are poly
but not co-habitating usually just introduce the primary
relationship (husband/wife, fiance/fiancee, BF'GF etc) and then
introduce their additional partner(s) as friend(s).
Warning your poly friends can also set up them to be judgmental
against the religious friends. Or you could give the impression
that by inviting people who are bigoted, that you at best
tolerate bigotry and at worst, condone bigotry. Or, you could
inadvertently give off the impression that you find their living
situation to be repulsive or not equal to a more traditional
2-person-only relationship.
If an incident does happen, then you can discretely
1) usher out whoever "started it"
2) usher out whoever is making a bigger stink
3) request they ALL tone it down and avoid each other for the
remainder of the party
or 4) other option you deem appropriate at that time
#Post#: 1756--------------------------------------------------
Re: The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: wolfnrose
Date: March 14, 2012, 2:24 pm
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Thanks... that's all pretty much what we've been thinking as
well. Just as you said, we don't really want to make a big
scene by overtly leading the pro-polygamy rally, but certainly
wouldn't join the bigots either -- to us, number is no different
than gender in terms of endemic "rightness." If some friends
can't deal with our other (much cooler and nicer) friends, so be
it... the only other issue remaining is what to do if the
'offender' is my boss, whom I probably shouldn't tell off
despite what I think... :-S
With us, they never really 'explained' the 2nd guy, but we
certainly had suspicions when both men are clearly deeply
involved with her life. Upon further discussions (now), they
apparently handle such things by NOT explaining anything (just
using names for both partners without spouse titles, and letting
people (like us) figure it out when they both "sound" like
husbands), and answering any direct questions people wish to
ask, without apologizing for who they are. Sounds about right
to me, and as you say the bigots are/have their own problem, to
be dealt with as needed... so, thanks for the
validation/support, I suppose?
W
#Post#: 1757--------------------------------------------------
Re: The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: Jabberwock
Date: March 14, 2012, 2:28 pm
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I think that it's always the best policy to assume that your
guests will know how to behave appropriately. You run the risk
of insulting them if you phone them up and imply that you're
worried that they'll be rude. For example, my cousin made sure
to let me know that my dog couldn't come to his wedding. I was
quite taken aback, because I don't have a history of taking my
dog to inappropriate places, and I certainly know better than to
take him to a wedding!
In my experience people who don't approve of alternative
lifestyles don't tend to start fights at parties. Unless you
know someone who gets loudly obnoxious then I wouldn't worry
about it. Chances are your poly friends will be low key about
the whole thing anyway, and if everyone is mingling then it's
totally possible that no one will even catch on that she's with
both of them.
#Post#: 1759--------------------------------------------------
Re: The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: G-Lady
Date: March 14, 2012, 2:46 pm
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--- Quote from: wolfnrose link ---
>
> *snip*
> the only other issue remaining is what to do if the 'offender'
is my boss, whom I probably shouldn't tell off despite what I
think... :-S
> *snip*
>
--- End Quote ---
I would just be sure to let people know he's your boss as you
introduce him to all your friends. Your poly friends will be
savvy enough to know what to do (and what not to do). 8)
#Post#: 1770--------------------------------------------------
Re: The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: wolfnrose
Date: March 14, 2012, 4:15 pm
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--- Quote from: G-Lady link ---
>
> I would just be sure to let people know he's your boss as you
introduce him to all your friends. Your poly friends will be
savvy enough to know what to do (and what not to do). 8)
>
--- End Quote ---
...and that would be, "Kick him in the shins and call him a
cheapskate bastard", right? :-P
#Post#: 1773--------------------------------------------------
Re: The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: G-Lady
Date: March 14, 2012, 4:33 pm
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--- Quote from: wolfnrose link ---
>
> [quote author=G-Lady link=topic=167.msg1759#msg1759
date=1331754377]
> I would just be sure to let people know he's your boss as you
introduce him to all your friends. Your poly friends will be
savvy enough to know what to do (and what not to do). 8)
>
--- End Quote ---
...and that would be, "Kick him in the shins and call him a
cheapskate sparkles", right? :-P
[/quote]
Absolutely. ;)
#Post#: 1831--------------------------------------------------
Re: The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: Giggle Loop
Date: March 15, 2012, 10:21 am
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And, you know, just in case, have some ideas handy on how to
divert him.
#Post#: 1835--------------------------------------------------
Re: The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: wolfnrose
Date: March 15, 2012, 10:37 am
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--- Quote from: Giggle Loop link ---
>
> And, you know, just in case, have some ideas handy on how to
divert him.
>
--- End Quote ---
OK, so kick him in the shins, call him a (not "sparkles"), and
then run around the yard naked singing the Hungarian national
anthem... got it!
W
#Post#: 1837--------------------------------------------------
Re: The new bigots, or "How to deal with polys?"
DIR By: Giggle Loop
Date: March 15, 2012, 10:38 am
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Make sure to take video. ;D
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