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#Post#: 1294--------------------------------------------------
I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: G-Lady
Date: March 11, 2012, 10:48 am
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Many of you may remember the fiasco with my grandmother (via my
bio-Pops) when I got married just over a year ago. She left me
a voice mail the week before the wedding saying she couldn't
make it because 1) the cows at the ranch needed to be fed and 2)
there were some cousins from my deceased grandfather's side of
the family that happened to be in town and wanted to see the
ranch.
I was pretty upset. I'm the eldest granddaughter, and she'd
just attended another granddaughter's wedding that summer, so I
felt pretty snubbed. I also knew that cows and cousins were
pretty lame excuses for skipping a wedding and I suspect other
motives, possibly including but not limited to: it was a civil
ceremony (the Cap'n atheist and I'm sorta
agnostic/atheist/Buddhist), it was a 2nd marriage for both of
us, my grandmother's extremely Catholic, the Cap'n half
Japanese, it was a Pirate themed wedding & we encouraged
costumes, and/or we'd been living together for several years.
This was 1/1/2011. I'm also a fair bit disappointed with my
bio-Pops and family for not telling her how cruddy it was to
skip a wedding. (you'd think she'd be happy that we were
finally getting married and not "living in sin" anymore)
I skipped the family Christmas celebration this last year mostly
to avoid her (I've been angry for a long time), though also
because my sister from my adoptive side was in town with her
family.
Yesterday we attended a vow renewal for my Aunt M and Uncle S
that celebrated their 25th anniversary. I knew she'd be there,
and I didn't want to cause a stink and detract in any from the
party, so I talked to some of my FB gurus and decided that
general avoidance was my best course of action. (this is the
etiquette part)
Even though she sat right in front of me, I managed to avoid her
during the mass. I also managed to avoid her though lunch -
right up until the very end. She cornered me and hugged me. It
was brief, so I just let it go and gave her a quick hug back.
Then, as the Cap'n and I were leaving, we encountered her again
and she gave me another hug good bye, only she held on and
started crying because she missed my grandfather so much.
(Frankly, I don't know why. He was a class A abusive jerk.)
So I'm a big softie and I hugged her back and told her I loved
her and that I was glad I saw her. Am I still upset at the
snub? Absolutely. But ya know what? She'll never understand
why what she did was so hurtful. I'm 31, she's late 70's.
She's not going to change, and I have better things to do with
my life than hold a grudge against an old lady.
But she was sneaky with those hugs. ;)
I thought y'all might like the update.
#Post#: 1309--------------------------------------------------
Re: I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: HeavyMetalWino
Date: March 11, 2012, 12:31 pm
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Wow. I remember your story. I have to say, I am very impressed
with you. I'm not sure I would have been able to do that. I
think that it speaks volumes of your character to let your hurt
go like that. I don't think that it would have been wrong to
tell her how hurt you were or at least how much you missed her
at your wedding. But....like you said, you can't change other
people's behavior - just your own.
#Post#: 1312--------------------------------------------------
Re: I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: Giggle Loop
Date: March 11, 2012, 12:36 pm
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Good for you! If nothing else, it will make you feel better. My
family has more issues than National Geographic, but in the end,
I just had to let go for my own sanity.
#Post#: 1317--------------------------------------------------
Re: I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: BuddyCat
Date: March 11, 2012, 3:17 pm
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I'm so happy it went well, I've been wondering about you and how
you fared! I think you definitely took the right path on this
one.
#Post#: 1319--------------------------------------------------
Re: I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: aventurine
Date: March 11, 2012, 3:39 pm
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You taking the high road and displaying class is never going to
surprise me. :)
#Post#: 1344--------------------------------------------------
Re: I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: G-Lady
Date: March 11, 2012, 5:39 pm
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--- Quote from: aventurine link ---
>
> You taking the high road and displaying class is never going
to surprise me. :)
>
--- End Quote ---
Oh, trust me, I've not become some paragon on virtue. I'm still
not talking to my bio-mother because she wanted to be a drama
llama at the wedding (over what, I have no idea - I wasn't
going to let her play martyr on my wedding).
And really, what sort of cold hearted b-word would I be if I
pushed away a crying octogenarian? ::)
Funny thing - I thought I'd get home and immediately recount the
story here. But It just wasn't important anymore and it
actually took me quite a while to type up my original post.
(and I was so lazy, I just copied and pasted it into my blog
with only a few modifications)
#Post#: 1368--------------------------------------------------
Re: I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: Nerdling
Date: March 11, 2012, 10:52 pm
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I think you handled it really well. I'm glad you were able to
come to a point where you could make up with your grandmother,
because I could tell that the things she's done in the past year
or so really hurt you.
#Post#: 1400--------------------------------------------------
Re: I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: G-Lady
Date: March 12, 2012, 9:44 am
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--- Quote from: Nerdling link ---
>
> I think you handled it really well. I'm glad you were able to
come to a point where you could make up with your grandmother,
because I could tell that the things she's done in the past year
or so really hurt you.
>
--- End Quote ---
I don't know if "make up" is accurate. We didn't talk about
what she did, and I didn't tell her that she hurt me. But I did
"let it go", and I'm going to try to keep a mind set that when
she does something hurtful, she just doesn't "get it". She
can't step out of her own worldview and see that other people
have other values, priorities, beliefs, etc that don't align
with hers - and that doesn't make them wrong.
She also seems to forget that I wasn't raised in this family. I
was raised by a completely different family with completely
different moral, political, and religious values (ok, not that
different on religion, but definitely different political
views). While my parents weren't thrilled that I lived with my
first husband before we married, they understood that it was a
financial decision and were supportive. Once the Cap'n came
along, I was already a grown woman with one marriage under her
belt, living by myself, self sufficient, and making all my own
decisions. It never even crossed my mind that co-habitation was
even an issue for two adults.
#Post#: 1412--------------------------------------------------
Re: I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: Koolaid
Date: March 12, 2012, 1:23 pm
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I remember your story and I'm glad to get a positive update on
it. I'm glad that you're at peace. Sometimes that's all we can
really hope to get and I think you're right about this being
such a situation.
#Post#: 1448--------------------------------------------------
Re: I made nice with my grandmother
DIR By: Nerdling
Date: March 12, 2012, 10:22 pm
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--- Quote from: G-Lady link ---
>
> [quote author=Nerdling link=topic=141.msg1368#msg1368
date=1331524357]
> I think you handled it really well. I'm glad you were able to
come to a point where you could make up with your grandmother,
because I could tell that the things she's done in the past year
or so really hurt you.
>
--- End Quote ---
I don't know if "make up" is accurate. We didn't talk about
what she did, and I didn't tell her that she hurt me. But I did
"let it go", and I'm going to try to keep a mind set that when
she does something hurtful, she just doesn't "get it". She
can't step out of her own worldview and see that other people
have other values, priorities, beliefs, etc that don't align
with hers - and that doesn't make them wrong.
She also seems to forget that I wasn't raised in this family. I
was raised by a completely different family with completely
different moral, political, and religious values (ok, not that
different on religion, but definitely different political
views). While my parents weren't thrilled that I lived with my
first husband before we married, they understood that it was a
financial decision and were supportive. Once the Cap'n came
along, I was already a grown woman with one marriage under her
belt, living by myself, self sufficient, and making all my own
decisions. It never even crossed my mind that co-habitation was
even an issue for two adults.
[/quote]
I couldn't really think of another way to phrase it, but "make
up" probably isn't quite right, true. I also can't brain well
enough to say what I'm trying to work out to say, so let's just
pretend I had something witty and constructive to add?
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