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#Post#: 861--------------------------------------------------
PA comments
DIR By: Addie
Date: March 9, 2012, 3:00 am
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My mother is the queen of PA. Woe is her, self pitying, excuses,
victimisation, she does it all. We had a brief tiff a few months
back from a letter she sent me whining about our lack of a
relationship and my hatred of her (she assumes this hatred from
the fact that I don't talk to her more than once a week. Yeah.)
that resulted in us not talking for a month. Good times. Anyway,
after a lot of annoyance, we're speaking again but she's really
gone crazy and must make a dig every three sentences.
I've just about had enough. Telling her to cut it off doesn't
work, not talking to her doesn't work, killing her with kindness
doesn't work...is ignoring the comments the only option I have
left?
#Post#: 863--------------------------------------------------
Re: PA comments
DIR By: Swan Swan H
Date: March 9, 2012, 3:05 am
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I think sometimes when you do not react to those comments at all
they can start to lessen. It's like the words lose their power
to hurt. So that is one option. And might work. But it also
might have no effect.
The other is a bit more of a nuclear one. You tell her that any
PA comment and you will hang up the telephone. And then do it.
And don't call back.
However, that should be used only in the most dire
circumstances.
Good luck and I'm sorry. That is a sucky situation.
#Post#: 868--------------------------------------------------
Re: PA comments
DIR By: aventurine
Date: March 9, 2012, 3:54 am
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I hate to say this since we're talking about your mother, but
training people is the same as training dogs. Consistency,
reinforcement, repetition. Pets or people, the formula rarely
fails :)
Good luck. It's easier said than done.
#Post#: 884--------------------------------------------------
Re: PA comments
DIR By: Giggle Loop
Date: March 9, 2012, 7:42 am
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I suppose yelling "No!" and squirting her with water is out of
the question?
#Post#: 972--------------------------------------------------
Re: PA comments
DIR By: Nerdling
Date: March 9, 2012, 12:51 pm
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Smack her gently on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper?
Unfortunately, it does sound like you don't have many options
left other than ignoring her. Have you ever lost your temper
with her completely, out of curiosity? If so, what has her
reaction been?
#Post#: 990--------------------------------------------------
Re: PA comments
DIR By: G-Lady
Date: March 9, 2012, 2:14 pm
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I've had some luck with slowing my rate of speech and lowering
my volume & tone when I'm having a difficult conversation with
someone, but it's been more effective when people are angry.
(and people are often angry with the gubberment, even for stuff
we don't have any control over, but I digress)
I periodically also have talks with my Mom about digs and
judgmental comments she makes. As I've reached my 30's, I don't
need to have them as often. But everyone once in a while I have
to remind her that when she comments on my weight, my hair, my
food, my husband, my friends, etc in any way that is remotely
negative or judgmental that it just drives me away from her.
But my mother's *fairly* reasonable and has a good grasp on the
concept that actions have consequences. (not saying yours
doesn't)
If you don't think reminders will work, then go with ignore the
comments, ignore her calls, or go ballistic on her. Repeat as
necessary.
#Post#: 994--------------------------------------------------
Re: PA comments
DIR By: PurpleLlama
Date: March 9, 2012, 2:54 pm
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Well, it's your mom and you know how she would react. Would
turning to her with a look of disbelief and saying "Excuse
me?!?" every time do anything to cause her to think about what
she said?
#Post#: 999--------------------------------------------------
Re: PA comments
DIR By: GLaDOS
Date: March 9, 2012, 4:10 pm
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I've been taking Aventurine's advice with my own mother on two
fronts, her criticisms of my husband (which have almost entirely
stopped for a few years now) and unwanted political discussions.
It's harder in person, but if she does those things on the
phone, I end the conversation nicely but right away. Depending
on how severe it was, I'd pull back from calling her as often
(but would be friendly if she called me). When she stayed
positive, I ramped up my phone calls to her.
I hope this doesn't sound mean, but direct approaches ended with
her denying any wrongdoing and making no changes. I didn't
ignore her for months, I would just call her every 5 days
instead of three for example. It's really cut down on both
problems.
#Post#: 1024--------------------------------------------------
Re: PA comments
DIR By: Addie
Date: March 9, 2012, 8:15 pm
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Thanks for the advice, guys. I of course should have mentioned
the important info that we live in different countries and these
conversations are only over the phone/instant messenger. I'm
good with ending the phone call. In fact, I wish I'd thought of
it. ;D
Nerdling, once. She told me just how happy she was that she had
met BF and got to see that I was dating him because I loved him
and not because he's supporting me financially. I draw some
lines at being accused of being a gold digger, TYVM. She started
crying and complaining that I didn't understand her and I was
soooo mean so I left. She's a treasure.
Any advice on comments made in offline messages and notes?
#Post#: 1069--------------------------------------------------
Re: PA comments
DIR By: aventurine
Date: March 10, 2012, 3:40 am
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--- Quote from: Addie link ---
>
> Any advice on comments made in offline messages and notes?
>
--- End Quote ---
That's tougher, because no response can make her think that
either you didn't get the message or that you silently approve.
:-\
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