DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Relationship Resource
HTML https://relationshipresource.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Relationship Articles from Royce
*****************************************************
#Post#: 5--------------------------------------------------
Emotional Fusion in Marriage and Relationships
By: silkchaos Date: October 5, 2015, 9:13 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Written by Royce Adams
"Love in the heart was not meant there to stay. Love is not love
until you first give it away".(and i would add that you first
love without the need or demand to be loved in return)
Emotional Fusion in Marriage and Relationships
Emotional fusion (symbios) is often called or mistaken for love
when after a while of a couple have been together and
"relating". It is not love; it isn't a healthy interdependence
it is love's poor ugly dependent clinging step-sister. and the
antithesis of real love. and it can have
dire consequences for marriage and can be the death of passion
as the marriage ages..Emotional fusion occurs in nearly every
relationship to some degree....in the best and healthiest of
them the effects is minimal and these relationships can be
clssified as interdependant and growing....it is a mutual desire
to be together and sharing life,it is not based on needs or
dramatic demands or clinging dependency...it isn't two half
persons trying to make one whole one but two whole people who
enhance each others lives and creating and growing something
larger...a enduring relationship of peer love,friendship and
companionship.It is two people who when apart can function just
as well as when they are together.
Beginning with our family of origin,we are taught at an early
age which behaviors are acceptable and will result in our
parents expressing their "love" for us. We learn to mold
ourselves into the person our parents want us to be(to gain
their approval) or we risk rejection if the child does not
conform to the family unseen, unacknowldefed script
("conditional love").It can leave a person with no real sense of
self.Later on in life we might rebel, (if the process has been
stopped or not completed at an earlier critical age) and if we
rebel we may be attempting to set ourselves apart and become
distinct individuals to differentiate which is healthy and
necessary for emotional growth. Many go on mistaking emotional
fusion for love (or not even aware that this is occurring) when
the issue has not been dealt with.. Until one day the internal
pressure to become authentic and real (the real pathway to
actual mature authentic love and a passion for life) becomes too
much to bear,some do get help dealing with the issue (through
counseling and therapy) and others who do not can act out
destructively.
Fused relationships can kill of sexual desire
...fused relationship are rather more like to mother and
son,father and daughter relationships or two clones not being
able to find some difference,some spark to add vibrancy.
This need to "rebel",the need to find ones self as a self apart
often strikes women in the 40 to 50 age group (although it can
happen to both men and women at any age) ...and especially if
they have been married and raised families,having come straight
from home and marrying young...it is a creeping feeling of "who
am I..what am I?" "Differentiation" may well be put off
indefinitely because of the grim realities of of just living,
surviving and raising ,and in fact has "put on hold"
particularly for the period that the marriage endures This often
can happen in strict or over protective families where ideally
differentiation should occur...Indeed the process may it not
well known to the famly, many are unaware of the effects it can
have later on in adult relationships.It may have simply been not
accommodated for or may have been outright curtailed in a strict
family of origin thus becoming delayed and deferred to a later
date when a child has grown up and moved away physically from
the family though not in an emotionally healthy way. Symbiotic
Marriage and Relationships can be best described as resembling
the Letter A ( A frame marriages)..when a couple are leaning on
each other to remain upright..( as the uprights in the letter A
are leaning at the top of the letter on the other...When a
couple meet a "fall in love" they tend to merge their identities
and over time tend to lean towards each other and become
hopelessly linked (fusion) and neither feels they would survive
with out the other..this strangely enough is the stuff of many
pops songs/poetry and is held to be real love and the
ideal...Cant live, if living is without you" is the anthem of
the A framers as is the song "every breathe you take I'll be
watching you" is the anthem of the stalker.....Eventually one
partner feels as if he or she is losing all individuality and
self,being smothered...it may be that even though they want the
relationship to continue they cannot tolerate any longer feeling
being owned and subordinating their desires and interests to the
other partners...This is the "rebellion",the struggle as the
dissatisfied partner starts to psychologically separate from
their partner who typically will resist and make many "change
back" messages and pleas....this change to the marriage will
either break it or leads to it's transformation into a H style(H
frame) healthier relationship....where both partners are allowed
to be themselves,each person standing upright and parallel but
honoring the bond that exists between the two,acknowledged and
signified by the cross bar between the the two separate I I
's..there cross bar signifies the couples union and
inter-dependence..
This is a further extension of the process of differentiation as
described at the start of this article (in the context of the
family)...If the bond is not there then the two will end up
living like housemates both leading separate lives and
"together" only under one roof in parallel...in time this leads
to divorce but those who struggle to understand and achieve the
H frame relationship are on their way to a great
relationship.... Of course being yourself in a relationship does
not equate with an unhealthy selfishness and being self
absorbed... "Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in
love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that
grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I want to be loved
by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something
worth loving.
*****************************************************