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Communication Breakdown in Marriage and Divorce
By: silkchaos Date: October 5, 2015, 9:06 pm
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Written by Royce Adams.
Communication Breakdown in Marriage and Relationships
What do you see as the major pitfalls to successful couple's
communication?
What stops listening? What stops open expression?
Here is a small list to start with.....
*Expecting others to know how we're feeling or what we want
without expressing ourselves directly and
clearly,specifically..Expecting others to read our minds or fill
in the gaps... A killer!..misunderstandings can be rife.
*Conflict avoidance--sweeping it under the rug. Conflict
avoidance is often fueled by silly beliefs like "people in love
shouldn't argue or disagree". Perhaps we're fearful of hurting
another's feelings or being hurt ourselves. Some people can get
very frustrated with folks who are constant conflict avoiders.
Some level of conflict should be expected in any relationship
and those relationship that are seemingly free of conflict may
have something else going on in the relationship,i.e a deadening
of feelings or any real emotional investment in the relationship
has stopped. The trick is in how people negotiate these
conflicts. Leaving unsaid what needs to be said is not likely to
stop a divorce from happening but make it more likely.Important
but unexpressed feelings can lead to resentment in the longer
term.
*Anxiety about disapproval and rejection often stops some people
from expressing themselves.... They don't get their preferences,
wants, and desires addressed because they're too fearful of
voicing them and being specific(and sometime with good reason if
the other person loses it in an instant and becomes
reactive,particulary if the person who is 'fearful comes form a
background where raised voices and conflict often heralded the
onset of physical violence). People suffering with
approval-need-itus will be afraid to let others know what's
really happening inside themselves and the real person is kept
hidden. This also is likely to increase the chances of divorce.
*Passive-aggressive behavior, a very indirect and often highly
frustrating way of expressing anger and annoyance.
Passive-aggressive behavior can decimate couple communication.
Passive aggression is sometimes mistaken for conflict avoidance
and vice versa.
*Strong fearful or negative attitudes towards change may block
persons from even asking for it. Here people label their
partners as unalterable, stubborn, always like "that". "What's
the use"?..."They never will" and "they always" and this can
stop them from even trying or they will try ineffective methods
to enact change...this can ultimately lead to divorce too if it
goes on without it leading to change but only to frustration.
*Believing we must not have certain kinds of feelings or express
them. We should never be anxious, envious, jealous, angry, or
down. This leads to an inhibition in expressing how we feel.
Some people who feel angry but lacking a suitable outlet for
that anger turn in upon themselves...the is sure fire route to
depression.
*We become silent martyrs to indirectly get attention. Sulking
and pouting are in this vein. This does wonders for couple
communication. NOT! Complaining, nagging, cajoling, and becoming
a victim are more direct “derailers” of good communications.
Question: How important is communication?
Answer: Often when a marriage is in trouble one of the partners
(sometimes both) will often say "we just can't communicate"
often in the misguided belief that "communication" is "the
problem" however learning to communicate won't of itself stop
your divorce.in fact in some cases it may just make it more
likely or happen sooner. Why?...well there are many good
communicators if it were not for their reactive
behavior(emotional contagion)...teaching people how to express
themselves is all very well but not if it make one partner or
the other possibly both more able to tears strips of each
other.If reactive behaviour first is not got under control then
no amount of "communication courses" will be of any use,this
amounts to putting the cart before the horse. Fact is that you
cannot be "not communicating in a relationship....the slamming
of the door in temper is commiunicating,a sneer and a roll of
the eyes when your pertners says something to you is
communicating your own anger and reactivity
*Focusing on solving problems instead of listening, when only a
listening ear was wanted...This can disconnect us from someone
who is trying to express their feelings and thoughts without a
solution neccessarily being sought.
*Granting ourselves license to say anything we want regardless
of how the other person feels. What we say does have impact.
Some people use their "honesty" to whip others with and to hurt
and belittle without regard to tact nd respect ....They often
describe themselves as "straight shooters" or that they "fire
from the hip"(more like indiscrimantly from the lip)....often
they will say things along the lines of "well that's just the
way I am"....or 'that's me", as if this were an acceptable
excuse for acting like an emotional neanderthal without regard
for other people's sensitivities... this an be a quick route to
the divorce court.
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Question :Is good communication in marriage the one sure path to
a blissful marriage?
Answer: Well no it's not (and i am not suggesting good
communication isn’t very important because it is) however a lot
of other factors impact on a marriage and it is hard to
communicate well if you are reactive or stressed...you could be
forgiven for thinking it so given that so many so called
"marriage and relationships gurus" trot out the hoary old
chestnut of "good couples communication" being the instant cure
everytime a marriage is in trouble.
Some people believe that good communication always means
agreement...and when they cant agree they then think there is a
"communication problem"...nothing could be further from the
truth.Good communication is not always about agreement.When you
are in disagreement it is more likley that you are communcating
well and being clear on just where you stand.Usually an
agreeement can be found midway between the two points of view.
*Blaming our partner and seeing them as the sole cause of a
problem.
*Believing we're absolutely right and the other person is wrong,
wrong, wrong plain and simply wrong,this is whare communication
can break down. Proving a point becomes more important than the
marriage or relationship. Winning the battle becomes everything
even to the point of losing the campaign.
*Blindness to our own behavior. We focus on your partner's
"nagging", yet fail to see that we DON'T..... feed the dog or
put out the trash, and that we DO leave clothes strewn all over
the floor of the bedroom.
*Self-absorbtion and entitlement. Thinking we are the pivotal
point on which the world turns creates large communications
problems.
*Defensiveness. One of he Big No No's. This is where we shut
down listening to others because of the fear of
"criticism".(criticism should not be part of communication
either ,it really is another no no, so lets say constructive
feedback) Here we argue and defend ourselves instead of hearing
the other person out and noticing that there is a kernel of
truth in their statements. (Sometimes many kernels)
* Lack of trust. We wall ourselves off because we automatically
assume we're going to be ripped off in some way or come out one
down in the exchange. This makes communication difficult. You
wont' stop your divorce if you never talk and allow a safe place
for your partner to talk.
*On guard for being controlled. We see being controlled around
every corner. This leads to automatic opposition on our parts
which dampens communication.
*Helpaholism. Compulsively seeking to help when others just want
to be heard. Helps to create frustration.
Question: So what is Relationship communication?
Answer: You cannot be "not communicating" in a marriage or
relationship, just about everything you do sends some kind of
message. Good, bad or indifferent.it means being clear in your
communcation and being clear about what the other is
saying(clarification).It is about respecting the other persons
right to voice their perspective and you receiving it without
you neccessarily agreeing...validation of anothers veiwpoint
simply means you respect the other persons right to hold
it...validation it'self is not agreement but rather that you
have heard and giving thought and consideration to what has been
received
*Hidden agendas. The actual motives for why we want to do
something are not being voiced or are being covered up...
*Global labels and generalizations distort communication. They
can be used to personally attack someone instead of focusing on
specifics.
*Regurgitating the past (both distant and near) can stifle
present communications.
*Making strong negative comparisons between our partner and ex
partners, families of origin can shut down communications.
Labeling them as being "just like your mother, father, brother
who is in the a mental ward, prison and so on...
*Threats block communications. Threatening divorce or mayhem can
shut down communications and before long you will be looking
around for some way to save your marriage.
*Sarcasm. This form of hostile communication shuts communication
down. It demonstrates contempt for another. Contempt is another
huge no no in marriage and relationships.
*Changing the subject.
Being overly placating. This frustrates others because they
sense we don't want to communicate or that we're not really
involved.
*Our minds are elsewhere either daydreaming or displays or
impatience.(finger drumming, foot tapping etc...)
*Selectively hearing only parts of the other person's
communication.usually the pasrt we agree with.
*Stonewalling...the 4th big no no...this is the most voiced
complaint women have about the men they are married to. When it
come to Relationship problems from a women’s perspective often
this is THE "relationship problem".
Differing Definitions..To you playing a game of backyard tennis
might mean two pieces of wood for raquets and an old ball,to
your partner it could mean (they have a mental image of a
net,proper stringed raquets and level turf.a tennis court in
fact)...be sure that when you talk you share the same
definitions and are talking about the same thing. Ther is a lot
of confusion between couples about just what it means to be more
"loving"(they may have mental image here too but may not state
specifically what they would like to see more "loving" looking
like) so you need to be specific.
Conflict avoidence by shutting down communication
can lead to divorce because issues important to the relationship
are not being spoken of.
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