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#Post#: 893--------------------------------------------------
Need advice
By: Nomandor Date: April 20, 2016, 7:46 pm
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Hello, Never thought I would come to join a forum to discuss my
intimate and painful experience I am going through now. You see
my wife asked me to leave her apartment after making me move in
with her. I had been separated from her for about 3+ years but
during that time I had time to make changes in my life and
accept some of the things that bothered me during our marriage.
I was able to win her heart back after going through some
extensive one on one meetings with Mr. Royce Adams may he rest
in peace.
At the time he always told me that " she is not going anywhere
and that although she stated that she does not love you anymore
she is not going anywhere but if she does not get help you will
be back to square one " She did promise me that she would seek
some guidance but never happened. I must say that for almost a
whole year we had the greatest relationship ever largely due to
my changes and acceptance. There was no arguing just loving and
lots of laughter. I was in heaven. She even managed to purchase
a motorcycle to ride with me during this past summer.
We discussed buying a house together, we were actually very
involved working through a real estate agent in locating a house
in Queens ( we lived in Manhattan ).... We really had good
conversations about a bright future together.
I am just confused as to what happened, I don't know why..
I don't want to use the excuse that my wife is going through
that stage in life that women go through but I was always been
supportive and understanding. We would get through this
together. But on March 13th she got up angry from bed and
started to argue with me. I was taken aback and tried to diffuse
the situation but she was not having it. She asked me to leave
and if I didn't she would. I tried to give her space so she can
calm down but to no avail. She refused to sleep with me and
slept in the living room couch.
A week went by with no talking only to ask me when I was
leaving. I told her that I have no place to go , I left
everything behind and all I had was the street. My PC was at her
place and she knew that that was important for me because of the
type of work I do. She proceeded to disconnect the WiFi and
modem and return the cable boxes. At that point I asked my
daughter who is just recently had a baby to move in until I find
a place to live. She said ok but knowing that was going to be
hard on us both. My wife did not care and stood her ground...
It's been over a month since the episode and I have not been in
touch with her only in the very beginning to ask for some of my
immediate belongings. ( still have my belongings there ) I have
been doing the no contact rule since and lo and behold this past
weekend I received two text messages asking me If I can help her
in taking care of her bike? then on Sunday she texted me again
asking me what year was my bike because there has been a recall
on all 2014 Harley Davidsons? What? I don't get it? She also
told me she is not going to file for a divorce after last month
telling me she would so I can " continue with her health
insurance " I am confused and don't have a Royce anymore to
guide and help me understand these mixed signals i am receiving.
Anyone please if you have seen or heard someone that has gone
through this before please shed some light on me. I want to say
that I do still love my wife but not sure if I should move on or
I still have a chance. Please ask me any questions and I will be
more than happy to answer you. Please help....
Thank you
#Post#: 897--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
By: Gloria Date: April 21, 2016, 12:56 am
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I'm sorry you had to come find us.
So, there was absolutely no precipitating event to make her
"wake up angry"?
And what do you mean she "made you move in to her apartment"?
What changes did you make during those years? And did they
"stick" even after you moved back in together? I'm reading that
she did no counseling on her own? You did no counseling
together?
Please post more details, as it seems that you have left out
some stuff. Trust us to help.
Also, did you mean to lock your thread? I can post because I'm
an admin, but I'm the only one. I can unlock it, or I guess you
can, if you want to.
#Post#: 909--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
By: Nomandor Date: April 21, 2016, 10:00 pm
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Thank you for responding, it is so important for me right now.
So what precipitated the event was that I had just woken up and
found my wife watching TV in bed I said good morning went to the
bathroom came back and I didn't want to disturb her as she had
the headphones on so as not to bother me with the sound. I lay
back down and waited till she finished, I heard her put the
headphones down she lay there for a bit I turned around to face
her and she I guess waited for me to hug her? but instead she
immediately got up and said " you never hug me " I said I always
hug you and am very affectionate to you and gave her some
examples of when I do. She got very defensive and that upset me,
now understand that I have not gotten upset with her since we
have been back together although she has given me reasons to be.
She proceeded to berate me and started to curse badly something
I found to be so disrespectful, I was shocked to hear what was
coming out of her mouth. In our past when we argued that was one
of the peeves I had that she would curse at me to hurt my
feeling knowing how much I disliked being curse at. But to hear
it after what and how far we have gotten in our relationship it
was really bad. Yes I was upset and raised my voice for the
first time since being together.
She asked me to lower my voice and I did but then she responded
with " thats right shut your f'n mouth and zip it, now go f
yourself " ??? I was like wow. So at that point I just basically
just ignored her, trying to diffuse the heated situation. After
some time she asked me to leave. I said this was impossible I
have no place to go. She stood her ground.
I know I left out some other details but one that sticks out was
that her cousin had came in from Europe with the intention of
living with my wife not knowing that my wife and I were back and
living together. Now this cousin had the nerve to leave her 2yr
and 4 month old daughters with her American husband and her
Albanian mother to watch over so she can come to NY and find a
job where my wife works in the UN.. Sought of like in a mission,
they get temp jobs with the hopes of getting something
permanent. I know this weighed heavy on my wife because we
discussed the situation and saw her upset that she couldn't help
her.
I noticed that my wife was kind of being pressured from her
family who lives in Boston plus her daughter from a previous
marriage pressuring her about me ( she was against her mother
being involved with me again only because she wanted her mom
only for her on her beckon call ( that's what my wife told me )
I'm sorry I am trying to put it all in but the pressure was
there never the less.. I saw the pressure but maintained an
understanding and supportive attitude. I have always supported
my wife's decisions when it came to her family. ( maybe it was
my downfall? ) not sure....
All I know that once her cousin arrived all things started to
change. I remember one night her cousin asked her out for a
drink ( my wife invited me but I declined so that she could
spend some alone time with her, just me being understanding )
When my wife got back she told me the truth or one of the main
reasons why she ( her cousin ) came to NY. I was shocked to
hear that she ( cousin ) was tired of her husband ( kids father
) and needed a rest, a break??( she left 2 babies there??!! )
that all they did was argue, sometimes when he was nice she was
good and when it wasn't so nice she hated him. That was
upsetting to say the least but it is what it is. I was not the
only who was upset over her situation and the pressure she was
putting on my wife. I do remember that night telling my wife
that thank God we are very happy together and know how to
compliment each other, she then hugged and kissed me and said
how much she loved me. This is why I am having trouble
understanding why this happened to us. I don't want to say that
her cousin, family and daughter influenced her but my wife is at
times vulnerable when it comes to appearances and opinions, Very
much so....
What I meant when I said she made me move out of my apartment,
she knew how much I sacrificed to get that apartment when we had
first broken up. I lost everything, my job, pension, my credit
went down the tubes and literarily was in the street. I worked
my self up again, I went to therapy, got in shape changed my
whole life around. New attitude but the main, main reason I was
able to do all this was with the help of Mr. Royce Adams, you
see I was not on the forum, I worked directly with Royce on a
weekly basis - he is directly responsible for my whole outlook
and changes I made in life. I don't think I would ever meet
someone like that man, may he rest in peace. He gave me his all
and for that I am truly grateful. I was able to to win back my
wife's love and maintained it throughout until this episode.
Please believe me when I tell you this was the greatest time of
our lives together, ever. She would constantly tell me so. I
know that she has to be having second thoughts about her hasty
move and I am hoping that she in time would like to be with me
once again - as you can see I still do love her and am willing
to forgive her and not hold it against her. I am not getting in
touch with her but as I stated in my opening letter to you She
did for the first time texted me. Please give me your opinion
and share your thoughts. Should I reach out to her or wait?
sorry I am lost here, I feel like I'm starting all over again.
#Post#: 943--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
By: arborite Date: April 27, 2016, 5:17 pm
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Hi Nomandor… Sorry I hadn’t seen you posts earlier… but yeah,
talk about a crazy turn of events. I am sorry you had to come
here, but many of us have gone through similar unexplainable
things.
That is part of the thing; as much pressure your wife was under
because of her cousin and family, what really made her do a 180
is impossible to know. Mind reading isn’t a skill I’ve seen
anyone master. Do you feel her behaviour reasonable? I don’t
have all the facts, but doesn’t feel like you did anything to
trigger it, nor any reason to feel responsible for it.
After a month apart… she decided to reopen communications, which
is something you want. Great, keep it casual and laid back…
like Royce used to say BSLI (Bright, Shiney, and Lovingly
Indifferent). The one who wants the R least is the one who
controls it, so it’ll have to be at her pace. You have to let
go of any control, and just make yourself the best person you
can be, for yourself. You’ve done this before... it’s not
like she changed. And that is the one thing that personally
bothers me in reading your situation… she hasn’t changed and
hasn’t made an effort to. But that is that would be a tangent
at this point and time.
Did you ever get a copy of his eBook? I found it quite
inspirational and kept my mind busy, rather than consider all
the “what if’s”… and I could email you a copy if you’d like.
Keep posting and good luck…
ARb
#Post#: 954--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
By: Nomandor Date: April 29, 2016, 8:07 pm
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Thank you for responding. I have not heard from her since the
last text but I am staying focused. Not to sure if I should
reach out to her yet.
I would like to keep it casual but just at a lost for words
right now. Do you think I should wait a while longer to
connect?
I still have some of my belongings at her place so that could be
my in although I really don't need them right now, again I can
wait if I have to.
Just a little advice and your thoughts...
Thank you
PS: if you can send me the ebook I would be very grateful
#Post#: 956--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
By: arborite Date: May 2, 2016, 12:28 am
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[quote author=Nomandor link=topic=24.msg909#msg909
date=1461294048]
I am not getting in touch with her but as I stated in my opening
letter to you She did for the first time texted me. Please give
me your opinion and share your thoughts. Should I reach out to
her or wait?
[/quote]
I don't know if I missed it, but did you text anything back when
she did... or you did not reply what so ever?
#Post#: 958--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
By: Nomandor Date: May 2, 2016, 12:55 am
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Yes I did respond but very light and casual. it was responding
to the alert of the motorcycle recall - I found that very odd,
it sounded like she was trying to reach out to me with something
so mundane. Still not sure if I should initiate a text or email
??? and what to say....
#Post#: 960--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
By: arborite Date: May 2, 2016, 9:40 am
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Spoken like someone with experience... the light and casual
response sounds like a wise choice. I'm guessing nothing
since... and now you are wondering?
She did take quite some time to text you out of the blue the
last time... I'm feeling that it may take a similar amount of
time the next time as well. What are you doing to keep yourself
busy?
What happened the first time around for the R to fail, and what
attracted her back?
#Post#: 962--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
By: Nomandor Date: May 2, 2016, 11:18 am
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Thank you for the response... Well to be honest with you as far
as to what made her come back was that I had made some personal
changes in that I wasn't letting the small things bother me and
knew that If I made those personal changes that she would change
as well, even though Royce warned me that she still needed to
get professional help. She never did.
The first time we broke up was because she had a a very light
fuse, one moment she would be the most loving person in the
world and then in an instant she would flip. Understand that I
helped her raise her two adolescent children who were not easy
to deal with. But I committed to help her during those troubled
times. I times I felt like she did not appreciate what I brought
to the table. I always tried to keep everyone happy and
entertained but I still felt like they were taking me for
granted. I managed through some counseling with Royce in making
that negative to a positive for me.
When I got together with her again I think that she saw that I
was more financially secure and felt more security as a result.
The only thing is my job is seasonal and there is a period where
my income is less so I spend less. I don't want to think that is
the reason but it added fuel to the fire. She did mentioned to
me once that I deceived her in my financial situation but I did
remind her that my work was always seasonal and showed her my
bank statements to prove how when I make money it is good
money... She seemed understanding and even said that we will
make this work. We were loving....
You see my wife has a good job and makes a good income ( much
more than me ) but with the high rent plus providing for her two
college kids it can get sticky for her at times so I compliment
by paying for some of the bills, food and entertainment. Again
not sure if this is a real reason but I always managed to keep
us happy and content as we never had any arguments just small
disagreements but never upset with each other because of that.
It was the best relationship we've ever had and the reason why I
think she probably not over me yet. She has to be thinking of me
and our great times together.
As far as what I doing to keep myself busy is keeping positive
and staying the course with my job and my family but boy I do
miss my wife and hope she feels the same... Should I reach out
to her? yet? I mean I just found a new place to live and need my
belongings that are at her place but again not desperate for
them.. Your thoughts
Thanks you
#Post#: 966--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
By: logo65 Date: May 2, 2016, 4:54 pm
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[quote]w that If I made those personal changes that she would
change as well, even though Royce warned me that she still
needed to get professional help. She never did.[/quote]
Sorry you find yourself here, but if you read the sentence
above, you have your answer. At some point, the other person
has to contribute to the health and repair of the marriage. One
can get the ball rolling, but you can't push it all by yourself.
You gave her a big gift of forgiveness and reconciliation and
look what she did with it. IF You somehow get her "back" again,
and she will do this a third time, because she has no interest
in change.
I'm really sorry, i know you want a fix like before, but what
you need is a CHANGE and to take back control of your life.
Good luck in what ever direction you choose (but my advice is to
divorce her butt - so i will refrain from comment)
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