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#Post#: 266--------------------------------------------------
Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: Fixit2015 Date: November 26, 2015, 8:19 am
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Hi,
I am a returning member from Royce's relationship recourse. I
wasn't able to save my marriage but the forum and advice really
helped me with building my own self esteem and to get through
that period.
Thankfully I moved on and have remarried. My wife is a lovely
person in most ways but we are hitting some troubles and I was
hoping for some advice. Basically, she constantly criticises me
with a number of things which I believe are unfair. Its adding a
real strain on our relationship. Some of the things are based
upon who I am and I don't think I need to change. Daily, I get
criticised a number of times on the following:
1. The way I stand and how my posture makes me look. This has
never been an issue before for anyone else and I am happy with
how I stand. This is a bug bear though and I will be to;d at
least five or six times how I stand or walk.
2. How I eat. Not what I eat but how I use my knife and fork as
well as how I put the food in my mouth. I have asked some other
people about this and they can't believe that I would be pulled
up on this as I am generally well mannered. My Wife does have an
issue in general with how people eat though and picks out a lot
of her friends habits.
3. How I talk. My wife is well spoken and where as I am
reasonably educated I do have a regional accent and drop my H's
a little but I work in a responsible role where if I were to
talk badly I would be pulled up at work. I always talked how I
do and haven't changed. Why is it a problem now.
4. Constant criticism of how I do household chores. I don't make
the bed properly, I don't clean the bathroom properly, I don't
load the dishwasher to her specific instructions or hoover the
house properly.
5. There are also silly, things. We had an argument about how I
tie my shoe laces. Apparently I will snap them for pulling them
tight and she tried to show me how to do it. This is so
patronising as I have been doing them for 37 years.
6. She wants me to take control of situations but won't let me
do anything without watching over me and telling me her way is
best. Surely if the end result is that dishes are clean then
both ways of doing it are right and it doesn't matter if I do
them my way.
She constantly thinks I don't listen and I must admit I've got
to the stage where I switch off as its constant complaining and
making me feel useless. She say's that she has to take the blame
for all of our arguments and I don't take responsibility. I do
say things I shouldn't and my patience is so much thinner now
but it is normally in reaction to the constant criticism. This
is an example of an argument yesterday.
Basically a couple of weeks ago my wife showed me a Christmas
wreath for our front door. Coming up the stairs last night she
said have you seen the wreath. I said yes to which she replied
no you haven't. I returned that I had two weeks ago and she said
I am lying as she had made some changes to it by adding some red
berries. I admitted not noticing this and said sorry. She
accused me of trying to get out of the fact that I said I'd seen
it when I hadn't and was making it her fault. I said no, I had
seen it but didn't notice the changes so I am not lying and its
a harmless mistake. No one is to blame. That caused her to lose
the plot a little and give me the cold shoulder for the rest of
the night. To be honest, I don't really have a strong opinion on
the Wreath, its nice she has made/amended one and I appreciate
she is trying to make a nice home for us I just don't get the
reason to argue.
She is though a lovely person and will do anything for her
friends and for me. She sees a certain duty in being a wife and
makes my lunches etc. To the point where she won't let me do it.
We do generally get on though the last few months have been
extremely stressful for us both. At the moment there is a lot of
love but we are being tested. She threatened to leave and I said
I didn't want her too but that it is her choice and I wouldn't
stop her. She was crying and said I was bereft of emotion (I
tend to withdrawl if I am faced with being hurt).
Anyway, I won't write too much more at the moment but wanted to
see if anybody could help with how I move forward from here.
Thanks
#Post#: 267--------------------------------------------------
Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: arborite Date: November 26, 2015, 11:10 pm
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Welcome back to the boards... despite wishing it were under
different circumstances. That sounds like a very unpleasant
situation to be in… how long have the two of you known each
other, and how long have you been married? Sounds like there
are no children involved?
Unfortunately, I’ll have a somewhat biased opinion given my
previous 2-1/2 yr relationship was with an abusive woman ... so
you’d have to take what I say with several grains of salt.
Hopefully some of the others will chime in... but it is
thanksgiving weekend in the US I believe...
I’ve become somewhat sensitive to continuous criticisms and
belittling... and a lot of what you describe seems pretty
petty. The way your tie your shoes, or use the fork and knife?
Seriously? In my honest opinion (IMHO) it seems it’s more a
statement about where your R is at… than those items being deal
breakers...
Tell us more about the R itself, how you met, what you two have
been through, previous R experiences… etc…
ARb
#Post#: 274--------------------------------------------------
Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: Dharmabum Date: November 27, 2015, 3:38 pm
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my friend, it sounds like you have married my first wife....i
left her because my self esteem was in the toilet and i couldn't
stand it any more. i would suggest counseling, but when we tried
that, it turned into an indictment of what a bad person i was
because of my childhood. but you may be able to find someone who
can help you.
that said, there's nothing that you can do to make her change. i
think that you need to decide how much is worth putting up with.
draw a line in the sand. you don't sound happy, and neither does
she. everything that you said is her issue, not yours. there's
something going on with her that makes her lash out at you like
that.
so, i think that you need to communicate how you feel about the
constant criticism. you can't keep it bottled up. or if you've
done that, seek professional help...lay it on the line that
things have got to change. because in the end, you have to take
care of yourself and your own emotional well being...
Db
#Post#: 276--------------------------------------------------
Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: Echo Date: November 27, 2015, 3:55 pm
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HI
Was she like this before? If not what is going on in her life
that is bringing her stress that she has no control over? I ask
because I can be that way in relationships and it usually isn't
the guys fault.
xox
Echo
#Post#: 278--------------------------------------------------
Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: Gloria Date: November 27, 2015, 9:08 pm
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Really tough situation! Is she OCD in other areas of her life?
It must be exhausting hearing how to behave constantly!
Welcome to the new board. Hope we can help!
#Post#: 279--------------------------------------------------
Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: genaro Date: November 28, 2015, 8:46 am
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Welcome back! Sorry to hear about your current sitch.
It is tough being constantly criticized. I think you threw her
for a loop when you said you wouldn't stop her from leaving.
Certainly, reach out and let her know how you feel when she does
that. Hopefully, she will get the message.
Don't forget the BSLI!
#Post#: 286--------------------------------------------------
Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: Cardigirl Date: December 1, 2015, 1:43 pm
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I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Sometimes people
fall into patterns and don't realize that they are constantly
criticizing someone. To them it's just conversation. No excuse,
but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's not
consciously being mean to you. If she is doing this as a form
of retaliation or out of anger, then to me it's abuse.
[quote]Two important points to remember are that criticism is
often made at a time when a person is angry, hostile, or upset.
At other times it occurs when an individual has been reminded of
something in their own life which represents an area of
weakness, inadequacy, or basic fear. Rather than admit this to
themselves, they often project their fears or inadequacies on
others in the form of derogatory remarks, sarcasm, or critical
comments. Understanding this motivation, the receiver can see
there is not real basis for the criticism. And should not take
it upon themselves to believe that they are doing everything
wrong.[/quote]
[quote]What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate
another human being through the use of fear, humiliation,
intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse
is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in
nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant
criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval
or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically
wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth,
trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is
done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or
under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the
results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse
loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value.
Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating
scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical
ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional
abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations
slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is
incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become
so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the
abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are
worthless that they believe that no one else could want them.
They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have
nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all
alone.[/quote]
By threatening to leave you, she was trying to control you and
hoped that you would acquiesce to what she was arguing with you
about. When you told her that you wouldn't stop her, she decided
that you were heartless, never realizing that threatening to
leave someone is about as heartless as you can get.
I would definitely try to find a professional to talk to about
this situation. You feel there is still a lot of good left in
the relationship, and a therapist may be able to help you find
ways to change up the pattern you find yourself in with your
wife. At the very least, it would give you another point of
view that is not based on whatever your wife is going through.
Hope you're okay and will post and let us know what is going on.
#Post#: 295--------------------------------------------------
Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: Ian Date: December 3, 2015, 7:38 am
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My thoughts are along the same lines as Echo's.
When did the hypercritiicism start?
#Post#: 299--------------------------------------------------
Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: Fixit2015 Date: December 4, 2015, 4:31 am
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Hi,
Thank you so much for the responses.
Things have been up and down but blew up again over the last
couple of days. One where we were sat eating and everything was
good until I was given a strange disproving look and when I
asked that the only answer I could get was "because". Whatever
that meant , I don't know but it caused and argument where I
said it was unfair and I didn't like those games. Hence another
night watching tv alone.
Yesterday's started because I took out the rubbish (trash) and
left the door open for two seconds. It really annoyed her that I
let in some cold (it was really 2 seconds) and it got blown out
of proportion.
She will admit she is hard to live with but she is actually a
lovely woman apart from this. We are coming up to our second
anniversary and have argued on and off over things like this.
After my previous marriage I won't take aimless criticism so
maybe I'm a bit stubborn.
She is quite pessimistic since losing her brother 20 odd years
ago and thinks things turn bad. I am generally optimistic and
think things will eventually work out which she calls naive.
We have had some heartache and have been told that my wife
cannot have children though IVF may help us. We have three
failed IVF attempts so far and may try again though hope and
money is wearing thin. She blames herself and feels guilty that
she is denying me children. She has at times said to find
someone else that can. I have always wanted children but believe
this is a problem we are in together and if we can't then I am
with her whatever. I don't see it as she is infertile but we are
as a couple. She is really hurting over this though and see's no
reason for life or no future without children. She is very close
to cracking and has said she wants to die which scares the fife
out of me.
She say's I don't listen, I switch off to the criticism but try
and listen to the hurt though I think she believes its just her
that is hurting. Its hard to listen when everything is so
negative and generally based around bad things I am supposedly
doing. I came home from work and within 20 minutes had been
pulled up on at least 10 things. Eventually, I snapped and
argued back with poorly timed wit and sarcasm which I know
doesn't help.
She feels I don't love her and that she is wanted but it is
actually her that is pushing me away and I retaliate by
withdrawing. How do I show I'm there but also refuse to take the
criticism. If I argue back she says I am being horrid but surely
I can make my case but also need to trad so carefully in her
fragile state.
Yesterday she threatened to leave (again), I said I love her and
don't want her to but she needs to do what she needs to do, she
didn't leave and has said she loves me too.. I think we love
each other very much but for some reason its falling apart. From
her side it seems that she is pressing a self destruct button
and creating situations where it will all go wrong even though
that isn't what she wants. I don't think anybody has been there
for her in the past and she finds it hard to let go and trust.
She is a very nice person and what I say above makes it sound as
if that isn't the case. I think she is in a bad place at the
moment but I don't quite know how to fix it all.
Thanks for listening and your comments. I think we can make it
but my Wife can't see the woods for the trees at the moment.
#Post#: 300--------------------------------------------------
Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
By: Echo Date: December 4, 2015, 6:30 am
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HI
Not being able to have children, when she knows it is something
you want is HUGE.....she is displacing her upset about this and
picking on you. I am not sure how she feels about counseling or
the like, but that can help.
Other than that I think she needs to be romanced a bit, or
whatever she liked about you. If possible she needs to feel
that she is adequate whether or not you have children.
It is her insecurities that are causing this. She needs a hug
and if she is too rigid in the moment to reach, you need to find
ways to do it. Not like obviously but almost silently.
Does that make sense?
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