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#Post#: 55514--------------------------------------------------
i never really understood.
By: Raven` Date: April 19, 2015, 11:14 am
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You all know me as Raven. The calm, friendly, and
most-of-the-time controlling girl who spends a lot of her time
just sitting on the internet and enjoying life.
Close friends and family know me as Malenya, a small pansexual
cis female who often does things that a cat would do, like
brushing against someone's hand when being pet. (Yes, I do that.
Its a habit of mine, sadly enough.)
And others see me as... well, "her." A short, petite
fifteen-year-old freshman that looks like she could be a
twelve-year-old seventh-grader.
But there is one thing - something that everyone should be able
to tell about me right away. From the way I carry myself, to the
way I let my voice carry to others. I'm a happy person. I have
no problems, I have no issues, I have no reason to be angry at
the world or myself. I love my body, even its imperfections.
Sure, there are times when I'm down. When my parents are yelling
at each other. When my friends are down. But that doesn't mean
that I stay down - its like I have the inability to. I have
affinity towards being happy, and its an extra plus to make
others happy as well. So I do that. When my parents are yelling
at each other, I just sneak into my brother's room, and occupy
him by playing games with him. When my friends are down, I try
to scoop them out of their hole and show them something happy.
It sounds a lot easier than it is, but I try.
So, I never really understood. Self-loathe and self-harm, that
is. Back when I was in sixth-grade, I looked at these two topics
and thought, "Why would someone even think about hurting
themselves?" In seventh-grade, I saw self-harm and thought,
"Well, that's just stupid. Hurting yourself doesn't make
anything better." In eighth-grade, my opinion on the topic
didn't change all that much.
I left out my opinion on self-loathing in seventh-grade.
Because, if I'm being completely honest, I didn't entirely liked
myself then. My hair was always a mess, I didn't talk much at
all, I found a new imperfection nearly every day that made me
want to cover up. In fact, the last couple days of seventh-grade
were incredibly hot - near eighty degrees in the building. Even
then, even with the heat, I wore a thick sweater to cover my
arms. Not because I cut - I have never done that before (not
saying that I never thought about it) but because I just didn't
like them.
That carried on to eighth-grade, but by the end of my last year
at middle-school, I found that every one has imperfections, and
you're more likely to like them if you see them in a different
light. Summer went by, and school came back. Now its freshman
year. At the beginning of this year, I promised myself that I
would get out there more, that I would do more and make more
friends. I can't say I've done much but, hey, I have a boyfriend
now. And I have a ton of new friends to spend time with.
My new friends came from other middle-schools and out-of-town. I
didn't expect to bond with others so quickly, and to be honest I
didn't, but I found myself talking to kids who live a town or
two over, or who went to a rival middle-school. But, here's the
thing about these kids - I don't know their hardships. I assumed
that they were just like Hillside - my middle school - kids. I
was wrong.
You see, Hillside kids, although with their own ups and downs,
were always ready for the day. It would be a lie to say that
cutting, smoking, and sex was never brought up among the
students, but it wasn't brought up often, and cutting was often
just a beginning of the year thing for assemblies. In fact, the
worse thing that happened in that school while I was there was
when a girl was nearly driven to going to a different middle
school due to some guy hitting her, and everyone taunting her
about it. But that was it. And that didn't even last a week.
But no. Memorial kids, South kids, and out-of-town kids all had
their own stories. Their own terrors. I don't really talk to
many South Kids, but I'm dating a Memorial kid and my new
friends are from out-of-town. I would continuously talk about
out-of-town kids, and how cool they are and how chill they are.
But they seem even better than the kids I grew up with - boring,
even. So lets just skip over to Memorial.
I know nothing about their conditions in school - if their
teachers were cool, if they're system was strict. Nothing. But I
know of a few of their kids - my before mentioned boyfriend and
his ex.
His ex is... well, she has been a nice girl. I can't say that my
information about her isn't updated ever since I started dating
her ex. She distanced herself from me, and I can't help but feel
like I've done something wrong. But that's besides the point -
this girl is nice. Shes fun to be around and talk to. But, she
smokes. And she drinks. And she cuts. She told me once that she
even was kicked out of her own home on multiple occasions. She
even disappeared for two weeks straight for rehab. That didn't
work. One time, she left the cafe and came back with a smile,
and I could see that right under her thigh, there was a growing
spot. My boyfriend (we weren't dating at the time, but neither
were they) asked her if she cut, and she just nodded happily.
Like I said. I never really understood the whole self-harm and
self-loathing thing. So when this occurred, I just stared. Just
watched, trying to fix the jumbled thoughts in my head. I
ignored it, because thinking about it gave me conflicting
feelings. I wanted to tell her that she shouldn't do that to
herself, but at the same time, I couldn't. Its her body. I can't
stop her actions towards it, can I?
My boyfriend, before dating, was no different. A month before I
started talking to him, he was smoking. A couple weeks before
that, he was cutting. He straight up told me one day that the
last time he drank was December 31 to January 1. Its disturbing
to think that the person I'm extremely fond of has done these
things, but I've grown to accept it, even though I still can't
understand why. We've had conversations on these old habits of
his, and hes told me many times, over and over, that he would
never stoop to such levels again. But, that doesn't help me
understand, does it?
Now, my close friend. My really, really, really close friend who
I hold so close to my heart recently told me that she hasn't
been eating as much. That she was happy, because she was losing
weight. I can't understand why - she looks perfect to me. But,
she isn't happy with her body because she's "overweight." We had
a full conversation, and ended up pointing out my eating habits
and asking why she can't do the same. Mind you, my eating habits
are effed up. I rarely eat breakfast and lunch, and I
practically eat my family out of house and home the second I
step through the front door. But she eats every meal, every day.
Don't tell me that switching to my habits, but yet still only
eating one meal will help anything. I made her promise me things
to make me feel better, but I still feel horrible because I
don't understand.
There are other small things that happen. My before mentioned
friend once cut because we were having an argument. One of my
close friends recently experiences a break up and has turned to
biting into his wrist to point the pain away from his heart. And
more.
Why is self-loathing a thing? Why is self-harm a thing? Why?
I just can't find a reason. I just can't understand.
I started this with an upbeat attitude - that at the end, I
would understand. That the world's answers would just flutter to
me. That I would be able to bring these peoples away from these
bad habits. But no. Thinking about these only proved some of my
theories wrong.
Self-harm is described by Google as the intentional, direct
injuring of body tissue most often done without suicidal
intentions. That's fine, right? No suicidal intentions, no
worries. But, even then, you are hurting yourself. You are
purposely inflicting injury on yourself. And I can't understand
why.
Google defines self-loathing as to an extreme dislike or hatred
of oneself, or being angry at or even prejudiced against
oneself. The term is also used to designate a dislike or hatred
of a group, family, social class, mental illness, or stereotype
to which one belongs and/or has. I guess this definition more or
less gives reason. You don't like something, so you loathe it.
And there's a chance that its something you are affiliated with.
Or its just you.
But, I want to know. I really, really want to understand. I just
want a simple explanation from someone who has experienced
these. A good one. I want something to look back to when I
encounter these - let that be with someone else, or even myself.
I just want to know.
I want to understand.
#Post#: 55515--------------------------------------------------
Re: i never really understood.
By: puddincat Date: April 19, 2015, 4:18 pm
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I'll try to help you understand. Sorry if this gets a little
long.
I never understood either why people could be depressed. I was
always someone who tried to make the best out of every situation
(and basically ignored all the negatives in life).
I started to get depressed in 8th grade. I've never been
officially diagnosed, but it don't think feeling like crap most
of the time is normal. Most of the symptoms of depression fit
me, and on a "depression quiz" we took in psychology I scored
like a 70 when the majority of my classmates got below 30.
So. 8th grade. I guess a lot of factors contributed to it. We
were graduating, moving on to high school, and most of us
weren't going to see each other again. I didn't want to go to
high school at all. In fact, I've never wanted to grow up. It
stresses me the heck out. I was also feeling really regretful.
There were so many things I wish I'd done differently, and I
hated that I couldn't go back and change anything. I also became
more self-conscious; I was ugly, I had bad hair, and I was too
tall. One of the biggest reasons I ended up depressed was that
the guy I liked at the time was dating someone else. I was
stupid.
That depression lasted until about the end of 2014. I don't
really remember exactly what it was like, but I remember finally
feeling free! I could think clearly, my feelings weren't jumbled
all the time, and I didn't get overly upset about every little
thing. That didn't last long.
In like February or March, it came back. Feelings of
worthlessness, helplessness, and loneliness slowly kept creeping
back in. It was more persistent and more severe than last time.
My social anxiety was also horrible at that point too. At that
time I was in the middle of soccer season and we were rehearsing
for the musical. I felt lonely and incapable in both groups. No
one really talked to me, or when they did it was really brief. I
sat alone a lot, and felt like an outcast. So I just started to
hate myself. No one else seemed to like me, there must be
something wrong with me. I'm awkward, I'm boring, and I'm ugly.
I'm never good enough for anyone.
I also started learning about problems in the world through
tumblr. It made me so angry that there was so much injustice in
the world and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't do
anything about anything! My grades were falling and I was more
stressed than ever, and I felt like I would never be able to
accomplish anything in life. And that I'd never enjoy my life. I
felt like I didn't have control over anything at all.
I never understood why people would cut themselves or why they
would resort to drugs to solve their problems. I think I do now.
When you hate yourself so much, when you just hate life itself
so much, you just don't care anymore. You don't care that you're
hurt and bleeding. You hate yourself. You deserve this. I've
contemplated self-harm before. Never done it, but thought about
it. I didn't want people to see my scars so I never did. It's
just sickly alluring for some reason.
As for drugs, smoking, and alcohol, they're distractions. Coping
techniques. The people I know who do these things have
absolutely horrible home lives, and their other friends aren't
very good influences on them. I can see why someone would resort
to that. I just hate reality so much, it would be great to just
get away from everything. I would never do it, it would
eventually make my real life even worse than it already is. But
I think people get high and drunk because they're desperate to
get away from their toxic relationships or negative feelings.
We learned about depression and other disorders in psych class.
A depressed person sees things as global, stable and internal.
Meaning that if one thing goes wrong, they'll see their world
crashing down, that nothing is ever going to change, and that
it's all their fault. Take it to a biological level and it's
because they're lacking in certain neurotransmitters.
I can recognize that my thinking is flawed. But I can't stop
blaming everything on myself, and thinking everything is
hopeless. Depression is addicting. If I lose depression, I lose
a part of myself. I can barely remember what I was like before
it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad all the time. I laugh at jokes,
I get happy when I do well on a test, and sometimes I just can't
stop smiling. There's just an underlying feeling of being dead
inside that resurfaces whenever I'm alone or when I'm reminded
of how worthless I am. That's part of the reason why it's
sometimes hard to tell when someone's depressed. And I think I'm
slowly starting to find myself and become a happier person, but
I've thought that before and it was always a false alarm, so I
really don't know.
I hope this helps at least a little bit, but I'm really bad at
talking about feelings and explaining things.
#Post#: 55520--------------------------------------------------
Re: i never really understood.
By: FancyCat. Date: April 20, 2015, 1:34 pm
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in the words of onision, "you take something that your parents
put so much time and effort in, you take yourself, and you just
wreck it."
Self-harm is what a lot of people do these days, just to force
all of their problems to temporarily go away. People are driven
to inflicting pain on themselves, because they think it's all
they are able to do.
But most people now just do it for attention. They find some
problem they have, slice their wrists open, take a picture of
it, and post it on tumblr just so people can pity them.
I wanna help people, but first they need to help themselves.
They need to throw away their razor, and take a good long hard
look at those scars. Are they really helping you? Or are you
just making the problem worse?
I think self-harm is just disgusting when people do it for
freaking attention. It's a different story for people with
actual real problems, but just because your mom didn't get you
the Barbie doll you wanted, that does not give you the reason to
slice your flesh open and post it on tumblr.
that's what self-harm is. mostly people begging for attention.
#Post#: 55521--------------------------------------------------
Re: i never really understood.
By: puddincat Date: April 20, 2015, 10:40 pm
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Yeah some people do it for attention.
But even if you do only cut for attention, you're literally
hurting yourself, and if you're willing to do that for just
attention, something's wrong. My psych teacher said that usually
people who take pills or cut are trying to let someone know that
there's something else going on.
Or maybe they are doing it for sheer attention. But there are a
lot of people who feel ignored all the time and really do need
people to pay attention to them. Attention is an actual human
need; people get depressed if they receive less than eight
positive touches a day. So someone who is deprived of kindness
might be driven to cutting themselves in hope of getting pity.
And sadly, you can't just tell someone who cuts to throw their
blades away and think about why they would even do that to
themselves. Their thoughts are distorted, and their emotions
usually cloud their reasoning.
And yeah, there are some people who are crazy enough to cut just
for the heck of it, but we shouldn't just assume that about
everyone who self-harms because there are lots of people who
actually have reasons and need help and love.
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