DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Ravens Wing
HTML https://ravenswing.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: RainClan
*****************************************************
#Post#: 34344--------------------------------------------------
you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of time
By: Rayni Date: October 27, 2013, 8:06 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=georgia]time seemed to be ticking by, insanity
poisoning the young feline's mind. everything seemed to be...
gone. all of her friends seemed to have left her, and she had no
family. the thought of ending her own life had come to mind so
many times, and with every step and breath that she took, she
only hated herself so much more.
it had become a habit that she would hurt herself, it would help
her cope. she felt better if the pain was flaring through her
forearms and not her emotions. although somehow it always went
back to her hating herself. her forearms were already fresh with
blood, some of it dripping down into the stream she was sitting
by, tinting the pure water red.
the crimson liquid that shone on her forearms gave her a strange
form of serenity. like, nothing could trouble her once her flaws
were out there. but once the blood stopped flowing and she
batched up her battered arms the weight fell on her shoulders
again and it was heavier every time. when had her life turned to
sh.t? when had everything happy that she once had just dwindled
away, without anybody (including herself) doing anything to stop
it?
a small rustle in the bushes sent fear creeping up her spine,
but if it was one of her clanmates she needed to clean up her
wounds and make it look like she was attacked. tongue beginning
to rasp over her blood-soaked honey forearms, she felt her heart
beating faster and faster until she could put honest fear into
what she was going to make a fake stutter.
it had been a minute or two, but it felt like an hour. the sound
of the rustle playing her her mind like a broken record.
everything was speeding up, but then leo stopped.
what did she have to fear?
it certainly wasn't death.
turning around, the female eyed the area in which the sound was
emitted from.
"come out from where you're hiding. it's pointless, to hide. one
can only hide for so long before being found. and when found,
it's certainly not fun."[/font][/center]
#Post#: 34350--------------------------------------------------
Re: you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of ti
me
By: Raven` Date: October 27, 2013, 8:21 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
The medic had followed the scent of blood, like any other cat
with sympathy would. But it was a twisted thought to think that
when you are following the blood, you actually hope that someone
is hurt, and no one is hurting themselves. Don't try to deny it.
The thought might get in your mind one day when the smell of
blood is drifting through your camp.
Pheo had to honestly say that she thought about cutting herself.
Maybe once, or twice. But both for idiotic reasons. One was
because she didn't think of herself as good enough for anyone
after a while, since it felt like, since her nightmare, that
others avoided her. Then she hated herself for not spending time
with what she had, not dreading what she was missing. But now,
she knew better. Maybe not as much as Owlfeather, but she knew
not to resort to cutting herself.
The orange tabby didn't mean to rustle the leaves. She was just
trying to get a good look at what was happening before charging
in with the usual, 'what happened' act. But once she saw that
pool of blood trickling into the sparkling river and heard that
distinctive voice... it hurt, just a little. Maybe not as much
as it obviously hurt Leo, but it hurt to think that she though
cutting herself would make it better.
"Why would you do that to yourself?" She asked the simplest
question possible, walking out into the glowing sunlight and
wincing as it shown into hef eyes. "Cutting yourself, I mean."
Phoenixfeather tried keeping the questions away from blaming and
such, not wanting to start an argument.
#Post#: 34379--------------------------------------------------
Re: you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of ti
me
By: Rayni Date: October 27, 2013, 9:06 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=georgia]so somebody found out, huh? well, she
would surely give pheo points for observing, and a few points
for caring enough to ask about it. but instead of hearing her as
a concerned friend, she heard a disappointed one instead. but
nonetheless, she was asked a question and now she would answer
it.
"it helps." it was a simple, clear, and to the point kind of
answer.
licking the area directly around her muzzle, the familiar taste
of blood. so that must have hinted to her bad habit. chocolate
gaze shifting downwards, there were a few spots of blood on her
white claws. leo would admit to herself, she could have been
more observant on these kinds of things, but now what was the
worse that could happen? she'd be demoted? well, if she was then
she would leave. she would have no purpose.
rolling her shoulders backwards she stretched a bit more before
thinking of a question of her own.
"mind if i ask a question too?" the honey colored feline asked,
not waiting for a response before she fired away. "how?" she
paused, taking a breath before continuing forward. "how do you
become happy? you make it look so easy... i've learned that it
isn't."
and the questions hung in the air, like an ugly smog. dull
emotions flickered in her optics that were once filled with such
happiness and joy. her fur was messy, a bit matted but obviously
showing signs of her slipping sanity. it wasn't groomed as well
as even a busy cat groomed their fur.
"please, do explain."[/font][/center]
#Post#: 34415--------------------------------------------------
Re: you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of ti
me
By: Raven` Date: October 29, 2013, 4:47 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Phoenixfeather blinked a few times, kind of surprised. How could
hurting yourself, losing your own blood, help? That would be a
great question to ask Leo, just not at the moment. The medic
felt like something bad was going to happen if she did ask at
the moment. So she'd wait.
But, how to be happy? That was a hard question to answer. She
could be simple and say 'Smile and endur it.', but that wouldn't
be right. Because that's not how she kept her upbeat spirit...
at least she thought she didn't keeo it like that for long. The
red tabby was silent for a few minutes before shrugging quietly.
"You know, Leo, for such a simple question, it is hard to
answer." She murmured, scuffing her paws on the ground. "I guess
I stayed 'happy' just by the cats around me." That was kind of
true. "All that I know is that its not easy. And that you can't
be happy if you come out here, ignoring everyone in camp, and
cut yourself, which I think is a starting sign of depression.
But what do I know?"
#Post#: 34426--------------------------------------------------
Re: you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of ti
me
By: Rayni Date: October 29, 2013, 8:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=georgia]"you don't give yourself enough credit for
what you do know, if you speak like that truthfully. you're a
full medic for a reason, it's because you're smart, resourceful
and nice. you care about others, and you're happy." leo meowed,
her voice going monotone as her gaze flickered into one of a her
best poker face.
the people around her helped? ah, so she needed more friends.
or, to bond with those around her? she wasn't quite sure, her
twisted mind turned their smiles into mocking glares as they
stared at her and laughed. wasn't it that nobody really cared
about her, and if somebody did it was only to criticize or make
fun of her?
she was honestly beginning to think that pheo came out here to
do nothing but criticize her. didn't she see the cuts, and the
blood? didn't she see the pain that drove her to do it? she was
such a good medic, but leo didn't think she noticed.
"i ignore them for a reason. i always thought it was to benefit
others, keep them in their joyous moods." the honey feline
stated, brown gaze flickering to the ground below her. "i'm
always so down. if they're so happy, and i'm so down they're
going to worry about me. they'll fret, if they care. if they
don't? then i feel worse. but i don't want to cause pain for
others. i'm trying to take it on myself to help others. i
thought it had been working," she paused, breathing in for a
moment. "but i guess i really do know nothing."
depression. it was such a funny concept. and what did it truly
mean? was it just a powerful, self-loathing feeling that
occurred? the sense of being alone, and hopeless. was it her
fears that caused it, the things she hid like someone would hide
evidence for a crime?
"i think if this is a starting sign, then there's worse to come.
some has probably already come." the medicine cat apprentice
lifted her gaze once more, resting it upon her former crush.
"i've been doing this for awhile. i don't think i can stop. it
helps, it helps when i feel so much pain. i focus on the burning
of the physical wounds rather than the emotional ones. even if
it's for a small amount of time, i can just avert my attention
away from the heavy hatred i carry. and i don't hate anybody
else, everybody else is so nice. i hate myself for what i've
become. what i am and who i am. how can i even consider myself a
medicine cat apprentice when i spend time inflicting my own
wounds? i guess i need help. i just don't want it. i'm fine on
my own, i always have been."
the female turned around, facing her reflection in the water.
"i'm just... relieved that you're good. you're happy in this
world. you've got friends, family and everything. i'm glad that
you're around to make others happy, and even me before i
became... this. i'm glad that you can make others happy in place
of me. i think the world would be better of if i was dead, but i
still stick around for the show. i stick around so others don't
cry if they find my body, and don't panic if i go missing. i
guess i'm still a bit noticed. not as much as i used to be, and
that's my fault and my fault only. i guess, i just am here. i'm
nothing special, excluding my position. but that's really just a
title at this point. i'm nothing, and i think that's just where
i deserve to be."[/font][/center]
#Post#: 34469--------------------------------------------------
Re: you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of ti
me
By: Raven` Date: October 30, 2013, 8:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Pheo bit her lip and looked to the floor, searching for the
right words or actions. She didn't want to go to sappy or
cheesey, but didn't want to just say get over it. The red tabby
slowly got to her paws and padded closer to Leo, sitting beside
her with an uncertain frown. So she was cutting herself to feel
the pain physically? But... didn't she know that it would still
hurt those around her if they knew? That they would still worry?
Now, the cliche thing to do would be to lift a claw and join in,
being sure to get extra close to a vital vein. Make the other
see how insane this really was. But Pheo wasn't that cliche. If
anything, she was a spin off of cliche. "So the pain... helps
with your emotions?" She asked slowly, feeling so stupid at the
moment. "But wouldn't it feel better to let your feelings be
heard, or is that just me?" She stopped again. This was about
Leo, not her.
"And about the world being better without you... I'm sorry to
say that you are absolutely wrong there. The world would be
better without twolegs. The world would be better without sl.ts
and manwh.res. But there is no way on Earth, StarClan, or the
Dark Forest that even a minute without you couldn't be
terrifying for several others." She slowed before getting deep
into cliche moments, wincing slightly.
After a few seconds, she couldn't help to crack a smile. "I
can't help but sound stupid, can I, Leo?" Her innocent giggle
sounded quietly as she got lost in her own thoughts, and then
brought herself back to the present moment. But instead of
continuing, she kept silent, lips still screwed up in her
ridiculous looking smile.
#Post#: 34543--------------------------------------------------
Re: you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of ti
me
By: Rayni Date: October 31, 2013, 10:13 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=georgia]"if i feel pain on my body, i focus on
that. even if it's for a small amount of time, i don't focus on
the pain i'm feeling inside. i focus on the blood, and the cuts.
and that's all i focus on. sometimes herbs too, actually, but
that's not the point." leo explained, still looking at the
water. all she could see in her reflection was a mess, someone
who had it all but slipped like sand through the fingers of
sanity, sorrow and self-loathing gathering her remains and
burning them.
"as for my feelings being heard... i don't think anybody wants
to listen, nor will they care. and if they do, they'll fret over
me. baby me, 'teach me how to stop,' and 'get me help,' but it's
funny how they would only notice if i pointed it out. nobody
noticed on their own, if they didn't catch me doing it." the mca
said, shrugging slightly. nobody else really seemed to care. it
hurt.
the next statement, it got to her. tears glazed over her eyes
and soon trailed out of them, dripping off of her face and then
landing on the ground, wetting whatever it hit.
"why- why do you think that, pheo? i don't do anything. i'm
nothing, worthless, just a waste of space. i'm good for
collecting herbs, and that's it. i cause nothing but drama, and
i don't deserve the few good things i do have." the femme cried
out, claws digging into the ground instead of her forearms.
and then pheo... laughed. it was nice to hear a laugh again,
after all the sobs that racked in her mind. it began to add up,
and a laugh... it was nice. a mixture of a laugh and a sob
emitted from her now, and although she still cried, she was
smiling.
"funny how the world works, huh."[/font][/center]
#Post#: 34557--------------------------------------------------
Re: you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of ti
me
By: black rose Date: November 1, 2013, 4:42 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
track to read :3
btw, eppy did catch her doing it but the thread we had with that
died :/
#Post#: 34615--------------------------------------------------
Re: you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of ti
me
By: Raven` Date: November 1, 2013, 9:31 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Pheo ignored the first few bits of the monologue, not wanting to
focus on negative points. But she did catch on to the bit where
she thought of herself as worthless and sighed. "Leo, you are
not worthless. You were never worthless. I don't think I could
trust an unworthy cat with a secret that is still unknown to my
very own sister." She stated. "And I don't think that
Eppy--Emptypromises," she decided to stay formal. "Streamflow,
Fairytale, or even Mazey thinks your worthless."
Pheo didn't even care if she made no sense or not at the moment.
Its just that Raven is as tired as crap right now but can't
sleep.
#Post#: 34989--------------------------------------------------
Re: you've been gone for so long [private] i'm running out of ti
me
By: Rayni Date: November 7, 2013, 12:01 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=georgia]"then why do i feel worthless all the
time? i may be trustworthy, but i feel like i have no purpose.
i'm like a dead herb, just... there." leo meowed, still feeling
hot tears on her face. "i- i don't get it. why do you trust me
so much when i'm such a useless cat? i cause problems and- and-"
she just cut herself off as pheo had began to talk about
emptypromises, streamflow, fairytale and mazey.
"emptypromises... we made up, but we don't talk much. i'm pretty
sure he still has some sort of dislike towards me. streamflow
and fairytale don't hate me, but i don't think they want to put
aside time to sort out my life problems. mazey doesn't care
about me as a cat, she doesn't even care about me period. she
likes herbs, and i know them. so if she were to actually talk to
me it'd be for herbs. and she clings to you like you're her
mother... i-i... i'm sorry. my life is a mess and i'm dragging
you into all of this. this is my fault and mine alone, you don't
have to do anything to help me. i'll find something out, i
just... i'm so negative. how do you even tolerate
me?"[/font][/center]
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page