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#Post#: 774--------------------------------------------------
Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: Plato
Date: July 7, 2015, 12:50 pm
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It’s been 6 months since I watched "my entire life" melt down
into nothing. The realization that everything I had ever
thought, done, accomplished, failed at. created, pro-created,
destroyed... whatever, was just an amalgam of programming from
sources stretching back to the beginning of the dream of
humanity was... Devastating. It's one thing to be told this, to
"understand" it logically but to actually watch your life
crumble in front of you and you with it? Honestly it's the
difference between reading about WWII concentration camps and
actually living in one. One cannot understand the melt down of
the Me because the Me is what is trying to understand it and if
theres still a me then it didn't happen... it did happen tho,
what happened? Nothing happened.
To watch everything wiped away in a tidal wave of Nothing, to
realize I never made one decision, one choice, that all of what
I thought of as "me" was nothing but a computer program running
like it had been programmed to do. That there is no "I" there at
all, only the thing I clung to, a raft in a hurricane that I had
no part in creating, that's not me, it was never me, there is no
me and there never has been, I just didn't know it until now.
Like Neo says when Morpheus asks him if he believes in destiny;
"no because I don't like the Idea that I'm not in charge of my
own life". I felt that too and the horrible realization that "I"
never called any of the shots, I was never nor could ever be in
charge of my life, that "I" didn't "have" a "life", that
understanding killed everything, "there is no Santa Claus
Steven". This seeing through the veil completely wiped the
system clean. What now?
From the outside I guess it looked like a mental breakdown,
constant tears rolling down the face of, what? Me? The me I
thought was me? As I watched I could see now that these tears
were sap running down a tree, rain falling from a cloud, bug
spittle dripping from a grasshoppers jaws... I was no longer
separate from these things, I am these things, I am everything
and at that, joy overwhelmed me. The shell that tried to find
unity was gone, in it's place, Unity itself. The life I was
mourning was then in an instant seen through for the entire
fraud that it was, the veil of apartheid keeping beingness
separate from Self.
A series of programs put in place by the dream/Maya/the matrix
and the Self hijacked as the power source supplying the energy
to keep it running, feeling "real" valid, part of a functioning
society, family, career... nothing. Finally, about a week after
melt down my questioning mind just shut off. The moment it quit
was surreal and boring, like there was this loud freight train
of information being processed and all of the sudden "snap" it
was gone, in an instant, silence. For a mind expecting to “get”
something it was quite a surprise to actually lose something,
very anti-climactic. That sound, the noise of my mind constantly
questioning, worrying, creating and sorting a past, dreaming and
manufacturing a future was deafening. A life long Niagra Falls
thundering through my skull and yet I had no Idea it was even
there, until... it wasn’t.
A crazy mind working like crazy to become un-crazy, that
shouldn’t work right? Using a thorn to un-pluck a thorn? But
then suddenly one day, “Click". System overload. Disc crash.
Silence.
The wheel keeps spinning tho, years and years of energy poured
into the system, no wonder it takes 10 years to sort it all out,
to re-learn how to be. I'm only 6 months into this but
thankfully I started following my self 23 years ago, some of
what I deal with now is easier, simpler because of the work
towards adulthood done before all this nothing happened.
programming and patterning doesn’t stop spinning overnite but
the energy that was once turning that turbine has been
redirected and is now being used for assessment, consistent
inquiry and release of the nothing I once thought was
everything. The dis-mantling of Frankenstein's Monster. It
continues, awareness deepens as old patterns continue to be seen
through and then fade away, like ghosts from a nightmare
evaporating in the crisp morning light, nothing false survives
the brilliance of awareness. I'm learning how to walk again.
It's challenging dealing with others, I'm learning to keep my
mouth shut, I don't have much to say anymore as it's impossible
to express "this", it all seems like nothing and it's never
understood anyway.
It’s entertaining reading about people trying to navigate this
transition at the Invisible Guru, the focus on releasing
importances seems like good work but thats not toward this, you
can't work for this, except maybe obliquely, like the work on
"myself" decades ago, releasing importances is a prerequisite
for Adulthood but when the power energizing the “Me” is tuned
off, importances fade with it, just a byproduct of no "me". Over
here there is no longer an untethered mind listing and
categorizing them from 1 to 1000. That auto pilot is gone. In
it's place is silence, chopping wood and hauling water. For this
being that equates to; squeezing paint and applying to canvas, a
pretty simple state of being without all the fanfare I once
celebrated and created to aggrandize and validate a "me". It's
amazing how it just moves along without me and how truly
beautiful and enjoyable the process of being while doing now is.
In it’s place is a desire hierarchy, actually more like a choice
index. It’s super complicated, lol not really, there are three
buttons; Yes, No and Release, when a thought arises, a choice
occurs. Nothing is important, no choice is right or wrong, no
clutter, no ruminating just being. Because I am not run by
desire for pleasure or it's extended equivalent happiness, there
is no energy on the choices and the thoughts that arise now.
They now comprise a more immediate form, time has collapsed,
there is less "past' and "future" in the thoughts and more of
what is happening in the moment.
Am I always happy? I wouldn't call it that, more of an
equalization of sorts, it's a continual peace in knowing that
acceptance of what is, is abiding and becomes a communion with
God/Source etc.. Is it better? Infinitely so. And the dream
world I've left behind? Parts of it are fading, incrementally I
am forgetting the "who" I was and how it was to think that way,
to believe my painful thoughts as a separate entity, to be
constantly on guard, shoring up my belief systems against
attacks from "others". Now I am "others' and they me, I started
out feeling like a droplet alone in a desert, When I learned to
love myself a little I began to feel like a droplet just
separated from the ocean, believing in that ideology I felt
"evolved".
After "I" melted away 6 months ago I became the ocean, a
hologram encompassing every aspect of existence, which I truly
was all along, the separation a simple lie created by my own
adherence to the Dream and coloring every perception, validating
and compounding the egotistic belief in "me". Simply put, I am
now "the peace that passeth all understanding"... if not, the
sensation is so foreign at this point that I am instantly aware
that a "me" has attached to a thought and has made a judgement,
that awareness is all that is needed at this point to recognize
and release the thought and return to equanimity, as this
deepens it will happen less and less frequently and the speed of
release will eventually be instantaneous.
I do not seek the truth. There it is, the reason 99% of seekers
will never experience this, they seek the truth but truth cannot
be "found".
Seeking is a seekers role and the world is full of seekers, I
was a seeker, for 40 years. What changed? Who knows, one day I
had a million questions, the next they were gone, irrelevant,
like the "me", they went up in flames (except it wasn't that
dramatic). What took their place? Space, silence, essence,
things I was oblivious to have now taken center stage, the flow
of wind across my face and the wisps of it pulled into my lungs
then rejoined, the sound of baby birds in their nest. What once
were occasional anomalies that created spiritual gaps in the
turmoil of existence have BECOME existence and are now my bread
and butter. Being an artist I was always sensitive to the
subtleties of nature, amazingly so compared to the average
commuter headed to a cubicle somewhere but this; this is
different, there is no longer an "I" experiencing whats "over
there". this is important, the wind flowing in and through me,
is me, I am it, we are one, except there is no "we" involved. I
don't expect this to make sense. As I listen to the baby birds I
am them, I experience their experience in the tree above me, my
awareness deepens as my connection deepens and I have no
opinions of any of this, how could I? I am it. The critic is the
antithesis of this.
Transfer this state to my recent stay in jail, initially what
came up for me were ALL the thoughts, judgements and opinions I
had accumulated about jail and the people who reside there, even
my supposedly well informed opinions from my two years of
teaching at the State Penitentiary. All of these opinions were
wrong and I knew it as they arose, I spent a lot of time there
releasing long held beliefs, opinions and judgements about jail,
and the people there, this releasing encompasses much of my
existence so far. By the end I felt connected, I didn't want to
leave and there was no "trying" involved, it's automatic, the
space is generated from a lack of "me". I now know how Christ
was able to commune with people that everyone else shunned, even
his apostles. It's all a part of living "in" but not "of" the
world.
So, I do not seek truth, I release opinions, ALL opinions since
none are true and if I hold an opinion Whap! I am immediately
sucked into the dream state keeping me from Unity. Releasing
opinions creates a space of equanimity, here I am truth because
nothing taints the experience, the screen is clear, nothing
demands it be one way or another, anything is possible and I am
separate from nothing, I am that. One.
"To know one is nothing is wisdom, to know one is everything is
Love, between these to two places I reside." -Nisargadatta
#Post#: 775--------------------------------------------------
Re: Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: justin
Date: July 7, 2015, 6:38 pm
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Dear, wispy dreamstuff I call Steven.
I'm going to launch into massive speculation in order to
navigate here. But I read this word for word. I've never met
you. I cannot confirm you exist and I cannot confirm you do not.
However, I know you and I are not separate in any way shape or
form. I pretended for a while that there was a you and an I with
differing ideas. But, and here is the doosy, I imagine that it
was all a process an evolution. Having read this, if I did,
brought on a perception that I will call pure gratitude for you
and for the non journey I/you have made. I'm choking on bull****
here as I try to put words to an imaginary scenario but thank
you for everything. For the part you played. For you perfection.
You/i/this has always been perfect and I love you/i/this for it.
I'm going to pretend for a few more moments that this non
journey has been a hell of a ride and just say thank you thank
you thank you. I really have nothing more to say except for I
love you and take care.
p.s. sorry that this is not very well thought out. I don't waste
much time there anymore.
p.p.s. you are an excellent writer and very articulate. I
apparently am not.
P.p.s.s? Or is it p.p.p.s? Love ya.
#Post#: 776--------------------------------------------------
Re: Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: Plato
Date: July 7, 2015, 10:53 pm
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Hey Justin,
You are as real as anyone else in my dream, maybe more so since
we see through the dream as one. Thank you for posting, your
voice is always a welcome respite to the standard humdrum of
daily conversation, always something to ponder when you join the
party.
One of the things that went bye bye for me in December was the
desperate need I felt to write in the third person, like there
was going to be a test and if I didn't write things from a
certain position it meant I didn't "have it". Once the hammer
dropped, none of that mattered anymore just like it no longer
mattered where I was on the Enlightenment Continuum. Whatever I
write is wrong, everything written above misses the mark by 180
degrees, nothing can be said that remotely comes close to how
this feels, and yet, I really enjoy trying lol, just what I feel
like doing.
I didn't think anyone was hanging here anymore, so I was just
writing, trying to solidify what it feels like now in some form
or fashion, I've been searching for it visually through my
paintings for years but from a "I think I know something"
position versus the current "The only thing I know is that I
know nothing" position, not sure what those paintings will look
like yet but I'm exploring it along with the verbal meanderings.
One thing is that it freed me up to paint some portraits, been
terrified of that for years but that fear just evaporated, it's
been enjoyable exploring new ground that way.
You're welcome I guess, I thought I gained so much from our
"evolution", in every interaction someone can be a guru to me if
awareness is present, I learned much about "myself" in our
interactions, I thought that what I was doing was learning and
growing, that eventually through Jed or someone else I would
learn enough that I would hit a tipping point and roll over to
done, pass through the gateless gate.... Little did I know how
far down the wrong path that thinking was. Thankfully a couple
of small moments where I was brutally honest about myself opened
a door for me to let go of everything I was clinging to, my
unity consciousness moments were the final key, when i threw
those fuckers out to the curb, immediately everything started to
unravel, they were like the keystones of my spiritual ego, once
they were gone everything came tumbling down, me included.
I don't buy your criticisms of your writing ability, just write,
let it be what it is, like I told my daughter about drawing,
your reward is the process, the result isn't for you, don't
dwell on it other than to glean what you will work on in the
next effort. The same goes for writing, do your best, don't
agonize, just move on. besides, Ive got decades more practice
than you :)
PS. Love you too.
PPS. I like being called "Wispy"
#Post#: 777--------------------------------------------------
Re: Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: rgardner
Date: July 10, 2015, 3:52 pm
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Dear Justin and Wispy,
I do pass through here often, but rarely have much to say.
I have gotten to a non-seeking spiritual state (between noneness
and oneness). Just following a smooth pleasurable forward path.
I, too, have enormous thanks for you (Steven) being part of my
seeking help (the point to Tom Campbell's My BigTOE), plus your
own rants.
Many thanks,
Ray
#Post#: 778--------------------------------------------------
Re: Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: Plato
Date: July 14, 2015, 9:58 am
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Good to hear your voice Ray, nice that you are planing above
water at present, I hallucinate (Jed speak) I know what you mean
lol.
Enjoy!
Steve
#Post#: 1133--------------------------------------------------
Re: Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: Plato
Date: September 9, 2015, 11:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Back from the show in Oregon, quicker trip than planned as I am
excited to get the workspace moved to it's new home, an old JC
Penney's building (built in 1921) in the small mining/railroad
town of Helper (Pop. 2,160), a 50 minute drive SE of here. Flow
is happening, seems I have hit some rapids at the moment,
enjoying the ride...
#Post#: 1134--------------------------------------------------
Re: Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: rgardner
Date: September 9, 2015, 3:54 pm
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Saw the post, and wondered: WTF is the background. Looks very
cool. I'm a flatlander.
I may have to come visit that way. ;D
#Post#: 1135--------------------------------------------------
Re: Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: Plato
Date: September 9, 2015, 10:33 pm
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Come on over RG, the Rockies and particularly the Wasatch Range
where I live is damn shocking to most flat landers, many just
can't leave once they've experienced it ;)
#Post#: 1137--------------------------------------------------
Re: Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: Plato
Date: September 16, 2015, 10:14 am
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There is a space between "doing" and "being" that I (the
body/mind) is currently negotiating. While the move to a new
physical space takes place there is also the constant deepening
of awareness space, this tends to be challenging as there is a
tendency for the body/mind to find conflict between the two, at
which time I recognize the mechanism of Control trying to insert
itself into the mix. To assuage the mind's uncertainty.
It's not a foreign feeling, this desire for control, as it has
been a core companion most of my existence here, but it is an
unwelcome guest now, just an illusion trying to manifest itself
as purposeful, helpful, necessary... It is quite a trickster,
Control. Shows up whenever something unknown appears, seducing
an "i" with it's promise of answers to questions which were
never asked and don't exist, questions which are the dinosaurs
of another existence, prior to now.
Questions seem a natural component when engaging the dream state
and those in it, it all can seem SO real and within that seeming
sense of reality resides the unpredictability which if
wrongfully acknowledged as true generates a desire for control
over it, the control that all dream characters are grasping at.
What a web of deceit! All of it a complete fiction placed by
fear of the unknown.
So how does one engage these graspers without grasping as well?
Awareness. The space just behind all of it, the space that
watches it all happen, the knowing of the unknown, the
understanding. "Hark ye, the little lower layer" as Ahab puts it
to Starbuck. The dream is tricky because "I" is the dream, here
is where, if there is not a 100% commitment to truth, it all
falls apart again, no matter one's level of "understanding".
It is the reason I comes here, to sort it out when it becomes a
bit sticky, to make sure the blade remains sharp. When control
raises it's beautiful and enticing head, the sword must be at
the ready, for to cut my own head from my neck is never an easy
task, a dull blade makes it impossible.
#Post#: 1145--------------------------------------------------
Re: Post Apocalypse Thread - Random thoughts on life after (my)
death
DIR By: penks
Date: September 18, 2015, 2:01 am
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Hey, guys :)
Thanks for the warming words, Steve... You are getting better at
this thing, you know... writing :D May be save me a copy from
your first book, please! :)
You do raise a couple of points that I was hoping to discuss
with you, so may be I will be getting to that e-mail now,
finally... Glad to see you are still out there! :)
See ya soon!
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