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#Post#: 4519--------------------------------------------------
voidworx
DIR By: biisuto
Date: May 5, 2019, 9:13 am
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Apologies in advance, this is a really rambling post, so feel
free to tl;dr, as I wrote it for my own benefit…but also to
shift emphasis to the meatspace stuff we've been (I think)
trying to marry to all the headspace stuff.
Until recently I've been really flat-chat here (for me), with
the uptake of my new BA job in early March. As with most of the
work I've done, I enjoy it but this time it's a means more than
an end. It's really quite a cutthroat environment...I'm glad I'm
staff now, instead of the usual external consulting, which was
always even less forgiving. But it's a flexi 7.5 hour day and
when I'm not there I spend about zero time thinking about it.
I don't think I'm doing much different to you J(…perhaps with
less energy and ambition, by the sounds of it.
I'm square in the middle of a life, in the heart of the
self-improvement industry itself...kind of. A former teacher
turned change manager, my work has involved helping
organisations to look inward and then forward, to enact change
that will help them to "do better" - however they define that
term. Now I have just one employer, by design.
I also work on the me I know does not exist and spend a good
deal of time here thinking about the 'meat' part …often far more
than the 'space' part, in fact, which is why I continue to
vacation in meditation and Alan Watts lectures.
Starting from the primary launch vehicle: since the New Year,
I've dropped 12kgs from a science-based eating regime pioneered
by my nutritional scientist wife (- f^ck, let me introduce you:
her name is Natalie) and been trying to get to more than 2
Brazilian Jujitsu sessions /week for my fitness and the
interesting physical and mental chess game it is. I started in
October last year at my son (Mason)'s recommendation He's also
my chiropractor and he says it's great for my spinal health…but
I suspect it's so he has an arena where it's ok to choke out
your ageing dad. I did karate for 17 years and we did it
together in Japan when he was a boy, so it's a nice reprise of
that.
I also get to the gym once a week...even some light jogging, now
my groin injury (yep, from BJJ, early November) has pretty much
healed....have to get back up to a proper routine quickly
though, as we're moving into winter down here and if it's too
cold I'm betting I just won't go out, opting instead for a warm
fire and a glass of red or whiskey.
I think I mentioned that I dropped my radio show. It was for two
main reasons: one, to create more space and two, because I
haven't resources to produce the show I want within the weekly
format demanded by radio stations ...this now surplus space was
not freed to fill with other, different kinds of nonsense (lol,
of the type that immediately filled it, before I even realised
it was happening) but so I can enjoy space for its own sake:
come and hang with my inner guru, talk about what to do with
this being awake on a sleeping planet thing.
For a few years I thought mental health, perhaps Counselling,
would be a natural marriage of my professional and personal
skills and interests and a way to pay forward the awakening that
changed everything without changing a thing. But that idea kept
snagging on something: that there isn't anything wrong. And to
keep looking for what 'shouldn't be happening' is a very strange
lens through which to view the world.
Steve, you have your art, but here authenticity fingers no brush
but this keyboard when I go within and keeps bringing me back to
spraying pages with squiggly lines. It's my deepest form of
meditation, allowing me to reach deeper than any other
externalising device I know…it's like art or something.
In a bigger sense, I woke up too comfortably ensconced in this
amazing life to destroy it as some dumb test of purity or faith.
I was doing that before anyway, based on my inherited
assumptions about what and where I am. Life is inherently
meaningless, true, but thinking people know that isn't bad;
rather just that we're all just making it up as we go.
Some wake up to this sooner than others, that's all - and I
happen to be a late bloomer. (Justin, I'm very curious to see
where in your meatspace life you take this thing we talk about
here, having started as young as you have.)
But I've also noticed that, in the fur-lined rut of this latter
mid-life existence, I've become a little too comfortable with
knowing where my foot must fall before initiating further steps.
That's demonstrating very poor faith in the great WHATEVER that
contains this island of awareness I know as 'me'. Especially
given the impossible number of variables that REAL
self-determination dictates I should be controlling for, if
control were a thing.
…Such poor faith.
But fear of uncertainty is the death of space and I really,
really like space.
So making more of it has seemed (literally, by the process of
elimination) the natural objective…simply by refusing to
actively pour things into it as other things naturally fall out
and all the other house cleaning.
The movement has been hinting strongly that I wait and watch.
Something is afoot, that feels like I could easily miss, but I
know that's just an illusion. Nobody misses anything.
I've archived all my notebooks and stopped logging my 'pipeline'
of potential program materials… the diverse and heavily
metastasised backlog of things I wanted to generate content
about when I had a platform to do it.
I lightened my wardrobe by about 50%.
I've been spending more time with my family...especially my
granddaughter, Ivy (18mths), and my lovely, lovely daughter,
Mika (23), who last week broke quite amicably with her fiance
and seems happier for it. She moved home till she decides her
next move. Natalie and I've been keeping ourselves available for
her, but since the break she seems fine…I've also accepted the
invitation to help Natalie prepare for a product launch for her
business. Just grunt work, mostly, which is perfect.
Until now, I've been intent upon catching up on my backlog of
reading. In fact, I had a thought that all this space I've been
clearing in my life over the past many months was for the
purpose of making better use of my kindle, which has at least 80
books I've not more than skimmed so far. (I took Jed's advice a
few years ago and bought Mortimer Adler and Charles Van Doren's
"How to Read' - it's been a great investment and has led me to
create a book assessment template that trained me to more
intelligently sort and process - and sometimes even read - the
books I've always loved and accumulated).
But instead there is something seemingly miraculous that has
popped back out from the void, that has me really clearing the
decks - with purpose now - and doubling back to a much older
project that I mothballed years back…
About 25 years ago I started writing a novel, with which I was
very much in love and spent many months labouring over the first
22,000 words …before the business I was starting at the time
really began to take off. Always thinking I'd get back to it, I
put it aside to instead spend the next 12 years building the
business, raising my family, returning to Australia, selling the
business, moving on to the next thing…and then the next…and then
the next…and here I am in 2019, nearly twice as old.
I've looked at and read through it a number of times in the
intervening years, but never done more than tweak or add bits
and pieces. A genuine piece of me, I've never forgotten it. How
could I?
But I've also never seriously, cock-on-the-block, undertaken to
finish it either.
A couple of synchronous events brought it back into sharp focus
- but only after I undertook to consciously create this space in
my ongoing and continuous busy-ness - doing it consciously,
instead of as the result of a breakdown.
Also unlike a breakdown, I was doing it by choosing which of a
field of competing things I was really enjoying that I would
give up, put aside or just stop doing. For example, first to go
was the movie review gig I'd had for over 2 years, that had me
attending between four and 10 pre-release media events a month -
watching new movies and sipping champagne in exchange for doing
a write up afterwards (if I liked it) and a weekly spot on one
of our state's most highly rated daytime radio shows.
Next was my consulting business. I expended a lot of energy and
landed myself a continuing role in a government finance
department, my first real staff job since 2007 - so no more
hustling for contracts.
The final straw was the mental health radio show, that was my
pet project. I'd been shedding other things thinking that the
space I was creating, for reading the books backlog, was
happening so that I could finally spend the time working on the
show.
But it soon became apparent that it had to go too…and I took
that one on pure faith, because it just occurred to me, the
night I was doing what turned out to be my last show, and I sent
them my resignation the next day, effective immediately.
No, instead of just the toe I'd been maintaining, I wanted both
feet squarely in the void.
I said there were two events that led me to right here. Although
properly synchronous in its own right, the first escapes me just
now. But it opened the door to the second, which totally
eclipsed that and is quite cool:
I'd bought a copy of Jed Talks#2 when it was published, some
(many?) months back. A great series of little essays, in Jed's
own style. I chose it as the first book I wanted to read in this
Great Kindle Clearing Project. I opened it for the first time
less than 2 weeks back, while on Easter holiday...and one essay
in particular stood out (from what I've read so far. I stopped
after reading it), about the journey that Francis Ford Coppolla
had to take, in order to become the guy who was eventually able
to create the masterpiece that is…
[center][glow=red,2,300]Apocalypse Now...[/glow]
HTML https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIUIefO_2x0.
[/center]
...Back to the synchronous bits. There are two in that essay:
the first was quite incredible and spoke directly to me: that
Coppolla had begun an epic project for which he really wasn't
qualified to do justice when he started. He didn't know that
when he started, but the journey itself made it apparent to him,
as it unfolded. And so he just kind of stepped off, into
freefall and a perilous and arduous odyssey ...over the duration
of which he endured many extreme hardships and by which he was
forged into the guy who was thus enabled to create what has been
universally lauded as a cinematic gem.
I'd already been pinged at this stage, remember, by the first of
the two synchronicities, right in the middle of my void work,
that was serving me by pretty clearly saying, "Pay attention!".
And now, there was something so pointed that Jed was trying to
tell me in this particular chautauqua…something very personal,
that I was somehow missing…
And then it hit me so hard that I actually gasped, like a punch
in the guts.
The stupid story I'd mothballed all those years back…it came
flooding back to me…was in fact inspired directly by Apocalypse
Now. I'd watched the Redux version when it came out on video
while I was living in Japan, which was years after having seen
the original. I watched it precisely because I had previously
seen the very documentary, on Japanese TV, that Jed was writing
about…and after which I went all the way to Maruzen, in Nagoya
(then the only English language bookstore in the Chubu Region)
to buy a copy of Heart of Darkness, from which the idea for my
own novel as born.
This was in 1994, 25 years ago.
I was 30 then and 55 now.
Since reading that, I pulled out my novel and all of its
associated notes, versions, updates, etc., and have been setting
myself up to once again begin working on it.
Like the good Doctor Jung, I don't believe in coincidences. This
is my project.
I'm kind of nervous about it, actually. I made myself stop after
the gut punch and sit on it for a couple of days to digest
it…but there's no mistake. This is it.
The name of my story is called, Heartful Darkness.
With your indulgence, I'll check back in here periodically, to
shoot the sh1t and catch up. What are you guys working on? Feel
free to start another thread, or ignore this one entirely.
Steve, I wanted to look you up in the Easter break, but would
still definitely like to chat again.
#Post#: 4520--------------------------------------------------
Re: voidworx
DIR By: Plato
Date: May 5, 2019, 2:57 pm
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So much meat in that post, it resonates here (have we really
been discussing all this for years and years?). When the void
came here, just over 4 years ago now, I stumbled off to a new
area, started living in this JC Penney building in a boarded up
town that had basically been left for dead. It was easy to do in
that space, everything had become nothing and fear was very far
away, I just wanted to be alone and enjoy it...
Nearly 4 years later I look around at a town that has risen like
a phoenix, property values have nearly tripled in that time,
I've been living contentedly with a spectacular woman who fits
my idiosyncrasies so tidily that it's almost terrifying. I
recently sold my old house that I moved here from and have
purchased (or am in the process) three properties with the funds
that should help feather my nest as time rolls on (a 4plex, a
home and a 40 acre parcel in the canyon nearby).
I've taken on a project to re-create a plein air painting event
in October which will test every part of me to make it a success
as it's not really in my wheelhouse or skill set... growth a
coming I guess...
What the fvck has happened?
I have created a Gallery that I feel responsible to have open to
the public, a bunch of stuff I have to pay taxes and insurance
on and worry about repairs and maintenance and renters... A
partner who brings her own batch of these things to the table...
WTF happened?
Haha, Oh, it's this meatspace thing, yes I have the skills to
navigate all this, do I want to? some days sure, others, not so
much.
What would I do if I dropped all this? Seemingly, based on
history, I'd just start it all again. Seems this is what humans
like me do, what I've been programmed to do. I just do it so
much better now, having shed the motivations that were behind
the other various iterations, it's cleaner now, more enjoyable
and without the fear of it all going away. still juggling but
not worried so much if a ball drops here or there.
Feels like I'll play this game for another couple of years and
then cash in my chips, probably build this container home on the
40 acres and just be... a painter? a writer? a reader? a
grandfather? ... Guess I'll just rise to what calls me ;)
HTML https://www.autodesk.com/redshift/shipping-container-home/
I love what seems to be calling you Mike, seems perfectly suited
for your incredible abilities! Can't wait to peruse your
handiwork. Love to chat anytime you're up to it.
#Post#: 4522--------------------------------------------------
Re: voidworx
DIR By: j(
Date: July 19, 2019, 11:11 am
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Sup dudes! Been a minute...Really good to see you guys diving
in.
What I'm doing really only pertains to the day life of a human
being which at times can be boring and monotonous if not just
flat out exhausting unless you can learn to enjoy it. What I'm
focused on now is the 'how' rather than the 'what' I'm doing.
I'd gone really full bore to the extreme side of the coin for a
while which was the pendulum effect of not properly developing
and nurturing a sense of self in the first place which lead to a
state of apathy after encountering all the advaita hubba balu.
All the will power stuff is great in one respect but at this
point it's all about balance for me.
I actually read a book about chakra healing which outlines the
predicament and opportunity for growth in front of me. I was
introduced to it as a prerequisite read for a holistic health
class I'm taking out of interest. I was skeptical about the
intangible nature of chakra balancing but that there is the
exact reason why it was a good read for me. As an archetype at
the crown chakra you've got the guru and the egocentric. I went
a bit far to the one extreme which has manifested its self in
many ways through dysfunction in certain areas such as the
illusion of total control. What I need is to let go and allow a
bit more. Trust in the intangible nature of intuition over the
mind and divine intervention rather than self determination and
to know that my mind is not capable of calculating all the ways
in which a scenario may play out freeing up my need to control
and manipulate the majority of things. Do I still make the
efforts towards particular goals? Absolutely. But I also dont
have the white knuckle grip on everything either. Ya know, give
her a good try but to always let go and let god…
Anyways, it seems that we've had that discussion here already
under a different context but this is a theme that continues to
replay itself in my life (balance) and so something would
obviously like for me to pay attention. The little girl is
great! She's so beautiful and funny. Knows the word no already
lol and just about to be walking!!?? Holy smokes time flies.
Hope y'all are doing well living and loving your lives.
My absolute best to you.
#Post#: 4523--------------------------------------------------
Re: voidworx
DIR By: biisuto
Date: July 19, 2019, 9:43 pm
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Hey J( just a reply to say I’ve been notified (finally!) and
will circle back to read this later today... have some
shareables too, I think.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
#Post#: 4524--------------------------------------------------
Re: voidworx
DIR By: j(
Date: July 20, 2019, 12:52 am
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Hey Mike! Not sure if there really much to comment on regarding
my post. I guess what's important to me is that I stop by to
thank you guys for your patience with me over the years. That
I'm still learning, growing and refining myself. Understanding
that I'd gone off on alot of tangents. Thought that I'd figured
it out many times rather than humbly inserting the next piece of
my puzzle. I'm getting there little by little. Every day making
progress. No hurry to get to any destination but fully enjoying
each step and embracing the journey. I just love the way this
thing called life unfolds and wanted to express my gratitude to
both of you for being a part of that.
#Post#: 4525--------------------------------------------------
Re: voidworx
DIR By: Plato
Date: July 20, 2019, 6:34 pm
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Nice 8)
Sounds like someone is engaged and enjoying the rides, the
carnival of life is so awe-inspiring, so many enjoyments. I love
that you are fully embracing it and your new little person, I'm
sure she is such an enhancement to it all... enjoy enjoy enjoy!
You won't need to totally embrace the darkness as long as things
go well and I think for many there is never a need for it, I
would have liked that ride, the happy family life into
grand-parenthood and then one day just keel over from a heart
attack, the easy road, that's what I was shooting for... but no.
I like this tho, I still enjoy what's enjoyable while it is and
also can enjoy the simple fact that with the flick of a steering
wheel, the specter of happiness can evaporate, opening to
something very different. This knowledge regulates how high the
highs and how low the lows and neither range far off the
mid-line anymore. I went in search of this, not knowing if it
was even a "thing"... it is, it's a no-thing (to be cute about
it).
I enjoyed what you are getting at in your post J( I've always
appreciated your honesty, even if when sure, you came across a
little too sure and when finding humility you tended to soft
peddle it a tad :D Just the view from the cheap seats. So happy
for you and your tribe, nothing like looking into the eyes of a
non programmed human to give a little perspective and you get
that perspective every day for a few more years. Not to mention
all the programming you get to provide your little one.
Enjoy it buddy and thanks for such a great post.
#Post#: 4530--------------------------------------------------
Re: voidworx
DIR By: j(
Date: September 11, 2019, 7:46 am
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Hey guys!
Thanks Steve. Cant say that I've embraced any darkness but its
definitely been a pleasure to let all this go and to know that
as an option from time to time. Things dont always "go well"
but...the awareness of the fact that I am FULL of **** (see any
previous post) and at the same time that I have never been
"wrong" is a hell of a realization. Allowing for a total
engagement without any strings attached. Daily life goes on yet
nothing ever really changes. The illusions of the mind become
entertaining rather than real and daunting. And when you can
laugh at yourself, then you're in a good place. I dont see the
need for anything - or anything else to be precise.
As for programming, not sure there is any way to totally escape
that. I'll never lead my kids into esoterica. But I will teach
them to observe thought and gain distance from it. Maybe some
other tips about the nature of attention and awareness, focus
ect, if they so desire. Here's to none of our loved ones ever
having to veer onto this path. They've got their own.
...
If anything, I'd wished that the discussions here had been a
little more practical. I can see how we got a little bit
sidetracked with terminology but all of it makes sense at this
point now that all the theories have given way to experience.
Theres no regrets. I enjoy the hell out of throwing this thing
into neutral and coasting along. If I could that's all I'd ever
do but...this thing called life still becons me and I rather
enjoy the various facets of it. Still have no problems reaching
extreme highs and lows but I cant really say that's a problem
per se. I like being passionate. It helps to play the game and
can be a decent source of energy if you know how to redirect
that. And it's one thing to have emotion rather than them having
you.
I didn't feel like gloating about the details of various
circumstances working out in my favor and while the time away
has been very beneficial I'm still curious to know how you guys
are doing and how everything's going in your worlds? Really dont
know anyone who is interested in let alone talk about this stuff
to anybody. Which is fine and almost better that way because
your not trying to reconcile anything.
But anyways, lots of blah blah blah out of me and that's usually
my cue. I have an insatiable appetite for more information until
I just stop
#Post#: 4531--------------------------------------------------
voidworx
DIR By: biisuto
Date: September 11, 2019, 10:49 pm
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Riding the ferry to the city while reading your post, Justin.
I’ve been so meaning to come back here and share - and have
started numerous posts - but life is happening too quick these
days... I’m on a tight deadline right now that, if I fail, will
see me post a video of myself eating a can of dog food, so this
is just a demonstration of my intent, that I’ve read and will
come back and post as soon as I can... I actually started a
small response on the ferry but it immediately ballooned into
something epic... life has been like this ... but I think about
you guys far more than I actually communicate with you, much to
my sadness.
Especially because things are obviously so interesting for you
as well.
Anyhow...Be well!
Sent from my iPhone using
Tapatalk[IMG]
HTML https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190912/1063678d8848e1705df18aaa9c93addc.jpg[/img]
#Post#: 4535--------------------------------------------------
Re: voidworx
DIR By: Plato
Date: September 19, 2019, 1:22 pm
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Love your posts, both of them, I'm currently busier than I've
ever been, working my a$$ off and enjoying every minute. This >
HelperPleinAir.com has taken on a life of it's own and I'm
scurrying around trying to keep up with the demands of an event
that has spun out beyond my intentions. Here's to hoping I'm up
to the task of letting go expectations, mine and everyone
else's, while hordes of artists descend on my domicile for a
week of creativity and lunacy...
Cheers brothers in arms,
Sklato
#Post#: 4621--------------------------------------------------
Re: voidworx
DIR By: j(
Date: May 26, 2020, 4:39 pm
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Just had to share since this is kindof along the lines of what
we were talking about here and what I'd envisioned for this
place. Anyhow, hope you're all staying above the madness :)
"Here is what is required. People have to agree and commit to a
common endeavor in truth and authenticity. Then stay with
“their” particular belief systems until they see the futility of
belief systems. They have to get to know each other by sharing
with each other and tell the truth about their attachments and
their irrational triggers and a plethora of little reactions
from their past that jump up and bite them in the ass every
day–and clear themselves again. They have to hold each other
accountable for doing that.
Here is where we start. We have to tell the truth better than
anyone ever has before, about our “turf,” our feelings, our
bodies, our activities, our perversions, our delusions of
grandeur, our savior complexes, our pettiness, our unfinished
bullshit from the past, cigars, blow jobs, hand jobs, lies,
human gymnastics and other things… We have to agree to an
initial training in the very tough process called forgiveness.
We have to set up structures for ongoing confrontation. We have
to have a sense of humor but must be no-bullshit kind of people
for and work with each other. We have to use the creative bursts
that come from liberation from the jail of our own minds to make
and remake the new paradigms required on an ongoing basis
forever. We have to give up on believing and begin creating and
take it on as a lifetime task and an unending human task. It
revolves. As in revolution.
O.K., so there is a little work involved to revolve instead of
devolve. Here is how we do it. Transcend the self. Transcend the
Culture. Become attached to the particular transcend dance and
go crazy again as humans inevitably do. Interrupt the mind's
attachment. Start over again. La de da de da de da! La de da de
da! A revolution every three or four years. Thus we engage in
the game, and re-attain that “seriousness of a child at play”
Nietzche talked about.
A new world order is at hand, and it is a form of order that
provides for conscious human participation in continuous
creation and recreation without end, and we are at the forefront
of the cult that controls the rudder: the telling the truth
cult. We stand with clear eyes gazing into the labyrinth of lies
most of us call home, talking about what we see, bringing about
its downfall. At the same time, we are creating in its place,
out of a more honest conversation, a new way of being together.
Come on in, we're doing fine." Brad Blanton - Radical Honesty
From that space. j
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