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#Post#: 575--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 10, 2013, 10:57 am
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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When
the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too
late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed
in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to
sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped
Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to
her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best
friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the
whole wide world could wake hime up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top
of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a
hair out of his ass-hole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained
asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and
fu*cked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and
beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if
his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the
night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out
one of the husband's ass-hole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fu*cking my wife,
but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
#Post#: 655--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 11, 2013, 10:25 am
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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into
the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50
mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s*it."
#Post#: 657--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 11, 2013, 10:27 am
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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at
Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her
age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and
began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied,
and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed
reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do
you like pusssycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket
onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most
passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the
man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
#Post#: 658--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 11, 2013, 10:28 am
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This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax
return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and
thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will
leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple
beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he
sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt.
Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going
to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to
die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the
drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The
drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get
out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your
shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers
and a guy puked on you.
Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The
drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might
work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight
home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting
for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams
"I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just
don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me
explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She
says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."
He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me.
He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You
can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out
some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10
bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shiit my pants
too".
#Post#: 659--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 11, 2013, 10:32 am
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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the
time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes
back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You
see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a
regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm
afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for
another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The
waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation
to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to
the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY
chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do
to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its
legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings,
I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle
finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then
gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
#Post#: 660--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 11, 2013, 10:33 am
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An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his
birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing
it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old
lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse
and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest titts
I've ever seen."
#Post#: 726--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 12, 2013, 11:00 am
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Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire,
so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping
her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are
at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and
says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile.
"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
#Post#: 734--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 12, 2013, 11:11 am
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A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your
name?"
He says, "Beerf*ck."
#Post#: 1002--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 16, 2013, 2:34 pm
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A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck
driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver,
who are the two biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. The
Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says "
You and your brother." Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but
the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the
next truck you see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally
sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck,
do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The
other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver
replies "Me and my brother."
#Post#: 1010--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 16, 2013, 2:45 pm
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An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She
drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear.
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to
see your drivers license and vehicle registration please." The
woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The
husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying
her license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been
there. Actually, the worse piece of asss I ever had was in
Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE
SAY?"
And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
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