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#Post#: 729--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 12, 2013, 11:04 am
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the
first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a
new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store
& thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see
... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you
know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit.
It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said,
"Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve &
16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did
you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted
the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new
shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed
Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was
astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18
years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
#Post#: 730--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 12, 2013, 11:05 am
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle
wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his
knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a
widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one
like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn
blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python
weally gives a thit.
#Post#: 902--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 13, 2013, 6:37 pm
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Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware
store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while
she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the
teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise
exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba
had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a
hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna
screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I
will for the teapot."
#Post#: 1003--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 16, 2013, 2:34 pm
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Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a
vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The
last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years
ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got
pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I
went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says,
"So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This
year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
#Post#: 1004--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 16, 2013, 2:35 pm
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A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman
sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that
woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The
waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says,
"Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there." She says to the
waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne,
he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in
the bank, and eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers
the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I
have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the
bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the heck would I cut
off four inches?"
#Post#: 1005--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 16, 2013, 2:36 pm
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Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each
other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they
put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those
things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be
outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put
out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the
cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar
comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The
third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice,
and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go
screw the cat."
#Post#: 1006--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 16, 2013, 2:37 pm
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying
the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring
the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and
find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a
ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards
the door, the husband cries out: "Watch out for that wall!"
#Post#: 1007--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 16, 2013, 2:39 pm
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged
with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the
back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says,
"You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death
with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells
out, "You freakin bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy
in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger
and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you,
or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in
the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years,
I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to
borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
#Post#: 1008--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 16, 2013, 2:40 pm
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A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just
going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did
everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when
you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every
time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds
over everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could
have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the
pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway
star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine,
which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never
actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do
you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the
cabby.
#Post#: 1011--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 16, 2013, 2:51 pm
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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding
Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the
hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very
short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you
were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for
'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the
bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon,
there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked
in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do
you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the
range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a
hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I
just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go
have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their drinks, Bambi came up
behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you
get for $25?"
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