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#Post#: 569--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 10, 2013, 10:48 am
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he
got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered
if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the
side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up
and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at
him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it
and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His
son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What
happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked
in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such
perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two
Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . .
PRICELESS!!!
#Post#: 570--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 10, 2013, 10:50 am
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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair
and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began
to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a
woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he
had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The
cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some
time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay
you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one
shaving you."
#Post#: 571--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 10, 2013, 10:51 am
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A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes
to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her
daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom,
it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few
weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter
is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It
keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her
husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are
you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her,
"It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband
thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed
it!"
#Post#: 574--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 10, 2013, 10:54 am
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Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for
the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy
Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings
at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
#Post#: 656--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 11, 2013, 10:26 am
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A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks
at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says,
"Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room
for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and
sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a
few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes
him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the
same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
#Post#: 662--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 11, 2013, 10:36 am
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Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her
and dragged her into the bushes.
"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being
screwed!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans.
"If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being
robbed!"
#Post#: 724--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 12, 2013, 10:59 am
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A young woman was having a physical examination and was very
embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last
bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she
said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers
eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that
bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a
tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now
just open your mouth and say moo."
#Post#: 725--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 12, 2013, 10:59 am
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A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor
surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to
see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number
of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with
refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give
back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You
look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a
little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision
required twenty-seven stitches."
#Post#: 727--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 12, 2013, 11:01 am
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A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A
little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called,
"What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with
it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to
live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream
on ours."
#Post#: 728--------------------------------------------------
Re: Really Long Jokes
By: Pizmit Date: February 12, 2013, 11:02 am
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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward,
she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he
gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and
have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is
born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write
'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not
knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to
Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him
at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange
postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand
what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and
I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard,
fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed
back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the
wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two
without.'"
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