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#Post#: 34191--------------------------------------------------
Justin Bieber Roast
DIR By: Mac
Date: March 31, 2015, 3:26 pm
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I caught Comedy Central’s Roast of Justin Bieber last night and
loved it. I was apprehensive when it first came on to see the
variety of guests lined up on each side. Each one looking less
impressive to make me laugh than the next one. But you know
what, it all turned out to be a nice surprise. This roast, like
others, is not for the faint of heart. This was essentially
unedited. The only word they bleeped was ‘f*ck’ and c*nt, but
everything, and I mean everything else was fair game. And they
just ripped Justin to threads. Justin did look like a dear in
headlights at times.
Below are some good lines, but there were a lot more ‘great’
lines. Martha Stewart surprised me the most. Kevin Hart jumped
on it right away. I was really impressed with Pete Davidson and
Natasha Leggero. Each one of the other guests had some really
good lines. I think it was Shaq who at the end was just pouring
praise on him. Justin, I love your songs. You’re very
entertaining. You have some great moves. Let’s give it up for
Justin Timberlake everybody
I highly recommend checking this out.
--- Quote ---
> He asked for this. Justin Bieber made no bones about his
desire to be roasted in a public forum for months – an odd
choice for a guy who is fried by the tabloid press with
startling regularity. But truly, who can understand all the
mysteries of the Biebs? So per request, Comedy Central delivered
with a star-studded bash for the pop singer-cum-enfant-terrible
— emphasis on the "bash" — and finally aired the results last
night.
>
> Although most people associate roasts with colleagues and
loved ones taking a cherished pal down a peg or two, all done in
good fun, Bieber was upbraided by a motley crew of familiar
faces, all with their knives out and their tongues sharp. The
beleaguered Canadian probably doesn't spend the majority of his
off-time hanging with the likes of Jeff Ross, Hannibal Buress,
Natasha Leggero, Snoop Dogg, Shaquille O'Neal, Will Ferrell or
Martha Stewart, which means that the network essentially hired a
bunch of famous strangers to say mean things to someone (and
occasionally each other) that they don't really know, all as
part of a televised event. Once again: the kid insisted on this.
> So did it hurt? You better Beliebe it did. Here are some of
the night's funniest, did-they-actually-just-say-that?! lines.
>
> 1. Kevin Hart: "He's got a perfume called Girlfriend. That's
not gangster, Justin!"
> Roastmaster Kevin Hart took great pleasure in enumerating the
many ways in which Bieber is not a gangster, from nearly getting
punched by Orlando Bloom to throwing eggs as retaliation against
a particularly unfriendly neighbor — but all he really needed to
do was remind us of Bieber's perfume line. (He also has a scent
called "Someday," Kevin. We can't make this stuff up.)
>
> 2. Pete Davidson: "Soul Plane was the worst experience of my
life involving a plane."
> The newbie Saturday Night Live star made this crack mere
seconds after reminding the audience that his firefighter father
died on 9/11. Immediately after that joke, a cameraman panned to
an audience member who appeared to be actually crying. He
probably should have saved his tears for this one.
>
> 3. Ludacris: "You're not tough, Justin. I'm here to let you
know, man. I know you've been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much
like a pu*sy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you."
> Kevin Hart gave this joke a standing ovation.
>
> 4. Natasha Leggero: "Kevin has a Napoleon complex. Kevin,
Napoleon was the leader of France. Ludacris, France is in
Europe. Justin, Europe's a continent. Shaq, a continent is not a
free breakfast."
> The comedienne managed to knock down three whole roasters and
the roastee in less than a minute, with a nifty historical
lesson thrown in for good measure. Cue Rudy clap.
>
> 5. Natasha Leggero: "Justin, Selena Gomez had to f*ck you. She
is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment
history."
> Leggero's entire set was so biting, so sharp, and so painful
that Kevin Hart requested an extra ovation for her after she was
already back in the relative safety of her cushy chair. Bieber
might not have actually cried during his roast (at least, that
we know of), but we're betting that Leggero's zingers are the
ones that will haunt him once the rest of his wounds have
healed.
>
> 6. Shaquille O'Neal: "Last year you were ranked the fifth most
hated person of all time. Kim Jong-un didn't even score that
low, and he uses your music to f*ckin' torture people."
> Shaq used research for this jab.
>
> 7. Chris D'Elia: "Kevin is a good guy, and of course he's here
because he can't say no to anything. Last week, he hosted an
ISIS beheading video on Reddit."
> Hart's number one takeaway from D'Elia's set? Not any
lingering resentment towards the comedian, but nothing short of
abject horror. "Goddammit, Chris, that was dark!," Hart screamed
afterwards, and everyone looked on in mostly dazed agreement.
>
> 8. Chris D'Elia: "You look like Sisqo f*cked Peter Pan and
then got cast on Orange Is the New Black."
> It's so nice that Sisqo was there in spirit.
>
> 9. Martha Stewart: "I taught Snoop that the most important
thing in business is diversification. Besides his music, he's
produced a p*rn movie. And, by the way, Natasha, you were great
in that. I guess tonight's the second time you've worked with
five black guys."
> Martha Stewart was in jail, and don't you ever forget it.
>
> 10. Jeff Ross: "Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she's
dating men now."
> Justin nodded.
>
> 11. Jeff Ross: "If Anne Frank heard your music, she would've
Uber'd to Auschwitz."
> Rampant historical inaccuracies aside, this just might be the
best dig centered on that bizarre "Anne Frank would have been a
Belieber" kerfuffle ever issued. (It's also one of the very few
Ross jabs fit for print.)
>
> 12. Snoop Dogg: "You have released so many horrible and
unwatchable videos, you should change your name to
[color=pink]Vanilla ISIS."[/color]
> This is not a joke about ISIS. This is a joke about Vanilla
Ice, and is thus deeply appropriate for a roast mocking Justin
Bieber.
>
> 13. Hannibal Buress: "I hate your music more than Bill Cosby
hates my comedy."
> As the night's last official roaster, it only seemed right
that comedian Buress could issue the night's only true mic drop.
>
> 14. Ron Burgundy (aka Will Ferrell): "I don't have a lot of
time, alright? I'm currently over at Stage 24, hosting SpikeTV's
Your Mother's A Fat B*tch Award Show. Some real clever writing,
great energy over there."
> This will sound like a joke, but it's not: Snoop Dogg laughed
so hard at this joke from Will-Ferrell-as-Ron-Burgundy that he
actually choked out some of his vape smoke and very nearly
keeled over.
>
> 15. Justin Bieber: "What do you get when you give a teenager
two hundred million dollars? A bunch of has-beens calling you a
lesbian for two hours."
> The night belonged to Bieber, and when it came time to dish
out his own digs, the apparently burgeoning stand-up comedian
utilized a variety of joke-telling techniques, but this was his
very best. (Later, he promised to never appear on anyone's else
roast, so at least have that to not look forward to.)
--- End Quote ---
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