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#Post#: 711--------------------------------------------------
Jokes...
DIR By: Mac
Date: August 15, 2011, 11:36 am
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Only the best ones go here...
The Angry Blonde
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband
is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a
handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed
with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her
own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading
with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds
to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
Funeral Costs
Billy died.... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate
funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned
to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice
and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Joyce. "Thirty thousand dollars."
"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but
$30,000?"
Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the
church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500..
The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500
for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats!�
#Post#: 765--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes...
DIR By: Mac
Date: August 15, 2011, 8:19 pm
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Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of
Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and
I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt
said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a
Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised
the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land to China!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans,
the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security,
retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was
suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a
truck......
#Post#: 766--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes...
DIR By: Mac
Date: August 15, 2011, 8:39 pm
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AN ELDERLY ITALIAN CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini ,
Italy ,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid
open the
panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide
her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with
sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice
on
Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what
you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under
those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have
one
more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
#Post#: 1481--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes...
DIR By: Mac
Date: September 8, 2011, 10:23 am
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If you should contract the Swine Flu, don't worry, you can use
some Oinkment
HTML http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a384/themarbleintheoatmeal/smilies/thhysterical.gif<br
/>whooboy, I kill myself
#Post#: 1508--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes...
DIR By: Mac
Date: September 8, 2011, 3:20 pm
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Area husband pretends to give a sh*t
HTML http://recoilmag.com/news/grfx/area_husband_pretends_0702.jpg
Lafayette, Ga. � Attempting to pacify his wife Jena's incessant
desire for verbal interaction, area husband Chris Woodman
pretended to give a **** Tuesday as his wife of six years
initiated and dominated a series of prolonged dialogues
regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant subjects.
According to Woodman, the thoroughly pointless conversation -
which comprehensively detailed his wife's work day, lunch
experience, plans for the evening and friend's relationship
difficulties - took place in the living room of the couple's
Lafayette home at approximately 6 p.m., shortly after Woodman
began watching television in an effort to unwind from work.
"I love my wife, but Jesus, does she like to talk sometimes,"
said Woodman, 30, who works as a field technician for a local
civil engineering firm. "I wanted to just come home [from work]
and chill out for awhile, but Jena immediately launches into
these long, boring stories about what happened at work and
what's going on with a friend of hers and a bunch of other
stuff. I just tried to act like I was paying attention and hoped
it wouldn't go on too long."
Occasionally retorting with such all-purpose conversation
perpetuators as "That's nice, honey" and "No kidding? Huh,"
Woodman pretended to give a **** about his wife's exhaustively
detailed personal accounts until just after 6:45 p.m., when Jena
was forced to interrupt the one-sided exchange to receive a
telephone call from her longtime friend Nelly Smith.
"Saved by the bell, I guess you'd say," Woodman jokingly
explained, adding that he used the brief interruption to exit
the room and seek solace behind some cardboard boxes in the
basement, where he remained for several hours.
Woodman acknowledged that although the lengthy, expendable
conversation depleted a good amount of his after-work leisure
time, the 45 minutes spent maintaining a convincing, give-a-****
veneer was not a complete waste.
"I was able to give some thought to a few things I hadn't had
time for," said Woodman, who admitted to mentally drifting
light-years away from his wife's inane banter. "While Jena was
busy carrying on about God-knows-what, I was trying to figure
out the significance of a couple of scenes from the movie
Memento, which we had rented a few nights back. I think I've got
most of [the plot] figured out now."
"I pretend to give a **** because I care."
In addition to analyzing the storyline of the 2001 feature,
Woodman mentally planned the couple's upcoming camping trip and
also reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in Las
Vegas - all the while remembering to nod, say "Yeah," and
display other characteristics indicative of a person who is
giving a ****.
Woodman said he often pretends to give a **** about what his
wife says.
"Somebody - a guy - once told me that women tend to work things
out in their heads by talking things out, so most of the time it
isn't really necessary to listen to everything a woman says,"
said Woodman. "It's been my experience that the theory usually
holds true. So I tend to just keep my mouth shut and let her
talk herself out."
Added Woodman: "Besides, if something's really important to her,
I'll pick up on it right away because she'll be yelling. Then
it's time to get involved in what I'm sure she feels is an
extremely important conversation."
After six years of marriage, Woodman said he feels that his
willingness to pretend to give a **** about what his wife says
is vital to the health of their relationship.
"If I didn't sit there in total silence, staring off into the
distance but occasionally grunting out an 'Oh yeah?' or a "No
kidding,' Jena would probably start to think we have a
communication problem," said Woodman. "Sure, I could just walk
out of the room when she starts barking out her meaningless
ramblings, but that would be equivalent to just coming right out
and saying that she's boring me."
"I pretend to give a **** because I care," Woodman added.
July 2002
From Recoil
HTML http://recoilmag.com/area-husband-pretends-to-give-a-****-2/
#Post#: 1797--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes...
DIR By: Mac
Date: September 15, 2011, 3:41 pm
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The Bank Robber
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Golden Meadow ,
and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way
out the door with the loot one brave Cajun customer grabs the
hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber
shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank
to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is
looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly
shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down
at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
There are a few moments of silence, then Boudreaux looking down,
tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife, Marie,
peeked"...
#Post#: 2161--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes...
DIR By: Mac
Date: September 27, 2011, 9:45 am
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The Drunkin' Cowboy
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the
posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this,
he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat.'
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more
impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to
have to call the manager.'
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly
back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy,
but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the
situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your
name?'
'Fred,' the cowboy moaned.
'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,
Fred replied.... "the balcony..."
Chicken and the Egg
A chicken goes to Las Vegas for a convention. After checking in,
he goes down and plays some blackjack. He spots an egg across
the room, their eyes meet and BOOM, their blood begins to boil.
They meet halfway across the floor and without a word, head
upstairs to the chicken�s room, unlock the door and go at it
madly on the bed. A couple of seconds later the chicken
convulses, rolls off the egg and lights a cigarette.
The egg says �I guess we answered that old question!�.
#Post#: 2162--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes...
DIR By: ChipRawks
Date: September 27, 2011, 10:00 am
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--- Quote from: Mac link ---
>
>
> Chicken and the Egg
>
--- End Quote ---
[IMG]
HTML http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/rimshot.gif[/img]
#Post#: 2204--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes...
DIR By: Mac
Date: September 28, 2011, 10:45 am
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[center]
Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:
The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from
this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and
said,
"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have
worms!"
That pretty much ended the service !!
Today is International Disturbed People's Day.[/center]
#Post#: 2710--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes...
DIR By: Mac
Date: October 12, 2011, 11:25 am
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HTML http://i.imgur.com/iqxKw.png
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