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#Post#: 5655--------------------------------------------------
Cellos News
DIR By: NetflixAndBurn
Date: August 7, 2026, 11:13 am
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Rather than leaving the club’s reputation in the hands of fake
journalists, I have chosen to address the fans directly, though
you can also pick up a copy of our internally funded paper:
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As you’re no doubt aware, I have extensive experience in the art
of football management. In the OFLM league I took Solent City
from the depths of the 4th division and propelled them into the
heights of the division 3 relegation zone. The philosophy at
Solent had been, mainly, to fleece top club manager Sam Brown of
two first class midfielders and a youth player in exchange for
access to a mediocre coach for two seasons. In response to this
outlandish deal which Brown reluctantly finalised, OFLM owner
Ceri Griffiths was forced to shut down the league, so as not to
risk the sanctity of the sport.
Having inherited the Seven Cellos, formerly Syracuse Saints,
from globally renowned Skittles, however, it is incumbent upon
me to honour the OFMC icon’s long-standing vision for the club.
To that end, we will not be rushing to sell any of our U22
talents. Thanks to Skittle’s patient efforts, we have amassed a
solid group of players most of whom have many bright years ahead
of them at the club—sorry Jenkins.
In terms of the squad, AM Icarus Sparx and DF Craig Cluster each
impressed in friendlies. But with few exceptions, every player
will be part of the squad rotation this season, as we look to
establish a depth of choices in midfield. Other areas of the
team don't yet match up against the competition, but Rome wasn't
built in a day and our legacy will be just as great.
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New kit design grants Cellos a fresh start and more importantly
a healthy cash injection from dedicated local fans
Cellos Transfer News
KIKO MONLULO (Flint → Cellos)
The decision for Kiko to join Cellos was influenced perhaps too
strongly by positive childhood associations of a character from
drift racing game Juiced 2. Nevertheless, I stand by this
controversial decision that saw the departure of Kedryuk and
Niezgoda—both since liquidated by Mike—without further
compensation.
The reasoning is simple: after a season on loan to United, he
will be an unstoppable force that propels us high into the
playoff places. Maybe two seasons.
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ALEX T (Auction → Cellos)
We picked up this young talent Alex_T at auction following a
surprising lack of interest. We respect that Alex will be absent
for much of the season, as he attends various Tetris and rock
climbing events and then there’s finals and guitar lessons, but
he still hopes to spend dozens of hours a day on the field
training.
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JONAS RØYENG (Auction → Cellos)
The mastermind behind the once-considered coolest Oslo-based
indie band of all time, among upwards of 100 people, Jonas has
since regenerated into a 16 year old football prodigy, who
purportedly dribbles as well as he crafts melodies. Left-footed
and leftfield, Royeng quickly asserted himself as our third best
goalscorer, just behind defender Craig Cluster. Will he be
division 2’s top striker this season? Only a fool would rule him
out.
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50 media points
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