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#Post#: 72--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: April 20, 2017, 8:34 am
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Hi honey & Rehandra,
I suggest you both look at:- www.bpdcentral.com,
www.BDPFamily.com also www.emergenceplus.org.uk
my mother also behaved in ways you describe, it turned out she
was probably BPD when I discovered this I asked the doctors and
they agreed. It is called borderline personality disorder and
effects 5% of the population PD's in all effect over 3,000,000
people in the UK alone.
Most people with this type of disorder are in denial and do not
realize the problems they cause, some when things are bad enough
may seek help.
Borderline does not mean it is some kind off quasi disorder ,
the name comes from a time when it was thought to be on the
border of neurosis & psychosis. This is not the case but the
name stuck, the name changed and now I think they call it
emotionally unstable disorder?
I am now 65 and for the last 20 years since finding out what may
have been wrong with my mother I've been on emails groups
dealing with this and I'm more than glad this site opened so
people in the UK can discuss this and more.
Good Luck To All
Mitch
#Post#: 77--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Sadness_Smiles Date: May 9, 2017, 1:13 am
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This site is based in the UK, though I believe there are some
others from elsewhere, I am American. This seems a more healthy
place to share than most US sites because, from my experience,
they are as likely to tell you your story is crap or doesn't
matter rather than exhibit any support. So, suffice to say I am
glad you all are here.
My story isn't as obvious as some, but at 33 years old, I still
cannot forgive my mother; and my experiences continue haunt me
every day. Maybe an outside perspective can help me at least
find some closure. Here is the truncated version of my
upbringing, noting some highlights. (ha-ha... sarcasm and humor
are the only reason I'm not in the looney bin.)
I always knew from my earliest memories that I was an
inconvenience for my mother. She stayed out as often and as long
as she could even when my parents were still married. I was like
a pet. Cute, fun to hug and play with, but in the end an object
requiring responsibility.
When I was 7, my parents separated for reasons that I didn't
learn until I was 28. All I was told is they didn't agree on
some things and needed some time apart. What my father told me
21 years later is he was making enough money for her to be a
stay at home mom, but she refused. She also refused to give up
her bartender lifestyle, her drug habit, and her affair with her
boss.
Despite her extracurricular activities and the burden she felt I
was, she refused to allow my father to keep me. Later as years
went on, I learned it was mostly for child support checks
written from the cost of the life she had rejected.
We then moved over 800 miles away from my father and the rest my
family to live with my grandparents down south. My mother took
another bartending job, and worked every night. I practically
didn't see her for 3 months. She was asleep when I went to
school, and gone when I returned. On the weekends, she had dates
with men who later in life I understood were sources of sex and
drugs.
My grandmother was just going through intensive therapy for her
major deppressive disorder. My aunt who lived with us was
severely bipolar and slept 18 hours a day. My poor grandfather
worked all day and pretended to sleep when he wasn't asleep, and
I can't blame him. My father I didn't hear from again until I
was 10.
I was abandoned in a house with 4 adults. Not physically
neglected or abused, just utterly alone without any support. No
one knew when I cried let alone why.
I had severe headaches and nausea with vomiting as I grew up. I
was told I was tough, and I'd live, and I was just a pukey kid.
As an adult, I went to the doctor and discovered I had migraines
my whole life and was liberated with 1 pill a day. As if I
didn't have reason enough to be angry, this made me furious.
I got head lice in 4th grade. I told my mom and grandmother
repeatedly, but both dismissed me and neither would even look at
my head. I had to go to the school nurse and get examined and
given leave from school to treat it before they believed me.
Any time I tried to share anything with my mother it was treated
as a major inconvenience and another weight added to the burden
of keeping me. I got straight A's? I was a prize. I got my
period? I needed to shave? I was a dirty animal. If I felt
anything it was explained to me why I was wrong for feeling that
way.
When my mother had finally saved some money we begain moving
from apartment to apartment with various boyfriends. I often
didn't even have my own bed let alone a room. Just crashing on
the couch. Very homey.
Some of the men were abusive. Others were just broken. I was
once shamed to the point if tears and depression because of B's
on my report card. I could always be more than I was. I wasn't
trying hard enough.
I had a horrible stutter. It was always because my mouth outran
my brain. Later, when I discovered I inherited biploar disorder,
I was vindicated in affirming it was the other way around.
When my mother found a man willing to marry her, we moved to his
hometown. It was 400 miles closer to my father, but still too
far. He had rentered my life after breaking his back, and
recovering fron opioid addiction and depression. He was again
the best influence in my life. My rock. My one safe place. My
hero. Too far away.
Once married, the relationship between my mother and stepfather
became rocky again. He disconnected the heat, took all our
electric heaters, disconnected the phone and did everything he
could to make us uncomfortable. All aside from my mothers
bruises which were somehow also my fault.
When my mother discovered I was exploring my sexuality, she
immediately projected; screaming, ranting, calling me a dirty
slut and other colorful metaphors. She got extremely physical
and literally permanently grounded me. I had tried to tell her
long beforehand, but she as usual deflected me. So the
conflagration commenced. Most parents get upset. My mother
became my worst nightmare.
I eventually learned her manipulative behaviors well enough to
gain liberation about 6 months later. I felt sick resorting to
her own tricks that it's what I had to do to continue living
life.
As I grew throughout my teenage years, she started letting me in
on her dirty little secrets. She would do drugs with her
co-workers after work or go to bars in the wee hours of the
morning. She started letting me drink and gave me my first taste
of marijuana.
When I was 14 she had another baby and she took full advantage
of her ready-made babysitter. While attending a charter school
in addition to my district school to take advanced classes, she
continued to stay out till the wee hours of the morning. My
little brother would scream for his mother until 4 o'clock in
the morning when she got home. I had to be up at 5 to go to
school. This of course went badly.
Even as I got older even as I got older she never let up and
started robbing me of what were to be the best years of my life.
I couldn't even think of going to a party because my mother was
too busy going to her own. My wonderful boyfriend I met when I
was 16, my grades and my stress levels led me to move out when I
was 17. And 17 years later I am still with my boyfriend, my
husband. He loved me and rescued me the way I'd always dreamed.
Thank all powers that be some stories can have happy endings.
Yet, I still haven't had a relationship with my mother for the
same 16 years. I attempted to patch things up once, but found
she was hiding bottles of liquor everywhere. Needless to say, I
again removed myself from the situation.
As mother's day looms I reflect on what made me the person I am
today. I now make jokes about the horrid things I endured and
observed, but still harbor tears underneath. I cannot forget and
I cannot remember. I can only wade through the fog of yesterday
and find the wounds still bleeding in the mist today. Sometimes
I can find the words to bandage that thought, and it lets me
smile through the tears. Like a rainbow after a storm. Sadness
smiles.
- I know bits of this address questions posed on other portions
of the forum, but I loathe redundancy.
Let these words stand as support to all those who have shared
before me. This has been difficult for me and despite my own
victory, but my heart goes out to all those who have came
forward. To those still struggling, please share. It's
cleansing. Every time I can face elements of my ordeal, it seems
smaller.
Be well, everyone.
#Post#: 80--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: May 9, 2017, 10:57 am
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:o :o :o :o :o
Yeah,
this is a worldwide problem and its time it was tackled there
are many reasons for a horrid parent, sadly mine involves mental
health issues (PD's) and after years of corresponding in email
groups it is obvious there are many caught with parents who are
in denial. We have been ignored and left without adequate
information in the UK it seems counselling does not recognize
this problem or I just went to the wrong people?? Any way no
counselor or helpline has been able to advise me. Thank God My
Horrid Parent has come along maybe now domestic abuse lines will
start to take notice, in the past I've contacted most main lines
and the best they came up with was "O boy that sounds difficult"
WomensAid NI told me people choose to be abusive, so there you
are its as simple as that!
I would like to see more links to this kind off site linked to
mental health lines and domestic abuse lines & I would like to
see the likes of WomensAid directing people to this site where
appropriate
Remember you need a licence to keep a dog.
Mitch
#Post#: 81--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Sadness_Smiles Date: May 9, 2017, 2:52 pm
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Counseling services and recognition of soooooo many issues
including those of mental health are in desperate need all over
the world. I have had the worst experiences trying to find
treatment for my bipolar disorder and being able to AFFORD it
after recieving it. My current doctors office literally charges
$10 a minute. A MINUTE. I haven't worked in 10 years. $10 A
MINute!!!1!@! My insurance covers like 4 appointments a year.
For bloody serious!
There are reasons other than abuse and neglect for requiring
licensure for children.
How many times have you seen a kid or several kids screaming and
carrying on in a public place, only to see their parent(s)
talking softly and saying "no that's not nice Johnny, stop it,
now."? No reasoning, no ultimatums, no consequences of any kind.
This child will grow into a delinquent. This person needs
training and qualification.
If you have lost limbs to things like garbage disposals,
blenders, lawnmowers, industrial fans or catching alligators,
you need a lot more than qualification and a license.
Edit: Not trying to troll, just a little humor. Even if it may
or may not be true.
#Post#: 83--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: May 10, 2017, 5:54 am
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::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
In the UK on all media outlets & national news is telling us how
bad the mental health services are. Personally I think there are
some very good people working in these areas they need better
funding and more staff, the funding could be how they better use
existing funding. Also they need to address the problem of those
in denial, OK you could argue its there own fault but it is well
documented how those close are affected, many needing help &
counselling themselves! They say it is 1 in 4, is this part of
the problem I think it is I also believe it to be a core issue
within domestic abuse. The abuse can be two way the person who
is in denial or the significant other, mainly its down to
ignorance again lack of information.
Personally I will use all boards where ever I can to highlight
this problem.
Mitch
#Post#: 84--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: clare low Date: May 12, 2017, 9:03 am
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Reply to Sadness_Smiles:
Your incredibly sad story is very moving. What a lot you have
been through. It is astonishing how well you have coped and
survived and made a loving reciprocal relationship. You really
are an inspiration. Your descriptions of your experiences are
beautifully written - really poetic. You have a real way with
words - perhaps this has also helped you along the way?
I do hope that you find this forum is supportive and less
judgemental than ones you have looked at before now.
And I wish you and everyone else who is dreading mother's day
around the world this weekend some peaceful reflection on your
progress and survival against the odds.
#Post#: 87--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Sadness_Smiles Date: May 16, 2017, 9:40 am
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Thank you, Claire.
My words have always been there for me when no one else was. My
success as human though is still debatable, lol. I have many
problems and haven't worked in 10 years. I don't blame my
mother, but blame her for initiating my disease. I can cope, but
sometimes that's only half the battle, and is indeed why I'm
here. There has never been blame, but I need to forgive her, and
I don't know how.
#Post#: 88--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: May 16, 2017, 11:09 am
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I'll call you Smiles, you have definitely got the right attitude
there is no point in blaming others. We must first look to
ourselves in an advanced society we would have been informed
about our mothers problems and have had someone to support
us,whether that was to live with her or to break all contact. In
the earlier years you needed help that was not there! I'm in a
very similar boat time has taught me a few things or perhaps the
knowledge I now posses has made it easier to forgive.
For many years I blamed my mother, but in reality instead of
letting her manipulate me i should have looked for help.The
social services should have intervened, my mother was not
capable of understanding the reality of any situation, it was
always her perception. It is only recently i have recognized
this I no longer blame her I must also accept some of the blame.
In my defense I was isolated (only child) and no cousins,aunts
or uncles I could turn too. Society has also ignored us this may
well be down too funding and lack of research. When I was
flippant and wrote "you need a licence to keep a dog" The
serious side is some people should not be aloud to have children
or at least unable to bring them up unless they display the
ability, read "Understanding The Borderline Mother" and that is
only one category of a horrid parent.
We Bruise Easily: Princess Diana had Borderline Personality
Disorder
borderlineandbrilliant.blogspot.com/2013/08/princess-diana-had-b
orderline.html
29 Aug 2013 - I've been meaning to write this blog for a while,
as there are so many sceptics regarding Diana's BPD. Whenever
someone raises doubt that ...
I draw attention to Diana’s BPD because she is a fantastic
example of how brilliant a Borderline can be.
By most accounts, she single handedly changed the world’s
understanding and attitude towards AIDS, bulimia and land mines.
Yet sadly she did not live in a time that could offer her BPD
the recognition, understanding and treatment she needed and
deserved. Diana did not have to suffer the way she did in her
life – none of us do.
Hope this helps
I no longer blame my mother "but for the grace of God, there go
I" I'm now 65 and finally starting to grow up.
Mitch
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
#Post#: 92--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: May 25, 2017, 10:04 am
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
BPD must score high in making a parent horrible, in fact this
apply's to most problems including the likes of alcoholism; -
that is the perpetrator is in "DENIAL" there is a huge need for
counselling services and helplines to recognize this problem. In
over 40 years none of the above mentioned were able to advise
me, that my mother may have suffered a personality disorder.
This, I had to find out on my own when eventually the internet
came into being and with research on my own I found sites that
offered help, support & learning. Now that I had a disorder that
seemed to fit I asked my GP's, they all agreed this is what they
thought. The way our system operates they cant divulge another
persons problems, I'm OK with that. What is lacking is
information on these subjects and literature explaining what the
term DENIAL means and how to access help?
To prove my point I received this from a politician;-
" Of note I have used the stats with Commissioners/NI PD
Network etc however they are working on the basis of specialist
needs/high end needs, which they say sits at 0.7% ish of the
populous - we'll keep chipping away on this one. My last
estimate was that up to 4.4% of the populous which takes us to
about 83 000 in NI. Apparently on average in the last few years
about 478 people have received specialist support in NI. However
it's worth noting that a lot more people are accessing other
mental health services e.g. MindWise support approx. 728 people
who have PD traits/diagnosis."
Look at how low the numbers are who seek help, 478 plus 728 and
some of these may be both lists, Where are the other 82,000??
Answer, causing problems where there are no stats to highlight
this problem. And the above statement is only BPD what about the
other PD's, mental health issues, drug and alcohol additions???
When you do seek help, they have nowhere to send you if they
even recognize you need help! They are there to help the person
with the disorder and if the're in DENIAL they and their
families are left to there own devices, I know I've been there
for over 50 years now and will shout to the heavens on this
subject until someone hears!
There is much written on the friction between a disordered
person and those close, when are domestic abuse lines going to
recognize this??
Mich
PS I would love to hear from others so we can prove something is
needed in this area in the meantime for those dealing with a
personality disorder there is this forum and www.BPFamily.com
which is registered with the NHS
??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???
#Post#: 94--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Twinkletoes Date: June 7, 2017, 2:29 am
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This is just the ticket and I will post my story when I figure
out the plan. Thank you
D
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