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My Horrid Parent
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#Post#: 56--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Brianna Date: April 2, 2017, 2:15 am
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I feel very empowered by this website, it really provided some
understanding for me. And labelling the parent horrid just sums
it up, while not physcical the pain and control they can inflict
is very real and struggle of the aftermath/emotions is really
hard to handle.
I recently met up with my parents and used the distraction
technique 'making tea' which took me out of the situation of
being attacked. I have been also working out strategy with my
partner, preparing questions and answers of what may come up
which has been a great support.
Most of all i struggle with the self blame, understanding thats
its them and their decisions/actions and not mine and I strive
not to raise to their level and not become bitter as them and
allow their negativity to control my life.
If anyone has any more coping techniques that they find
beneficial I would find that helpful.
#Post#: 58--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: April 3, 2017, 11:07 am
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??? ??? ??? ???
Personality Disorders
a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behaviour of a
specified kind, typically apparent by the time of adolescence,
causing long-term difficulties in personal relationships or in
functioning in society.
"this personality disorder is characterized by a lack of guilt
and an inability to form lasting relationships"
From The Royal College Of Psychiatrists
For some of us, this doesn't happen. For whatever reason, parts
of your personality can develop in ways that make it difficult
for you to live with yourself and/or with other people. You
don't seem to be able to learn from the things that happen to
you. You find that you can't change the bits of your personality
(traits) that cause the problems. These traits, although they
are part of who you are, just go on making life difficult for
you - and often for other people as well.
Other people will often have noticed these traits from your
childhood and early teens. For example, you may find it
difficult to:
make or keep close relationships
get on with people at work
get on with friends and family
keep out of trouble
control your feelings or behaviour
listen to other people
If this makes you
unhappy or distressed
and/or
often upset or harm other people
then you may have a personality disorder (see below for
descriptions of the different types).
Life is more difficult if you have a personality disorder, so
you are more likely to have other mental health problems such as
depression or drug and alcohol problems.
Most Borderline Behavior Isn’t Deliberate
Without education about BPD, family members take their family
member’s behavior personally—especially if the BP is of the
higher-functioning invisible type. This leads to much
unnecessary suffering, because BPD behavior isn’t willful. Think
of it this way: Why would anyone choose to be in situations that
make them angry, unhappy, or otherwise in distress
?
Why Are BPD Relationships So Complicated?
Some features of borderline personality disorder strike at the
heart of what makes us able to have good interpersonal
relationships. Some of these features are:
Low emotional intelligence
There’s more than one way to be smart. In addition to the kind
of intelligence you can measure on an IQ test, there’s emotional
intelligence. Emotional intelligence is about monitoring
emotions—both your own and those of the people around you—and
then using this knowledge to guide your thinking and actions.
Many people think BPs don’t have empathy. They do—it’s just that
their own emotions are so intense they can be oblivious to the
emotions of those around them. They’re like a drowning person
who grabs on to a would-be rescuer and pulls them both down.
Impulsive aggression
Impulsive aggression is what happens when the other shoe drops,
when the eggshells break, and the emotional roller coaster takes
a 180-degree turn. It can be triggered by immediate threats of
rejection or abandonment paired with frustration. The aggression
can be turned inward (self-injury, suicide) or turned outward
(raging, verbal abuse, domestic violence).
Impulsive aggression is associated with a biological
“tug-of-war” between the logical and emotional aspects of the
brain, in which the logical side loses. These aggressive
tendencies can be inherited.
Think of impulsive aggression as a “border-lion,” a ferocious
beast that is uncaged when BPs’ emotions are so strong and
overwhelming they can no longer be contained. It is not
exclusive to BPD, but a component of several impulse control
disorders such as intermittent explosive disorder.
Whether the border-lion is turned inward or outward, it is one
of the top barriers keeping BPs and those who love them from
developing the close, trusting relationship each partner yearns
for.
It’s going to be tough, but try to hold fast to the notion that
your family member and the border-lion are not one and the same.
Rejection sensitivity
In addition to fearing abandonment, people with BPD are overly
sensitive to rejection. They anxiously await it, see it when it
isn’t there, and overreact to it whether it’s there or not. This
is why small slights—or perceived small slights—can cause major
messes.
Child-Like Characteristics
People with BPD may seem as mature as any other adult in social
or professional situations. But when it comes to coping with
strong emotions, they can be stuck at a child’s developmental
level.
Their sadness may be similar to the way a child feels at being
left out by the other kids. When angry, it could be the anger of
a teen, outraged at a parent’s refusal to let them attend a
party. (As in, “You’re ruining my life!”) There can be a
child-like ever-present vulnerability personified in Princess
Diana and Marilyn Monroe (both of whom had many classic BPD
traits).
study of carer burden and well-being
Rachel C. Bailey, University of WollongongFollow
Brin F. S Grenyer, University of WollongongFollow
RIS ID
97238
Publication Details
Bailey, R. C. & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2014). Supporting a person
with personality disorder: a study of carer burden and
well-being. Journal Of Personality Disorders, 28 (6), 796-809.
Abstract
Personality disorders are characterized by impaired
interpersonal functioning. There are few studies and little data
available using validated questionnaires on the impact of caring
for a person with personality disorder. The 287 carers included
in this study were administered the McLean Screening Instrument
for Borderline Personality Disorder-Carer Version, Burden
Assessment Scale, Grief Scale, Difficulties in Emotion
Regulation Scale, Mental Health Inventory-5, and a qualitative
question. Scores were compared to those of published comparison
groups. Burden and grief were significantly higher than that
reported by carers of persons with other serious mental
illnesses. Carers endorsed symptoms consistent with mood,
anxiety, and posttraumatic stress disorders. A qualitative
concept map highlighted the impact of caregiving on the
interpersonal environment. Carers of persons with personality
disorder report grieving their change in life and impairment in
well-being. Carers are burdened, and appear more so than carers
of persons with other serious mental illnesses. The results
highlight the need for interventions to support carers.
Hope this is of interest
Mitch
#Post#: 59--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: April 4, 2017, 6:25 am
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??? ??? ??? ???
Hi folks
there are a variety of reasons why you could have a horrid
parent in my case its a mental health issue. My mother was
un-diagnosed & probably had borderline personality disorder
(BPD) and her sister who lived nearby was un-diagnosed schizoid
(SCD)
It took me many years to find this out this is a very grey area
in mental health and many professionals don't go near it, far
too difficult and not enough research giving answers.
Even if a person has the awareness to realize they are causing
their own problems up until recently it was near impossible to
get help and it became a very sticky label this in turn added to
the problem.
In the UK services have begun but they are only in their infancy
and there is much to learn, most people with this kind of
disorder are very reluctant to accept they cause any problems
and tag this back onto their loved ones. Therefore we end up
with most in denial and it is now impossible for the loved ones
to find anything out. In my case it wore me down and if I hadn't
found answers I don't think I have survived.
I don't want to dominate this board as there will be other
reasons for a horrid parent but I think PD's must be core
issues. According to stats this effects over 3,000,000 people in
the UK alone. My surprise is existing services are very bad at
pointing people to where they can get advice on PD's and those
who to give advice do not fully understand the negative effect
of the disorder on the loved ones. When you live with someone
who is disordered you need to know several things: 1) they have
a disorder (you can't change it, you didn't cause it & you can't
control it) 2) in the worst case scenario you need to break
contact, 3) you need to learn about the disorder to be able to
understand it. 4) learn techniques to defuse certain situations.
Also you need somewhere to talk as on this board and maybe some
day we could build an organization like Al-anon, counselling
services need to be educated in this area & helplines. MIND etc
need more on helping the loved ones and to understand the
difficulty when someone is in denial making it very difficult
for the loved ones to find anything out.
1 in 100 will be a psychopath.... Prof.Tony Maden Channel5 "Meet
The Psychopath"
1 in 20 may have a PD.... ........ RCPsy
60-80% of all prisoners in NI have a PD...from "Personality
Disorder Strategy NI" Dec 2008
The more we talk the more we can raise the problem
Take Care
Mitch
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
#Post#: 60--------------------------------------------------
Re: Therapy
By: Mitchell Date: April 5, 2017, 5:42 am
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This will be of interest
HTML http://www.huffingtonpost.com/virginia-gilbert-mft/what-therapists-dont-tell_b_2622776.html
#Post#: 63--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Brianna Date: April 9, 2017, 2:40 pm
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Great link Thanks for sharing
#Post#: 64--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: April 11, 2017, 11:06 am
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Hi Folks,
because of lack off information in 60's & 70's I was unable to
find out what was wrong with my mother and my aunt who lived
nearby. Many years later I was to learn that my mother was in
denial, this I now fully understand it was the same for my aunt.
There are a variety of reasons why someone would deny they had a
mental illness, as was the case with my relatives. The doctors
were caught as they could not disclose another patients problems
without their permission. So no one could tell me what was wrong
or where to find information, that is why a site like this is
invaluable This site covers more than just mental health it
covers everything and allows us a voice.
I hope it will soon pick up and we can support each other for
those in the background I find it very therapeutic to write my
horrors but understand their are others who find it difficult.
This may help some I was on a site where they replaced the word
mother with Nada which is Spanish for nothing just a thought
that might work. Anyway I'll keep posting and hope others join
in.
one of the many reasons for lack of insight:-
When someone rejects a diagnosis of mental illness, it’s
tempting to say that he's “in denial.” But someone with acute
mental illness may not be thinking clearly enough to consciously
choose denial. They may instead be experiencing “lack of
insight” or “lack of awareness.” The formal medical term for
this medical condition is anosognosia, from the Greek meaning
“to not know a disease.” When we talk about anosognosia in
mental illness, we mean that someone is unaware of their own
mental health condition or that they can’t perceive their
condition accurately. Anosognosia is a common symptom of certain
mental illnesses, perhaps the most difficult to understand for
those who have never experienced it. Anosognosia is relative.
Self-awareness can vary over time, allowing a person to
acknowledge their illness at times and making such knowledge
impossible at other times. When insight shifts back and forth
over time, we might think people are denying their condition out
of fear or stubbornness, but variations in awareness are typical
of anosognosia. - See more at:
HTML http://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Related-Conditions/Anosognosia#sthash.5ZPLagSt.dpuf
HTML http://mhr4c.com.au/coping-strategies/dealing-with-denial/
Around 50% of people with a psychotic illness do not believe
they are ill and refuse treatment. Evidence suggests that denial
of the illness is a symptom of the illness itself.
Health professionals use the term poor insight when referring to
someone who is unaware of their mental illness.
The unwell person may believe that they are not sick and don’t
have any symptoms. This belief will often persist after they are
confronted with overwhelming evidence that they do have a mental
illness.
When dealing with a person with poor insight, do not expect
gratitude, compliance or receptiveness.
You can expect frustration and anger (for both the carer and the
person being cared for, and you can expect overt and secretive
non-compliance with treatment.
Denial has many impacts:
Poor compliance with medication and other treatments
Higher rates of relapse
Increased number of involuntary hospital admissions
Poor psychosocial functioning (i.e. poor behavioural and social
skills)
Poor course of illness: symptoms may intensify, periods of
wellness may shorten
Extreme frustration for carers.
Good luck to all
Mitch
#Post#: 65--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: April 12, 2017, 6:06 am
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??? ??? ??? ???
Hi Folks
my mothers moods were all over the place, I never knew what I
would come home too. I'd be happy finished work and time for
leisure & relaxation then reality hit, my stomach would go into
a knot what would I open the door too? good mood, bad mood or
worst case scenario elation. Yeah ,when elated she would recite
pieces of poetry or sing bits of songs in high pitched voice, it
was rather like an immature schoolgirl being embarrassing. I
don't think she ever set foot in actual reality, she constantly
manipulated and the moods changed from one minute to the next.
One more thing she would talk constantly and sometimes at great
speed, in fact I used to wonder how she did it without being out
off breath?
For a treat on a Sunday I would take her for a drive, this was
always a horrendous experience. From when she got into the
passenger seat and closed the door she would talk, talk and then
talk some more, my head would be dissolved by the time I
returned, usually 3 hrs. later. Her agoraphobia prevented her
form going out like a normal person so I suppose Sunday was a
release mechanism, I endured this in the hope it would make the
next week bearable, it never worked.
Mitch
#Post#: 66--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: April 13, 2017, 6:03 am
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
EASTER
Holidays were always a horrible time for me my mother did not
mind me going away. She told me honestly I don't mind three
weeks before I'd go it would be all picture no sound, if I dared
to say this is because I'm going away for a few days she would
reply in a loud voice " I'M NOT IN A MOOD" Well there you go not
talking is not a mood (LOL) She apparently had agoraphobia so
was unable to go out to do normal shopping. I would have to
stock up on food before I went away, the first thing I always
did when away was, to drink. In fact all my holidays were ruined
by my drinking When I returned it would be horrendous, no stop
talking on how bad everything was, nothing was right, her mouth
was dry from eating biscuits the rest of the food went to feed
the bin,what a useless and stupid fool I was.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
#Post#: 67--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: rehandra Date: April 14, 2017, 5:29 pm
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Like many others I had:
1. parents who were always bickering
2. mother who constantly nagged my father and us two girls
3. when i bought a new dress..."why did you buy that colour why
not green"
4. told me once "I wanted two boys not girls".
5. never said I looked nice
6. never told me she loved me...ever!!
7. no signs of affection to either of us girls...no hugs
nothing.
8. never had a good word about anyone
9. she ended up with dementia
10. told me she "hated her mother" (this was when she was 86
with the dementia)
11.never got told anything about the "birds and the bees" but
was told "if you get in the family way you will be kicked out in
the gutter" no idea at the time what she was talking
about...this was when I was eleven.
12. when i got my first period...can remember to this day. she
went to linen cupboard brought down the necessary things and
said "I have been expecting this...this is what you do and it
will happen every month" that was it.
13. I never brought a boyfriend to house he would not have been
good enough and if was Catholic would not be allowed.
14. Neither parent was at my wedding or my sisters. We both
married overseas
15. I put up a wall in my mind to block out her hurtful words
and I knew I would never be free until she died.
16. At 15 I started work in a bank and was living in a private
boarding house run by two elderly women my parents knew. When I
think back it was a shocking thing to do; dump your child all
alone in a large city at 15 years of age. I survived and did
not ever get into any trouble with men although I remember one
chap a lawyer who lived at the boarding house who came to my
room one night looking for a bit of hanky panky. I would not
let him in...I was smart enough at that age to sense it was
wrong. Fortunately some of the other young people living there
took me under their wing. We had to go out every night to buy
evening meal. It is a time of my life I prefer to forget...I
was too young to be abandoned like that after one year in
boarding school which I loathed as well.
17. Father was detached from raising us kids....He was
physically there, provided well for us...but emotionally neither
of them were there for us girls.
18. Result of our upbringing...sister has had two divorces and
has never been able to sustain relationships even though a very
attractive woman. I have been divorced and remarried but chose
never to have children. I decided at 14 years of age that I did
not want to marry (that changed) but definitely did not want
children.
19. Could have married a couple of times but always ran away
when they got serious. Finally found the right man at 34 years
of age. We both left our
marriages to be together and still together 28 years later.
20. Having a mother who is not there emotionally for you is one
of the most shocking things for a child and I would not wish it
on anyone....it affects your whole life and at 72 years of age
I still feel the sadness deep in my soul.
21. Mother lived on valium most of her life and I now realise
she was mentally ill...her doctor said to me (which was a
shocking way to speak about a patient) once when I visited him
after she had died "your mother was nuts". The war affected
her deeply and maybe this had something to do with a lot of her
behaviour being on her own raising a new baby before my father
came back from war.
22. My sister I believe is also mentally unstable and we no
longer speak,,,but that is another story!
#Post#: 68--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Honey Date: April 16, 2017, 8:14 am
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First, thanks for setting up this website. While it's awful that
so many of us have had to endure a horrible parent it's kind of
comforting to know that you're not the only one. Most of my
adult life no one took me seriously when I moaned about my
mother (as a child I just thought it was normal!)
Rehandra, I think your mum and mine must have gone to the same
training school as I identified 100% with your comments.
I have one (older) sister who could do no wrong and to this day
(we are now in our 60s) she dismisses me and treats me with
disdain. Now that my mother and my (lovely) dad are both dead I
have cut my sister out of my life as I cannot cope with her
negativity towards me. I recently realised that mum's surviving
siblings also treat me the way mum did , though to a lesser
extent. I think that years of being treated without any respect
from mum has rubbed off on other family members, so I have also
freed myself from their criticisms and stopped seeing them too.
I am lucky that I have a very supportive husband (who did
witness mum's treatment towards me - odd, because her public
face was that of an extremely kind / generous person) and I have
a wide circle of friends with whom I never discuss my blood
relatives.
I do wonder- why me? She may have been affected by the war, but
she was kind to my sister. Perhaps she didn't want a second
child and never forgave me for being born.
Whatever the reason, it was a terrible burden to carry and has
affected my confidence and self-esteem all my life.
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