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#Post#: 45--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: warrow Date: March 30, 2017, 12:59 pm
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Hello Everyone
I was so happy to find the my horrid parent website because I
have been thinking for a really long time that I need to talk to
someone about the pain and agony my mother has put me through in
my life and worringly it is something that I can't seem to stop
thinking about on a daily basis.
#Post#: 46--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Lizzy Drippin Date: March 30, 2017, 1:56 pm
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[quote author=Voltaire link=topic=2.msg19#msg19 date=1490355421]
Hi all thanks for inviting me onto this forum which I hope to
use to tell my story.
In the meantime having looked at some of the posts, I can
identify with Mitch in a big way and can only say that I am now
a bigger and better person following my mother's death. I hope
you are making progress.
I'll be back with my story soon.
[/quote]
#Post#: 47--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: elizabeth Date: March 30, 2017, 2:50 pm
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Hi everyone, I have just found this website and it is comforting
to find that other people have similar problems to myself, I
thought I was the only one. I have terrible trouble with my
mother I am 60 yrs old and she will be 80 in July. I feel
ashamed thst she doesn't like me and at the moment we have no
communication with one another, this is easy to deal with but I
know it will not last.
#Post#: 48--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: jvg1986 Date: March 30, 2017, 2:58 pm
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I read about this website through dailymail.com and it struck a
cord in me.
I am 6 months pregnant with my first child, and I am 30 years
old. I was always terrified of having children of my own because
I was scared I would turn out like my mother.
When I was very little, about 1st or 2nd grade, my mother
married a man that seemed perfect for her, but in reality, he
was disgusting.
He started mollesting me as soon as they were married. In the
2nd grade, I had a teacher that saw warning signs and was
concerned for my safety.
I was sent to a school counselor, and my mother was brought in
afterward. She ignored everything they had told her about
fearing I was being mollested by her husband. By the 5th grade
it had gotten so bad that I thought it was normal, i felt it was
something that everyone had happen and that my mother knew. I
honestly believe that she knew the whole time and didnt want to
admit it to herself or she just didnt care.
I finally could not take it anymore when she planned to leave
out of town for the weekend and I was supposed to be alone with
him for 2 days.
When this had happened before, he kept me out of school to
molest me and I could not take it anymore.
I finally told my cousin that he was touching me inappropriately
and refused to be left alone with him anymore.
My mother had called her freind first to ask what she should do,
who told her to call the police and get me to the hospital.
She had also made a phone call to her husband to warn him that
the police were looking for him and what I had said happened. By
the time the police had been able to go to his work, he was
already gone hiding out. I did not want to go back home until I
knew he was in jail and wasnt able to hurt me anymore. We ended
up going to her friends house after being at the hospital and
questioned until all hours of the night. At about 430 am, she
woke me up and told me that we had to go home and wait for him
because she was worried about him and needed to see him.
Fortunatley, her freind had let her know that I was not going
anywhere and was staying with her until he was caught.
This was 2 days after christmas, and it was the hardest thing I
had ever had to do at that point in my life. From the time I had
told my mom what happened, she had always blamed me. she started
telling me that my whole family feels I ruined our lives by
telling them I was molested, that I should have jsut kept my
mouth shut.
I had to go in front of 3 grand jurys, alone, and go to
cousneling. If it was not for my dad, and my Grandmother, I dont
think I would have been abel to make it through that time.
When it came time for me to go and speak at trial, my mother
sent me away saying that if I testified, he would get more time
and that was not fair to him. She had continued to see him
throughout this whole process and believed that I had 'over
exagereated' what had been done to me. Even after he had
admitted to trying to rape me repeatedely and that he had been
doing it for years.
When he had gone to jail, my cousin had been in the same jail
cell with him and decided to handle things his own way and beat
him up. My mother said that was unfair and that he didnt deserve
that.
She stayed with him for 3 years after I told her what he did to
me, and in the end, he left her because he didnt want to be with
her.
During counseling, I was able to confront the man that had
molested me for years, and have any of my family ther that I
chose. My mother said she was ther to support me, still only
being 12 years old I wanted to believe so bad that she really
meant it. My father and my grandmother were ther as well. My
mother chose to sit next to him and after the meeting, chased
him down to see why he would not speak to her and why he didnt
want to be with her anymore. At the family dinner afterwards,
she left to go meet up with him because she felt that I was too
hard on him.
From that point on, our relationship was never the same.
She started dating a guy that was closer to my age then hers,
and if he would speak to me, or try to be nice to me in any way,
she would be jealous and tell me that I am trying to take her
man away.
Any other guy she dated from that point on, she considered me
the enemy. We moved away from my family and to another state,
and I was left with her as my only family. After a year I moved
back to my home state with my Father because I was always
treated as someone she was in competition with, not as her
child.
AS the years went on, I decided I needed to confront her on our
past and how I felt betrayed by her. Her response was that I did
not remember and that she was the victim because her life was
ruined and I should have respected her feelings.
We haev not had a relationship in about 6 years. I found out she
was trying to communicate with her ex again and wanting to be
with him. That was the ultimate betrayal for me. And hearing
that she believed I had made a lot of things up and she didnt
believe that I was telling the truth, was the last straw for me.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders by not
having to speak to her anymore. After I found out I was
pregnant, I was worried that she would want to try and contact
me and able involved, I would never want my son to deal with the
type of person she is.
Sometimes I wander if it bothers her at all not to have a
relationship with me, she has one with my brother that she would
bend over backwards for. But i know that for me, its better to
not have her in my life. To not have to deal with her accusing
me of trying to sleep with her boyfriends, or hear her lies
about how I was somehow wrong by telling her the truth. Her
family does not really speak to me since I quit talking to my
mother. But I dont feel I need to explain why I dont speak to
her. They all know the whole story and what she had done.
I have a women in my life who has filled that void for me, I
call her my mom and she considers me her daughter. I dont feel
like I have missed out on anything by not having my 'real' mom
in the picture, I think I am doing better than I would be with
her in the picture.
#Post#: 49--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: redhawk Date: March 30, 2017, 5:17 pm
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Thanks for letting me join.
There are three distinct memories which still haunt me even
though my mother has been gone for 31 years.
1. Every year on my birthday, before a present or cake or even
the call of "Happy Birthday", I was made to sit in a chair to
listen to the story of my birth. Now I know loads of people
have been told by their parents about the day they were born &
it was/is probably a good memory for them. This isn't one of
those stories. This is one where it didn't matter if there were
other relatives there or even my friends, I/we still had to hear
it. Here is what I was told every year (in first person
narrative as my mother).
I went into labor with you at 7 pm the night before so I
couldn't eat anything. I wasn't able to tell your father
because his brother came over to play cards with a couple of
neighbors & women were banned from the room. They stopped
playing at midnight but I'd gone to bed. I didn't sleep the
whole night. At 5 am I went to the hospital. They said I
couldn't have anything to eat because labor had started again.
You finally decided to arrive at 10:05 am. I stood on the scale
afterwards & hadn't lost a single pound after having you. And
then the nurses didn't want to let me have lunch but I insisted
your father get me something. Because of you I missed dinner,
breakfast & almost lunch so you better by grateful you're
getting anything today.
2. When I was 18 my mother told me I'd better marry the first
person who asked me because nobody else was going to want me. I
believed her so I eventually did. And endured years of
emotional and verbal abuse. When I finally got the chance to
get away, I took it without a second thought. Because I finally
knew that I wasn't the "old, fat, crippled, useless, unwanted"
piece of nothing I'd been told I was by the now ex.
3. When I was 21 my mother was in the hospital. Before she'd
gone in, she nagged me to remember the dog was to go to the vet.
When the ambulance took her at stupid o'clock in the morning,
I'd gone with my father to be with her. After 5 hours sat in a
hard chair, I was exhausted. I stood at her bed & said I was
going to go back to the house, shower & take the dog for his
appointment then I'd be back. And as I was saying this, I lay
my hand on her leg & gave it one gentle downward stroke. The
kind of stroke you do to someone's hair or back as a
reassurance. Without opening her eyes she snarled, "Stop that!
God Dammit you're a pain in the ass. Always have been."
I walked away without saying anything more. She died 10 minutes
after I returned but the crash cart team was with her so I
wasn't allowed in. When they finally let my father & I see her,
he was an emotional wreck but I could only stand there thinking
about the last words she said to me. And I knew that she meant
exactly what she had said.
#Post#: 50--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Elppab Date: March 30, 2017, 5:19 pm
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My mother married my father ( a man from a much lower
socioeconomic class) because she got pregnant with me while at
university. She had me and 18 months later my next sister. My
parents eventually had five children. When I was a child she was
physically and psychologically abusive to me for any, and all
infractions. She was a hard and stern parent to my other
siblings also, but it was obvious to all my siblings that I was
frequently picked on for cruel and unusual punishments, and was
never let off the hook for anything. My lower face was always
filled with scabs because her favourite assault when I was
between 7 and 12 was to grab me by the cheek and jaw with her
long sharp manicured nails (interestingly no one at my private
school ever asked me why my face was always such a mess - well
it was the 70's) Even though I m a photocopy of her physically
and she is a beautiful woman, she would frequently tell me I was
ugly and that I would never amount to anything.
My father (RIP) was a functional alcoholic, but was a kind,
tactile, fun, funny, intelligent, affectionate and generous man.
All the affection and validation I got as a child came from him.
My immediate younger sister took advantage of the dynamic
between my mother and I to bully and control me while we were
children (eating my food confiscating my toys, blackmailing me
with telling my mother about things I had broken, and this
started when I was 8 and she only 6) I unconsciously allowed it
to continue until after about 30 (22 years ago) I realised that
She did not like me, and I did not like her either, was even a
little scared of her.
In my early 20's fortunately for me, I became successful,
eventually married a man of a different race and nationality,
and moved to a totally different continent so I would not have
to deal with or interact with my family except on my own terms.
My mother and I seemed to get closer in my early 20's and I
blanked out all that had gone before.
10 years ago my business got into difficulties and as I had
become a single mother not supported by my ex husband in any
way , I decided my daughter was my financial and emotional
priority and had to scale back on my financial largesse to my my
mother and siblings. That is when I realised that nothing had
changed, my mother was still hostile to me for whatever her
reasons were. But she loves money and status and while I was
doing well, she was doing whatever was necessary to stay in my
good books. As soon as the goodies and jollies dried up, I was
just the scapegoat child once again. Of course now that I was no
longer a child it manifested itself in her taking sides in
conflicts between my siblings and I - that always seemed to end
in my being adjudicated the erring party irrespective of what
they had done to me.
I have one child, fathered by my first husband (I am presently
married to my third husband) and I consciously chose to have her
and she was a beautiful and happy child, I loved her with all my
heart and she bless her cotton socks loved me back. She is now
just completing her LLM and LPC simultaneously. I am very proud
of her and she says I am her idol. We are very close, and my
relationship with her is the envy of many people around us.
These days, I call my mother every Sunday to see how she is
doing when I can and I send her gifts and the like when I have
spare money. But I don't go out of my way and or put myself in
any sort of discomfort to accommodate her or any of my siblings
especially my mean scary sister. My husband and my daughter love
me and I love them also. I don't need the validation of my
mother or siblings and since my father died 10 years ago, they
all suddenly realised that I am totally unbothered and unmoved
by all the pettiness and drama, and that I live for myself, my
daughter and husband, they realised that they can't manipulate
or blackmail me into anything. It's interesting how many people
in my situation get stuck on trying to change reality instead of
facing it and acting accordingly.
So here's my take on my family situation. My mother was a spoilt
rich 20 year old girl who got pregnant out of wedlock for a man
20 years older than her, at a time when the only option for a
girl from her background was marriage. Instead of accepting her
choices and their consequences, she decided to take out her rage
and dissatisfaction on me the unwanted pregnancy. She was a
bossy and frequently critical wife but she took good care of my
father and the family affairs, but was frequently angry, violent
and unpleasant especially towards me.
My fathers alcoholism is I assume a consequence of his traumatic
childhood, which began when his father died unexpectedly when he
was 11 and left no will but a mess of women and children (a
mistress and 5 children) my grandmother had 3 children and the
mistress decided to go to court to pursue a bigger share of the
estate even though she lived in a house built for her and her
children by my grandfather. The acrimonious process took a long
hard 6 years and my grandmother who had never worked a day in
her life had to take on menial jobs and small time trading to
keep her and her children going in the interim. My dad not only
had to start working and contributing when he was not in school
from age 11 and he was really brought up in the streets during
those 6 years because his mother was working trying to hold
everything together. The court case was of course eventually won
by my grandmother, who was the legally married widow. The
mistress assumed or was lied to by my grandfather that 2 other
properties belonged to him that in fact belonged to my
grandmother who had inherited them from her parents. She got the
house she already lived in and my grandmother got her marital
home.
In spite of, or perhaps because of his life experiences my
father was a very spiritual and ethical person (hard to believe
in an alcoholic, even a functional one) he was a straightforward
man, an intellectual giant, who took no prisoners and detested
artifice and injustice. He was a big child with his children and
showered us with sweets, toys, gadgets, new experiences, hugs,
affection and attention. His drinking got worse after he retired
early for various reasons. He loved my mother, and indulged and
pampered her also, but the alcoholism and the many effects of
living with it were of course my mothers reality as his wife.
I thought my mother hated me until I left home at 19 to go to
university. As I started making friends from all types of
backgrounds, I realised that my mother did love me, she loved me
how she knew to love. I was able to analyse my childhood because
I had other childhoods to compare mine with. I was privately
educated, even though it was sometimes tough for my parents with
all of us in private schools, very well fed and clothed,
protected from harm, taught how to cook, clean and keep home,
dissuaded from bad decisions and associations, encouraged to
pursue education; even though she never acknowledged my
victories, and always dwelt on my faults and mistakes.
I realised that my mother was just a very flawed person who was
parenting based on her conditioning and take-no responsibility
character. Control, violence and anger were her coping
mechanisms. I did not hate her but realised I didn't want to be
around her because of how she made me feel. I never returned to
live at home even though all my siblings except mean sister all
lived at home until they married.
Our relationship now is warm and cordial because I live very far
away as I've done from the age of 23. I've even told her she was
a great mother; even though mean sister has told her that she
was a horrible mother. I don't really have a good relationship
with mean sister even though we speak on the phone from time to
time. She has made some of the same choices my mother did as a
young woman and is now unhappily married to someone she looks
down on and has two children. She appears to have become a
hoarder and even though she is a successful lawyer. Her home is
in a shambolic state, and she seems a terribly depressed person.
I feel sympathy for her' but like with my mother I find it very
stressful coping with her 'energy' for any significant length of
time, so a meal at a restaurant or at my home is fine but her
staying with me when she is in town I can't cope with. She is
now angry, controlling and mean like my mum was, without my
mothers generousity and strength, to somehow balance things out.
I extend my sympathy and lots of virtual hugs and kisses to
anyone that had a trying childhood. Thank God you are an adult,
now and don't have to deal
/interact with anything or anyone you don't want to. It did not
kill you it only made you stronger. Remember no matter what
dogma and the tribe tell you, self-love comes first.
#Post#: 51--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: sharonklb Date: March 30, 2017, 8:21 pm
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I read that poem and it really touched on how i feel at times
:'(
My story is a mother who managed to alienate me from my
siblings/my father/use my children as weapons and treated me
with total disdain most of my life! My sister was the chosen
child and she was brutal with her feelings and honest comments
throughout my formative years.
I constantly ran away from home as a child to my
grandmothers...i was 10 years old, getting on a bus to escape
and find some solace and when she died when i was 15 (40 years
ago), i became lost and confused as to what i ever did to have a
mother who hated me so much.
She would tell people that she had 2 daughter and my sister was
the prettier one....openly said that because i was born
prematurely, she decided to get pregnant straight a way, in case
i died...would never give me compliments or pat me on the back
for achievements, to the point that I would ask her how i looked
if i was going out and she would just say alright...but would
then gush over how my sister looked fantastic etc...this caused
many problems with body dysmorphia throughout my life and eating
disorders were also a problem...i always felt like the ugly
sibling.
Many years of the behaviour followed and it became a
battleground i no longer wished to be part of and walked away
for around 8 years after my father witnessed an incident which
he knew was cruel and wrong, but sided with them both.
They found out that i was chronically ill in a chat with a
relative and arrived on my doorstep with promises of change and
how my father had realised that he was wrong and it would never
happen again...she appeared to have changed and even cried
showed emotion at missing me for years....in that time i got on
with my life, moved to another part of the country, backpacked
around the world (my illness is lymes associated due to being
bitten by ticks whilst travelling and i was also diagnosed with
bipolar1).
They eventually encouraged me to move back to their home and
they would all look after me....i believed them and gave up my
life and my possessions, wanting to be a part of the family.
After 4 months, i was out of that house, no money, no
possessions, the family divided...because she reverted to old
and decided that i was wrong to arrange a birthday party for my
father, which involved getting his distant family involved...i
managed to upset her by taking the phone handset into my room
instead of putting it back in its cradle and i had too many
opinions about the refitting of her kitchen (my work life
involved running a business in construction and i addressed bad
workmanship, mentioning they were not up to standard!).
Again, i started from scratch and my sister never spoke to me
again after moving out...my parents turned on my children, my
brother witnessed this and chose to ignore it and the cycle
began all over again.
I wrote my father a letter...he ignored it. I then found out he
was in hospital and visited him. She walked past me because she
was so annoyed at me having the gaul to visit him, like i was a
complete stranger....and then he informed me that he loved her
more than me and i was a big girl now and should just go away
and lead my own life! As i walked away in bits, he said "love
you"! I turned and said that he did not and walked away from
that visit in tears and emotionally scarred for life. He sent my
pleas for his love back by putting the letter i sent him into a
box of stuff i had picked up from their home...for months she
claimed it was not at her property and when she thought i may
knock on the door for it, she transferred it to my brothers
house and claimed it had been there all the time...he of course
involved himself in this deceit.
I once saw my father a few months later and he tried to avoid
me, so i stepped in front of him...it was like speaking to a
stranger. Again i felt gutted that i was treated this way, after
all the promises and hopes had been shattered by something i can
and will not acknowledge as something i ever deserved.
She now has alzheimers and i found this out from a 3rd
party...not even acknowledged enough to be told this by my
father, who informed the other person, that my brother and
sister were doing their bit to help him out in being her carer
and they were all coping very well on their own.
So, i have difficult relationship problems, i am not needy for
other people, but find i have a very low tolerance for lack of
morals, common decency and do not have a problem from walking
away from situations which place me into conflict and
stress....trust is always an issue and i know, all the years
spent trying to help and be a good daughter, were wasted on a
narcissistic mother and father who turned a blind eye to
everything, helped by the chosen 2! My elder brother removed
himself years ago and has no contact at all, so i am not the
only victim in this story....he once said "they will crap on you
just like they did with me", and he now does not contact any of
us.
I have been told that Bipolar1 is sometimes a condition which
can be associated with severe prem births (i was born at 6
months, weighing 2lbs) and was concerned that i may have been
displaying Borderline Personality Disorder, like my mother but
this was assessed and reconfirmed as BP1.
Everyday is a struggle, my own children have witnessed all of
this and in some ways it has affected my relationships with
them...but there is a little fist which flew out of a cot when i
was born, which still raises up at the very low points and
shouts " i will keep fighting in the face of this"!
I am so pleased to have found this forum and be able to
associate with the same problems being repeated time and time
again...it is a reaffirmation, that WE are not the
offenders...WE are just the victims!
Love and hugs to all
Sharon x
#Post#: 52--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Erinlassie68 Date: March 31, 2017, 5:38 am
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Hi am new to this and will share my story soon. just found the
site, but need to go to an appointment , will chat later :)
#Post#: 53--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 31, 2017, 6:54 am
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Hi all,
I've been on this board for approx. one or two weeks and it
seems to be taking off. I am glad to share and hopefully provide
useful information when I can. For me this is a dream come true
somewhere to validate my story with people who really
understand. At 17 my father died leaving me with my mother and a
few streets away my aunt, my aunt and mother hated each other
but woe-betide you talked about either. I lived in Belfast 1968
the start of the troubles very little money I was the sole
provider.
After many years I finally found a name for what was wrong with
my mother (Borderline Personality Disorder), i was on website
that dealt with agoraphobia one of the many things my mother
thought she had, the owner of the site recommend some sites to
me and Bingo I found BPD and the glove fitted. My aunt I thought
had a SPD (schizoid) and I spoke with their doctors privately
and they agreed this is also their thinking. I was 37 and I'm
now 65.
What I've learned in between 37-65 is:-
Psychiatrists, and perhaps British psychiatrists more than most,
are ambivalent about whether to regard personality disorders as
mental illnesses. Until recently, there was no compelling reason
for attempting to resolve the issue, but the situation was
transformed in 1999 when the UK Government made it clear that it
intended to introduce legislation in England and Wales for the
compulsory and potentially indefinite detention of people with
what it called ‘dangerous severe personality disorder’, whether
or not they had been convicted of a serious criminal offence
(Home Office & Department of Health, 1999). It is likely that
some of these people, almost all of them men, will be detained
in prisons and others in high-security hospitals. However, the
European Convention on Human Rights, which was incorporated into
UK legislation by the Human Rights Act 1998, prohibits the
detention of anyone who has not been convicted by a competent
court unless they are ‘of unsound mind, alcoholics or drug
addicts or vagrants’ or their detention is ‘for the prevention
of the spreading of infectious diseases’. This means that, to
prevent a successful judicial challenge, the Government will
have to argue that the potentially dangerous men it wishes to
incarcerate are ‘of unsound mind’, and this means maintaining
that they have personality disorders, and that personality
disorders are mental disorders.
This site covers much more than just PD's but it does give us
all space to air our views. PD's are very complex and we can see
from the above there is a huge gap in the services I believe
they are links to domestic abuse etc. which is not being picked
up because most of these people are never diagnosed and don't
appear on stats anywhere?
I'll take a breather and I'll be back again
Best Wishes to all
Mitch
#Post#: 55--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: susieb Date: April 1, 2017, 9:00 am
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My sister sent me a link to the article in the newspaper and now
I have read through the website it has stirred up many ghosts of
the past and of what I am still going through since mum had a
fall last year and turned into an unrecognisable person that is
happy enough to call the police making many accusations towards
me and my sister. Thank you for opening up and sharing as
although I feel sad and angry, some weight has gone of my
shoulders.
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