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#Post#: 32--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Stonedheart81 Date: March 30, 2017, 3:19 am
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Hi everybody I just registered to this ...I don't know if I'm
ready to tell my story but I wanted to post this I wrote when I
was about 12...hard to believe that was only 24 years ago...I
figured out at a young age that hiding a writing book and
writing poetry helped me release the build up inside ....your
mum is supposed to be the one person in the world your supposed
to be able to trust and rely on but what if she is the one that
causes you the most pain of all....I moved half away cross the
world so as to never see her hear from her...she finally got her
wish because I'm dead to her which is what she always
wanted...anyways I hope it's OK to post this here..
stolen innocence
where was you when i wanted to die
just carried on pretending to live a lie
not one look of guilt upon your face
not one look of sorrow from that time or place
you kept pretending everything was fine
you didn't see the hurt in these eyes of mine
how could you just walk away
even when i cried for you to come back and stay
the moment you did that, i then knew
i no longer felt any love for you
hate and anger took over its place
you probably saw it upon my face
could you see the look in my eyes
from the look of warmth to the look of ice
in stolen innocence you played your part
i was never there, never in your heart
i should have been number one in your life
i was your child before you became his wife
now your sad and all alone
i don't give 2 fucks I've got my home
now its my time to do the walking away
nothing you can say will make me stay
here's goodbye from me to you
never again will i say i love you
#Post#: 33--------------------------------------------------
The last 2 months
By: alyage3 Date: March 30, 2017, 3:29 am
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Im not really 3. I am nearly 45. A year ago I had a car
accident. Someone smashed into me doing 70 whilst I was
stationary waiting for a farmer to get a cow off the road. I
have some low level brain injury. Two months ago I tried to
throw myself off a motorway bridge. All hail the mighty truck
driver who waved at me with the biggest smile. It stopped being
about me and became about him. He was someones son, father,
brother. I had no right to risk his life in ending mine.
What has happened according to the psychiatrist who is trying to
stop someone the world thought was uber capable from ending her
life is that that accident, those injuries took away every
coping mechanism I had ever tried to put in place and I had to
deal with my vulnerable self. My vulnerable self is a 3 year old
child who was physically, emotionally and it turns out sexually
abused by her Grandmother and her Mother - or so we thought.
Flashbacks - weird ones and long drawn out Hollywood style
entities have been a part of daily routine. They fall on me as
pieces of a jig thrown from a box into the air that I have to
bring together and interpret. On Tuesday I could not get out of
my car. My husband had to come home and get me out of the car
and into the house where promptly I went to pieces for an entire
day. I have very few memories of my childhood. What is there is
pain and anger, violence and rage, being locked in rooms for
days at a time. My earliest and most vivid memory is banging the
door against my Grandfathers head as he lay on the floor having
a suffered a fatal stroke. Someone came and took the door out. I
was wrapped in a woollen blanket that itched my skin. I was 3
and I had been naked with my Grandfather in the toilet and the
room that toilet was in, ironically, was the size of a coffin. I
remember having lots of conversations with my feet in the bath,
bent over, whilst my Grandmother or mother washed my genital
area harshly and for extended periods, something I previously
had thought was them abusing me. I realise they were complicit.
They were the 'clean up team'.
My Grandmother hated me from that day on. She was every model of
'mother' on the list on this site. She would sooner beat me with
a metal walking stick than have a have a conversation with me
about the weather. My mother went to work 9-5, 5 days a week.
Such was the nature of our house Saturday and Sunday were taken
up with chores. She had no time for me. I asked her once why we
had to live with my Grandmother and she said "we'd end up on a
council estate and she didnt want that for me." Having children
of my own now who are my absolute world, I see she either didnt
want that for her, or she had been me and was too insecure, too
scared of living without the control to leave.
I have tried for 42 years to hide this. I have boxed it up and
put in over my shoulder and worked myself into the ground so it
never comes back again but it has and now exhausted and raw I
have to face it. Now I am medicated to the hilt as my brain
unpacks years of abuse and horridness and throws image after
image after image at me.
The most important thing - this happened to me in the 70's when
children with bruises and broken bones were clumsy and adults
were believed, is to talk to anyone, someone as soon as you
possibly can. Put it out there. Don't do a 40 year sentence when
you are the innocent in all of this. The sooner you start to
talk, the less of a blight it will be to your future.
You are strong and you can do this.
#Post#: 34--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Megan Date: March 30, 2017, 3:44 am
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Hi Glad to have found this website and forum.
So good to have somewhere share experiences, having a difficult
mum is such a taboo. Only understood by those who have
experienced it. If you make the slightest suggestion that a mum
was less than perfect most people behave as if you are being
nasty and ungrateful.
My mum is completely self obsessed and doesn't like other women.
Realise now she just sees them as competition. I can never
remember her ever showing any affection. She basically persued
her hobbies. I was the oldest daughter and from as young as I
can remember did all the cooking, cleaning etc for the family.
My mum took no interest in my education. If I passed exams she
just said how she would have done better.
As I grew up she was clearly angry with me for just growing up.
She wouldn't let me have sanitary towels for eg.
I funded myself through uni, I worked through the summer
holidays. My mum would tell a story to force me emotionally to
lend her the money I had saved for college fees. But she would
never pay the money back. Realise now she was trying to stop me
going to college.
She is vain in the extreme even in her 80s. She used to refuse
to introduce me & my siblings to people she knew as she didn't
want them to think she was old enough to have teenagers (when in
her 40s).
My son had serious health problems all his life, but she gave no
support & has given none since he died. I feel like I expect
many on this forum do, as if I have never had a mum.
Like many I constantly try , even having her to visit. But it is
always the same, me running around after her and her being
nasty.
It was easier when my sister was around as we supported each
other, but she died of cancer. Again I was supporting everyone.
My brothers don't get it. She tends to hero worship them, even
to the extent of saying things I had bought for her eg washing
machine, were given to her by my brothers.
To be honest I feel exhausted by it all.
Thank you for listening
#Post#: 35--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: TomsMom Date: March 30, 2017, 5:03 am
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I lost Mildred in 2013. I am the youngest of 10, and carry scars
of having her in my life for 42 yrs. I think this is a wonderful
site, allowing ppl to get their experiences off their chest.
Many probably have never had a chance to put a voice to their
experiences, and help them to heal. Mildred gave birth to 10
kids, but was a Mother to one. I remember looking at her when I
was about 12, thinking we have a cook and a housekeeper, but we
don't have a Mother. She offended most of her kids, and the one
that she put on a pedestal ignored her at the end of her life. I
never married, and despite loving kids, never had them, as I
feared that the cycle would repeat itself. I saw Dr. Phil McGraw
on American t.v. say after the person passes, to picture her
sitting in a chair and to voice your rage to help you heal... I
did that repeated, and still couldn't get my hurt and rage out.
She just wasn't emotionally there...she would ignore you if her
chosen child was around. I didn't matter how much you did to
help, there never was a 'thank you' or any show of appreciation,
nothing ever seemed to be enough. Just before she passed away,
my twin told Mildred she was a failure as a Mother. I think she
needed to hear that, I just didn't have the back bone to tell
her myself. She used to tell us that we were going to miss her.
It's been 13 years now, and I still don't. I told her when she
laid in her hospital bed, sleeping, that she had killed any love
I had for her, and that giving birth to a child, didn't make you
a Mother, you earn that title. I have had therapy most of my
adult life (I'm now 55), to deal with the cancer of having her
and her family in my life. I now feel free of the past, the hurt
and the pain, but it's taken me 13 yrs to get here, and cherish
each day. I looked after her in the past 16 yrs of her life (she
died a wk before her 84th birthday). It was ironic that the two
(my twin & I) who she ignored, were there to help her, she died
an angry, bitter old woman. A therapist told me she was a burden
long before I wanted to admit she was, but I reconciled that
with what I thought was my responsibility as a child, to look
after her, and put up with her abuse in her final years. She had
10 kids, many of them professionals who at the end of her life
wanted nothing to do with her. It has taken a lot to get to the
point in my life where I am, but I am also now at peace, and
jealously guard my life, as to not allow my siblings back into
my life, to discuss Mildred and her treatment of us. I always
knew the 'train wreck' in my life would be when she passed away,
trying to reconcile what I should have had for a Mother and what
I had. I lost a brother when I was 10 in a car accident, if she
stopped caring because of her loss, but she was a Mother to one.
#Post#: 39--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Jasmine196 Date: March 30, 2017, 6:02 am
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Hi,
I've just found this website, and would like to share some of my
experiences with a 'difficult' mother. Mine falls into the
emotionally unavailable/angry category.
I only recently finally admitted that I preferred it when she
wasn't there, dreading seeing the brake lights on her car as it
turned into our road. A typical day was to get up, and go to
school. When she was there (not at her boyfriends), she would
get up later. She would leave a £1 for dinner, so that I or my
sister could check the cupboards and buy something to make
dinner (and woe betide us if we didn't). On her return dinner
was put in front of her, she would ask for the change, eat the
food, fall asleep, or go out to said boyfriend. She neither
cared for nor to wanted to be with us. If challenged she would
hit out, and still go out.
I, as the oldest bore the brunt of her legendary temper. She
would generally use the back rather than the front of her hand,
going for the face. One of her favourite tricks was to call or
call me "it", inviting my siblings to join in.
The irony of all this is she was a Social Worker, committed to
helping those in need.
I have struggled with low self-esteem all my life, never knowing
what love is, or how to accept it, so I am on my own now.
I should also say that my mother is a toxic alcoholic, and it
has taken a lifetime to realise that, of course, we were never
part of her world, as her primarly relationship was, and remains
with alcohol.
One good thing is that I brought my son up, never hitting him,
never (well almost) not listening to him and being there for
him., and never, never calling him IT.
Thanks for listening.
#Post#: 40--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 30, 2017, 7:14 am
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Alyage3
What a dreadful story my heart goes out to you my story was not
violent but emotionally and verbally abusive, my mother was very
manipulative and very good at making me feel guilty.
I hope those horrible memories are beginning to fade talking
with people who understand will help.
may you begin to heal
Mitch
PS a good book to read "Understanding The Borderline Mother"
#Post#: 41--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 30, 2017, 9:04 am
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::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Wow what dreadful stories we have too tell, but I think this
does us good releasing the toxic material from us
She killed my budgie when i was a small child. Killed my 10 year
old cat (this may have been an accident).
When first married, my mother and father rented a flat.In a big
old house in Holywood. Mr Charlie was the landlord and lived on
the premises, he was over ninety. My mother hated this flat.Mr
Charlie obliged and duly fell down the stairs. He broke his
neck.
My mothers father when he was in his seventies, fell down the
stairs and was badly injured.
My father was terminally ill. He fell down the stairs, was
hospitalized and died a week later.
A lot of people falling down stairs. off course this could have
been natural and just happened. Whatever!, no one will ever
know.???
I find at 65 I now very little about my family background as in
my house I've found history was re-written....I'm just glad this
board is alive and kicking
You need a licence to keep a dog, need I say any more
Good Luck to all
Mitch
??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???
#Post#: 42--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Bonnie5649 Date: March 30, 2017, 9:06 am
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My mam doesnt really fit any of these catergories.
She left school in 70's at the age of 15 pretty uneducated even
for a 15 year old. She was pregnant with me and no sign of my
father. To this day she refuses to tell me anything.
This isnt because it was traumatic but because "its her
business".
I cannot remember 1 instant of affection from her. She wasnt
abusive, angry or violent and hasnt really put me down (too my
face).
She married my step dad when I was 3 and moved me to Germany (he
was a soldier) away from the only people I remember having
"healthy loving relationships" with. My granparents and my Aunt
and cousin.
I remember running away to a school at a pre school age as my
mam was always in bed and dad at work. She never wanted anyone
to know anything about any of our business. If someone said I
did something she would never defend me she would just see it as
an embarrasment to herself.
We would get puppies for a few weeks until it became a chore and
they would suddenly be gone. In high school she had me going to
school in factory shoes that she got free with her job (we were
not short of money). And made me go in a summer dress which was
blue and white when the uniform was grey and black.. weird!!
Through out my childhood 3 - 12 years old. I did suffer some
sexual abuse (nothing done to me but expected to touch him) by
the man who was supposed to be my dad. I once tried to bring
this up with her but was stopped dead, I was left with no
illusion that she was aware but not willing / strong enough to
face it and mess up her "perfect" life..
Since leaving home at 16 I avoid contact as much as possible as
does my brother but my sister who was 3 when I left has a
different upbringing completely, they are really close infact my
sister is a mini version of her. The stand in judgement of
everyone and everything and are the most negative miserable
people I have EVER met.
My step grandmother once told me that my mam says I have never
showed her any love and that I dont allow her to be a
grandmother.. My kids are close to all there relatives but not
my mam, she thinks people dont care if they dont make the effort
yet she doesnt make any.
Me and my brother are very successful and are in loving caring
relationships but my sisiter still lives at home and has no
friends at all, my mams the same. Yet they think me and my
brother are to blame for everything.
Is it me?? Im wondering now as I cant fit her into a catergory..
#Post#: 43--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 30, 2017, 10:02 am
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::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Bonnie5649,
You're mother does clearly have many issues, as to not fitting
in. She fits very snugly into abuse, she sent you out in
ridiculous cloths That's a form of abuse & definitely not the
normal. Not telling you about your biological father is also
abuse (emotional) while it is her business it is also your
business, you have every right to know who your father is. Then
its up to alone if you want to make contact. At the very least
your mother should have spoken to your stepfather or as most
people would do is report him.
You need to read and learn as much as possible this will help
unlock all emotional abuse you suffered and thank god this site
is open so we can all talk.
I would recommend you check out www.bpdcentral.com &
www.BPDFamily.com you will find them interesting and maybe spot
your mother in them. Be careful diagnosing it really takes a
professional to do this but you will find good information on
these sites.
Hope this helps
Mitch
#Post#: 44--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 30, 2017, 10:18 am
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:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Hi Jasmine196
social workers YUK,
don't mean to offend all the excellent social workers but the
bad apples need routed out:-
Apart from the doctors I had never spoken to anyone face to face
about my difficulties.My union in conjunction with the company I
worked for, set up a mechanism whereby they would have a
councilor from the social services If anyone needed this
service.It would be private between the councilor and
yourself,they would supply the time and a place for the meeting.
I requested a meeting and this was quickly set up, I was to meet
Jack hawking and we were given an office for privacy.
Mr Jack hawking went through the preliminaries and then asked
what I wanted to talk about.Remember I was living in world war
three every day off my life since my fathers death 20 years
prior.. When Mr Jack Hawking asked this question I felt myself
starting to shake as I was talking.So I lit up a cigarette by
now I was vibrating, all this emotion locked up inside me for
over 20 years.Well now the very wonderful Mr Jack Hawking closed
his folder,stood up, and said "there is nothing I can do for
you" and promptly left the room. I was in total shock and did
not know what to do,needless to say this set me back from
seeking help and had a very bad effect on me.If I had the hold
of Mr Hawking today it would be a very different story, I can
assure you he would never do this to anyone else.
We must strengthen our esteem and realize we are strong. WE ARE
SURVIVORS
We need to feel good about ourselves and this site is packed
with good advice
Mitch
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