DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
My Horrid Parent
HTML https://myhorridparent.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: My Difficult Parent
*****************************************************
#Post#: 12--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: clare low Date: March 22, 2017, 6:01 am
---------------------------------------------------------
What a very sad story - I am so sorry to hear what you have been
through. It sounds like what ever you do will feel complicated
and painful. You might find some helpful ideas on our website.
It is important for you to look after yourself and your family
above all. It also sounds as though you have made a great
success of your life with your own family and your career so you
have overcome a lot of difficulties already.
#Post#: 13--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 22, 2017, 6:22 am
---------------------------------------------------------
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Yep Merionvw
sounds very similar to my story all the arguments. You did right
taking yourself away from a very toxic situation. Do not feel
guilty one probably has BPD the other may have taken the easy
path and been an enabler or both could have been personality
disordered. As for making contact again remember to set good
boundaries and do not get involved in any arguments. The person
with BPD is responsible for his or her own actions and
behaviors. The 3 C's are: I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I
can't control it.
A good book to read is "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and also
"Understanding The Borderline Mother" both are excellent books
on BPD
What ever you do I wish you luck
Take care
Mitch
#Post#: 14--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Annie Date: March 22, 2017, 7:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Another extremely good book to read is Difficult Mothers by Dr
Terri Apter. I found it life changing as i learnt that the only
person I could hope to change was myself..... I would never
change my mother and it was hopeless to go on hoping for
improvement. As a result I stopped going into child mode when
with her and started behaving like the adult i was able to say
no, able to stand up for myself and able to protect myself.
#Post#: 15--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 23, 2017, 8:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
:o ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
I think this poem fits:-
by Charles C. Finn, As read by Roscoe on WBAI, April 1967
Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I
wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm
afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art
that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake
don't be fooled.I give you the impression I'm secure and that
all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm
and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me,
please don't believe me My surface may be smooth, but my surface
is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it
dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my
smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone
to know it I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being
exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide
behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend--
to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is
precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is
if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's
the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own
self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so
painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of
what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I
don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to. I'm afraid
that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your
laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and
that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me. So
I play my game; my desperate pretending; with the facade of
assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins
the parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks
and my life becomes a front. I idle chatter to you in suave
tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really
nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying
within me. So when I'm through going through my routine, do not
be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to
hear what I'm not saying--what I'd like to be able to say, but
for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I dislike
hiding, honestly, I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine,
spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me, you've got to
hold out your hand, even when it's the last thing I seem to want
or need. You can help wipe away from my eyes--the blank stare of
grieving dead. You can help call me into aliveness each time
you're kind, gentle and encouraging. Each time you try to
understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow
wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. If you
choose to, please choose to. You can help break down the wall
behind which I tremble. You can encourage me to remove my mask.
You can help release me from my shadowed world of panic and
uncertainty. From my lonely prison. So do not pass me by--
please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A lone
conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you
approach me, the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but
despite what books say about man, I am irrational, I fight
against the very things that I cry out for, but I am told love
is stronger than strong walls. In this lies my hope, my only
hope, please help beat down those walls with firm hands, but
with gentle hands--for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you
may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man
you meet and I am every women you meet.
I believe the disordered persons self esteem is low that they
build a mask unknown to their core self & with them normal rules
don't apply.
Hope you all find this useful
Mitch
#Post#: 16--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: merionvw Date: March 23, 2017, 9:15 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Gosh Mitch, some of that really got to me - not that I know what
to do with it!
#Post#: 19--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Voltaire Date: March 24, 2017, 6:37 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Hi all thanks for inviting me onto this forum which I hope to
use to tell my story.
In the meantime having looked at some of the posts, I can
identify with Mitch in a big way and can only say that I am now
a bigger and better person following my mother's death. I hope
you are making progress.
I'll be back with my story soon.
#Post#: 20--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 24, 2017, 7:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Yeah,
it makes me think as well I can definitely see my mother in
there. But it has helped me understand a little bit more
Mitch
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
#Post#: 21--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 24, 2017, 7:44 am
---------------------------------------------------------
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
Thought this may be of interest
study of carer burden and well-being
Rachel C. Bailey, University of WollongongFollow
Brin F. S Grenyer, University of WollongongFollow
RIS ID
97238
Publication Details
Bailey, R. C. & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2014). Supporting a person
with personality disorder: a study of carer burden and
well-being. Journal Of Personality Disorders, 28 (6), 796-809.
Abstract
Personality disorders are characterized by impaired
interpersonal functioning. There are few studies and little data
available using validated questionnaires on the impact of caring
for a person with personality disorder. The 287 carers included
in this study were administered the McLean Screening Instrument
for Borderline Personality Disorder-Carer Version, Burden
Assessment Scale, Grief Scale, Difficulties in Emotion
Regulation Scale, Mental Health Inventory-5, and a qualitative
question. Scores were compared to those of published comparison
groups. Burden and grief were significantly higher than that
reported by carers of persons with other serious mental
illnesses. Carers endorsed symptoms consistent with mood,
anxiety, and posttraumatic stress disorders. A qualitative
concept map highlighted the impact of caregiving on the
interpersonal environment. Carers of persons with personality
disorder report grieving their change in life and impairment in
well-being. Carers are burdened, and appear more so than carers
of persons with other serious mental illnesses. The results
highlight the need for interventions to support carers.
www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg78/evidence/bpd-full-guideline-242147
197
4.3.7 Public awareness and education One study by Haigh (2002)
reported on public awareness and education about personality
disorder. It was felt by service users that more education about
mental health difficulties should be provided in schools to
reduce stigma, to educate about vulnerability and to teach
students how to seek appropriate help if they experienced
difficulties. Leaflets in GP surgeries and support groups for
families/carers were also suggested. Service users also felt
that it was important that people became aware that a diagnosis
of personality disorder ‘doesn’t mean you’re not a nice person’.
Mitch
#Post#: 24--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: clare low Date: March 28, 2017, 4:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Thank you to all of you who have messaged in with your stories,
your suggestions and most importantly your encouragement and
support. Please keep it up!
#Post#: 28--------------------------------------------------
Re: Welcome to our forum
By: Mitchell Date: March 28, 2017, 10:10 am
---------------------------------------------------------
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Are You In A Relationship With Someone Who Has "Borderline
Personality Disorder"
Do you feel like you have to tiptoe around your loved one,
watching every little thing you say or do for fear of setting
them off?
Do you often hide what you think or feel in order to avoid
fights and hurt feelings?
Does your loved one shift almost instantaneously between
emotional extremes (e.g. calm one moment, raging the next, then
suddenly despondent?) Are these rapid mood swings unpredictable
and seemingly irrational?
Does your loved one tend to view you as all good of bad, with no
middle ground? For example, either you're "perfect" and the only
one they can count on or you're "selfish" and "unfeeling" and
never truly loved them.
Do you feel like you can't win, that anything you say or do will
be twisted and used against you?
Does it feel as if your loved one's expectations are constantly
changing, so you're never sure how to keep the peace?
Is everything always your fault?
Do you feel constantly criticized and blamed for things that
don't even make sense?
Does the person accuse you of doing and saying things you never
did?
Do you feel misunderstood whenever you try to explain or
reassure your partner?
Do you feel manipulated by fear, guilt, or outrageous behavior?
Does your loved one make threats, fly into violent rages, make
overly dramatic declarations, or do dangerous things when they
think you're unhappy or may leave?
If you answer "yes" to most of these questions, your partner or
family member might have borderline personality disorder.
"Example" :-
Pass the butter – BPD and families
Your Voice - the best of our members' magazine
“I never cry, I’m usually a very positive, upbeat person and
quite strong. But this broke me. It totally consumed me.”
Isabella Jones’ daughter Amelia* was diagnosed as having a
borderline personality disorder two years ago, but it wasn’t
until recently that she learnt how to cope and more importantly,
how to live, with her daughter’s illness.
One of the hardest things for the families and loved ones of
someone affected by a personality disorder is that they don’t
understand what’s happening and often cannot cope. Above all
they struggle to communicate and, as ValeriePorr, author of
Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, A Family Guide for
Healing and Change, and President of TARA (Teaching Treatment
and Research Advancements Association for personality disorder),
says “they often say the wrong things for the right reasons.”
“A classic example of what happens” Valerie explains “is you are
all sitting around the dinner table and you say to the person
with borderline ‘pass the butter’ and they respond with
something like ‘why are you picking on me!? I’m not a maid, why
don’t you ask him to pass it?’” As a result the family is
stunned and thinks ‘where did that come from!?’ and often an
argument starts.
Does someone close to you suffer from borderline personality
disorder (BPD)? If so, you already know that BPD not only
affects those with the diagnosis—it affects everyone who cares
about them. People with BPD have difficulty regulating their
emotions and behavior and that can take a heavy toll on their
partners, family members, and friends. But there’s hope, both
for the person with BPD and for you. You can’t force someone to
get treatment for BPD, but you can take steps to improve
communication, set healthy boundaries, and stabilize the
relationship.
People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to have
major difficulties with relationships, especially with those
closest to them. The wild mood swings, angry outbursts, chronic
abandonment fears, and impulsive and irrational behaviors can
leave loved ones feeling helpless, abused, and off balance.
Partners and family members of people with BPD often say it’s
like being on an emotional roller coaster with no end in sight.
You may feel like you’re at the mercy of your loved one’s BPD
symptoms—trapped unless you leave the relationship or the person
takes steps to get better. But you have more power than you
think.
You can change the relationship by managing your own reactions,
establishing firm limits, and improving communication between
the two of you. There’s no magic cure but with the right
treatment and support, many people with BPD can and do get
better and their relationships can become more stable and
rewarding. In fact, patients with the most support and stability
at home tend to get better sooner than those whose relationships
are more chaotic and insecure. Whether it’s your partner,
parent, child, sibling, friend, or other loved one, you can
improve both the relationship and your own quality of life, even
if the person with BPD isn’t ready to acknowledge the problem or
seek treatment
If your loved one has borderline personality disorder, it’s
important to recognize that he or she is suffering. The
destructive and hurtful behaviors are a reaction to deep
emotional pain. In other words, they’re not about you. When your
loved one does or says something hurtful towards you, understand
that the behavior is motivated by the desire to stop the pain he
or she is experiencing; it’s rarely deliberate.
Learning about BPD won’t automatically solve your relationship
problems, but it will help you understand what you’re dealing
with and handle difficulties in more constructive ways.
When a family member or partner has borderline personality
disorder, it’s all too easy to get caught up in heroic efforts
to please and appease him or her. You may find yourself putting
most of your energy into the person with BPD at the expense of
your own emotional needs. But this is a recipe for resentment,
depression, burnout, and even physical illness. You can’t help
someone else or enjoy sustainable, satisfying relationships when
you’re run down and overwhelmed by stress. As in the event of an
in-flight emergency, you must “put on your own oxygen mask
first.”
Avoid the temptation to isolate. Make it a priority to stay in
touch with family and friends who make you feel good. You need
the support of people who will listen to you, make you feel
cared for, and offer reality checks when needed.
You’re allowed (and encouraged) to have a life! Give yourself
permission to have a life outside of your relationship with the
person with BPD. It’s not selfish to carve out time for yourself
to relax and have fun. In fact, when you return to your BPD
relationship, you’ll both benefit from your improved
perspective.
Join a support group for BPD family members. Meeting with others
who understand what you’re going through can go a long way. If
you can’t find an in-person support group in your area, you may
want to consider joining an online BPD community.
Don’t neglect your physical health. Eating right, exercising,
and getting quality sleep can easily fall by the wayside when
you’re caught up in relationship drama. Try to avoid this
pitfall. When you’re healthy and well rested, you’re better able
to handle stress and control your own emotions and behaviors.
Learn to manage stress. Getting anxious or upset in response to
problem behavior will only increase your loved one’s anger or
agitation. By practicing with sensory input, you can learn to
relieve stress as it’s happening and stay calm and relaxed when
the pressure builds.'
Many friends or family members often feel guilty and blame
themselves for the destructive behavior of the borderline
person. You may question what you did to make the person so
angry, think you did something to deserve the abuse, or feel
responsible for any failure or relapse in treatment. But it’s
important to remember that you’re not responsible for another
person. The person with BPD is responsible for his or her own
actions and behaviors.
The 3 C's are:
I didn't cause it.
I can't cure it.
I can't control it.
??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page