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#Post#: 4444--------------------------------------------------
(application) the apocalipse
By: Ryanrider Date: January 25, 2013, 12:51 pm
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I was lying in my fresh new bed in a fresh new house which meant
a fresh new start. But one thing gave me goosebumps here, rumors
were, this house was haunted. My parent constantly tried to
puswade me it wasn't but no matter how much I tried, the thought
just couldn't leave the curious mind of mine.
I drifted of to sleep and within seconds, I was awoke by a huge
alerting ring pelting out at fustrating speed, the alarm clock?
Sureley it wasn't that time already. Never the less, I got out
of bed and slowly strolled over to my window to draw the rusty
old curtains open. As I do so, the view was something else! In a
bad way! I couldn't see a thing outside exept for a section of
gloomy crimson clouds. They look liked they were about to strike
in fury at me!
This was freaking me out, I slid the curtains to a shut but as I
strolled back to bed, I suddenly lost my balance and collapsed
onto my bed, as I slowly arose from my fall, I began to shake
around akwardly as if the house was about to collapse to the
ground below, as it shook and shook, it felt as though the floor
was snaping, except this was no assumption, this was reality,
they snaped, snaped again, untill.....they were gone! I fell and
fell and...(gasp) I awoke, so it was all a dream after all.
#Post#: 4464--------------------------------------------------
Re: (application) the apocalipse
By: Ryanrider Date: January 25, 2013, 2:44 pm
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Bump
#Post#: 4472--------------------------------------------------
Re: (application) the apocalipse
By: bob123f Date: January 25, 2013, 8:31 pm
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A couple typos here and there, as well as a few run-on
sentences. Also, why so much apocalypse stories? Those crimson
clouds didn't even do anything. What's so apocalyptic about a
few clouds? There could have been MUCH more destruction and
action. Instead, there were just a few bits of thrill. Needs
more work, in my opinion. You'll just have to see what the
recruiters think. ;)
#Post#: 4490--------------------------------------------------
Re: (application) the apocalipse
By: supercool08 Date: January 26, 2013, 12:20 pm
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A good story, well written. However I am going to have to deny
it because there was quite the few spelling errors and a lot of
run-on sentences. The worst offender was your last sentence,
which was pretty much one big run-on. My advice, you used a lot
of commas in the last paragraph and that's what creates a run-on
sentence. What you need to do is break it down and put periods
and punctuation marks when you have a complete sentence or
thought. Besides that the story was great. Next time just make
sure that you have no run-ons or spelling errors and you should
do amazing. :)
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