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#Post#: 4089--------------------------------------------------
The Evil Strucken [Denied]
By: daflowergirl Date: January 18, 2013, 3:08 pm
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Warning, this story may change experience in life, make you have
smarter desicions
and make you realize whats a lie and whats not.
Hello, my name is Johnny. I am going to tell you the story of
how
I lost my whole life to one friend's one lie. This is The
Strucken.
"Johnny, c'mon! Pack your clothes!," says your friend Tom.
Who is Tom? He is a new neighbor, he really is snobbish, and
cranky.
"OK, I was just saying a goodbye!," you say. Tom likes to hurry,
and you don't. As you pack your items such as a "Yankee cap"
,and a "DeadMau5" shirt, you notice something wrong. Tom looks
as if he is satisfied. Is that normal you ask? No, he always has
something
wrong with him. You ask him "Dude, you look happy for once.." He
just replies
"Aww, just a girl." You know thats wrong because with his stout
polish nose,
he isn't getting ANYWHERE. You pull out your "Samsung Epic" and
text
your mom "KK We r leavin 2 spain, love u mom" in a teenager
style.
She doesn't reply, when does she EVER reply, Dad even said he
saw
mom block his texts because she hates using phones because she
says "Farm girls
will live as they always did." Your dad is the only reason you
even have a phone.
As you walk out you realize Tom is behind you.
He always walks in front! "You must of struck gold, huh?" you
say.
He doesn't reply. As you drive to the airport you seem to
shuffle your
hands along the steering wheel thinking of what might be
happening.
He says some sort of gibberish like Rantanium, Cra****ole. You
question
him and SWEAR you see Tom's eyes turn blue. They are brown
though...
Why are you going to spain? Your aunt is paying for your
college, and
if she is gonna pay for your college, you have to be with her,
she doesn't
like paying for people who she doesn't even know!. As you start
to leave to spain the plane turns dim, and goes dark. You
question everyone
and they don't know. The lights turn back on, and Tom is gone.
You decide it
would be better without him anyway, and go on. You arrive in
spain, and Tom is there
alive and well. You call for a taxi, and off you go. You say
Swamp Rd. 33
The man smiles and says "You want to go to the Swamp on 33 Rd.?,
hah!
No one has ever come back from there. You explain your aunt
lives there."
When you arrive at your aunt's
small hut, you find Tom there, with your aunt. Your aunt says
"Me, and Tom have
been waiting! What took so long!" in a raspy voice. She pushes
you into a pot
of boiling water, and you die of heat. The last image you saw
was Tom using magic
trying to revive you, and Tom falling in aswell. For all you
know you were eaten.
Why was this? Well your aunt wasn't gonna pay for nothing, she
wanted a dinner.
She was a witch, and Tom wanted to come so he could defeat her,
because he
was a warlock, and had heard about her. If you have an aunt who
wants to pay
for something, remember this and DON'T do it.
#Post#: 4091--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Evil Strucken [Application]
By: bob123f Date: January 18, 2013, 3:13 pm
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I'm sorry, but if I were a recruiter, I would have to deny this.
It's too fast-paced and there are a few typos here and there.
One of the major flaws was the college money part. Why did you
HAVE to be with your aunt just because she payed for your
college funds? Who is this Tom person? A friend? A sibling? And
finally, so many dead ends. Why did your mom block your dad's
texts? Why did your aunt boil you and Tom? If I were a
recruiter, as I said, I would deny this story.
#Post#: 4092--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Evil Strucken [Application]
By: daflowergirl Date: January 18, 2013, 3:15 pm
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[quote author=bob123f link=topic=359.msg4091#msg4091
date=1358543590]
I'm sorry, but if I were a recruiter, I would have to deny this.
It's too fast-paced and there are a few typos here and there.
One of the major flaws was the college money part. Why did you
HAVE to be with your aunt just because she payed for your
college funds? Who is this Tom person? A friend? A sibling? And
finally, so many dead ends. Why did your mom block your dad's
texts? Why did your aunt boil you and Tom? If I were a
recruiter, as I said, I would deny this story.
[/quote]
OK, It does note that Tom is Johnny's friend, I will edit it
though.
#Post#: 4093--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Evil Strucken [Application]
By: bob123f Date: January 18, 2013, 3:16 pm
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Sorry I was so harsh. I have to do this though.
#Post#: 4094--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Evil Strucken [Application]
By: daflowergirl Date: January 18, 2013, 3:24 pm
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I added a little and made it a bit more clear. Your criticism
actually helped, so thank you! :) :)
#Post#: 4095--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Evil Strucken [Application]
By: bob123f Date: January 18, 2013, 3:44 pm
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Just a girl. ;)
#Post#: 4096--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Evil Strucken [Application]
By: daflowergirl Date: January 18, 2013, 3:45 pm
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[quote author=bob123f link=topic=359.msg4095#msg4095
date=1358545466]
Just a girl. ;)
[/quote]
Do you like it?
#Post#: 4097--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Evil Strucken [Application]
By: bob123f Date: January 18, 2013, 3:46 pm
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It's much better than before.
#Post#: 4098--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Evil Strucken [Application]
By: daflowergirl Date: January 18, 2013, 3:47 pm
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[quote author=bob123f link=topic=359.msg4097#msg4097
date=1358545590]
It's much better than before.
[/quote]
Yeah, I can agree. Thanks
#Post#: 4105--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Evil Strucken [Application]
By: supercool08 Date: January 18, 2013, 4:32 pm
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Denied. My reason being that you exceeded the 500 maximum word
limit. Otherwise it was fairly interesting and it had an
unexpected ending which is most always good. I recommend next
time that you capitalize Spain because it is a country
[quote author=daflowergirl link=topic=359.msg4089#msg4089
date=1358543295]
and make you realize whats a lie and whats not.
[/quote]
Another note would be that whenever you're using words like
whats and thats make sure to check and see if they are
possessive such as in the quote above; think to yourself, "make
you realize what is a lie and what is not." So instead of having
to write what is all the time, you could put an apostrophe in
between the what and s making it what's, so your corrected
sentence would read:
"and make you realize what's a lie and what's not.
This not only goes for you, but I notice this on others'
applications as well, which really annoys me.
Any who, so those are some tips you can use next time when you
reapply in 2 weeks. I think you will do good. :)
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