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#Post#: 233--------------------------------------------------
Inner Workings
By: patchworkmind Date: May 21, 2012, 4:38 pm
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In a large round sitting room who’s ebony wood walls are
delicately curved in a concave manor stretch out to allow the
three arm chairs plentiful space. The layout is akin to a tear
drop with the bottom portion chopped off, the ceiling ending in
a single point, and the floor a circle adorned with rug of
living woven roots. There are no doors in this place but a
single mirror drapes itself on one portion of the walls. There
are a few adornments around the place but they all have a
surreal, symbolic quality, becoming hazy when not directly
looked upon.
The three men in the room are gently conversing over something
nonspecific. One man in a brown earth tone leather jacket with
tufted autumn hair is relaxed in one chair to the left of the
large mirror. He smells of sandalwood and roses. The vampire
sitting in the red velvet chair opposite the mirror is dressed
in mostly black with plentiful splashes of color, has an
unhassled look about him even when discussing things of grave
importance. The third man, sitting on the right of the mirror,
of only 17 years is a fey of the animal variety. He no longer
slouches as he did so many years ago, although his fetchers
still mimic the mocking bird with a hooked budging nose, he has
a shaven head, so only his eye brows reveal the feathered
quality that gives him his airy laugh.
Here sit the three aspects of Thomas S Miller, a man known as
nurse, student, friend, lover, spiritualist, and teacher.
Although there is never a way to shortly describe anyone, here
sit:
The Ego, who searches for inner peace and balance, Stephen…
The Superego, who desires self modification, and self
realization, Logan…
The ID, who searches for happiness, Simon…
Where is the center of the whole, the one who is truest
“Thomas”?
He is the room itself where all aspects sit. He is the moment
before the realization “I AM”. He is without thought, without
conception of form, and without the limitations of time or
space. He is the divine spark that is housed within, under, and
alongside the body others see with their physical eyes.
This series of conversations are taken directly from the mind of
Thomas as he delves deeper within to find who he is and as he
shapes himself to be truest to his soul.
#Post#: 248--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inner Workings
By: patchworkmind Date: May 22, 2012, 10:08 am
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“So since I have been on my travels you seem to have reorganized
your house quite a bit, I can see from here” leans towards the
mirror and peeks through, his golden ear studs and hoops
swinging with the swift turn of his head.
“I have gotten rid of some paintings that lined my halls, while
repainting a large number of others. I have seen some go that
saddened me, for I did love their pain.” Logan remarked back
with a slight sigh.
“Attachment has slithered into your halls and grappled the very
roots of your foundation; I had dreamed that one day the house
would be liberated and free”
“The manor itself, with many halls, rooms, and passage ways
crisscrossing the very fabric of symbolic space of the layout,
is built brick by brick of the attachment we wish to escape. The
shingles are inlaid with denial for protection from the hails of
outside opinions and the wood work was cut down from the forest
of heritage. No, as long as the manor stands, liberation and
truest freedom remain outside our grasp.” Logan turns to Stephen
and politely asks, “What do you think?”
After a pause “The extremism that both of you share both hold
the paradoxal truths in which all exists. Although the middle
ground argumentation Is not a quality in of itself in reasoning,
I think and know, that the house needs” with a wink to Logan,
“that if we put in some sunroofs and open up some of the walls
with windows that we can adorn with hinges, we can find the
release from the Manor of Thought, and fly out into the chaotic
swirls of growth and possibilities.”
“The cracks in your shell are showing” replies Simon with a
wink.
#Post#: 260--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inner Workings
By: patchworkmind Date: May 22, 2012, 4:53 pm
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Logan reclines in his velvet chair and speaks to Simon, “Child
of bliss, and runner of the wylds, regal us with your most
recent journeys, what has happened to you, you are different now
than when we all gathered last? I know the details have changed
as is your races way, but tell the tale of feathered tails
regardless.”
The pooka sits back as well and folds his hands twiddling his
taloned thumbs. “I guess I should start at my inception and work
forward. When I was in my youth, I knew nothing but love for the
longest of times, the anger that surrounded our abode was well
hidden behind doors never opened. I lived in a dreaming world
very early on as most children do. I found love in many places
and around my late single digits, I began my first major delves
into depression and feelings of where I doubted my worth. I had
very supportive adults around me, their interactions flawed as
they ought to be, but my relationships with them were childlike
and good.”
“When the problems became too great for our family to bear in
its current state of disassociation, we ran into terms like
“bipolar”, “early onset”, and “ADHD”. Luckily, although my
parents were separated by distance In many ways they lifted up
their children always as their prime motivations always. They
taught me the value of being a great parent, one who never
leaves despite spousal problems; they taught me how to be an
adult and to always stay active in the lives of those you love.
They taught me in their darkest hours how to stay human.
Although it was not until my growing up did I realize the
limitations of those terms to describe a condition of life, I
found them then to be identity ridden. I found my life obsessed
with overcoming any limitation I perceived, as is my races way,
I wanted freedom from fenced in diagnoses. I burned many bridges
and hurt many people when I was young. I had no handle on my
drive to achieve my satiation of desire. Even as I moved into
the teenage years, I sought solace in the words of wizened men
and women of faith, but I was too turbulent still to even know
what I truly desired. “
“It took many forays into the world of mankind with their
seemingly poetic grace that still dumbfounds me. They all use
the language of man to communicate, yet always it seems so
artificial and ineffective, with lies to themselves and each
other always hidden beneath their twisted tongs’. It was in the
past few months that I finally realized that “honesty” in its
purest form is what they all desire but never give. They tell
each other that “truth” is always prized but when given they
become angered. When they say they want feedback, they want rose
colored words dipped in honey and styled to fit their
preconceived notions of what is. Anything beyond what they want
to hear is termed, “brutal” or “harsh”, and sometimes “uncalled
for”. So although I was stuck in the nature of lies for such a
long time from my own heritage, and from the training of men, I
have studied it in-depth and decided that my lies will always
remain transparent. They will always remind others of the lies
they spin, and when asked for utter honesty, I shall deliver it
veiled in the visages they may not necessarily desire, but
honesty will be given.”
“Of what motivates me now, it is the same as you too, it is the
search for my “dharma”, and inner peace, the tranquility granted
by my animalistic heritage, but stretched thin by my expanded
corpus callosum. I no longer seek to force my help and awareness
of the lies humans traffic in unless they ask. Although I have
gone through the evolution of soul into my wylder aspect, I have
not lost the sight of beauty in the world, if anything, the
darkness I have seen in the last few years have only turned up
the hues, never fading them! ”
Logan stares blankly for a moment… “so you know why the pooka
lie, and you choose truth?”
“sparingly of course” quipped Simon with his usual wink.
“was that a bird pun?”
“It may be poultry humor, but I like to gingerly speckle them
into the omelet of my tales.”
“I thinking I noticed one for me in there!” spoke Stephen
happily.
“Any ways yes, and of my longstanding marriage, I have dropped
the selfishness that pervaded it for so many years leading to my
diversions that stank up my soul. Now we live with problems of
the man’s world, but I think we maintain our truest selves
adequately.”
“Is it true that you traveled recently to the east for a while
to gain better perspectives?”
“Could you define truth for me?” said Simon with a grin and a
lifted eye brow.
Logan laughs, “of course! I had forgotten to question objective
terms such as “truth”, in all fairness, I fell that the realm of
subjective reality has been the forefront of the conversations
we have held so far, that we both know truth is just a term
utilized by many to …….
The scene fades to black.
#Post#: 447--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inner Workings
By: patchworkmind Date: June 30, 2012, 6:33 pm
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With a flurry of feathers Simon jumps from his chair, and
looking over at the mirror in the room says excitedly, “So after
some self delving”
“Are you not a means of self delving for a mortal, for which you
a construct with delineated purpose” interjects Logan with a
toothy smile already knowing his question was meant only to
provoke an explanation of an idea needing a moment to prompt it.
“Well, yes I am a construct of the mortals mind, but like any
collection of thoughts, beliefs, experiences and feeling, I have
adapted. It’s a thing called evolving, it happens when the mind
is allowed to dwell within the confines of a personality. But
you can call it “elaborate character development”. responded
quite truthfully the pooka. “Like when I realized that the best
lie I could ever tell is the truth, bringing light to all the
illusions of expectation in social confines. It tends to strike
others as lies when their acknowledge of reality is limited to
such unhealthy extents as the “normal life”.
“Your point Simon?” quipped Stephen.
“Anyways yes, through self delving and time spent in meditation”
“Again I must interrupt, do you mean that the mortal has
meditated and self delved using you as the personality template
for idea generation and contemplation?”
“You know the answer is yes, you exist on the same level. But I
do thank you for allowing me to make that statement in a logical
flow of conversation.” Simon takes a breath and continues,
pushing through the bounds of a fourth wall in the circular
room. "I have realized that my aspect of the whole mortal is to
maintain the childish nature of hope, and the dreams of
pleasure. Passion, joy, bliss ect, BUT, I need another component
to help fill in the vacuum of need for the aspect of the ID. So
I have found a character dwelling deep within the mind for some
time now. It had been introduced a few times in different
settings in small ways, but the inhibition of our host’s
sexuality, and the “chosen chastity” of the past 6 months has
led to his growth.”
There is a ripple in the surface of the looking glass on the
small portion of the rounded walls. Stepping out from the
quicksilver surface is a burly man of average height, but
defined muscles, trimmed facial hair in a goatee, his red-brown
hair same as Stephens. His biceps give his neck a run for their
money in width, and his chiseled abs could cut glass. His
privates are obscured somewhat by the thick red-brown fur that
covers his goat legs, and his manicured wide hooves have a
powerful feel in their steps. The horns on the satyrs forehead
have an elongated slender feel to them and go from a scarlet red
ending in black tips (though you have a feeling this guy changes
his horn colors to match his outfit. In this case the outfit (if
you could call it that) consists of his birthday suit, a black
leather vest unbuttoned and tight fitting, and a black leather
belt with a small flask upon it.
“This is Gin. He was born a druid from our hosts first character
ever made in an RP setting, and he has grown on the unfed
desires of the flesh. He got a good run for his money during the
hosts community college years, the whole “black out drunk 4 days
a week and sex 3-4 times a day” time period. He gathered a lot
of strength when the changing moralities of our host were being
shifted, and instead of the guilt of his youth in the desires of
the flesh he felt, Gin had garnered a sense of self with the
validation of the primal feelings that birthed him. He really
only dips into one branch of fey magic, that of primal, but from
communing with the spirits, and the other powers, he is pretty
content with his love, and embrace of nature.”
“How come we never knew of him before this?” said logan
curiously.
“Have you seen or talked to the host ever?” Retorted Stephen in
a mildly snarky tone.
“Its nice to meet you all” said Gin. "I have been hanging out in
the back ground without a place to sit."
At that it seems another chair has appeared in the room, though
it looks mildly like a sex toy in form, but it is closer set to
Simon’s chair and retains the triad of seating, the two
components of the ID set together so.
“Simon has helped form my flesh so to speak and helped me
realize that, instead of having my components lurk in the dark
unspoken for, I can help the host, as well as all of you, if I
exist here, allowing to aid in reflecting myself in you and
letting their be a voice for the primal senses.”
"He always represents the goals of the workouts, healthy eating
and such when motivated by sexual desires of being "attractive"
to other. Dont worry stephen, he does not infringe on your goals
of doing it for a balanced life and maintaining health, but feel
free to work together. it might make things easier." interjects
Simon.
Gin shakes everyone’s hand “I look forward to working with you
all, Logan I have been reading your journals you left in the
basement of consciousness. I really like your idea of getting us
all together more often, yet still maintaining the hosts sense
of identify”
Stephen puts up his hands “I do admit that although I am trying
to reserve myself as the ego, there continue to be dissonance
between myself and what is felt. I had reservations when I took
the job, thinking that metanalysis of oneself cannot be used in
a game setting and still retain its deep meaning. But I think
through my actions I have kept fairly close to the intentions,
though there are moments when I am tempted to branch off and
change without the consent of this council, knowing our guidance
is best headed. There seems to be an organic echo that arises
between myself and the events and reactions of the host. So
fingers crossed” he finishes with a wink.
#Post#: 817--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inner Workings
By: patchworkmind Date: July 21, 2012, 3:34 am
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“Does it ever strike you as odd that the most honest your are
about yourself is on a forum based in fantasy?” Logan asked
Stephen.
“No I have long since accepted it as a format in which truth is
the lime light of things.” He responded honestly.
“You have deleted the one negative and sad facebook post you
have had made in such a long time, well that the host has made
in such a long time. Why?”
“ I have learned in some overt and subtle ways that the world of
not so darkness”
“The real one?”
“Yes, not the world of darkness but the legit one, can be so
full of horror and evil, and vileness, and suffering and hate,
and putrid thoughts, that if I ever embrace them, I really do
become a part of them.”
Stephen pauses for a moment. “I realize that my will to stay
positive, project positiveness, and to own my rose colored
glasses, is what keeps my emotional stability.”
Simon inserts “Yes, because bipolar mood swings in the manic
direction is stability”
Stephen looks happily at simon and says “well yes in a way it
is. I have the entire spectrum of emotion to exist at and I know
my triggers that set me off to each level, given the emotional
spectrum is a linear thing itself”
“ehem, stay on topic” says the satyr in the group, who seems to
be the only one not wearing pants suddenly.
“fine, but yes, I choose to trigger my hypomanic states, for it
is so much easier to play with the bounds of bedlam and quiet
than it is depression and banality. Although it is set in the
analogy mages and fey both view the same things, I mean is in
the different ways they do as well.”
“You confuse me sometimes” says the satyr.
“If we ever don’t, I think we are doing it wrong” responds logan
in a joking voice.
“Hey well I have something else bugging me!” says simon.
“You haven’t voiced anything bugging you in the first place?
What is it?”
“I heard a story of a romance ignored that was labeled as a
friend of mine, but I know that it was an analogy for someone’s
feelings for me, what do I do?” asked simon.
“Simon you know that there are people here who may read this and
know of whom you speak of, why on earth would you say it then?”
asked Stephen in a voice that lets the reader know he already
knows the answer.
“Because I am secretly asking for advice or acknowledgement from
those who do know what I am speaking of” replied simon in a not
so lying voice.
“I think you are misusing this post!” logan says sitting
upright, knowing his words only go to reinforce the pookas
point.
#Post#: 932--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inner Workings
By: patchworkmind Date: July 31, 2012, 2:08 pm
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“After all this time in thought, what have you decided to be?”
Simon asks Stephen.
With furrowed eyebrows he responds, “Well I think I am finally
moving past the resistance I have had to the illusions, and
embracing them as just a new set of rules to a game everyone is
playing. I have realized that I have let my heart show on my
sleeve for too long and in front of too many people. A spider
recently taught me how to weave a better mask.”
Lifting a golden and silver silken mask from within his jacket
he places it upon the bridge of his nose covering his upper
portion of his face.
“This is going to protect us all and allow us all to interact
with everyone else better. We can continue to hold our morals
without fear of their rejection as long as we put the false ones
on the front of this. We can continue to wander among the other
worlds without fear of the disbelief of others. We have lost our
ability to disguise our experiences in the trappings and verbal
decor of the outsiders that had once served to foster
understanding. “
Logan’s Cheshire smile reappeared upon his face, “We had started
using our personal vocabulary to express our world with others,
forgetting to translate!! Of course those sentiments fell on
deaf ears, we did not speak their language!”
“Precisely! We need to make sure we adapt our tongues to theirs
and embrace their personal semantic webs. We once knew well how
to do this, coming from settings that required it. But we
drifted away from this as we tried to share our inner truths and
attempted to breach the illusions of societal trappings.”
“So it is purely coincidence that your of the toreador blood
line? The socially fluent breed.”
“I think it may have been a subconscious messenger harboring
this understanding. But regardless, the outer world of illusions
and falseness will now deal with this council united and unseen;
we can use this one mask, whose silken threads are re-weavable
and quicksilver. We will unsediment our permanence and
solidity.”
Simon stops and stares blankly at a new realization as he states
in a quiet and whispered tone, “We have lost our chaos and
flux.”
“Ironically that was the one thing that allowed us to maneuver
in this realm of lies and illusion predictably and
successfully.”
“Surly, the stability we seek does not come from the chaos of a
quicksilver mask. If we were to do this though we would need to
reset our programing possibly making global internal changes to
the host.”
“Yes, but we would be able to successfully share our truths in
the accepted lies of the illusion society!”
“I really dislike not being able to share the purity of the
love, light and magic of the world with everyone…..” interjected
the satyr.
Logan reaches out and rests his hand upon the hooved an behooved
fey, “This is the best way we have right now of doing just
that."
The group of four thought forms all come to the middle of the
room and each takes turns inscribing their soul names upon the
internal portions of the mask. They form a pact to all hide from
the world of lies through its own devices and requirements.
They know that there will always be places in which they can
take the mask off again. But for the sake of living and gaining
acceptance in the world of lies, they need it now.
Stephen places the mask upon his face again and it seems to be
embraced into his flesh.
“Now that we have that agreed upon, who is up for talking to the
tree spirits, working on our enchanting skills, and re-mastering
divination magic?”
“Don’t you need to study your herbal lore? You have a test
coming up in a few weeks.” Logan points out to Stephen.
“Okay, I think for now I will just stay focused on our daily
meditations, and cleansing spells.”
Logan stares at Stephen.
“While making sure I get back to my herbal lore.”
The throng of thoughts all laugh merrily.
HaHaHaHa
HaHaHaHa
HaHaHaHa
HaHaHaHa
#Post#: 1086--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inner Workings
By: patchworkmind Date: August 14, 2012, 2:46 am
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“So you removed everything?”
“No. Not everything.” Stephen looks up slowly to face Logan. “I
put all the masks up save for one, the one of us smiling at the
school function in a very non-manic way, subtle even.”
“so subtle a smile”
“Okay maybe I over exaggerated, but everything I felt
represented me is removed from the book of faces. I don’t know
why I thought that deconstructing a virtual alter to my identity
would not have resounding effects internally.”
“Even as you say that, I can see how impulsive and short sighted
the event was.”
“I just learned one evening that the world of illusions was
still beyond me and that a large part of my understanding of it
all was being held back by a solidification of “who I am” and
although I was moderately happy with what that was, I did not
like the solidity.”
“Is not the goal of all our efforts here in this town to
construct a visage that is conducive to being a health care
worker? Is the permanence of that outward and inward projection
not a solid thing we wish to keep?”
“It is … but it I see now that I cannot wear that mask as my
own. It needs to remain separate more than any as an identity.
“Nurse” must be only a character I play for forty hours a week
and I need to leave that mask at the places I work…” Stephen
hangs his head is silent defeat for a moment.
“I know you have been trying really hard to become this “thing”,
this “perfection embodied”. This standard of over the top duty
fulfillment, this attempt to “be” and really become the standard
that your teachers and preceptors have presented to you as “the
perfect nurse” has kind of lead you down a path that leads to a
place only fruit full of sadness and disappointment of the
self.”
“I know. This is why I need to where the mask at work and any
setting where I need it but maintain my truest self everywhere
else…. and I need to make sure that I am not also trying to
project any other image for right now. I need the whole of my
other moments to be a place where the truest of myself can be
expressed and more importantly explored.”
“What do you mean explored?”
“I mean that when I came to this group of friends, I sparked the
recollection of certain roles in the minds of others and I ran
with them. Any label that I have allowed myself to become a
holder of, is a trait that is artificially confining me. And
while I enjoy parts of that identity I have built over the last
three years….. it is not me just as much as it is me.”
“The freedom of a blank slate to be painted anew only destined
to be renewed later and removed.”
“Why build it in the first place?”
“Think not so much a blank slate but just taking my coloring
outside to chalk the side walk in front of my house. The picture
I intend to draw is real enough for the moment, but when the
rains come, I will happily redraw a new one, with more details,
more vibrancy, and even sometimes with more pretty lies.”
“Is this all a lie then? Just another illusion to be
maintained?”
“yep. But hell, what do you do when you play in a LARP? you make
a character and explore it. How is this really any different?”
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