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#Post#: 530--------------------------------------------------
lost a friend
By: Lumaria Date: March 29, 2016, 4:17 am
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Recently a close friend of mine has taken her life and I have
not been able to cope.
I tried coming in and making topics but in the end it just
didn't work. My friend was heavily introvert but she had a
passion for anime/manga as well.
She particularly had a fondness for editing Wikipedia and
writing books with what she called her own version of romance.
I'm not sure what to think of this. My friend didnt just end her
life with all of us wondering what were her final thoughts. She
left several reasons as to why in a letter directed to her
parents. She felt like people were only here to bring her down.
She elaborated on key events when she thought she could achieve
something and what she called society would find a way to stop
her. Her last written thoughts became darker and mentioned how
she felt so irrelevant to the world she wanted to be part of.
I never knew how impactful a suicide note can be up until now. I
thought I had some idea but it just doesn't compare. I don't
have easy access to it but I keep asking myself what exactly she
meant in certain areas. she was the type to keep it to herself.
No matter how many times I asked she would say she's OK.
But of course I'm blaming myself for not finding the best method
to reach her.
#Post#: 531--------------------------------------------------
Re: lost a friend
By: guest4 Date: March 30, 2016, 8:58 pm
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Sorry for your loss ... Also , don't put too much blame on
yourself . I don't feel like mentioning this on the internet but
I'll make this the ONLY exception & only on this forum .
Just like your friend , I am too a victim of this suicidal
thoughts & thus I know first hand what it is & how dangerous it
is to those who're inflicted by such mental strain . So , I'll
give a brief background on this , from a person who is still
struggling from this but still able to keep it at bay (Thus ,
living a somewhat normal life) , at least .
Suicidalists (if there were ever such group terminology) are a
group suffering from a very advance form of social withdrawal &
depression caused by the accumulated negativity (Fear , hate ,
distrust , etc.) inflicted by anything or anyone around the
victim , mainly close friends , relatives & even their own
family . One can refute that these people shouldn't fear you &
you're willing to help out on their problem but they would beg
to differ . I may not be able to speak for those in general but
when it comes down to the main reasons for that usually had
something to do with their dark (general) history , past life &
even current life that usually leads them to losing their will
to live on entirely (not even a single trace of it) .
This suicidal feelings will keep growing - it feeds & thrives
from it as long as the source persists , building up 'toxins' .
This 'toxin' will cloud one's rational judgement & their
perception of the world & the people's actions & reactions . It
floods their mind with negative assumptions & thoughts & when it
gets too much , it'll reap the victims off their senses and/or
distort them at the slightest of touch , usually unwillingly
and/or unsuspectingly .
This is what made it a very dangerous mental ailment to the
victim & most feared , whether to themselves or to others who
only knows of it when it comes too late in time . The sufferer
unconsciously and/or instinctively hides all the pain & trauma
so efficiently , even they themselves won't even know of it
while they go on with their lives like any normal human being
until it starts to overflow & only then , the victim realizes it
, only that it's too late to fix it by themselves (emptying it
in one shot always leads them to suffering unwanted mental
illness like depression & recluse-like symptoms) . Common sense
would tell these people to seek help but by the time they often
realizes it , it'll probably would've affected them to a certain
extent . It's so well kept hidden time bomb , waiting to explode
on a touch of a button , ever so tempting ...
The drive to kill oneself may be short-lived after it's being
triggered but that little time is all it needs to push the
victims into ending their own life if no action is taken to
prevent it . I can tell you for sure that during this time , the
victim feels little to no fear whatsoever in ending their own
lives ... this terrifies me until this day . Because of this ,
I'm not inclined to ask from you for the note your friend left
behind to help decipher it because if anything , as one of the
ongoing victim myself , the mere thought of 'feeling' it may
possibly & unconsciously drive me to do the same as well . But
whatever it is , someone pushed that 'button' ... and I don't
think it's you .
So again , don't blame yourself . Even experts had a lot of hard
time spotting them , let alone fixing it due to 'its' nature &
what it can do to an individual .
This is what I can spew out & the only time I will do so & in
such place , from my experience first hand . Feel free to ask me
for anything . I'll try to devote what's little of my time (been
inactive for a really long time) answering the best I can .
#Post#: 533--------------------------------------------------
Re: lost a friend
By: Lumaria Date: March 31, 2016, 1:49 am
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Thanks. Its hard not to but I'll give it an honest try.
When I was writing a story it had similar elements to what was
going on. I realized I was putting my personal experience into
this story.
Which is why I've been delaying so much. I guess I was really
here to say sorry I've been away but I was secretly asking for
some help.
Thanks for sharing. I hope those suicidal thoughts don't come
back. I get them myself every now and then but I personally
found a way to manage it. A little less recently but still in
control.
#Post#: 534--------------------------------------------------
Re: lost a friend
By: guest4 Date: March 31, 2016, 3:36 am
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Suicidal thoughts are always persistent as long the cause
remains in their life (And often times severe) & will remain
till the source is cut off from their personal life or in a
psychiatric solution , found a new reason to live on . So I
don't think you're suffering from it . If anything , what you're
going through is close to a Post-traumatic syndrome as you're
grieving for the lost of a close friend . Either way , if what
you're going through somehow seeps through into your daily life
& personal work , seek consultation help as it's a sign that
your symptom had started increasing in intensity/severity .
#Post#: 535--------------------------------------------------
Re: lost a friend
By: Orchid Date: March 31, 2016, 1:30 pm
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost someone close to me a
few years ago.
I actually had to go to therapy. It really helped me. I would
recommend it if what DeAngelus says is true for you. I was too
ashamed and added to my depression.
I can see you are having a harder time considering the
circumstances. So I definitely recommend taking therapy. It
hasn't gone away. If you need a break from My that'll be OK. So
long as you get better.
We care!
#Post#: 538--------------------------------------------------
Re: lost a friend
By: Crackhead Johny Date: April 1, 2016, 1:37 pm
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[quote author=Lumaria link=topic=65.msg530#msg530
date=1459243032]
But of course I'm blaming myself for not finding the best method
to reach her.
[/quote]
Well hopefully this is because this is the first or second you
have lost this way.
Eventually you may be able to read those who are not long for
the world. The the alarming shocks will just be the ones you
never saw coming.
You may not be able to save any of them because most of the ones
who are serious will never talk about it.
The best I can do for those who are healthy and want to die is
to let them know that they are now free, they have won. There is
nothing left holding them back. No failure is worse than death,
and they crave death, so there is now no risk they cannot take.
There is no number of failures that will make them stop trying
to achieve something. While others run from danger, they can now
run towards it. They stand between the gun and those who do not
want to die. They can be a god, they may even end up a hero,
they still may not live very long. IN simplest terms they are
now Batman.
Of course if they do out live their young and suicidal years
they may carry that death wish with them for the rest of their
lives. They have to accept that some day the cops may knock at
their spouse's door and explain that they protected someone from
a group of armed men and didn't live through it this time.
If they were honest their spouse will have already accepted that
this could happen but they both know that spouse will be angry
and alone when it happens.
#Post#: 539--------------------------------------------------
Re: lost a friend
By: Lumaria Date: April 2, 2016, 10:10 pm
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I'm just going to take a break. I'm not ready to read these kind
of things at this moment.
#Post#: 540--------------------------------------------------
Re: lost a friend
By: guest4 Date: April 3, 2016, 12:53 am
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[quote author=Crackhead Johny link=topic=65.msg538#msg538
date=1459535868]
The best I can do for those who are healthy and want to die is
to let them know that they are now free, they have won. There is
nothing left holding them back. No failure is worse than death,
and they crave death, so there is now no risk they cannot take.
There is no number of failures that will make them stop trying
to achieve something. While others run from danger, they can now
run towards it. They stand between the gun and those who do not
want to die. They can be a god, they may even end up a hero,
they still may not live very long. IN simplest terms they are
now Batman.
Of course if they do out live their young and suicidal years
they may carry that death wish with them for the rest of their
lives. They have to accept that some day the cops may knock at
their spouse's door and explain that they protected someone from
a group of armed men and didn't live through it this time.
If they were honest their spouse will have already accepted that
this could happen but they both know that spouse will be angry
and alone when it happens.
[/quote]
I think the quote above is more closely meant for the heroes who
fight for causes greater than their sole life , like soldiers &
radical movement leaders or revolutionists like Mathanda Gandhi
, Martin Luther King & Nelson Mandela . The topic in hand
however are driven by unimportantness in living on . So yeah ,
two different things ...
[quote author=Lumaria link=topic=65.msg539#msg539
date=1459653033]
I'm just going to take a break. I'm not ready to read these kind
of things at this moment.
[/quote]
You'll need it . Good luck recovering !
#Post#: 542--------------------------------------------------
Re: lost a friend
By: Crackhead Johny Date: April 7, 2016, 3:27 pm
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[quote author=DeAngelus link=topic=65.msg540#msg540
date=1459662793]
I think the quote above is more closely meant for the heroes who
fight for causes greater than their sole life , like soldiers &
radical movement leaders or revolutionists like Mathanda Gandhi
, Martin Luther King & Nelson Mandela . The topic in hand
however are driven by unimportantness in living on . So yeah ,
two different things ...
[/quote]
No one will ever put a statue of me up or name something after
me, but for a long time when someone with a gun showed up with
the intentions of "killing everyone here" I was the one that
people went running for. Someone got raped by someone with a
gun, I was the one they went to for justice. When someone was
going to stab a stranger I was the one to work it out with them.
When someone got beaten by a group of men, that person would
come to me to get their wallet back. When someone was getting
beaten by their SO I was the one who fixed it. Nazi skinheads,
there were none left in my state (had help from another punk who
liked hunting them).
My parents raised me as hated and expendable and I have lived
that way ever since. I am the acceptable casualty level.
I was not MLK, I was someone who didn't care about living. In
hindsight, I was Batman.
So I know VERY well what I said and it doesn't have anything to
do with "the heroes who fight for causes greater than their sole
life".
Soldiers? Do not make me laugh. "Welfare with a gun" just
forwards corporate interests, while the Atlantic and Pacific
keep America safe.
I also meant what I said about that death wish never completely
leaving.
I consider myself very happy these days but just a few months
back a guy started smashing out the windows of a car across the
street and my wife had to drag me back into the house to keep me
from fixing the problem.
Once she was back in the house and distracted by our guests, I
snuck back out and found the people across the street had now
come out and were looking at the car. Her abusive ex was
stalking her and her kid, he apparently had a knife. Bare foot,
in the snow, I went looking for him and didn't find him.
A few years ago I lost my data eidetic memory when a group of
guys beat me with bats... I suspect I also lost 20-30 IQ points.
I have a friend I can talk to during the bad times, when I plan
to go to bad places and find bad people. He is good at talking
me out of it. He calms the mania that kicks in, I'm so alive
when it kicks in.
When you survive too many times, you go looking for worse and
worse situations.
So when I offer up the "be batman" argument it is just to keep
them alive for today and hopefully get the time to work things
out for themselves. I honest to god, hope they find a better
solution than becoming me.
If they do die, hopefully it is saving someone who wanted to
live.
It is so much better to save someone who wants to live, than to
just eat a gun in a fast food parking lot.
I have had so many many friends kill themselves pointlessly.
#Post#: 546--------------------------------------------------
Re: lost a friend
By: guest4 Date: April 8, 2016, 2:24 am
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[quote author=Crackhead Johny link=topic=65.msg542#msg542
date=1460060834]
I was not MLK, I was someone who didn't care about living. In
hindsight, I was Batman.
So I know VERY well what I said and it doesn't have anything to
do with "the heroes who fight for causes greater than their sole
life".
Soldiers? Do not make me laugh. "Welfare with a gun" just
forwards corporate interests, while the Atlantic and Pacific
keep America safe.[/quote]
I'm talking about soldiers in general , more specifically their
portrayal to the public - their heroic deeds by putting their
lifes on the line to ensure their homeland & the population are
safe to live another day , similar to firemen , police officers
& the more unrealistically , superheroes like Batman & Superman
. Likewise , I'm roughly on the same page with you on that .
But all of this don't matter at all for the case highlighted in
this thread . They don't want & bother about anything but ending
their lives . If you can somehow convince them to be the next
Batman , be my guest . I would like to see it possible , though
it'll be highly unlikely ...
EDIT : I never knew you had such a different picture about
soldiers ...
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