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#Post#: 57--------------------------------------------------
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By: Tara Date: December 21, 2015, 1:05 pm
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#Post#: 58--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Fall of Nations Online
By: Lumaria Date: December 21, 2015, 2:38 pm
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I see you completely changed the story this time. This time you
are taking a game developer trapped in his own creation
approach. Interesting.
It was a pretty interesting take, up until you "shonen'd" up the
ending by saying he has to face the evil in his own creation.
Was there something that explicitly made it seem evil?
#Post#: 60--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Fall of Nations Online
By: Lumaria Date: December 21, 2015, 4:40 pm
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Well, from my point of view so far, the game just sounds like
its malfunctioning. So i can't really say whether there's
something that explicitly "evil" about it. But if there is, and
you just didn't mention it, now's the perfect time to let us
know (and add that missing piece of information).
#Post#: 61--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Fall of Nations Online
By: Orchid Date: December 22, 2015, 11:50 am
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Oh yes. A new story. Cant wait.
#Post#: 64--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Fall of Nations Online
By: Lumaria Date: December 22, 2015, 12:57 pm
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[quote author=Tara link=topic=25.msg62#msg62 date=1450807522]
Ah yes, well it should seem that way. A simple malfunction of
course this is not the case; rather, this knowledge would
explain exactly what's trapping them inside. And what's the fun
in that?[/quote]
I'm not asking you why they are trapped there. i'm asking why
you made the leap from "mysterious malfunction" to "face the
evil". That one sentence does not fit with the entire tone of
the story (even if there really is something mysterious). TV
series Lost didn't really need to say something evil was in the
island. But they presented the mysteries in the Island.
[quote]
While it is true that there is something "evil" keeping them
inside, I really made that statement to reference more of the
fact that the game is going to be the death of Keaghan if not
everyone else.[/quote]
How does that make sense? When he faces evil, i dont think he's
going to face something that will kill him (even though the rest
of the description already gives us that idea).
[quote]
It's meant to be similar to the theme of the game itself. You
build an empire but the higher you build it the easier it falls.
And the game, symbolically as his empire, is falling and taking
him with it. But a showing better glimpse of this evil is a goal
of mine in chapter one.
[/quote]When you make a description, it really is designed to
give you a taste of what the story is about, but if the taste of
the story contrast with how it begins, its best to leave it a
mystery. Either tell us what makes it evil, or not.
For example:
Alex is a senior high school student in a small town of
Jacksville. He normally sticks to himself and studies. When he
is reunited with his old friend, Angie, they start to talk and
begins to open up. However her return lines up coincidentally
with a series of missing persons case. The two decide to
investigate when Angie's mother had disappeared as well. Will
Alex face the evil that lies before him?
^^As you see, the story is pretty straightforward. But there's a
mystery applied. And when I add sentences like that, it
confuses. I already revealed too much. Without the sentence, it
makes it far better.
#Post#: 84--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Fall of Nations Online
By: Lumaria Date: December 25, 2015, 2:11 pm
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Not a huge fan of the curent artwork, but the map looks pretty
good. Just concentrate on the chapters. Right now is a busy time
of year.
#Post#: 97--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Fall of Nations Online
By: Orchid Date: December 27, 2015, 5:16 pm
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That is a very nice looking map. I'm not too sure about Tara's
design. Looks way too simple. Did you use a program or did you
draw her free-hand?
Also... isn't the main character male? Will this be similar to
how male s play as females in games?
#Post#: 100--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Fall of Nations Online
By: Orchid Date: December 28, 2015, 9:45 am
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For me, it's the dress that hurts it the most. Just looks really
plain. Like a tank top.
#Post#: 111--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Fall of Nations Online
By: Orchid Date: December 28, 2015, 8:08 pm
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Hmmm wish I can give good references for great fashion design.
#Post#: 113--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Fall of Nations Online
By: Lumaria Date: December 28, 2015, 10:29 pm
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i dont expect you to be this good anytime soon, but it is
definitely a good reference to use in order to improve.
[img]
HTML http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/finalfantasy/images/7/74/MangaJudges.PNG/revision/latest?cb=20101108171706[/img]
The idea of nation against nation as a theme can work. I'm only
curious s how deep the theme is in the story.
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