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#Post#: 2269--------------------------------------------------
Broken
DIR By: DBNext
Date: August 10, 2018, 11:05 am
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Note: It is read from left to right, so those more accustomed to
manga than comic books might feel a bit lost.
There was a small local comic book competition I took part in.
This was a story I've had in my mind for quite some time, and I
felt it best fit the 10-page limit of the competition. My heart
wasn't in most of the pages so you'll notice some pages are
worse than others. Feel free to give me your thoughts, I'd
appreciate them.
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#Post#: 2271--------------------------------------------------
Re: Broken
DIR By: Orchid
Date: August 11, 2018, 3:57 am
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This one is really good. I liked it a lot.
It hit me at a very personal level.
I would like it to be a little longer, but it still very good. I
think maybe it was so good because it was short. So I dont know
if it's best to leave it as is
#Post#: 2272--------------------------------------------------
Re: Broken
DIR By: Lumaria
Date: August 11, 2018, 7:08 pm
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i can tell this was a little older and you are more capable now
than in the past, so i wont go too detail in some of the issues.
I'm also aware the competition had a 10-page limit. There were
probably other limitations you had. So i'll review it as if you
intend to remake it. (also i have a feeling i've seen it before)
So far its good considering the limitations already mentioned.
My main concern is that it wasn't so obvious that the people
were wearing masks. He sort of had the ability that he perceives
fake people to being something non-human. I'm personally not a
fan of the mask design, but that's not criticism, just adding in
my input.
And i may be entirely wrong that its not a mask. So if I'm
wrong, you can clarify.
It was hard for me to relate to him just by having his heart
broken for seeing someone he didn't know with someone else. It
would be more relatable for me if he actually met this person.
There is a little bit more room to expand on this even for 10
pages if you are good with panel organizing. For example, pages
2 and 3 can be merged into a single page, and have a new page
dedicated to how they meet and starts to fall in love with her
through interaction. (just an example)
I don't know how much of the crosshatching style of shading you
use now, but if you are still using it, i recommend looking for
other methods of shading to expand your style. You probably
didn't have access to screentones or photoshop back then, but i
do recommend a little bit of both. It was definitely
inconsistent of the main character to have this white shine on
his hair for multiple scenes. For example page 1, his hair
could've been solid black and the other male character in page
6.
When it comes to rain scenes, lots of manga have different
approaches depending on what fits their style. Some manga artist
use white ink over black backgrounds, and some use screentones
designed for rain. And some do exactly as you did, draw
individual lines and grey background (usually screentone). For
this manga, since its just a single panel, the rain doesn't have
to be so thick. And again, since its just a single panel, i
would also recommend the rain not cover too much the background
characters as well, just like the main character.
I like the idea of seasons passing by, but make sure you make
background characters fit the environment they're in. So if the
main character has an umbrella, the other characters in the
background should as well. Or maybe show one running with a
newspaper above their head.
Lastly I'm sure you are aware of this but i recommend using a
different pen for characters in the background for scenes where
the main character isn't relatively close to them (or shown
connected to be near them). anything with thinner lines to show
how much they blend in the background.
This issue is mostly with pages 2, 3 and 5 have this issue a
bit. (although page 5 has the issue of not highlighting the
female character properly as well). As for page 1 where the main
character is actually part of the group and connected to it, i
still see layers of that group. The closer the characters are,
the cleaner and precise the lines should be. Their outline tends
to be thicker as well to show they're closer. So i would
definitely clean up the lines for the two characters that are
covering up the main character.
Do you intend on remaking this? I think it would leave aa
stronger impact if you did. Its definitely a good for 10-page
manga competition.
#Post#: 2277--------------------------------------------------
Re: Broken
DIR By: DBNext
Date: August 19, 2018, 6:15 am
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--- Quote ---
> i can tell this was a little older and you are more capable
now than in the past
--- End Quote ---
It's actually a month old. I went through a period of time where
I kind of abandoned my artwork, so I'm a bit worse than I was in
the past.
You're right about the masks, they were way too detailed and
don't really look like masks. It wasn't my intention and I
wanted them to be obvious and apparent.
--- Quote ---
> It was hard for me to relate to him just by having his heart
broken for seeing someone he didn't know with someone else
--- End Quote ---
They actually got into a relationship and knew each other for a
good while before she broke his heart. Maybe it didn't come
across as such because of the limited number of pages.
--- Quote ---
> Do you intend on remaking this? I think it would leave aa
stronger impact if you did. Its definitely a good for 10-page
manga competition.
--- End Quote ---
I might remake it in the future but I'm really not that fond of
it. I kind of saw it differently in my head and I wasn't able to
translate it onto paper in a satisfying way. I'm currently
working on "Reverse" so we'll see what happens.
Thanks for the critiques, much appreciated.
#Post#: 2281--------------------------------------------------
Re: Broken
DIR By: Lumaria
Date: August 22, 2018, 1:06 am
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If this was done last month, then i definitely would recommend
looking into other forms of shading. i think crosshatchings tyle
doesn't work for every panel. Or at least a better technique to
crosshatch.
#Post#: 2284--------------------------------------------------
Re: Broken
DIR By: Crackhead Johny
Date: August 25, 2018, 1:47 am
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The art I like.
The story I have seen so many times.
As for the masks. Where do you go with it that hasn't already
been done? For masks we've had universal faces, big fake smiles,
no faces, smooth faces, glitched faces, morphing faces, etc.
(demons faces would be a slightly different piece or slightly
different flavor to this one) you could have the masks quickly
swapping between the people as they try to act like other people
to be accepted.
Looking at the lack of options for something new I say stylize
the masks heavily in your style.
#Post#: 2287--------------------------------------------------
Re: Broken
DIR By: Lumaria
Date: August 30, 2018, 10:40 pm
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--- Quote from: Crackhead Johny link ---
>
> The art I like.
> The story I have seen so many times.
>
> As for the masks. Where do you go with it that hasn't already
been done? For masks we've had universal faces, big fake smiles,
no faces, smooth faces, glitched faces, morphing faces, etc.
(demons faces would be a slightly different piece or slightly
different flavor to this one) you could have the masks quickly
swapping between the people as they try to act like other people
to be accepted.
>
> Looking at the lack of options for something new I say stylize
the masks heavily in your style.
>
--- End Quote ---
if this was supposed to be an original series, you'd be right.
this looks more like a test of skill and execution rather than
see who can come up with the most original idea. its clearly
just a one shot.
but it would be nice to see each mask show something different.
that way when he gains his mask, we can see what face he
chooses.
#Post#: 2292--------------------------------------------------
Re: Broken
DIR By: Crackhead Johny
Date: September 29, 2018, 4:54 pm
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--- Quote from: Lumaria link ---
>
> [quote author=Crackhead Johny link=topic=164.msg2284#msg2284
date=1535179633]
> The art I like.
> The story I have seen so many times.
>
> As for the masks. Where do you go with it that hasn't already
been done? For masks we've had universal faces, big fake smiles,
no faces, smooth faces, glitched faces, morphing faces, etc.
(demons faces would be a slightly different piece or slightly
different flavor to this one) you could have the masks quickly
swapping between the people as they try to act like other people
to be accepted.
>
> Looking at the lack of options for something new I say stylize
the masks heavily in your style.
>
--- End Quote ---
if this was supposed to be an original series, you'd be right.
this looks more like a test of skill and execution rather than
see who can come up with the most original idea. its clearly
just a one shot.
but it would be nice to see each mask show something different.
that way when he gains his mask, we can see what face he
chooses.
[/quote]
The problem with the "everyone wears a mask" shtick is that
people want to blend so their masks are generic.
Of course the giant failing with this is the fact his "other
human" was clearly wearing a mask as that allowed them to behave
like all the other mask wearers. So the MC was not seeing
anything true, and they never found another human before they
put on the mask.
This is a problem with recycling other people's content, you
have to understand it to do it properly. When you are just
stealing bits, often they do not work when you do not understand
them.
I would like to see the art paired with a story of its quality.
The art is already a step above what all the "want to be" manga
artists cap out at. I suspect the artist is younger which
suggests they have a great future and may go pro.
#Post#: 2299--------------------------------------------------
Re: Broken
DIR By: Crackhead Johny
Date: October 6, 2018, 6:31 pm
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While you could have him walking through life grabbing the mask
of the person closest to himself and putting it on leaving both
of them wearing the same mask this would represent the MC being
a sociopath or a psychopath (depending on created or born that
way). While this would show how he moves through life blending
but not belonging the writer has to understand that his MC is a
sociopath (not that there is anything wrong with that) and that
this is still played out.
You could have the MC going through the world placing masks on
people as commentary about the currently levels of
politics-media-"human" functionality/autonomy but I'm not sure
where you go from there without reaching into the
plagiarism/cliche' bag.
You could shonen it up and have them fight/struggle with other
characters for control of the emotional mob but you are in dark
territory that most people do not like if you go there. On the
upside, writing in the uncomfortable zone leads to less chance
of just recycling other people's stuff and less chance of
getting noticed when you do.
#Post#: 2304--------------------------------------------------
Re: Broken
DIR By: Orchid
Date: January 1, 2019, 8:15 pm
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When read this I really liked it buteveryone else made good
points too on how to improve it. I didnt consider some of these.
I think because I watreating itlike a proof of concept.
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