DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Manga Mavericks
HTML https://mangamavericks.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Discussion Board
*****************************************************
#Post#: 1015--------------------------------------------------
Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: Lumaria Date: August 2, 2016, 7:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I decided to create a new topic because I made enough
adjustments for Terra Stregada and I think it deserves fresh
opinions.
#Post#: 1078--------------------------------------------------
Re: Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: HematoLogMeIn Date: August 6, 2016, 3:56 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Having just read through all of the chapter and having a few
similarities with Raven personally, I firmly disagree. To me, it
showed that she wants to push her limits, that she wants to see
what it's like to have something be difficult when what some
would consider great feats, such as her puzzle-solving skills,
come so easily to her, likely due to an addictive personality. I
agree that sex is about intimacy, but I also understand how
someone can be comfortable with sex but not something like
sleeping beside their partner.
Somewhat off topic, please do not talk to me personally about
Fifty Shades, because there was little-to-no research into the
BDSM community in that book, and the entire schmuck is just
hypersexualized abuse. I won't deny that there are some scumbags
like that in our community, but firstly and foremostly, an
abuser's history of having been abused does not excuse their
behavior. I can't bring myself to stand the series, not to
mention that I've read better written BDSM sex scenes from
oneshot fanfictions. Fifty Shades is not worth comparing to the
meager sex scene in Terra Stregada. In my opinion, it should
never have become so successful. It's toxic.
Back to the point, though. I think the reason for our huge
difference in opinion isn't due to whether or not we hold sex as
sacred, because I certainly do, but rather, I understand the
more psychological aspects of having odd fetishes since I tend
to psychoanalyze myself frequently on sleepless nights. I've
come to many realizations about sex and how it can be more than
just pleasure or conception. It can be any number of things,
from control to an escape.
Her not being able to achieve orgasm doesn't make sense either.
Let me see if I can explain...From what I understand, Raven
seems to have a multi-track mind. As such, combined with
asphyxiation, it's very clear to me that she falls into that
category of escaping, wanting her mind to just shut up and go
blank for a little bit. Simultaneously, that can be difficult
because her mental prowess is simply part of who she is. In
fact, I have to give Lumaria some major props for pulling off a
character like that for that scene in particular.
However, especially towards chapter four, I saw less of "Ugh,
let's just get this over with" and more of a weak-willed and
somewhat wishy-washy character who is just going along with
things. It's a little disappointing, because Raven is quite
capable. Then again, she lost her purpose, and is kind of in a
"void" stage of life, and to top it off, it's her main strength
that contributes to her main weakness, that is,
she's...incredibly bland, despite being so fun to pick apart.
She has these mechanisms going on in her head, but her actions
are just bluh. It might make a little more sense if she took
some more charge in conversation. I'd recommend looking back and
seeing how often she said the word "suppose", or otherwise fell
into monotonous speech patterns. Her giving some more
intelligent feedback would better suit her character, I feel.
The support characters are fine, I think, and the main
antagonist makes sense, so you're pretty set from here. It's a
matter of turning "okay" into "excellent". There were a few
confusing parts with wording, but with some serious proofreading
and some minor tweaking, I'm sure this draft can be finalized
into something that really gets the job done.
#Post#: 1086--------------------------------------------------
Re: Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: Lumaria Date: August 6, 2016, 12:30 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=HematoLogMeIn link=topic=103.msg1078#msg1078
date=1470473764]
Having just read through all of the chapter and having a few
similarities with Raven personally, I firmly disagree. To me, it
showed that she wants to push her limits, that she wants to see
what it's like to have something be difficult when what some
would consider great feats, such as her puzzle-solving skills,
come so easily to her, likely due to an addictive personality. I
agree that sex is about intimacy, but I also understand how
someone can be comfortable with sex but not something like
sleeping beside their partner. [/quote] There is something about
Raven/Caprice that I haven't fully explained yet but in Chapter
1 she already attempted a quest that she couldn't beat on her
own. And rather than trying again she still wanted to quit. She
claims it's because of lack of challenge but it's also part of
something else.
I will expand further.
[Quote]
Somewhat off topic, please do not talk to me personally about
Fifty Shades, because there was little-to-no research into the
BDSM community in that book, and the entire schmuck is just
hypersexualized abuse. I won't deny that there are some scumbags
like that in our community, but firstly and foremostly, an
abuser's history of having been abused does not excuse their
behavior. I can't bring myself to stand the series, not to
mention that I've read better written BDSM sex scenes from
oneshot fanfictions. Fifty Shades is not worth comparing to the
meager sex scene in Terra Stregada. In my opinion, it should
never have become so successful. It's toxic.[/quote]
Thanks for the compliment. I definitely don't want TS to feel
like a sex centric story. But I used it to give insight on what
kind of relation Raven and Adam have.
[Quote]
Back to the point, though. I think the reason for our huge
difference in opinion isn't due to whether or not we hold sex as
sacred, because I certainly do, but rather, I understand the
more psychological aspects of having odd fetishes since I tend
to psychoanalyze myself frequently on sleepless nights. I've
come to many realizations about sex and how it can be more than
just pleasure or conception. It can be any number of things,
from control to an escape.[/quote] I am definitely not
Caprice/Raven. Although I've written her to be more casual about
sex, I personally hold it as something sacred aswell. But it's
there to give another side of her relationship. But that scene
of course wasn't completely about sex as more insight provided
by adam and her when they talk.
[Quote]
Her not being able to achieve orgasm doesn't make sense either.
Let me see if I can explain...From what I understand, Raven
seems to have a multi-track mind. As such, combined with
asphyxiation, it's very clear to me that she falls into that
category of escaping, wanting her mind to just shut up and go
blank for a little bit. Simultaneously, that can be difficult
because her mental prowess is simply part of who she is. In
fact, I have to give Lumaria some major props for pulling off a
character like that for that scene in particular.[/quote]
Could you quote the moment where you thought orgasm? Not that
I'm concerned too much. But I see it compromised the character a
bit for you. So I want to note that I didn't intend to make it
seem like she didn't get an O. The goal was that she could have
sex with her boyfriend, but not sleep in the same bed.
[Quote]
However, especially towards chapter four, I saw less of "Ugh,
let's just get this over with" and more of a weak-willed and
somewhat wishy-washy character who is just going along with
things. It's a little disappointing, because Raven is quite
capable. Then again, she lost her purpose, and is kind of in a
"void" stage of life, and to top it off, it's her main strength
that contributes to her main weakness, that is,
she's...incredibly bland, despite being so fun to pick apart.
She has these mechanisms going on in her head, but her actions
are just bluh. It might make a little more sense if she took
some more charge in conversation. I'd recommend looking back and
seeing how often she said the word "suppose", or otherwise fell
into monotonous speech patterns. Her giving some more
intelligent feedback would better suit her character, I
feel.[/quote]
I wanted her to say certain things but I fully admit chapter 1
part 4 is one of my weakest pieces yet. Although she was opening
up. I think I'll do more with that. This also come to the fact
that I wanted to end the chapter in part 2 or 3. But I was
constantly told that I needed to end it in a more conclusive
fashion, so I went with the oneshot approach and have chapter 1
just lay the foundation and end like a oneshot. So that's why
part4 may not be the best piece of mine.
[Quote]
The support characters are fine, I think, and the main
antagonist makes sense, so you're pretty set from here. It's a
matter of turning "okay" into "excellent". There were a few
confusing parts with wording, but with some serious proofreading
and some minor tweaking, I'm sure this draft can be finalized
into something that really gets the job done.
[/quote]
If you want me to clarify certain parts, I can. I'll proofread
it and see what I can do.
#Post#: 1087--------------------------------------------------
Re: Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: HematoLogMeIn Date: August 6, 2016, 12:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
For my point on the orgasm, I was referring to Tara's comment. I
think I got that idea that she did get one from the chapter, and
it's not a mark on your writing. I probably should use the quote
thing more often, but it can be such a pain with long posts.
As for which specific parts I'd want you to clarify, it's more
like a few lines here and there where it seemed like you were
going to type one thing, changed your mind, and didn't quite
adjust the sentence structure. I think one example was when
Allister was thinking about how well Caprice was doing in the
fight. The pronoun "you" was thrown in there and the sentence
was kinda "what?" Another example was when the admins were
scrambling and I think the word "relationship" came up and it
seemed like an autocorrect error.
#Post#: 1089--------------------------------------------------
Re: Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: Lumaria Date: August 6, 2016, 12:45 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I'm currently working on it now. Chapter 4 may expand. And I may
added more. I'm thinking of dividing the chapter up. But we'll
see.
#Post#: 1090--------------------------------------------------
Re: Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: Orchid Date: August 6, 2016, 12:59 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I saw that you completed it. Haven't read the new parts. But do
you know how to draw backgrounds? Your descriptions of the game
are very specific that I would like to see it drawn.
#Post#: 1091--------------------------------------------------
Re: Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: Lumaria Date: August 6, 2016, 1:19 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately backgrounds are something that I'm not good at. I
would like to hire someone perhaps to draw backgrounds for me.
#Post#: 1258--------------------------------------------------
Re: Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: Lumaria Date: September 8, 2016, 7:35 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I've been so busy lately but I finally had time to think about
this. I originally wanted chapter 1 be divided into 2 chapters.
I'm thinking more and more about going back to the original
design.
I know my stories tend to have a more Anime like when it comes
to the beginning as for mangas usually start off with a strong
one shot. But not all manga do.
Let me know if you feel different.
#Post#: 1287--------------------------------------------------
Re: Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: Orchid Date: September 19, 2016, 10:22 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for my late repky. I just read it over again and I think
it's a good idea to split it into two chapters. Although I'm not
the best at reviews, I would also suggest perhaps explaining the
mechanics of the game. Even if it's just the basics.
#Post#: 1301--------------------------------------------------
Re: Terra Stregada Discussion board
By: Lumaria Date: September 20, 2016, 10:08 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Tara link=topic=103.msg1077#msg1077
date=1470470106]
I haven't read all of it yet, but what I have read of part 1 and
2 is nothing that strikes me as in major need of fixing, except
one thing.
I don't like the sex scene. Sex is something that is sacred, but
people have turned it into something solely for pleasure. I'm
not saying that sex is meant only for conception, but that it
offers another window to get to know your romantic partner
better. When you're intimate with another person in that way, it
allows you to become closer mentally. Normally when I see books
or movies add in sex scenes all I see are two individuals trying
to pleasure themselves and if I wanted to see that I'd watch
some pornography. [/Quote]
When I added it in. It wasn't to promote the idea of sacredness
sex. We all have our views but just because you share different
morals doesn't mean it shouldn't be in the story.
Also just because I added it in the story doesn't mean I share
the same value.
[Quote]
Maybe you did intend for that to tell us something about her,
but obviously you were being very cryptic about it. Normally in
your dialogue you're very blunt. Like you're screaming at the
reader "Here's some information about this character!" And then
suddenly the sex scene comes up and you get quiet. I've never
read 50 shades of gray, but it's likely it was so well received
because of this concept. 50 Shades of Gray wasn't just about sex
for pleasure, it was about sex that revealed another side of
Christian Gray's personality, if that's his name, through a
sexual fetish. I only know because my favorite singer is
Christon Gray and some people thought I was talking about the
book. He's even written songs about people comparing him to that
book, but moving on. [/quote]
I wasn't trying to be too cryptic. You're trying to analyze only
the sex scene and not what comes with it.
In fact i didnt even want to be fully detailed about the scene
although I did just wanted to show that she had certain quirks.
But the real reason why 50 shades of gray was popular was
because women who knew nothing about BDSM were getting high off
the idea of it (no matter how inmacurate it was portrayed). This
however isn't just to show a hint of Caprice but what kind of
relationship both Adam and Caprice have. Especially since what
happens after in my opinion was more important and I didn't
think it had the same impact if she just randomly left the
bedroom.
[Quote] In the scene you show off a choking fetish Raven
has. It doesn't tell us a lot about her. This kind of masochism
doesn't develop on her game-playing, challenge-seeking self that
you've been building up to this point.[/quote] for a beginning
and a reserved introverted character. I would say that using
that scene to contradict what I've shown so far isn't wrong.
Especially when sex can reveal a lot of things about a person
that they don't normally show off in public. But the masochistic
aspects about her are actual traits about her that are going to
be relevant, although it's not explicit yet (especially in part
1 and 2)
[Quote] It always comes at a surprise to find a girl with that
fetish because it really doesn't define her at all. The problem
is in the scene before it, where Raven is having dinner with
Adam you build up this conflict with her being focused on the
game and he's tired of it, but you don't give us any closure on
it.[/quote]
There isn't suppose to be closure on it. I wrote them in a very
passive way. Everything that you see is more of the day to day
lifestyle. It was all only to reveal how Adam and Raven have
been living like since their relationship.
[Quote] Then they have sex and as the reader you think oh it's
the big sex scene time for some closure on that conflict, time
hit the literary and the sexual climax, and then there's
choking. . . Maybe you could have him choke too hard because
he's angry, Instead of her saying harder, she would say "too
hard". Sex is a good chance to let off steam, and, for most
people, it's therapeutic against stress. Some couples even like
to play sexual games rather than simple intercourse.
[/quote] The problem wasn't that she was choking too hard. You
are looking at a scene and not reading what comes with it. If
this would ever drawn it would take at most half a page.
[Quote]
I would suggest using the sex to show the weaknesses, or
strengths, in their relationship. Maybe even she never reaches
orgasm because she's focused on the game. And then maybe have
sex come up later when their relationship is stronger and they
have a more pleasant time together. To put it simply, sex isn't
some little thing you can throw into your story, it's huge
especially with the effect it has on our society. This one scene
is basically the difference between this story and a huge
demographic it could be opened to. . . not that any ratings
would stop them from reading it, but it still shouldn't be taken
lightly.
[/quote]
You have different views on it far different than anyone else.
And for that reason that you are probably not reading it the
right way. But also you read everything about Raven and Adam the
wrong way from even before the scene.
I intended to show how her relationship is with Adam. That one
particular scene is just a piece of a bigger picture going on.
I revealed
A) Adam does the cooking and demands more from Raven to become
social. He's aggressive.
B) Raven isn't good at talking.
C) despite having such polar personalities they have a physical
connection. But despite that Raven and her personal issues cause
her to not be able to sleep on the same bed.
I will clarify that scene better. But you are taking so much
from a scene that was suppose to be part of something bugger.
Keep your views about sex aside and see it for what it is.
Because even if intended to be drawn it's still mildly censored
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page