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#Post#: 3144--------------------------------------------------
Just a smile..
By: Runner Date: January 5, 2013, 6:50 pm
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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:.....
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and
replaced by exact duplicates." (He sees things differently than
most of us.)
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the
rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me
before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I
made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness
of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have
film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favourite -
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?
#Post#: 3147--------------------------------------------------
Re: Just a smile..
By: Laurie Date: January 5, 2013, 7:59 pm
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Funny! I'm gonna print them out since my photographic memory is
out of film. :D
#Post#: 3151--------------------------------------------------
Re: Just a smile..
By: Runner Date: January 5, 2013, 10:28 pm
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;D :D ;D Agree!
#Post#: 3157--------------------------------------------------
Re: Just a smile..
By: James Date: January 6, 2013, 7:38 am
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That was fun .
I liked 34
James
#Post#: 3165--------------------------------------------------
Re: Just a smile..
By: Runner Date: January 6, 2013, 1:34 pm
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I thought this one was so good and true...
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
#Post#: 3168--------------------------------------------------
Re: Just a smile..
By: James Date: January 6, 2013, 5:05 pm
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Yep you are right that is a fun one as well. I think the more
funny they are the more true they are, one does tend to laugh at
ones self.
James
#Post#: 3482--------------------------------------------------
Re: Just a smile..
By: Runner Date: January 24, 2013, 11:20 pm
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One lady came up to me after I’d preached and asked me if I’d
ever suffered a stroke.
I replied that I had not, and asked her why she’d asked. She
replied, ‘When you smile, only one side of your face goes up.’
I desperately wanted to inform her that I was naturally ugly,
and wanted to ask what her excuse was, but we can’t do that, can
we?
Yes you guessed it...by Adrian Plass.
#Post#: 3514--------------------------------------------------
Re: Just a smile..
By: Runner Date: January 26, 2013, 9:40 pm
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There's a story told of a minister rising to address his
congregation.
"There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with
another man's wife.
Unless he puts ten pounds in the collection box, his name will
be read from the pulpit."
When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten pound
notes, and a five pound note with this note attached: "Other
five on payday."
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