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#Post#: 618--------------------------------------------------
My Own Story (Depression Thingy)
By: MrSovietOnion Date: July 27, 2013, 8:47 pm
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So, yeah. Decided to finally write out my depression issues
since everyone is doing it, because why not, right? Anyway,
this'll get things off my chest hopefully, so yeah. Here we go.
When I was in fourth grade, and I think before then as well, I
would get extremely stressed out over schoolwork. I couldn't
seem to get it done. I got great grades, but I just couldn't
focus, and I got extraordinarily stressed out about it. I don't
really remember it that well but it got to the point where I
remember saying that I felt like I wanted to kill myself simply
because the stress of it all was just that bad. Again, this is
really fuzzy for me. Went to the hospital, was not committed or
anything, and they sent me on my merry way. Had therapy, didn't
do jack for me. Then in 6th grade I finally found out that I
have ADHD. Big surprise, right? Not really. Anyway I started
taking meds for that and everything went better. I don't
remember much after that, but somewhere along the line I got
extremely depressed again. It was mainly this year, but I'm SURE
I had this issue before. I just can't remember. Probably because
of the depression. So anyway, around halfway through 7th grade
(probably a little over but who cares) my friend D (not gonna
say his name just because yolo) starts "dating" this girl in 8th
grade. I say "dating" because it wasn't that, essentially he got
hugs occasionally and could call her his girlfriend. Pretty
stupid, but whatever. So D gets in trouble a ton and gets his
phone taken away constantly, so he asked one of my buddies if he
could borrow his so that he could text this girl. We're going to
call her A for simplicity, if you know me well enough then you
know exactly who I'm talking about here. So my buddy lends D his
phone for a while and he texts her, and somewhere along the line
D gave him his phone back. A didn't know and texted him, he was
napping and got annoyed so he sent her to me so I could give her
D's number. Not sure why I did this but to this day I still find
it hilarious; seeing as I had an iTouch I decided to have a
little fun and pull a prank on A. Bear in mind that I go to a
super Christian school (I'm not too happy about their beliefs)
so most parents are overprotective. It's ridiculous. So I make a
fake phone number on a different texting app and give A that
number, told her it was D. She bought it and I told her on that
number something along the lines of "my parents found out,
they're calling your parents, bla bla bla" and it scared the
shite out of her. Told her immediately afterwards and we both
laughed our asses of. Long story short we became friends and
started talking more. I was pretty lonely in some sense at the
time, and yeah. In case you're wondering when this was
happening, I think this was a little bit before I started my
Dementia project in KoGaMa. So me and A start talking a lot and
get pretty close. She tells me everything (I'm a great listener
and actually enjoy listening more than I do talking most of the
time, so girls tend to like me for that) and it goes pretty
well. Eventually she broke up with D after like, a few weeks
(probably less, his relationships usually go like this) and that
was that. So anyway, this is sort of the beginning of where
things actually start to happen depression-wise for me, almost.
A says that I'm like a little brother to her and from then on we
just thought of each other as siblings. I always wanted an older
sibling or sort of "role model" figure so it worked out pretty
freaking well. At some point or another we got to the "I love
you" point, nonsexually of course. The point is, we got
EXTREMELY close. So summer went by and she started highschool.
She starts to like more guys and what not, and would always tell
me everything. At one point or another basketball season started
and she got really busy, so I didn't get to talk to her hardly
at all. THIS is where things went downhill for me. I totally
panicked because I was worried she didn't want to talk to me.
Later on this will make sense, just remember that I said that.
Anyway, since she was pretty much the only person I gave a damn
about, this scared the hell out of me and I got depressed.
Whenever I would ask her about it, she would just say that she
was really busy. I got paranoid about it, not to mention I think
I was with a girl at the time or a bit earlier and got super
paranoid about that too. I got so anxious about A that I
literally got depressed. It might sounds stupid, and believe me,
this is by far not the only thing that got me depressed, but
it's a main contributing factor. I would interpret stupid little
things in overdramatic ways and pretty much exhibited the
symptoms of Paranoia over everyone I cared about. I continually
got more and more depressed and would vent to my new highschool
friend (J) who was a 17 year old girl with serious depressive
and attachment issues on the bus to school. We got really close
too, which meant that I also got extremely paranoid about her.
It was really an anxiety mess for me and it sucked. So
eventually April came around (bear in mind that this story may
be a bit out of order. Depression tends to sort of mess up your
perception of time pretty drastically) and our grade had a field
trip to Washington D.C. One of my best friends (K) would vent to
me and sometimes I would vent to her. We got really close, and
she pretty much kept me happy enough to not want to kill myself
entirely. (Fun fact, D and K also had that whole dating thing
going on for a while, it was extremely stupid and it failed
quickly.) So as soon as we get to the hotel, I find out that K
is too anxious to even talk to me anymore because my problems
were too much for her to handle. Oh, by the way, I had started
self harm way earlier than this. Now, I can understand that
someone might get anxious over that sort of thing, that's
perfectly reasonable. What sucked is that she treated me like
complete shite for the rest of the trip. She completely ignored
me when I asked how SHE was doing. Literally I would get a
"pretty good" and then she'd walk away. So while she was having
a great time in her hotel room with her friends all week, I
would lie awake in bed wondering if jumping off of the roof of
the hotel would kill me. I felt like everyone had left me and I
was reaching the end of my rope, to the point where it was
beginning to form a noose. Eventually we got back from DC, I
felt like she hated me, still anxious about A and J, along with
like one other person who I failed to mention. Things got bad,
so I talked to my teacher and asked for advice. I don't think I
really needed the advice as much as I did to tell someone, and
he was a good guy. So I vent to him and then we both go about
our business, because I felt like I was "okay." Later on that
same day, depression finally hit me the worst and I told him
that it was getting pretty bad and that I should probably talk
to some medical person. I ended up staying overnight at a
hospital and I was then moved to a psych ward. I really didn't
give a damn. So I was there for about three days and got out on
a Friday, I think. By the way, I met some awesome people in
there. Seriously, I still keep in touch with them. They actually
have empathy and will listen to you instead of just smiling and
acting like they understand what "pain" is. But before I was
committed, I failed to mention (again, depression-time-confusion
thing) that I had started talking to a girl a year younger than
me, who we'll call E. Not surprisingly we had the same type of
bro-sis relationship that I had with A and J. We got pretty
close, and apparently she actually looked up to me. So, anyway,
the reason I was released from the hospital was because I had
mentioned that my friend's bahmitzva (no idea how the hell to
spell that but he's Jewish and you get the idea) was Saturday. I
wanted to see E (his girlfriend, they're pretty cute) there and
that's really the only short term thing I gave a damn about. So,
because it was something I ACTUALLY wanted to do, they let me
go. It probably helped that I was a freaking angel while I was
in their and didn't give the staff any trouble, but you get the
idea. So I went to the party thing and saw her. After that I
really don't remember all the details, but it turns out I have
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (who would've guessed), Major
Depressive Disorder, (another huge surprise there) Social
Phobia, and ADHD. Bla bla bla, time passed, and things started
to get better between me and A. They would go from good to
terrible a lot because I would have anxiety/depressive attacks
(these DO NOT mix well) a lot about her and I would tend to
start telling her how I felt about it. Now it's the summer, all
that is over with, and here I am. I still am best friends with
A, J, and E, K seriously hates me now, I think. I'm not entirely
sure actually, she completely ignores me now because I did some
little thing along the road to piss her off. She's a drama
goddess and, though I will admit I miss her, I really do not
give a damn that she won't talk to me. Still going to therapy
now, and I've learned to control my anxiety. At a certain point
I realized that maybe the reason, in part, that people I got
close to weren't talking to me as much is because I was always
depressed when I talked to them. Now things are going absolutely
great for the most part. I left a TON out in the story and I'll
probably re-write this later, so I can use it to explain what
happened better to my friends and what not. Not gonna bother
posting it here. So that's about it.
The aftermath?
-I still get extremely depressed and borderline suicidal from
time to time, but I am on antidepressants.
-My relationships are skyrocketing because I realized how to
better manage my anxiety.
-Apathy is still somewhat high, which I consider to be a good
thing. I can count the number of things that I really care about
on my fingers, and have it maybe run into my toes. The less
damns you give the happier you'll be.
Generally, things are okay. I'm too apathetic to get all that
excited about it, though. I'm content.
#Post#: 619--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Own Story (Depression Thingy)
By: DevinEngland Date: July 27, 2013, 8:58 pm
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I am tempted to make my own. Not sure who'd give a shit. But I
am tempted to write it.
#Post#: 639--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Own Story (Depression Thingy)
By: Codrew Date: July 28, 2013, 1:13 am
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Manic depression runs in my family (I have it too) and I know
EXACTLY the type of thing you are talking about. Even though we
never really met face-to-face, I feel like I relate to you a
lot... Not sure how much that means coming from a guy on the
internet, but whatever. I will skip all of my depressing junk
and save it for another time, but I still want to give you a
piece of advice. You aren't weird. There is no reason to
sugarcoat this, but you are dealing with the worst searios of
your life at the worst time in your life to be experiencing
them. 7-12 grade sucks dick for everybody, weather or not they
are willing to show it. IDK if these girls are really friends
like you said, or something more to you. I remember just last
year as a freshman I already let somebody very special to me get
away. It isn't easy to deal with this type of thing, and
everybody does it differently. My way of dealing with this loss
was by moving on. Don't be fooled, this is NOT an easy task, and
I still don't handle my past well, but you have to try. I have
been a hopeless romantic since the day I was born. I say
hopeless because Im a nice guy who always gets friend-zoned. I
sometimes still think about a girl I had a crush on 6 years ago,
and it makes me sad and rejected and worthless... But it doesn't
matter. I found friends who were supportive of me no matter what
horse shit scenario I was going through. Crow has been my best
friend for 2 years now and he is the best friend anybody can ask
for. Sure we make dick jokes constantly and call each-other
faggot all the time, but when it is time to be serious we can
pull through for the other. We have both admitted our past hurts
and heartbreaks, and it is a good feeling to have done so. If it
is possible, get a guy friend who you can have a good
relationship with, because chances are they are going to be more
open and understanding with you than females are.
You are a quality human being Soviet, don't let that go to waste
because of mental issues and women. Overcome your obstacles and
try to see the beauty hidden inside the shit-storm.
#Post#: 642--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Own Story (Depression Thingy)
By: MrSovietOnion Date: July 28, 2013, 5:29 am
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The thing I guess I sort of neglected to say is that, though I'm
not gay (yet, haha) I find that I relate a lot more to girls
than I do to guys. I'll purposely place myself in the friend
zone because I would rather be there 9/10 times. It's not that
those people really caused my depression, it was mainly my
anxiety making me paranoid. Not their fault. K however is quite
the jerk at this point, though, but whatever. Thanks for the
support, glad you have empathy for this sort of thing, it means
a lot!
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