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#Post#: 955--------------------------------------------------
A Cry for Help
By: MrSovietOnion Date: February 3, 2015, 7:51 am
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Hey KoGaMa community, it's Soviet. I'm not entirely sure why,
but I wanted to share a bit of my philosophy about both KoGaMa
and life with you guys. You see, I seem to be stuck in a bit of
a rut. A lot of you know that I suffer from depression, but
somehow, I don't think that's why I'm stuck where I am. I guess
I'm just sort of reaching out to you guys for help, in the hopes
that I've overlooked something, or that I'm looking at things
the wrong way, or just... something. I'd like to be proven
wrong.
Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely hate things that are
generic, overdone and overused, typical, predictable, and
just... boring. Annoyance and Disturbance, we've had some talks
about our tastes in music, and you've heard me talk about how I
feel like EDM is getting to be just more of the same. Trap,
dubstep, house, etc... it's just getting boring for me. It used
to make me so excited; every song was an adventure. But now, it
all just sounds the same to me. A lot of you guys know that I
love KOAN Sound. You know why? Nobody sounds like them. They're
actually unique. But even with them, I'm starting to notice that
they're similar to other artists, and while they are mostly
unique, they're not 100% original. The ugly truth is, even they
are starting to bore me.
But this isn't just about music. One of the reasons I'm sharing
this with the KoGaMa community is because one of the biggest
places I've seen this pattern is in KoGaMa. I know this is going
to look really depressing, but just stick with me. I want you to
go look under the Hot New section of the games on KoGaMa. Go
ahead. Look through the first three pages. Now I want you to
look at the Highest Rated section, just the first page. In case
you haven't figured out what I'm getting at, every single one of
those games that you just looked at is, to be blunt, essentially
the same thing. You probably saw Full Russian on the Highest
Rated page, along with the EBC Slides map, and Epic Parkour
City. You know that these are all projects I'm a part of. And
back then, maybe they were unique, I don't know. But now,
they're all just so... boring. I was the first one to make a
dedicated ice slide map, sure, but do you honestly think I got
that idea all on my own? Hell no. Look at some of the Dev's
maps. ****, look at Roblox. There are thousands of slide maps
there. What I'm getting at is, though it might have been unique
to KoGaMa, it's just not anything new in general. All the games
in KoGaMa just seem to be the same to me. I'm not talking about
the quality of them. It doesn't matter if you're talking about
the work of a six year old Brazilian kid or a mega project
founded by Exel with the help of the developers. It's all so...
bland. I'm just having a hard time seeing the difference
anymore.
You guys know how the last few projects I've released have been
complete ****? Basically, they've just been poor attempts at
humor, if that. I'd like to give you an explanation for them. In
everything I do, be it music, KoGaMa, school, you name it... I
hate being generic. I absolutely despise it. When someone
presents a paper in class and use phrases like, "In
conclusion..." or "Therefore," or "Throughout the course of
history..." I cringe a little inside. These are examples of
phrases that have been done to death and I hate the fact that
half the time, I can't even think of anything better. So, those
projects I released were basically me attempting to be funny and
to release something that nobody had really done before, I
guess. What I'm getting at here is, the reason I haven't made a
serious project recently is because I can't think of one thing
that isn't completely generic or boring.
I don't really know what to do anymore. I want to be creative, I
want to build something new, I want to impress the community and
make them say, "Wow, this is honestly something I haven't seen
before." But I just can't seem to find a way to do that, and to
be completely honest, writing this is almost bringing me to
tears because of it. Not because I can't do something new in a
video game, but because I just can't seem to do something new,
well... anywhere. I'm forced to create things for school, music,
games, whatever, and hate myself for them because I know that
they've already been done before and that I hate the generic so,
so much. Don't get me wrong, I can still enjoy dubstep, even
though it pretty much all sounds the same. But it just doesn't
satisfy me anymore in the ways that I need it to. No one really
can know for sure why Curt Kobain or Robin Williams killed
themselves. But honestly, my guess is that it had at least
something to do with the fact that they wanted to bring
something new into the world so very badly, and couldn't find a
way to express it. That, my friends, is truly painful, and I'm
experiencing a portion of that pain.
I hope I'm not making you guys feel the same way I do. I really
want you all to be able to enjoy things, even though they all
might be close to the same. If you can find joy in what I find
to be mundane, then I'm beyond happy for you. Part of me
seriously wishes that I could do that too. But, if you feel the
same way I do, if you're just sick and tired of everything
always being the same, then this little block of text is for
you.
I'm gonna get a bit personal here, so, y'know, fair warning.
I don't want to kill myself, let me just start off by saying
that. But I do have a very hard time coping with the fact that
everything is just the same shade of gray for me. It's difficult
for me to live like this, and I'm able to avoid thinking about
it most of the time, but I really just needed to let it all out.
The one thing that really makes me happy in this world is my
girlfriend Madi, and even there, I just wish I could be more for
her. I've been trying to think of something I can do for her
that hasn't been done before, something truly unique and amazing
that has never been seen on this earth, but I just can't think
of anything. It hurts so badly that I can't express my love for
her in a way that isn't so generic, and I just hate myself for
it. I know I've probably said it a thousand times over here, but
again, I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to live. I
want to enjoy life. But like I said, almost everything is just
the same shade of gray for me. And I really don't know what to
do about it.
Like I said, I'm not gonna kill myself. I know this probably
sounds like a madman's suicide note, but it's not. I really do
have legitimate reasons to live, and I cherish those deeply.
But, like I said, I'm stuck in a rut, and it looks like there
isn't really a way out. I don't mean to sound arrogant at all,
but it seems to me that I've done so much deep thinking (if you
could call it deep) and dug so far into the ground in search of
gold that I've reached the bottom, and guess what? I don't see
any gold. And I look up, and I realize that I've dug myself into
such a deep hole that there's no way I can get out. It's not so
bad down here. I can still have fun and enjoy things. That's why
I doubt this is a result of any mental illness. But the reality
of it is, I'm still in a hole, and that in and of itself is
depressing.
I know there are others out there who feel the way I do. If you
know anyone that feels like this, please, share the link with
them. They don't even have to know what KoGaMa is. This post is
more about life in general than it is about the game. But I
really need help.
I guess what I'm really wondering is... is this it? Is the
bedrock at the bottom of this hole that I've dug myself into
what I've been searching for my whole life? It certainly feels
like that. Or rather, did I miss the gold somewhere along the
way? And is there a way for me to get out of this hole?
The worst part of it is, in order for me to truly be satisfied,
the answer to this question can't be generic. I'm really not
interested in hearing about how "it's all about my perspective"
or how "God has a plan" or whatever. Tell me something that I
haven't heard before. I think that's the only way I'm gonna get
out of this hole.
If you've stuck with me so far, thank you. It really means a lot
to me. You clearly want to help me out, and I really do
appreciate that. I just hope that I haven't made you think the
way that I do, because honestly, it sucks to be this way. If I
have, I'm so, so sorry. Maybe there's a way out of this, and
maybe we'll find it. I sure hope so.
So, I guess that's really all I have to say. Thank you for your
time and all that. If you have any thoughts, please, post them
here. I'm begging you. Even if you think it's generic, it could
help. You never know.
I love you guys. Thanks for being there.
<3
#Post#: 956--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Cry for Help
By: DevinEngland Date: February 3, 2015, 11:43 am
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Oi mate, it's that bloody wanker DevinEngland. Good to see some
of these boards are still around, after a year and a half away
from this. 'Ell, I'm surprised I even remembered me login info,
but that I rightly did there, eh chums? All these BS
pleasantries aside though, le's get down t' business here.
Soviet, my friend, you are suffering depression. It's that
simple. This is what you've aptly described as "A hole I dug
myself into, and didn't find what I was looking for in." It's
what I like to call wallowing in my own ****hole. (I don't know
the rules of these forums anymore, but for politeness's sake,
I'll censor myself fer the sensitve blokes out there, alrighty
then.)
Did this for a few years of my life. I believe my last published
game was on how it feels for me to be depressed. Like my mind's
constantly attacking and berating me. I never made the followup
to that game. How I grow complacent to that, how as bad as that
hurts, you eventually ignore it. How everything becomes
monotonous. Music you used to get yourself up? All of a sudden
resonates with how you to bring you down worse. Games? HAH,
forget it. You're going to see every flaw and project more onto
them. Books? Bruh, when I'm feeling terrible, good luck getting
me to read a book. I can hardly get out of bed or off me own
***, much less turn pages.
Anyway, the central focus of your whole post is how you feel
things look generic. You want originality. You want to make your
own originality and have come to despair that you can't. You
want to be unique.
Let me make this simple for you, and hopefully anyone else in a
way that I hope isn't crushing or seen as an attack: You
physically can't.
Every idea we as a human consciousness have is inspired or
brought on by something another mind somewhere along the stream
of consciousness that is humanity has had before. Every music
genre was influenced by one before it, every band in their own
genres have their influences, tributes, inspirations, and bands
they strive to sound like. EDM especially. After the few raves I
went to, I can tell you EDM artists are not who you need to be
looking to for originality there. They're just as much an echo
chamber as the minds of tumblr there, bud.
But see, the thing that makes these all unique? Genuinely ours?
WE MADE THEM, we aren't them who made it. Sure, we were inspired
by their ideas to make them, but we put our own spin on it. Even
if nothing we make can truly be 100% original, we can still make
it our own. Because let me tell you, I've played some of the
Dev's worlds back when I played KGM. They were alright for what
they were: Kickoff points for people to make better games off
those ideas.
Full Russian? Hell of a game, bro. Never 100% beat it myself
aside from when you had me on the project, and I tested the ice
slides thoroughly in there. You were extremely talented at
taking a generic ice slide and turning it into a roller
coaster/parkour level experience. That wasn't in the Dev's
slides now was it? EBC Ice Slides: The Mario Kart of Ice Sliding
was also a blast. I'd say it's nothing like Full Russian, even
though they're based off the same premise.
Shooter maps were great too! The one you and I worked on comes
to mind, as it's personal to me, along with several of the ones
I've played and made with Kayson, and some of the top rated ones
in general. All of them were the same concept, but they didn't
have the same feel as say, going on Call of Duty and playing a
different map has.
Whereas you get on CoD, and map to map just feels like the same
game with different skins on, our shooter games on that website
were actually pretty fun. Purgatory had an entirely different
feel than that Two Fortress one, which had an entirely different
feel than Impulse Arenas, which had an entirely different feel
than Battlefield (Which was nothing like that favorite
franchise, Battlefield)
Anyway, that's just points I have to make about the game KoGaMa
You're looking too deep for an original idea. You want an
original idea? "Schizophrenia." You know who made that? I know
you can answer that bro, if you look deep down, I know you can.
It also ended up spawning a number of other horror games at the
same time, along with the general influx that came with the
Halloween event that year. You want another original idea? Go
listen to Beck.
Seriously. Go listen to like, 5 different songs of his off 5
different albums. I can guarantee you none of them sound the
same. Get on forum boards for topics and ideas you haven't ever
thought of before. These people are all also rather unique in
their views of things, all under the general topic for what that
forum is.
But the truth is, I don't think you're looking for originality.
I think this is the "gold" you've found yourself digging your
pit for, as an excuse to keep digging deeper. You've got so
caught up with looking for this, you haven't realized how it's
affected you. I'm not saying this is your only circumstance to
being here, you and I were both digging when I first met you,
and I assume both have been since then.
I myself have been trying to climb back out of my hole. I've
seen the bottom, and it wasn't pretty to me. You can take this
as me holding a hand down to you if you want, but just know, I'm
still climbing back up the walls myself. By no means am I a
professional or expert on how to get better here, I just have an
idea of it and am slowly following it. I don't wanna see you go
back down the same path as me, because I both see you as a
friend, a brother, a role model, and someone who I feel also
felt the same about me for awhile.
(Huh, neat, I just noticed I'm still an admin of the boards
here. Completely unrelated, but it's somewhat interesting.)
As for the deal with your GF, I'll go into that in private
messaging with you, as I have something I want to discuss, but
it's too personal for me to just rip my own heart open and throw
it on these boards potentially for others to see. Just know, I
can relate to how you feel there as well.
To get to the end of my long-ish post? I'd love to say more, I
mean, what else can I write? I don't have the right to tell you
how to get better.
Meh, **** it, here we go, this is as sentimental as Devin MF
England gets.
You are striving so hard to be original, when in reality, all
you have to strive to be is you. You are original, an original
individual,
You're you. You're a really nice guy who thinks too much but
realizes too little. Fall into a thinker's folly, where you
can't find your answers and the answers are inside you. You
reach out to others, and they tell you they're in clear view,
all you have to do is be you, to find you. Maybe I'm not some
lyrical genius, maybe I'm not the best with words, but hopefully
I can be The Giver, at least throw a color back into your world,
because lemme tell you brother, the world is beautiful, the reds
and blues all the hues are beautiful, you just gotta open your
eyes back up, see them all new again, don't cloud up your mind
just let the warmth of the world sink in.
#Post#: 958--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Cry for Help
By: Squidward Date: February 3, 2015, 2:15 pm
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So.. you're looking for something new? Look at some of
TheCoxinha's games. (
HTML http://friends.kogama.com/profile/166427/
HTML http://friends.kogama.com/profile/166427/)
some of his games
have amazing ideas. may be some inspiration :) (although some of
them aren't very good, you just have to find the right ones :P)
A quick idea is to make a game that "doesn't look like KoGaMa".
It's a challenge :P
#Post#: 959--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Cry for Help
By: DevinEngland Date: February 3, 2015, 2:25 pm
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[quote author=Squidward link=topic=147.msg958#msg958
date=1422994522]
So.. you're looking for something new? Look at some of
TheCoxinha's games. (
HTML http://friends.kogama.com/profile/166427/
HTML http://friends.kogama.com/profile/166427/)
some of his games
have amazing ideas. may be some inspiration :) (although some of
them aren't very good, you just have to find the right ones :P)
A quick idea is to make a game that "doesn't look like KoGaMa".
It's a challenge :P
[/quote]
You missed the gist.
He's not just looking for something new in KoGaMa.
#Post#: 960--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Cry for Help
By: Squidward Date: February 3, 2015, 5:47 pm
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[quote author=DevinEngland link=topic=147.msg959#msg959
date=1422995126]
[quote author=Squidward link=topic=147.msg958#msg958
date=1422994522]
So.. you're looking for something new? Look at some of
TheCoxinha's games. (
HTML http://friends.kogama.com/profile/166427/
HTML http://friends.kogama.com/profile/166427/)
some of his games
have amazing ideas. may be some inspiration :) (although some of
them aren't very good, you just have to find the right ones :P)
A quick idea is to make a game that "doesn't look like KoGaMa".
It's a challenge :P
[/quote]
You missed the gist.
He's not [shadow=red,left]just[/shadow] looking for something
new in KoGaMa.
[/quote]
I know. I read it. I'm responding to just that section :)
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