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#Post#: 1437--------------------------------------------------
meaningless
DIR By: guest98
Date: September 19, 2014, 9:06 pm
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Hey Jed,
I was just reminiscing about the old forum and thought I'd have
a look. I was pleased to find you here.
In another post you wrote: "write a summary of all you have
studied, read, contemplated, related courses, meditations"
I guess I'll start with that. I sought enlightenment for a
number of years through meditation and various forms of inquiry
(as taught by Greg Goode, Douglas Harding, Byron Katie). I
wanted to know what I was, and what the universe was. I was
SERIOUS about the search. And it was very fascinating for a
while. I noticed that the mind was mechanical, the "body" and
"reality" weren't really solid. I started to dissolve.
Everything started to dissolve.
But then I stopped having insights. Yet, I kept seeking. Harder,
even. I wanted to get off the seeking wheel but couldn't. I felt
trapped.
Right about at that time a girl came into my life. She helped me
let go of my attachment to seeking. I became very attached to
her. At about the same time our relationship started, I began to
struggle with a deep sense of meaninglessness. I think it was
triggered once I realized that our relationship wasn’t
guaranteed to last. That it too, was subject to impermanence.
To fend off the meaninglessness, I started looking for
happiness/enjoyment in life. But nothing did the trick. Hobbies,
drinking, friends... all MEANINGLESS. In fact, the seeking made
it worse. I had no idea what was happening to me.
I. Wanted. To. Die.
I spent about a year in that darkness. Then my girl broke up
with me and I experienced deepest pain I have ever felt. That
emotion was powerful!
I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off (It took me a
while to see my patterns)… Seeking love/sex, indulging in
pleasure, trying to stay busy with hobbies. I did my best to
sink into the pain when it came up, but it was really difficult
dealing with pain and meaninglessness simultaneously. It was
intense!
Once I realized that all of my engagement with the world was
emotionally charged, I decided that I would just stay home as
much as possible and recoup (I still try to engage a little bit
so I don’t get too out of touch with the world).
The emotions have died down, I’m no longer in pain, and I seemed
to have lost interest in most things. But it doesn’t seem like a
bad thing. Just a thing. The next step in my evolution, perhaps.
Here we get to the current state of affairs…
In letting go of my worldly involvements, there has been a shift
in experience. The “body” and the “world” are still dissolved.
But much more vivid and spacious now. My headlessness has become
even more apparent, and sounds and sensations seem to swirl
around as I watch and listen. I’ve also begun to notice some of
the more finer aspects of “self”. Such as images (thought)
arising in the vastness. Dream thought and waking thought seem
to blur when I’m falling asleep… which is a little strange.
The meaninglessness still arises from time to time, but it’s
much lower in intensity and doesn’t last long.
There is a new-found interest in GETTING THIS DONE now (but not
in a balls to the wall sort of way).
I know I can’t “do it”. It seems to be more of an agreement or
allowing at this point.
I’ve really taken to staying home a lot, relaxing, and just
watching the breath. Sometimes I become curious about the finer
aspects of experience (the spaciousness, or the background we
might say
The question I have is if you have any more advice for me?
Some of this territory is difficult to navigate because I don’t
believe my thoughts. They are still there, but it’s all utter
nonsense. I could pretend I know what I’m doing, but I have no
clue.
In any case, I’d love to hear from you and perhaps post once and
a while just to check in.
Hope you’re doing well, my friend.
~ivory
#Post#: 1448--------------------------------------------------
Re: meaningless
DIR By: guest98
Date: September 20, 2014, 12:03 am
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You asked this of another poster: "Now, I want to know what is
your question, the most important one to you right now"
First of all, the thing I want the most is to be passionate
about something. I don't have passion anymore.
I want one thing. ONE THING. I can call mine.
One thing that nobody can take away from me.
I used to be an athlete, but I sustained such massive injuries
that I can't engage on that level anymore.
And I don't know what to do. I don't know how to live without
something I can call mine. Life makes no sense without something
I can enjoy and put all of my attention and effort into.
This has been very confusing.
The question I have is what do I do?
Do I turn to art? Yoga?
Do I work on fixing my body, even though I know that I won't be
able to use it forever?
Do I start taking guitar lessons?
I want to feel fulfilled and I don't know how to go about that.
I don't want to die regretting not having done something
worthwhile or authentic.
#Post#: 1455--------------------------------------------------
Re: meaningless
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 20, 2014, 12:51 am
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Dear Meaningless:
You want meaning in your life, correct? Well, sorry Bambi, there
any no meaning other that the mind stuff you make up. So,
perhaps to give you a little direction and quite that part of
you mind, take up Yoga. It's the best thing you can do for your
banged up body and if you learn some proper breathing it will
assist in a number of ways.
It's natural to lose interest in most things as most things are
as boring as the people doing them. Anything you take up will be
lost in old age or death, just remember that. It's all a
fantasy, play or not, up to you.
Love ya, Jed. (P.S. I don't feel that I was very helpful.
Perhaps you can be a little more specific, either that or I have
lost all meaning in my life, must generate more... soon...
soon... time for a pee, that will suffice for now.)
#Post#: 1491--------------------------------------------------
Re: meaningless
DIR By: guest98
Date: September 20, 2014, 8:17 pm
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Hi Jed,
I used to be an athlete. I may have mentioned that. Also used to
be an alcoholic. I can't play/exercise like I used to and I
don't drink.
I'm also rather introverted and don't fit in with many people.
There's an acceptance of that. In fact a blessing. I have very
few obligations.
That said. I can only meditate/inquire so much. I wanted
something to do for myself. That is all.
I will take your advice on yoga. I'll start this week. And, yes,
on the breathing.
Today I also found cheap guitar lessons online. I used to play
as a young kid. I think it will be some fun. And perhaps this is
what I needed to put those thoughts to rest.
We shall see.
Peace
#Post#: 1494--------------------------------------------------
Re: meaningless
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 20, 2014, 8:53 pm
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Dear M:
I'm curious, is there really any difference between an
alcoholic and an athlete. I ask because you have been both and I
have been neither. It's a serious question. I have notice that
later in life they can appear very similar, in the illusion or
course.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1501--------------------------------------------------
Re: meaningless
DIR By: guest98
Date: September 20, 2014, 10:12 pm
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There is a major difference. I personally rode skateboards,
skiid, surfed, and did martial arts. I was never a traditional
athlete or jock. The traditional athletes are mostly ****s. But,
then again, ****s are everywhere.
Pros for athletics:
Healthy: mental clarity, better sleep, healthy body
Healthy relationships
Fun
Cons for athletics:
Can reinforce one's sense of self / inflate ego in a number of
ways
Can be used as a means of avoidance
Pros for alcohol:
???
Cons for alcohol:
Unhealthy all around
Unhealthy relationships
Wrecks lives and families (my father was an alcoholic)
Hangovers
#Post#: 1502--------------------------------------------------
Re: meaningless
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 20, 2014, 10:20 pm
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Dear M:
Thanks for that, I'm going to mull my response over, hmmm... a
little Merlot will do just fine, preceded by 20 push ups of
course. Nah, it's too early in the day, I'll just have the wine.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1504--------------------------------------------------
Re: meaningless
DIR By: guest98
Date: September 20, 2014, 11:09 pm
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Jed,
Just out of curiosity, how familiar are you with what is known
as Dark Night of the Soul?
It's easier working through it now, but I was stuck in it really
badly for a long time. I didn't know what was happening to me.
Or that it was common even. What a hoot. I basically went
bonkers.
I was advised to seek out someone who was familiar with the
terrain. I know you can't do this for me. But it would be nice
to have a little bit of guidance.
It is time. I really want to push through this.
If you have any resources that you think would help, I would
really appreciate it.
#Post#: 1507--------------------------------------------------
Re: meaningless
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 21, 2014, 1:41 am
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Are you currently in DNOTS or just want to understand it.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1511--------------------------------------------------
Re: meaningless
DIR By: guest98
Date: September 21, 2014, 1:58 am
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Am I in it at this moment? No. Will I be tomorrow? Maybe. I tend
to cycle in and out of it.
One minute I can hate everything and be absolutely miserable. A
half hour later I'll see everything/everyone as perfect and be
totally content. That's the way of it.
This week I was stuck in it for a couple days. I slept with my
lady friend, didn't get enough sleep, the next day DN.
Drinking I have to stay away from 100%. It will launch me into
DN.
I hear DN is one of the final stages. I just don't want to keep
cycling in and out of it.
I am very slowly learning this territory. It's getting a easier
now that the pain from my last breakup has cleared (most of it
anyways).
PS. I was basically describing my DN experience in my first
post. I thought you picked up on that. Maybe we just weren't
seeing eye to eye. DN is what this thread is basically about.
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