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#Post#: 18--------------------------------------------------
Der Steppenwolf
DIR By: Jack
Date: August 27, 2014, 12:11 am
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Hey there Jed, hope your day is going well!
My intention is Human Adulthood. I am coming to realize that my
pursuit of TR has been a distraction from what I really need to
be doing; namely growing up. My constant reading,
contemplating, meditating, etc. has all been in the name of
finding truth and destroying the ego...but at the core it was
just avoidance. The search itself was the ego trip and the
avoidance, just another way of controlling the outcome and not
going anywhere.
Anyways, I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to set
this site up. I look forward chatting with ya.
-Peace,
#Post#: 19--------------------------------------------------
Lostboy
DIR By: Jack
Date: August 27, 2014, 12:30 am
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So I guess where I am is a feeling of being totally lost. I
have no idea of what HA really equates to or how to get there.
Further, I seem to have some pretty strong blocks when it comes
to motivation for SA or Inquiries at all (actually, I have
motivation blocks in life in general).
I think one of my underlying strategies has been to accumulate
enough information to where I completely understand the state of
TR or HA and can therefore bypass the hard work by exploiting a
short cut. I think that part of this just comes down to a heavy
sense of doubt that I have developed. Any time someone throws
out a strategy or process, I want to know exactly what this is
going to do and where it is going before I waste my (much
withheld) energy on it.
However, at this point the strategy has not worked and I am more
lost than ever. I went looking for buried treasure and ended up
on the moon.
And deep down I know it is just a cover up for the bull**** life
that I am living. A facade to block the fact that I am not
doing anything that I should be doing. "Jack, why don't you get
a job you lazy sack of ****?" -"Cause I am becoming Enlightened
and that is like the hardest thing to do on the planet so back
off." I am full of ****.
But I don't want to be. However, I remember Alan Watts talking
about how absurd it is for the ego -which gets you into all of
the BS- to think that it can somehow fix the situation (i.e.
pulling oneself up by your own bootstraps). And that leaves me
feeling helpless; like I have to wait on some external entity to
be willing to help me, to even want to help me.
I don't know, its all bull**** and I want it to stop.
#Post#: 20--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jack
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 27, 2014, 12:41 am
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Thanks for sharing Jack. This topic is strictly yours and mine.
I will spend some time and thought on what you submitted later
today. Love ya, and welcome, Jed.
#Post#: 21--------------------------------------------------
Lostboy
DIR By: Jack
Date: August 27, 2014, 12:47 am
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Thanks Jed ;-)
One interesting thing did happen last night. I was reading
"Butterflies are Free to Fly" as was recommended by someone on
the other forum. Not a really impressed by the book but it did
put something into perspective. Namely, the author uses the
holographic model to illustrate that we don't really exist and,
because of that, we have no control on how life is going to play
out.
Its the same old surrender story, but for some reason, it really
sunk home. I felt a deep sense of relief, and sadness. A
gigantic part of my life has been trying to control the future
as I hate the present. I have spent the last 5 years engrossed
in Abraham Hicks and other Law of Attraction authors. I had
gotten to the point of trying to monitor every thought because I
was afraid of how they might manifest unwanted things. But when
the "no control" thing really sank in, I realized just to what
extent trying to control the future has really cost me in terms
of stress and pain. I haven't been able to manifest nearly
anything, so I keep trying harder and harder, throwing more
energy away at it.
I think that is where a good deal of the apathy has come into
play. I have been trying to manifest a happy future and have
been A) distracting myself from the present -'cause it blows-
and am thus not engaging with it and, B) I am draining my energy
constantly by trying to guide thoughts and create incredibly
powerful emotions to create what I want.
But once I realized all of this, a deep sadness set in because
nothing may change. If I have no control, then things may never
change...and I just don't see a point to that. I get that it is
resistance, but I haven't experienced the flip side of accepting
my current situation as leading to anything but stagnation.
So that has been my day; oscillating between relief and sadness.
#Post#: 22--------------------------------------------------
lostboy
DIR By: Jack
Date: August 27, 2014, 12:49 am
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And I am going to take you up on that experiment in apathy which
you recommended through email.
There is part of me that is wondering what the point is, or what
I should do while I am doing nothing (i.e. try to rest in
awareness, etc.)
And part of me is very scared. Not having distractions has the
tendency to become a very painful situation emotionally.
Anyways, Ill let you know how it turns out.
#Post#: 30--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jack
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 27, 2014, 3:47 am
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It's supposed to make you uncomfortable, then you can deal with
what comes up and you have been hiding from.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 312--------------------------------------------------
Lostboy
DIR By: Jack
Date: September 1, 2014, 12:22 pm
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So Jed, if you were going to give a brief description of Human
Adulthood and how to get there what would it be?
#Post#: 314--------------------------------------------------
Lostboy
DIR By: Jack
Date: September 1, 2014, 12:59 pm
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I feel stuck, profoundly stuck, with nearly everything in life
at the moment. I have had this deep seated feeling that
something is blocking the flow of motivation, something which
got entrenched early in childhood and has never been freed. I
remember hearing Ken Wilber talking about how part of you can
get stuck at certain point of the ladder (his metaphor) and when
you release those sticking points you rocket up from where you
were previously stuck. When I heard him say that I started
crying because it felt like a very real assessment of what has
been going on in life and, honestly, it gave me hope.
There is a very fundamental problem though: that of motivation.
There are times when I will work for days straight on solving a
problem. Even stupid things like cleaning my computer or
beating a level on a video game will eat up days of total
concentration. But when it comes to "bettering myself" or
really any of the practical things in life, I have zero
motivation and nothing really ever seems to get started much
less done.
So I read Byron Katie or Tom Stone or Kiloby on how to free
yourself from emotional blocks, but I never develop a pattern of
practice a discipline (actually, I worked my ass off for about a
few months on the Stone stuff...just could never get it to
work). The best analogy I can think of is trying to stand up in
a fast flowing river: I know that I am drowning, and the only
way to survive is to get my head above the surface, but I can
never get my feet on the bottom in order to stand up.
The feeling I have now is "change or die." There is really no
point to the rest of my life playing out as it has. Change is
the only option, but I can't motivate myself to do anything
about it, to actually change anything at all. I can't pull
myself up by my own bootstraps, and the boots are crushing my
damn feet.
I remember one of the Trilogy books talking about a woman in a
wheelchair and you (?) talking about how you couldn't get off of
the ride once it started. That broke my heart, I think I
literally had tears in my eyes. I think that the only thing
that has keep me going is that hope that it could all change
someday...somehow get better. Hope has been my drug. But when
I contemplate loosing that hope, accepting life as it is and not
hoping that it will change, I literally loose the will to live.
I don't see a point in continuing to be alive...other than you
and Nisargadatta seem to think that if you jump off the ride you
have to get back on again.
#Post#: 316--------------------------------------------------
Lostboy
DIR By: Jack
Date: September 1, 2014, 1:04 pm
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I guess all that to ask the questions:
Can you discern a particular block? If so, do you have any
recommendations on how to neutralize it?
Do you have any recommendations at all after reading this BS?
At this point I feel totally stuck in the mud and haven't the
foggiest ****ing clue on how to proceed.
#Post#: 324--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jack
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 1, 2014, 2:51 pm
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Hey Jack, stuck and resistance are pretty similar. Stuck is a
little more related to wanting to understand things. Let's be
real, if your mind had the answer it would have puked it up by
now, so I'm guessing it doesn't, in fact I know it doesn't. Give
up looking there and just let things be other than you might
expect them to be.
Resistance is great at gluing programs in place. Don't worry
about what you are resisting, just try letting go of resistance.
A giving up may be called for. It's not apathy type giving up,
but more a letting go and let God type of thing. Just decide it,
do it and be patient.
Love ya, Jed.
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