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#Post#: 1318--------------------------------------------------
Lost Vent
By: Bratra88 Date: September 18, 2014, 1:11 am
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I feel like I need to be short because too much is perceived as
too much ego. I type here because I am scared that something
will be said by Jed that will shatter me. I cannot avoid being
shattered, because I like facing my fears and growing from it.
By growth, I mean more control of the direction of my life,
being able to manipulate my dream in a more fun playful way
satisfying my rich desires, embodying good feelings more
frequently, and learning what is not true. Yes I keep reading
that there is no me, but I don't believe it yet. Awareness to
me is always comes from the 5 senses I have learned about from
school my thoughts which is more like something I hear and my
gut feeling. Wherever one of these my awareness is on is "me",
at least for now. When reading the books and learning about the
simpleness of truth realization, I figured I would be more then
happy to stay in my cloak and live a beautiful fun fictitious
life. Yet, I keep being drawn to some current advice, and
deeply yearn to experience that shatter feeling from
acknowledging words and identifying with it.
I read on this forums some dude posting about feeling is body
sensations while meditating. Some responses about how to deal
with this really resonated with me. I give up on my consistency
on meditating everytime I see changes from this habitual
behavior. I hate that I give up when I see growth, and then I
have this cycle where I wait until my bad habits start fucking
up my life in order for me to do the good habits again. I dont
understand why you don't think yoga is the shit. It makes you
feel so relaxed and grounded and thoughtless. I dont understand
why after it makes me feel good after a few weeks of practice
consistently, I quit that too until my body gets tensed and I
get so frustrated with myself that I start to do yoga again. I
hate the fact that I don't know which technique will bring me
peace. Too many fucking gurus all of which seems like awesome
advice that resonates and feels right, and most of all, I cannot
stay committed to my schedule to do list of what I believe is
the right thing to do for myself. The last sentence nailed it
for where I am at.
Thanks.
#Post#: 1319--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lost Vent
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 18, 2014, 1:28 am
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Dear LV:
Thank you for sharing you b.s. (belief system). I enjoyed
reading it. I take it you are pretty young. If so, be gentle on
yourself. If not, then be gentle on your self.
I have a suggestion... along a bit of a practical line. Make a
to do list for much shorter periods of time (if you must make a
list). Make one for the day only, maybe for the hour only, or
perhaps, a list for the next ten minutes. Could you stick to
that, a ten minute list? Also make a list that only has one
topic.
TO DO FOR THE NEXT TEN MINUTES (to be repeated indefinitely)
1.) Whatever comes up, then,
2.) The next thing that comes up, then
3.) See item #1.
There you have my ideal list for the next ten minutes, or
perhaps ten years. Either way it's really easy to stick with and
remember. It sorta does itself. Just like you... doing your
self.
If you slip off the list don't beat yourself up, just go back to
item 1. Let me know how it goes. Now I have to get back to my
own list, I have soooo many things to do.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1322--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lost Vent
By: Bratra88 Date: September 18, 2014, 2:25 am
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lol i just read the introduction and really want to take your
advice seriously. I enjoyed your response and thought of a
similar solution where I would write my intention before I
attempted or indulge in activity. I don't think I have ever
been able to stick to any habit like this for too long, but now
that I am committing to this internet ashram it will help me
keep focused.
So heres the confusion I have with your advice which I would
summarize as: keep a 10 minute to do list which ideally goes as:
1.) Whatever comes up, then,
2.) The next thing that comes up, then
3.) See item #1.
So upon reading that, I felt an impulse to writeback to thank
you. But I disregarded that to literally writing on a piece of
paper: TO DO FOR THE NEXT TEN MINUTES, wrote the 3 things, then
I wrote I am doing myself by doing this list. Be Gentle Bally
(a nickname my mother uses for me). Then I noticed my bed is
messy. THen I noticed my room was messy. Then I felt like
meditating. Then I saw almonds and wanted to eat it. So I
thought, ok my most important goal is meditate so for the next
10 minutes I will only try to go meditate (one of my daily goals
for the last odd some years). One conflict is that I try to
meditate for 35minute sessions and your advice only applies for
10 minutes but common sense tells me just commit to doing it and
go back to the list when I am done.
Anyway I am going to stop continuing this because I just
concluded the solution would be commit to doing one thing at a
time for 10 minutes. After trying my best for at least 10
minutes go with the flow with it, and if I am experiencing a
disconnection from the activity for whatever reason then go back
to the list.
It's just annoying because on one hand I want to sit and
meditate, stretch my legs, go for a run, and feel good through
these healthy physical activties. But on my way there, I grab
my phone for the timer, and I see work related text messages,
which lead me to handling work, which lead me to another thing,
which then lead me back here to worry that I am not correctly
following your advice which was to follow a to do list for the
next 10 minutes.
It's funny, I sound like an idiot. If any other human was
present in the room with me or if I am told to do something by
someone else, I know I could follow through thoughtlessly. But
when it comes to following my own intuition for the next 10
minutes, I keep jumping from everywhere overwhelming myself to
get lost back in a circle completing nothing. Anyway its 320
am, and I need to plow through the bullshit so I am going to
meditate stretch and run right now no matter what else comes up
because I will regret it tomorrow if I don't.
I sincerely thank you for your time towards helping me step away
from the bs, yes I know belief structure...
#Post#: 1328--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lost Vent
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 18, 2014, 2:54 am
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Plan 'B'...
1.) Do nothing for ten minutes, then,
2.) Repeat step one.
It's much more difficult than it sounds.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1347--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lost Vent
By: Bratra88 Date: September 18, 2014, 9:34 am
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Much more difficult? I cannot conceive how it is possible to do
"nothing".
When learning to pick up girls, I hired this charismatic
grounded free man as my coach who onced asked me what is
meditation? I responded to concentrate my awareness on one
thing and observe if it drifts away and to go back. He tells
me, "No, it is doing absolutely nothing." From there, I spent a
lot of time meditating towards doing nothing. I find if I do
this while laying down, it will lead to sleeping. If i do this
in a meditative posture, my awareness will always shift towards
something. Maybe my thoughts, maybe towards silence, maybe
seeing the blackness of my eyes closed, maybe hearing the sounds
of the environment or my body. So "I" am always being aware of
"something". And this "something" that I am aware of is always
doing something. HMMMM, that was pretty deep self realization,
I am going to sit on this for a bit because I think I got it
(well my mind got it and there was awareness of this something
doing something).
#Post#: 1388--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lost Vent
By: Bratra88 Date: September 18, 2014, 11:37 pm
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How can I do nothing? I am always witnessing something even if
it is formless and blackness.
#Post#: 1389--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lost Vent
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 18, 2014, 11:49 pm
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Are you witnessing formlessness and blackness or.... are you
that formlessness and blackness? I'm not tell you, I want you to
look a little closer. What is that f and b appearing in?
Try to sidestep the mind stuff. You actually feeling/gut take is
of interest.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1391--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lost Vent
By: Bratra88 Date: September 19, 2014, 12:32 am
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My gut feels that the black cloudy formlessness is the same
watching a movie in the theater, except there is no movie
running. Funny enough when the theater is pitch black I would
assume the experience is pretty similar. The formless and
blackness IS a creation of the mind, but it feels separate. It
feels like there is a screen or invisible glass barrier between
it and me.
#Post#: 1434--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lost Vent
By: Bratra88 Date: September 19, 2014, 6:09 pm
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It is very hard to side my mind because it blurbs thoughts that
make sense. Technically there is no external reality. Whether
my eyes close or are open, whatever I "see" are particles
literally hitting my eyes and then being interpreted in my
brain. Therefore everything has to touch me and then be
interpreted, and there is not outside being seen but just a
picture being created of what seems like distance.
So if things that are far away are me because its my mind that
is creating it, then this formless and blackness is me as well.
Not only that, anything I look at or hear or interpret is me.
Not sure if this is mind stuff or gut stuff, I used meditation
which generated thoughts to get here. My concept of gut and
feelings come from mind, or so I think...
#Post#: 1453--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lost Vent
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 20, 2014, 12:43 am
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Dear LV:
You said, 'Whether my eyes close or are open, whatever I "see"
are particles literally hitting my eyes and then being
interpreted in my brain.'
WOW, where do you get this stuff? Are you making it up and
pulling my leg? Have you ever looked at your eyes? Not in a
mirror or a photo? Really, have you ever seen them? A brain,
I've never heard of such a think, well maybe in school once, but
what are you talking about? You are way over my head and I think
you are in a phantasmagorical dream, but maybe I'm wrong.
If I send you my address will you send me some of those little
particles that hit your eyes... WAIT.. I GOT IT, you believe
that Steven Hawkins garbage... that's explains it. I was worried
for your sanity but it's just a mixed up set of beliefs. I'm
relieved.
Now I will will confess that my Ph.D. (Phony doctorate is
actually a real phony) so anything I say must be taken with a
grain of photons, if you can find them.
It sounds like you 'brain' needs a thorough washing, N. Korean
style.
One component of this Truth search is the exact antithesis off
the New Age B.S. warm fuzzy feel good garbage that abounds in
those natural wood, incense burning book stores maned by
saccharin sweet staff moving in slow motion behind glazed eyes.
Ruthless honesty, no b.s., cut to the heart of the matter
persistence. I can model it out to you with the risk of being
rude (or very rude) but it is a blessing in disguise.
Stop wasting time with you b.s. stories, you know what's going
on and haven't yet mustered the courage to face it. You don't
have to tell me, I've heard all the stories and there really is
only about ten, then they just repeat themselves. Of course, lay
it out if you wish.
None of this is for me, it's for you. Don't worry about what's
happening technically, what is happening in your experience, not
in your mind?
If I am off-base here, forgive me, won't be the first time. BUT,
if anything I say gets under your skin, that's where I suggest
digging. Therein is the gold, not on Discovery Channel.
Love ya, Jed. (sounding like a bit of jerk here aren't you Jed?)
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