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#Post#: 20282--------------------------------------------------
subject
DIR By: DragonTree
Date: May 3, 2016, 10:56 pm
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hello, back after a short hissyfit... I'll try keep drama to a
minimum.
I need to unload a bit. Apologies if the post is long, you don't
have to read it.
A little while ago i moved into a new house with multiple
roommates. I don't have a room, I sleep on the floor in the
bootroom and I like it.
There's a few cats and a dog here. The dog is starved for
attention and the cats are either overfed or underfed. I've
started taking the dog for walks and feeding the animals.
It really annoys me when the dog stares at me while I'm eating.
This built up for a couple of days and it kept making me mad. I
was aware and could do nothing, the other day I was eating an
apple and the dog was staring at me. I got mad. I threw the
apple at him, then decided to pick up the apple and feed it to
him. I don't get mad at the dog anymore.
Lately I've been trying to listen to guided meditations a lot
but every time there's some sort of interruption. Animals
walking on me, people come up to me, my phone dies when I'm
finally alone, etc. Even trying to meditate without the audio
tracks is difficult to find time for. I went out and floated in
an isolation tank one day and sat on a rock in the middle of a
stream yesterday but beyond that I think I can take a hint. Stop
meditating.
Recently I just stopped masturbating altogether. The amount of
insanity I have is energy
I've begun to notice that I now question the various gurus I
used to listen to. Ironically this inspired me to return to this
forum. I used to unquestioningly listen to "awakened people" in
the same way that I used to listen to my mind. The thorn is
removed, so now the other thorn can be discarded. The inner guru
is the only guy worth listening to right now and I suspect he's
on his way out the door as well.
I don't actually want to be truth realized. I've come to this
conclusion because if I did, I would.
Every time I get scared I realize this isn't about me at all.
The other day I went for a job interview (I don't think I got
the job) and somehow the conversation got steered into talking
about meditation.
Just sitting around the house and occasionally picking up
garbage really clears up the energy. There was a fair amount of
bickering in the household before I showed up, I've done nothing
intentionally but nobody even knows what they were mad about
anymore. I think the dog is happy too
#Post#: 20285--------------------------------------------------
Re: subject
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 4, 2016, 12:07 am
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Thanks for sharing.
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 20412--------------------------------------------------
Re: subject
DIR By: DragonTree
Date: May 8, 2016, 4:27 am
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There's a rock in the middle of a stream that has become one of
my favourite places to sit. Last night I went there to
contemplate. I listened to an adyashanti recording where the guy
said something about love pouring into existence and I went with
that which seemed to open up what I would call peripheral
awareness. There's a subtle sadness that seems to arise from
energy in my face, I observed that for awhile. A memory flashed
into my mind of a time i felt bullied, there was an underlying
emotion of anger with the memory.
Walking home I began to worry about what I'd tell people if they
asked me where I went. Naturally people did ask, I told them I
went and sat on a rock. I felt a light happiness by being
truthful
Today I saw a movie. They're pretty fun, I spent a bit of time
just observing a lot of different things that arise. If for
example my leg feels hot I observe the sensation and it always
seems renewed in a way because I don't just think of hot and
brush the sensation under the rug. In this way meditation has
devolved into just sitting, observing stuff like its the first
time I've seen it.
After the movie I saw the northern lights
#Post#: 20416--------------------------------------------------
Re: subject
DIR By: DragonTree
Date: May 8, 2016, 5:44 am
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OHhhhh
I think I realize what's going on here.
just going back to asking "what is me?" all the stories I'd been
mulling over just dropped. Its just quiet and that's the answer.
Sorry for posting those essays
#Post#: 20417--------------------------------------------------
Re: subject
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 8, 2016, 6:04 am
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No problem..
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 20451--------------------------------------------------
Re: subject
DIR By: DragonTree
Date: May 9, 2016, 2:36 pm
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Its odd that after all the search for "I" I still use terms like
"I am hungry"
I'm addicted to experience. Every time I get a little experience
of aha! it seems like I'm getting somewhere. I also typically go
to places where I think a result is more likely to happen. I'm
hopelessly addicted to a sense of progression, I need a
measuring stick and without it I'm scared
#Post#: 20505--------------------------------------------------
Re: subject
DIR By: DragonTree
Date: May 12, 2016, 3:41 am
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I've been contemplating space, particularly space between
senses. It seems as though there's space there but there's also
no possible way to interact with it.
It operates on its own, like when I'm breathing the sensation
just arises out of nowhere and then disappears, so the space is
inside and outside of my little known realm.
Is this window of consciousness in/of awareness the extent of
consciousness?
I doubt it. I'm not sure, but it seems possible that it could be
situated in infinite nothing. For example vision is a finite
circle of vision, outside of this finite circle is everything
not seen.
I'm going to continue until I'm sure of something, probably just
going to end up trashing this line of inquiry
All this text indicates that I'm building stories again. Meh
#Post#: 20510--------------------------------------------------
Re: subject
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 12, 2016, 7:16 am
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Sounds like that to me... but if that's what you want to do, no
harm no foul... just make them interesting.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 20521--------------------------------------------------
Re: subject
DIR By: DragonTree
Date: May 12, 2016, 2:47 pm
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I'll do my best.
There's a root belief that I'm vaguely aware of which has to do
with progression. It seems to help build a lot of stories. I
know its in there because as soon as I noticed it I also noticed
that my mind was pushing in the direction of wanting to progress
past the need to feel progression. Basically what I'm doing is
living in the future.
My hands feel pretty tied with this one, even this post is
entirely constructed from the mechanism I'm trying to describe.
#Post#: 20527--------------------------------------------------
Re: subject
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 12, 2016, 9:05 pm
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Please provide more detail...
Love ya, Jed.
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