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#Post#: 19230--------------------------------------------------
54 words
DIR By: Kojitsu
Date: March 24, 2016, 3:06 pm
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I know this boat is pretty full and there were originally
supposed to be 50 or so in the group, so the boot is fine with
me.
Anyway I dropped below the waves and 5 weeks later had a panic
attack looking for something to grab onto. Is that par for the
course?
will
#Post#: 19235--------------------------------------------------
Re: 54 words
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: March 24, 2016, 11:18 pm
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Hi Koji:
Thanks for that and welcome here.
Tell me, have you had similar attacks before.. if so, what seems
to precede them.
Talk later,
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 19257--------------------------------------------------
Re: 54 words
DIR By: Kojitsu
Date: March 25, 2016, 8:44 am
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Yes before. Just before or shortly after major crisis/ego
collapse. This one came suddenly after i dipped my toe into
this forum, wrote some stuff and unexpectedly proceeded to
become heavily vested in the response to these posts. Also at
the same time I was reading some other teachings one of which
undermined the basis of the realization that i had just had.
Sudden feeling that the freedom/realization id experienced was
bs
A post that followed one of mine helped me see how I was
invested and I just let in and out it went. Things are moving
kinda fast right now
#Post#: 19258--------------------------------------------------
Re: 54 words
DIR By: Kojitsu
Date: March 25, 2016, 9:20 am
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One more precident:
I had some kind of awakening at 22. a very devotional love of
god sort intimate relationship with god as other. Lasted around
7 years, I lived like a simple monk. It ended. no more god, 20
years of nada, deep sorrow and eventual resignation to aloneness
oh and plenty of alcohol. Had a kid, he's autistic. Man I
thought it was hard before, but nothing like this. 5 years of
screaming, things level out a bit, i stop drinking and a month
or so later, i see through the robot like conditioning of my
body. I watch as it goes through all its motions no input from
"me".
a week later, I see the same thing with thoughts, things get
much quieter in my head, i see fear and contractions but I let
them in and they pass quickly. I could sit contentedly all day,
but life busy, got kids to feed etc,
I reach out in your forum, sensing the need for some guidance
with all this, something I read triggers fear that its all bs
(probably from the original loss of god from before) :panic
attack
#Post#: 19264--------------------------------------------------
Re: 54 words
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: March 25, 2016, 8:00 pm
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Trying to reproduce any experience, be it enlightenment or God,
is doomed to block out the present moment and will probably
result in disappointment. Set up, up set, and on it goes.
The only solution is to welcome whatever arises in the illusion
and remember to breathe. Remember the seeker is the sought.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 19525--------------------------------------------------
Re: 54 words
DIR By: Kojitsu
Date: April 5, 2016, 8:55 am
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Opening, grasping = door closes
Opening, openness = free
"I am Free" feels like free fall, terror = door closes
Awake happens, no self, no questions no wants,
Asleep again wondering if "Im" awake, fears arise, questions
arise. They're often answered before they're finished, then
erased from the page, never sent.
I see that I have no power to "do" anything. My life is falling
apart. Responsibilities are unmet, ruin looks immanent.
"Further!" Back to work...
"I" disappear, work is done. Then "I" see that it has been
done
Is "seeing" it?, the only thing one can "do"? Is there a way
off this Hamster wheel?
#Post#: 19527--------------------------------------------------
Re: 54 words
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: April 5, 2016, 10:15 am
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Yes and no, maybe, maybe not... hmmm.... depends.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 19528--------------------------------------------------
Re: 54 words
DIR By: Kojitsu
Date: April 5, 2016, 11:23 am
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I hope its not the adult "Depends" you are referring to! :)
The not self (ego) is apparently a powerless automaton. The
appearance of a self.
The Causeless No Self is witness and takes no action
Who is there that does anything?
Does the ego eventually agree to its condition and go along for
the ride?
#Post#: 19543--------------------------------------------------
Re: 54 words
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: April 6, 2016, 6:17 am
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What makes you think something does something? Everything has
already been done and there is no one to do anything more, other
than in a dream or thought. Neither of those are real.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 19773--------------------------------------------------
Re: 54 words
DIR By: Kojitsu
Date: April 14, 2016, 7:28 pm
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Hmm.
im not able to grok "Everything has already been done"
I want to poke it with a stick.
Does not set off my bs detector.
what is the feel of everything already done?
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